Author: benjancewicz

Aloha!

So, last night I went to see Kill Bill.
Pagoda was going to practice, but Spam was really sick. He puked like 5 times, so we decided to review our tracks we recorded last week for levels, and invited Jess West, Jessamine, and their roomie whom I keep forgetting their name.
Anyhow, we reviewed them and wrote down comments to send to Echoes Recording to be fixed.
After that me, Jess, Jessamine, Sax and Mike went to this Autumn party happening in one of the apartments and had apple cider. Sarah Rocker, the hostess, was very very nice. I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with the rest of the crowd, either. Saxton got himself in a rather condescending conversation about the Smashing Pumpkins. Jess West and Sarah made me feel at home, though.
After that, we went to see Kill Bill.
It was slightly funny, very gory, and too long.
I found incongruity in watching that movie and going to a Christian College.
And I paid 5$ for it. Dumb.

Nina interviewed me for her class this afternoon. It went well, but seemed… staccatos. I’m not sure why. I don’t think she had thought about questions to ask me before we got there, so I wasn’t quite sure how much she was interested in it. I hope she has enough for her project.

Today, I sang in Gospel Choir. We sang down in Eisenhower Circle. We did well, and got the crowd moving a little bit even.

Nina and I went out to the Harrisburg Hilton tonight, we tried to get into see the Jazz concert, but they didn’t accept my ID. Instead, we sat out in the Lobby, just through the doors of the bar and listened to the music. We didn’t say much, but we talked about a few things. It was nice to just sit… but I’m still getting the feeling that something there that doesn’t quite fit.
Her friends served us her birthday dinner. I seemed to connect with her friends more than I did with her. I don’t know why. I don’t understand. I feel bad. Maybe she doesn’t feel entirely comfortable with me. Maybe I with her. I don’t know. I’m kinda tired of analyzing it.
It was a nice time, I enjoyed it.

And here I am. I need to do ceramics tomorrow. Like mad. I need to create 5 cylinders, and about 6 or 7 matching tumblers.

But, back to my question.

My favorite colour is Blue. But not any blue. Deep blue, like the space between the stars in a midnight winter sky. Deep blue, like the deep sea of the Pacific Ocean. Deep Blue, like the very center of a Sapphire jewel. That’s my favorite colour. 🙂

Next question; from the Faith category. What is the purpose of Romance?

Song playing: Jurassic 5 – Swing Set

Aloha!

Mesa doing ok now.
Back on track.
Recharged a bit. Spent some more time alone, mostly ripping around on the moped.

I took my laptop down to the library and found a nice warm nook to study in.
My initial thought was to go down just to find companionship… I study better if I’m around others who are studying.
There wasn’t a soul in the library, though, so I curled up by myself and wrote two papers. I did well, finally catching up in my Senior Seminar class.
Gave me more time to think.
It helped just to get out of the house. I think I harp too much on stuff when I sit in the house. It feels ingrown. I feel trapped, at the mercy of whatever my imagination brings me.

I stopped by Wilbur’s, but didn’t see anyone there either. Rafiki was also desolate. I don’t have any classes tomorrow, so I watched some TV. I never watch TV.

Thoughts: do I have any crushes anymore?
I don’t think so. I’m not sure they’re healthy anyways.
Friends are better. I started feeling like I had… obligations to the people I had crushes on. Weird. It’s unnatural. For me, anyways. I’m not tied down, why act like it?

Thoughts: this journal’s a tad selfish.
I think I’m going to ask a question every entry, just so I can find more about you guys. (hold me to it, too!! smack me if I forget!)
the questions will be from the Moment game I designed.
(some of you lurkers better start answering too 😉 )

So: first question, from the Appearance category:
Describe your favorite colour.

I’ll answer in my next journal entry.

Aloha.

Right.
So since 4 o’clock
I worked on this crap
Graphic
Project whose logic
though apparent
is twisted by a prof.
who doesn’t deserve to parent
a class of upandcoming
designers
I’m whining
whatever

So my computer crashed
Along with the entire project
Whoever designed Adobe
programs
needs a gram of brains
and add an autosave
though I shouldn’t complain
it only took me 2 feet
from a 6 foot grave

So I saw an indy rap group
Last night at wilburs’
with Nina Solanki
Whose 21st birthday
was today
what can I say
I still feel ill at ease
I feel hard to please
I feel like I’m pushing into something I should not be pushing into
I’ve been through
Too much pain
Too much rain
Too much of being dragged around with a ball and chain
Too much of this feels the same
She feels for me
But I just want to be friends
And trying to draw the line could bring apocalyptic ends
I contend
I could be a little more willing to bend
A little more open and then
I’d just hide the fact
This irreversible pact
Is something that’s taking me back
But there’s something missing
Something slipping
Something not gripping

I don’t feel like I’m in love

There, I said it.
There, I meant it.
I misrepresent
Myself, like I’m a schizophreniac
Maybe an emotional maniac
Regardless
I’m peaceless
Ripping up an emotion seamless
Ever since I saw Caroline in that green dress
I’ve been unsure
Of what I want
Of even what I need
I feel it’s like greed
Trying to fit my personality
By personalities I read
but I seem to mislead
Creating tracks of seeds
growing friendships
deeper than even I as sower could see
Do you see?
Do you really think a man like I could believe
In true love when I’ve been smashed
Trashed
In a heap that could be mistaken
as a Kamikazi crash
Blast
there I go again
thinking about life again
over analyzing again
I wish it would just end
again.

Song playing: Ah Ha – Take On Me

I’m feeling a little better.
I’m starting to realize I’ve slipped back into not being content as single. I’m not sure where I stumbled, but it could have been something as simple as the craving for a real hug. Or maybe hugs I gave, I’m not sure.

I’m trying to do a little more introspection, and finding out how I can work around this deep sorrow.
I’ve been ripping myself up, and it’s not good.

Nina and I are still finding out about each other, so no need to worry about that. In any case, we have fundamental differences for plans after graduation. She turning out to be a very good friend, regardless about how we may really feel.

Inya just wants to be friends, so no need to worry about that. And even if she doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. Either way, I don’t need to stress myself about it until anything is for sure anyways. There is no need to volunteer how I feel, because I don’t know for sure.

Caroline. Caroline I need to write to. That’s it. It doesn’t need to be spectacular, just simply how she’s doing.

I shouldn’t be worrying myself about it, and I should not try to rush anything simply for my own selfish desires. I need to be happy with myself.

Pagoda recorded this weekend, we’ve got 9 songs ready for a CD. It went really well, I played really well too. It was really tedious, and I was tired of being indoors after the whole ordeal, but it was worth it. We really sound like a full, well-put together band now. I need to make sure everything is ship-shape for the CD cover to put in my part.

I am still feeling a bit of competition from Franchina (our bassist), especially from the other members of the band. I don’t feel comfortable enough around him, I guess. I’m working on creating a solid image for the band, and Lox suggested I get Franchina to help. I said I’d be fine. As much work as I have to do, the Band imagery (website, t-shirts, CDs) are something I’ve been working on very very hard, and I want to get it done just the way I like it. I think I’d be more open to doing future projects with him together, but he’s not going to jump right in the middle of this.

On the other hand, I really bonded with Franchina the rest of the time during the recording.

Been listening to a lot of techno & dance music lately, I find that it keeps me active and my spirits high. Also I’ve been tearing around on my Moped. It’s kinda good when you’re frustrated, because the speed of the thing forces you to cry. It feels good.

I have a lot of work to get back to. but the journal helps. I’m not going to stop writing it.

Song currently playing: Harry James – All or Nothing at All

Aloha.

The song could also be heart in a blender. Just hit puree.

In talked with Inya again. She doesn’t feel it. She thought about it. It’s not there. I cordially retracted. We still vibe as friends, but I’m not sure how she feels. I think maybe something was hurt. I hope not. If anything at all, I don’t want her hurt. I felt something. She didn’t. I withdrew.
I don’t know.
It hurts.
I told her it wouldn’t.
I told her not to worry about it, and I was convincing enough that she won’t.
Too much, anyways.
I’m stupid.
I talk to much.

I’m still… I don’t know.
I still feel like I should write to Caroline. That in and of itself is enough to give me frayed edges.

And all this, and Nina.
I’m ripping in every place but the seams and it’s painful.
And I’m trying to keep a poker face.
She’s suddenly discovering herself… and it’s beautiful.
I don’t know how to feel, because I’m so emotionally worn… but I want to take care of her.
I want to help her.
And I’m rusting from the inside out.
My pauses, my ends of phrases, the darkness of my eyes… I feel like she might… might feel… that I don’t care.
And I don’t want her to feel that, because I do care.
But I’m so battered from this storm, I’m not sure how much of me is believable anymore.

And at the same time, I don’t want to get to close.
Scratch that, I do.
Too much. I need hugs so bad, but I know if I got one in just the right place I would self destruct. It would be over. Everything would come apart.
That’s not a good idea right now.
I need to repair. I need to physically repair myself right now. Or else I won’t be able to do it again.

Somehow, I feel God still. I don’t know how. He’s helping me out. Somehow. I… just need his help.

Song Playing: Superchic[k] – Wonder

Finally, Fall Break.
This week was a demonic incarceration of the flames of hell, released within the minds of my professors who believe they only class I have is with them.

Blasted Graphics class. I was going to go to work up in the Graphics Lab today, and discovered Prof. Hettinga had only put the names down of the students she likes to let into the lab this weekend. Oh well. I’m tired of dealing with it, I’m not making graphics for her, I’m making it for myself.

Last weekend.
Oie, last weekend. It’s been a while since I’ve written my journal.
Last weekend was awesome. I spent the entire weekend at a retreat with ISA. A lot of people went. I ran around all over the place, and spent the time playing volleyball, Frisbee, playing piano… running around like mad. We stayed at a camp about 15 minutes away from the college. The weather was fantastic, it was really windy, with gigantic clouds the size of city blocks thundering overhead. The weather was cool, but the sun was bright and made things pretty toasty if you stayed out of the wind. I climbed over the fence and went swimming in the pool. It was pretty chilly, but I got used to it pretty quick, and just dove over and over again. It was exactly like I used to swim back home. It was great.
Afterwards I climbed up on the roof of the porch off the building we were staying at and sunbathed. I had invited Nina along, and she climbed up and lay up there with me. We just napped for a while, until it got too hot, then went inside and napped the rest of the day away.
In the evenings, we played Moment. The final copy is all printed out, and works exactly as I hoped it would. Nina and I played alone the first night, staying up ‘till 3 just talking, and then played again the next night, that time with a bigger crowd. The discussions got very deep. Nina answered very tactfully. The people who played the next night were Chelsea, Jessie Masai, Bret & Shawn Davis, a new girl who’s a transfer student, Suje, Nina, Luke & Luke’s girlfriend. Susie and Chelsea also answered very very well, as did Jessie. Bret and Luke proved they really couldn’t get a hang of the game, and Shawn and the new transfer student started out silly and then improved. Valerie Ong also joined later on. She started out very very silly, but then got into it later on. Suje made the comment later that she wanted to get to know me better. I’m not quite sure what to make of that yet.
Nina and I got to talk a bit more, and I noticed people picking up on it. Most people were too busy, but I noticed other people seeing the closeness and drawing conclusions. I didn’t care too much, but I noticed.
It stormed during the middle of the latter game, and because the barn we slept in had a tin roof, everyone jumped up to see. I pulled open the garage door and we all watched it a bit. All of a sudden, Nina bolts out the door, flying out into the grass, dancing all over the place. I took one look, took of my glasses, and bolted out after her. We danced in the rain for a while. 🙂 Suje came out and joined us later. We danced out there until we got cold, then ran back inside and bundled up in blankets and continued our game. 🙂
I got to talk with Kevin, the speaker. He used to go to Messiah and married a girl from the Dominican Republic, if I remember right. He now works for the college. He brought up some very interesting subjects, including working on being more aware of where you are for the time being, and also about talking with professors more and asking them personal questions. I talked to him a lot, interestingly enough starting out with a conversation about his jealously with my voice! (I can sing very very deeply)

Skip to this weekend (suffice to say I worked myself silly after that).
Thursday Pagoda had it’s first official show. I invited Nina long, and Phil Bert and Min also came along. Once we got their, however, we all realized that the bar wouldn’t allow them inside. I felt like a complete fool. Nina doesn’t turn 21 until October 15, and somehow I was so excited it completely slipped my mind. The bouncer believed my ID (of course), but Nina, Min & Phil were forced to go to an Ice Cream shop. I felt like a crumb. Nina was a good sport about it, and took it well, but I felt so stupid. We actually played well. There was no one there, it was just some deserted bar out in the middle of nowhere. Reminded me too much of places from home, I think. Way too much. I did well, though, and we had a good effect on the house band (a band named Hydrate) and on the mixer guy named Digital Dave. 🙂 The lead singer to Hydrate came up to us afterwards and gave us a free copy of their pro-made CD. We chatted with him a bit and he referred us to a place that we might play at.
Lox let me drive the Trakker, and Nina rode with me. We had a good talk on the way home, especially about how I view things, things like seeing love, and seeing the world as beautiful. She thought about it a lot, and I think is opening up to me some more.

Fred, David & Luke have come up to me on separate occasions, asking me about Nina. I told them each time I didn’t think anything could happen, and I still don’t. We are heading two different ways. It’s not likely. I’m going to Australia eventually, and she’s going to NYC. Plus, I still feel I don’t know enough about her. Though there may be serendipitous stuff going on some of the time, I’m not sure about everything. I want to do what God wants me to do, and I feel like if God wants me to be with anyone, He’ll work it out.

I talked to Ramong last night. I knew there was something between him and Lalrem, and that then it had died. I knew. I had felt it when he had gotten here. I knew Lalrem had had a boyfriend back home, but I didn’t know it was him. It’s so weird when I sense things like that.
In any case, I also had detected weird stuff going on between her and Joseph too. Joseph has been hanging out with Melissa a WHOLE lot, much to the anger of his ex Elizabeth. He tries to hide it, but it got so apparent, that other people started picking up on it too. However, whenever he’s not with Melissa, it seems he has some sort of connection with Lalrem. He’s not the best guy for her, and so I talked to Ramong about it. He opened up the entire story to me. I could tell he’d been pretty down lately, and finally had the chance to talk. He had been dating Lalrem for the past 4 years, and she was the main reason he had come to college. But, two days after he got here, they broke up. They’re still friends, but he hurts so bad. I let him talk. She said she had changed, which is why she had broken up with him. They’re still friends, but it seems… I’m not sure yet. He asked me to look out for her, he still cares about her so much. I told him I would.

I went over to Grace’s room last night, her and Suje were there, and we just hung out for a while. I fell asleep there, and they covered me in a blanket and gave me a teddy bear. Silly girls. 🙂 I think Grace has a boyfriend back home, I’m starting to get a certain idea.

Thanks for all your comments on the logos, I put them up so my client could look at them but it was good to get some feedback too. I will be mostly putting up utilitarian stuff up, for work or school. I haven’t had much time for leisure.

Song playing: Usher – U Remind Me

Aloha.

To all of you on DA, I’m terribly sorry I haven’t been around. The only reason I’m writing to you now is that I’ve got a minor injury that prevents me from doing some ceramics work. I fell on my hand during volleyball yesterday. I didn’t notice anything at first, but when I got down to the lab, I found I couldn’t throw a single pot. Oh well. My first 0, I guess.

I’ll most likely be back during breaks or something, but in the mean time, please forgive me. I’m just unable to read everyone’s submissions.

Life is getting interesting.

Pagoda has been going well (at least what practices I have been able to attend). I know the boys from the band will lynch me when they hear what’s been keeping me occupied, but it’s about time I said it. Mostly it’s been because I’ve been hanging out with Nina and Inya a lot. Though Pagoda practices are usually on the weekends when I normally don’t have much to do, I’ve been pretty much booked solid (always ahead of time, I might add).

Almost every weekend I’ve been spending time with those two. Inya has invited me to a few things, and Nina and I have agreed to go together to a few things.

I’m not sure about Inya. We are very very good friends, but I’m not sure if it is possible to get any deeper than casual, and I’m not sure either one of us wants to. It’s becoming more and more apparent that the colour barrier is a bit too much for her.
It seems there’s something there. Something that keeps anything from happening, though something could. There is still tension, simply because she still sees me as a white boy.
Regardless to how little of me culturally or how little of my personality is “white”, there is still an inhibition. Perhaps it’s to do with appearances, and how we might appear when we’re together. I don’t know. But there’s something. And so, I’m looking at ways to keep from getting to close and yet not disrupting anything. Because it seems though she enjoys being around me at times; as soon as someone mentions anything, it becomes weird.

Nina, on the other hand. On the extreme other hand.
She has been just “happening” 🙂 to meet me outside after my Ceramics classes. My class is out at 4:30-5:00ish, and her’s doesn’t begin until 6:00. So, we’ve been finding ourselves talking. You may remember how we met and what we did this summer.
The thing is, the more we’ve talked, the more we’ve found we have in common. I went to see The Matrix with her, and then Bend it like Beckham (both really good movies I might add).
It went back and forth, occasional talking after classes and the like. We went to the ISA picnic yesterday, and she gave me a CD with music from Bend it like Beckham, and I asked for her screen name.
Then things really took off.
I’ve been kinda shy around her for some reason, but getting on IM got us truly alone. We’ve talked for hours the past tow nights, about lots and lots of stuff. We’ve got a lot more in common that we initially realized. Things began happening again. We both confessed to each other we had crushes on each other since the summer, and admitted that though we both wanted to get closer, we were afraid of hurting the other. It seemed so crazy, how much everything seemed to be fitting together, but I’m still unsure of how this is going to end up.

I’m not sure if I’d like to accelerate this as fast as the momentum might take it.
For one thing, I really want to get to know her a lot more. I want to have it grow as a friendship, even though it has the strong potential of growing as a relationship.
There is also a incongruity with faith right now; she’s been going through a lot with rediscovering herself and how her faith ties into it, and that seems a bit too unstable right now. I wouldn’t want to say anything that might damage her.
There’s a slight complication of the future, which is the main reason for keeping it as friends. In May, we both graduate. I plan on going to Australia, she plans on going to New York City. What happens at that point neither of us have any idea, but I don’t want to get so deep with her that our departure might hurt her.
A big factor for me is the fear of how familiar this feels. This type of serendipitous coincidental (providential?) meeting is exactly how Caroline and I first met. So similar that is scares me. I’d never want to repeat what happened at the end with Caroline. Ever ever ever. Nor would I ever want Nina to go through what Caroline went through.
The bizarre thing is, Nina even has slight physical relationship to Caroline. It’s not terribly similar, but it’s not impossible to see it. It’s not what caught my eye, nor does it really matter to me, but it’s enough to make me cringe every time I hear the chorus “She reminds me of a girl that I once knew”.

So. Friends. And we’ll see what happens.

Ciao.

There are a million things I should be working on, but I need to write.

This is where the true test of writing a journal entry comes in, because it is so… deep.

This is just a disclaimer. If you don’t want to know everything about the way I think, then please don’t read anymore. This journal speaks the truth.

I spoke with Inya last night.

Stop. Rewind. Play.

I spoke with Kankemwa last night.
She often comes to me for consolation. She broke up with her boyfriend a while back, but it’s still been affecting her. I often sit with her to help her work things out.
The issue was this: She wasn’t sure whether she should e-mail him again or not, because she was definitely feeling for him. I’m not going to go into the specifics, but I was egging her on to express her feelings, not now, but perhaps at a safe time.
Suddenly, she asked me if I had e-mailed Caroline. It’s been almost a full year since we broke up. She thought I should. I responded that I didn’t want to harass her anymore.
Kanke had lived across the street in the Girls Rafiki house when Caroline and I had broken up. She told me of a phone call they had received shortly after we broke up. Caroline had called the Girls and asked simply that they take care of me, because she knew I was going through a rough time.

I didn’t know what to say. Kanke looked me directly in the eye, and asked me if I was willing to put everything on the line simply because I didn’t e-mail her.
I brushed it off and laughed, remarking that it was her who was supposed to be being counseled.
But the thought stuck with me.
It’s been a year.
And I still feel like I forgive her, even after all the hurt.
I wonder how she’s going…

Later that night, Inya called.
I had said something awfully stupid to her the other night when we had been talking in my office, and it had been eating away at me for the past while. She had said at the time that she didn’t want to talk about it, so I stayed away from the topic. She quickly changed the subject, but I could tell something was different.
We began talking on the phone. I had (have? I don’t know) a crush on her at the end of the summer, and suddenly as we were talking I realized something was different about her too. I asked if we could talk in person. I went over to South Complex, and we sat in the lounge.
We’ve been very good friends for a while. I apologized profusely. I’d realized that something was changing about the way I was feeling about her, and had tried to bring a skidding relationship back to the friendship that was. She’s Nigerian, and there are a million little things that added up could make it very very hard for her if anything were to ever happen between us. I didn’t want to do anything stupid, so I tried to keep it low. But in the process, I also tried to ignore hints from her that she was letting me into a circle of friends that she rarely lets anyone into.
And the other night, those two worlds had collided.
Last night, we talked until 3. And we spelled out everything. Or at least, mostly I did. She still wasn’t sure. But I felt the need somehow to be direct with her about how I felt, simply so we don’t have to keep playing these games until someone gets hurt.
The strange thing was, it didn’t end when I told her. We talked about all kinds of things afterwards. Whatever happens, I hope we’re still friends.

When I got home, I found a note on my instant messenger, Nina hadn’t been able to sleep, and obviously had needed someone to talk to.
But she was gone.

I feel weird. Nothing has happened. According to everything official, we’re all still friends.
But what my friendship with Inya, Nina & Caroline constitutes I have absolutely no idea.

Cacophony.
I’m not sure how to make sense of it all.
I need to think.
I need them to think.
I need peace.

I’m graduating in MAY.

Song currently playing: Ace of Base – Change with the Light

So, here I sit, at a laptop.
It’s welcome week here at college, and the past three days have been insane. Every single freshman has a computer this year, I swear. And since there have been 3 class Four viruses going around, we’ve asked that everyone bring their PCs and laptops down here to be cleaned.
Consequently, that’s all I’ve done for the past 3 days.
I don’t mind it much, though. My boss has been really cool and given us subs and pizza and lots and lots of root beer.

I went down the business office last Friday, and they said they’d give me an extension if I brought in the 1000$ I had on Monday (which I did). I will pay a 1% interest on the remaining balance every month, but it’s ok. At least I’m here.
Naturally my parents went into a panic, and offered me money. I need to call them, though, because I’m not sure if I should take it. My little sister is going to college this fall, and money will even be tighter. I don’t know what to do. I need to call them, but our phones have been down, and when they are working I happen to get home late.

I’ve also been trying to get a hold of Prof. Feiser. He wants to do an independent study with me on cartooning, since our school currently does not offer it. But again, with the phones being down, it’s been tough. Most likely I’ll be able to call him today after work, though.

Regina is now working with me. She was interested in working for SCS last year, and so consequently, I did everything in my power to land her the job. And she did. She is very very smart, and a quick learner.
AND, since I have the most hopeless crush on her, it makes my work days go by incredibly fast.
You might remember that episode in which I visited her room.
But now I’m finding it incredibly easy to talk to her.
We got assigned to finish wiring up Boyer 2nd floor, and Berte (my boss) asked me to show her around and teach her the ropes of being a lab manager. She’s going to be a lab manager this year, and so am I. 😀

We spent several hours up there, just talking about all kinds of things, about her country & mine, about life at Messiah, about God & life… the time went so fast and the job got done so quickly we both were amazed.

It’s really nice to work with her, she’s so cheery and friendly and… frankly very very cute. 😀

She’s scheduled to work tomorrow, and Berte told me she might call me if she needed me. We’ll see.

Song currently playing: Rage Against the Machine – Calm like a Bomb

Oie.

So, all the freshman International Students arrived this week.
And, the majority of them are girls.
And, since I’ve been hanging out with Inya and Setti, the word is spreading fast that I’m a nice guy.

NOT that that’s a bad thing, BUT there are a short supply of guys here, and those that are here are either very very immature; or not interested in girls at all. AND, since Valerie asked me my age last night; it’s spreading fast that though I’m a senior, I’m only a year older than the freshmen. 😛

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining… 😛
But it does get me awfully confused.
It’s hard for me, because when I have this many female friends, I get paranoid. It gets harder and harder to tell which attitudes are friendly and which are looking for something deeper. At the same time, I can tell a certain number of them are getting deeper and it gets me scared because I don’t want to hurt any of them.
I feel at times I’m not paying enough attention to some of them. And then when I do, I feel like I spending too much time with them and not with someone else.

I end up retreating to secluded places by myself to think; but invariably one of them finds me in the now-labeled “romantic” spot and then I get drawn into conversations with them.

I don’t think it’s wrong, its simply that I don’t know most of them enough to get this deep. But at the same time, I don’t want to scare them off in hopes that perhaps they might be the PERFECT person to get deep with.

So, for now, I’m doing my best to remain as friends, but with a friendship so deep as might be accustomed by a trusted confidant (which to many I already am).

My only resolution is to keep watching and be very considerate of who I choose to make deeper friends with.