Journal

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop held online.What do you think others are learning from you?

What do you think others are learning from you?

I’ve noticed that there are definitely people who have brought me into their lives so that they can learn from me. It’s an interesting feeling, because while I’ve been an educator in the past, I’ve it’s fascinating to watch people bring me into their circles because they value my input on different things. For many, I’m the white guy who is a source of information on protesting or feminism or revolution… and all that is odd for me because there are so many others I look up to for those kinds of things.

I enjoy being valued by other people in that way, and looked up to. It makes me more diligent on keeping myself on point. But I also want people to grow on their own as well, independent of me. I’m happy with the bonds I’ve been making with people.

When it comes to relationships, whether it is professional, family, intimate, or romantic, what is a dealbreaker for you? Where did that dealbreaker come from?

For me, I had to build up dealbreakers across all relationships. I used to think it was a strength to not have dealbreakers, and to be able to take any and all kinds of challenges.

What I did not take into effect was that sometimes the challenges in relationships can actually be abuse from others. As I grew more in my confidence, I began to be less tolerant of people who would take advantage of me, and would leave bosses, partners, or friends that were not healthy for me.

In what areas of your life is your power enabled? Does it help you? Does it help others?

I really feel like when it comes to deep relationships and getting beyond the superficial, that’s where I truly shine. When we can all be around each other and chill. Late nights around campfires. Talking politics and relationships, telling stories, and sharing experiences.

Imagine I have lost all memory. How would you explain love to me?

Love is a magnetism, an urge. It is a visceral attraction to someone, that makes you want to give your whole being to them. It makes you want to be in their presence, to invest time and energy into them. It dilates your pupils, flushes your skin, makes your hair stand on end. It sends tingles down your extremities, and warmth up your spine. It makes you see the world in a deep golden glow. Makes every music sound sweeter. Every good feeling heightened, every sense opened. Stress melts from you. Touch ignites you. You feel powerful and sensitive at the same time, vulnerable and empowered. It grows you in such beautiful ways. Love is the strongest and beautiful of all feelings.

What is something you’d like to remember forever?

I have a really horrible time remembering things. Because of that, I have to create all kinds of mechanisms, footholds and handholds, to remind myself of what reality actually is. I can sometimes slide off the deep end if I don’t keep active journals or take photos of where I’ve been to help trigger my memory into working again. Because otherwise, I’ll start to question everything.

To that point, one of the things I did after my very first relationship ended was to remove and erase all those handholds. I went up on the roof, put all the letters she had written to me into a metal bucket, and burned them. I gave away gifts she’d given me. I deleted photos from my computer. And slowly, like a scene from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, she began getting erased. By the time everything was done, which took me weeks to do, I had trouble remembering what she looked like.

Now that I know I have that ability, I hold onto those handholds and footholds a little more tightly. Writing down when people have affirmed me. Recording notes of when people have told me they’ve loved me. Keeping a special box of things that let me know that people actually care about me.

Because otherwise, I might forget.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop held online.

If you were Earth’s official tour guide for aliens, where would you take them?

I think I would show them the places and people that mean the most to me. I would bring them to my home village, introduce them to my friends there. I’d show them where I grew up, the forests I played and explored, the elders I learned from.

I’d show them my favourite places in Baltimore, have them meet the people closest to me, let them hear their stories. I’d show them beauty and growth, but I would also show them the things and places that have been hard too. I’d show how there is injustice in the world, but also how we’ve overcome it and built, and fought back.

If all your exes got together, what is one complaint that they all would agree on?

All the people I’ve dated have been very different. And they would really really not want to be in the same room with each other.

I think they would all universally agree that I have the tendency to be too hard on myself and work myself into a lather by beating myself up over things. That is something that has hurt the relationships I’ve been in, and it’s the thing that I still struggle with the most.

It manifests by me taking small criticisms, and really really exaggerating them into giant criticisms that would challenge the very person I was. I’d dig my heels in and get defensive and become really depressed.

It has only been in my most recent relationships that this did not happen. It was both because I had grown to take criticism a lot better but also because I was partnering with people who refused to take advantage of my triggers and traumas.

What’s one character trait that you hope you never pass down to your kids?

I’m not sure it’s possible to prevent, because at this point I see some of myself manifesting in them already. But I would really like them not to learn the temper I had when I was younger, and the aforementioned tendency to be too hard on themselves.

But I am doing my best to teach them the skills and lessons I’m learning now.

What is the easiest way to break your trust?

My threshold for trust is much much higher than it was before. I pay way more attention to warning signs and signals that people are not trustworthy, and am more cautious about getting close to people. But once I have put trust in people, it is hard for me to let go, even if they’ve hurt me badly. Repeated broken promises in which I’m hurt are the way that it happens.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop held online.

What do you normally take for granted?

My therapist took me to task this week, pointing out that I will often justify other people’s treatment of me, and adjust my own behaviour rather than asking for what I want or need. And it’s to the point where most of the time I don’t even think about it; if problems come my way, I take for granted that I will be ok because I’ll just adjust.

The real problem is when I get asked of so much, or taken advantage of to the point where I can no longer give or adjust. That’s when I breakdown. But even in my broken down place, I will still blame myself for the breakdown, apologizing for my own failing under pressure, rather than identifying the pressure itself.

It is bad to the point where I won’t even be able to correctly identify what I’m feeling. If someone wrongs me in some type of way, I’ll avoid feelings of anger and disappointment by focusing on the other person’s reasons for wronging me and justifying their behaviour. I have to really sit quietly and concentrate to try and identify how I actually feel about some things.

What is something you wanted for a long time, but then once you acquired it, it wasn’t as useful as you expected?

When I was a little kid, my parents wouldn’t let me have a Nintendo. Initially, I thought it was because we weren’t able to afford it, but even when I asked my grandparents or my aunts and uncles for them as gifts, my parents stepped in and turned it down.

I would end up going over to friends houses where we would play Nintendo together for hours, but I was never really good at them because I didn’t have one at home. I even tried saving up for one to get one on my own, but my parents still said no.

When we came to the USA for my last year of high school, things shifted a bit. My little brother was allowed to get all kinds of video games. I was upset about it for a while, but at 16, I was on my way out of my parent’s house and on my way to college.

Right before I moved out, I found a gigantic crate of video games and a old Nintendo console on the side of the road that someone had thrown out. Excitedly, I brought it home and hooked it all up the gigantic wood-paneled TV we had in the living room. Everything worked, and for several hours, I played with my little brother.

But after those few hours, I got up, and went for a bike ride. I maybe played a couple hours a week after that, but I just wasn’t as interested in it. When I went off to college, I gave the crate to my little brother.

What is one magical memory from the past year?

It was cold. We walked along cobblestone streets slowly, picking our way across grandiose squares in front of city hall, occasionally getting splattered by chilly rain. She held on to my arm tightly, she taking strides slightly longer, mine slightly shorter, so that we could comfortably move together in a sort of simple dance.

A carousel whirled in front of us, and her eyes brightened. I nodded, smiling, and we bought a couple of tokens and climbed aboard. We had the entire carousel to ourselves, so we walked around the second level, taking pictures on the horses, before finally coming to rest on a swing, her head on my shoulder.

As the twirling slowed, we alighted back on the square, and continued on. Music filtered from the alleys, a flock of white birds rode air currents over the Seine. The sky darkened to a deeper, darker blue, and she pulled me down one of the brightly lit alleys, whirling past golden shopfronts until we ducked into a small cafe. Two hot chocolates and sweet and savoury crepes later, we sat. Warm, happy, and in love.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

Think of someone who makes you feel happy, who inspires you, who motivates you. What was it about them that inspires you, motivates you, or makes you feel happy? What qualities of theirs do you see in yourself?

People who inspire, motivate me, and make me happy are the only ones I make serious efforts to hang out with. A really excellent example of this was going to a barbeque this Sunday. My friends Joe and Holly Cardamone had me, Devin Allen, Alanah Nichole, Kondwani Fidel, and a host of others up for a socially distance hangout. Joe and Holly have an enormous yard, a big deck, and a long dock jutting off the end of their property. All of us are creatives and work in social justice in some capacity in Baltimore, and it was just an amazing opportunity to unwind and relax with them.

All of them have overlapping qualities of generosity, care for those less advantaged than them, all truly have a passion for art and creativity, dedicate themselves to peace, but are ready to fight injustice.

I definitely see myself reflected in them, and almost all my friends share those qualities. When I am with them, I feel at home.

Your body is sending you messages, with love. What is your body craving? If you were listening to your body, what would you be doing?

I need to have more movement. The weather is cooling, and my body is itching to go out and enjoy it. However, I need to be serious about making it happen. Scheduling it, planning it, and doing it.

Most of the summer I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants, heading to the beach when work was done and the weather was right. Fortunately, because work was light and the weather was amazing, it meant that I would go often.

However, now the weather is more chaotic, it’s rainy, cool, warm, dry, windy, calm… all unpredictable. I went out to enjoy the sunset yesterday, and though there was a 0% of rain, a tiny storm blossomed and blew in, drenching me and the kids.

I need to make sure I’m hiking, kayaking, walking, stretching, and doing cardio in a planned regular way. My body is urging me to.

How do you best express your creativity, and when was the last time you did it?

I’m getting back into sketching! I recently got enough saved up that I was able to buy an older used iPad, and its meant that I’ve been able to make artwork so much faster than I was able to before. There are some amazing new drawing apps, which really feel like a traditional sketchpad. So I’ve been drawing whenever I have free time, sitting there and sketching. Right now I’m working on a sketch of Storm, from the X-Men.

I also made a challenge to release a new piece of art on my website every day this week. I released my drawing of Sanober Khan yesterday.

Name one thing that makes you proud of yourself. Why does it make you proud?

I’m proud that I haven’t given up. Life hasn’t always been easy, from when I was a child, all the way up until recently. But when faced with each obstacle, every pain, each challenge, I’ve eventually overcome them. I continue to water and nurture myself and push myself to continue to grow.

This makes me proud to have resisted the odds, but also gives me a certain level of comfort that I’ll be able to keep going, even when times seem hard.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

Knowing what I know now, what kind of advice would I give to my younger self?

There are a good many things I’d warn myself, about dangers ahead, pitfalls to avoid, things to apply for, things to save… but I think what I most needed to hear as a young person, was that I would find love, that I really did have everything I desired, and that I would be alright.

My youth was terribly lonely and painful, which dramatically altered who I was well into adulthood. I feel like I’m in a very good place now, full of peace and strength that I didn’t have before. Telling myself that I would come to this place despite the challenges is something that would be so reassuring to me.

I think to the future, and think about what I need to hear now, and what kind of advice I’d like from my future self to tell me now. I know no matter what, the Creator will care for me. No matter what, I’ll be alright.

When was the last time you disregarded the intelligence inside you?

Intelligence says I should go to bed on time and not browse on the internet until 2 am, but I did not listen to intelligence, and now I am very tired. 😂

What are my best qualities?

I’m attentive, and kind. I’m encouraging and supportive. I’m an excellent and loyal friend. I am a passionate lover. I listen well. I am a hard worker, and I’m very talented at what I do. I am one of the best huggers you’ll meet. I’m generous with what I have. I am serious about my spirituality. I’m a great conversationalist. I know my struggles, I’m aware of them, and I work on them. I am very calm in very high stress situations. I’m flexible, and do well with spontaneity. I look good. I am strong, in many many ways. I’m a great father. I’m amiable. I am good at figuring out creative new ways of doing things. I make those around me feel comfortable with me, regardless of culture or place. I can make a client out of anyone. I hustle and I’m consistent. I’m a good cook. I have depth and levels and layers to discover. I am full of good surprises. I’m clever, when I fuss around. I am deeply respectful. I’ve got a good sense of humour. I appreciate the small things, and find beauty in every thing.

What positive changes have you noticed in your life lately?

I’ve noticed money has been flowing a little easier. I’m not entirely sure why, but people have been paying me more readily for things. I’m still trying to get more projects in the door, but I’m becoming more confident in my position. I’m hoping I can get back to the place where my company can hire more people again.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

What is the most courageous thing I’ve ever done. How did it make me feel?

I think this question was asked before, and my answer was to stand up for myself and file for divorce.

I think one of the second most courageous things I’ve done was switching my major when I was in college. I had gone to school for engineering, with the goal of being a robotics engineer for NASA. I had been inspired by my father, who had worked for a submarine company called Hydrospace doing drafting work, and by documentaries I’d seen about the Canadarm, a gigantic robotic arm that lifts satellites in and out of space shuttles.

However, I struggled in some of my classes, especially the math-heavy ones. I had skipped the 3rd grade when I was younger, and had always had this sense that I was permanently set back because I hadn’t completed memorization of my multiplication tables. Though I excelled in the drafting classes (in which we had to imagine and draw 3-dimensional objects and parts) and in the hands-on building and manufacturing labs, I flailed in the mathematics and circuits classes.

At one point, my mathematics professor, Angela Hare, brought me aside for some out-of-class tutoring, and while we toiled over equations, asked me if I’d be happy doing an engineering job. She had mentioned in class earlier that it was important to love what you were doing as a profession, because it would mean that you wouldn’t work a day in your life. This had stuck with me. I realized that if I didn’t get paid a huge sum of money for engineering work, that I wouldn’t really be happy. I thought I would be designing robots, but the majority of engineering was really crunching numbers and testing materials to make things designers dreamed up work.

At that same time, playing around in graphics programs as a kid, had slowly become a hobby. People would request me to design them t-shirts, logos, and had been building websites. However, until some friends in a circuits class insisted I look into it, I had no idea it could be a profession I could make a living with. The more I researched and prayed about it, the more I felt like God had given me gifts and a passion for creation that I wasn’t truly making use of.

After a lot of praying, research, and learning as much as I could about graphic design, I finally made the decision to switch majors. I was terrified to tell my parents. Design was a much less well-earning job than engineering, and I knew how much my parents had sacrificed so I could go. And, I felt like I was following in my father’s footsteps. When I called, my father was silent for a moment, and then started cheering! He told me all about how he had also done graphic design work when he was younger, and had a full portfolio of work that he later showed me. I had no idea!

It was still a struggle to do, because many of the scholarships I was receiving were only good for 4 years of college, and I was already 2 years into the engineering major. But, despite very few of my credits transferring, I managed to work extra had and test out of as many things as I could, and graduated on time!

What kinds of routines or habits limit my everyday life?

I really feel like my life is so spur of the moment so much of the time, that I always feel like habits and routine are what help me to be the most productive. I’m constantly having to reign in some of my creativity so that I actually get things done and get paid for them, because otherwise I just forget! The limits of routine and habit actually help me to focus.

Sometimes I will do certain things out of habit just so I don’t have to think about them too much and so they’re not a distraction. For example I imagined what the most perfect breakfast would be, and so most of the time I make that nearly every day. I love it, and I don’t get bored of it, and so shopping is super easy because I just buy the same things all time. There are variables in it, like whatever berries are in season, but limiting my breakfast to a healthy, regular, fantastic meal, means my day gets kicked off in such a great way.

Am I living according to the expectations and dreams of others or myself? How do I distinguish the from each other?

I’m far to much a recalcitrant to live by other people’s expectations. I thrive at forging my own path, clearing my own way of doing things.

However, I have learned that sometimes there are others who have gone before that can teach me about my own journey, and point out roots and stumbling blocks that could trip me up.

That doesn’t mean I still won’t go and crash my own way through the jungle, but sometimes it will help me learn new ways of swinging the machete!

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

What is the most important thing for me in this moment?

Honesty.

Honesty is always the most important thing for me, even when it hurts. But honesty with myself is the thing that is most import for me at the moment. Making sure that I’m staying on top of my assignments, resting when I need to, and really taking care of myself and investing in myself when I need it. All of that requires a deep knowledge of self, and to be very honest about the reality of what I feel and what I need to do.

Do I want to do this thing? Am I taking enough time for myself? Is it fulfilling to me? Does it align with my standards? Does it help others? Does it help me?

All of these questions require pure honesty.

If all were well in your world, what would that look like?

All is well in my world because I know that I will be alright.

I do have things to worry about, things that make me uneasy, things that I must work on, but I have the knowledge and the assurance that my God has got me, and that I’m strong enough to adapt, grow, and overcome. Even if they hurt.

If this were my last day, would I be satisfied with my life? What would I have differently?

I think if today was my last day, I’d honestly have taken out a lot of things. I wouldn’t have gone to any meetings. I wouldn’t have let the kids go to school. I would have spent the whole day outside. I would have gone swimming.

I think most days I do things like that because I try to seize the moment as much as I can. It leaves me with fewer regrets.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

Just like a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, think of a small painful experience and share how it helped you transform your strength, growth or purpose.

I got stuck on this question, because I kept trying to figuring out what a small painful experience would be.

And I can’t figure out if that’s because small stuff doesn’t bother me…

Or if so many big painful experiences have happened that I don’t notice the small ones…

Or if I ignore small problems until they become big problems…

Or if I’m really great at handling small problems that they don’t feel like problems.

I’ll have to think about that some more.

We all think that happiness is something that will come when conditions in our lives are better. What things are you waiting for before you can be happy? What if they never happen?

I’m pretty happy right now. I’m stressed about the absurd things that are happening in the country, but personally I feel pretty good. I’m growing in a lot of ways, feel loved, I’m growing spiritually, I’m expanding my business, I have good support, and I’m investing in myself.

There are plans I made last year that I wanted to have happen this year that I thought would make me happy. I thought I was going to be traveling regularly, made plans to explore the Caribbean, was looking forward to visiting my girlfriend at the time a lot, wanted to visit my parents regularly… and none of that could happen.

And… I’m still happy. I’m adjusting, rolling with the punches. I’m not always great at it and sometimes I get hit and go down, but I’m still working on it.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

How has your life gotten better in 2020?

Despite everything that has happened, things have gotten better, in a lot of areas.

I am definitely more motivated in my own physical health more. Though I had some setbacks with just how tough time management has been to slog through, I am taking care of myself amazingly.

I am also way more confident in my own body. I thought it was a switch that I turned on 2 years ago, but instead it’s been more of a slow turning up of the dial. I keep learning new ways to appreciate and be thankful for the ways I have been made.

My relationship with my kids has deepened, where I’ve learned the different ways in which the both of them work, and built safe spaces both for them to open up to me more, and spaces to just be kids and have fun.

My art has expanded. I’ve gotten more commissions than I ever have before. And I also feel more appreciated in my art, in addition to being more confident in it as well.

I’m getting back into photography; which I have had on hiatus for almost 6 years. My friends are really encouraging me to get back into it, and in a few weeks, I’ll have built a new section on my website just dedicated to my photography.

Who do you need to forgive, and why won’t you?

There is one person I haven’t forgiven.

But there are plenty of people who I will no allow to hurt me. And most of those people are people that I forgave.

I think ultimately people are fallible and will let you down, whether on accident or on purpose. Holding on to those things doesn’t help me in any way, but I can learn from them.

What I have to be careful of is the tendency I have to hold on to old pain. I am getting better and better at releasing it and releasing myself.

Who I am working on is fully forgiving myself.

What would I do if I had enough time?

I’d practice my music more. I haven’t touched my piano in a while just because not only does it not make any money unlike my other talents, it also requires a little money because I need to either fix my amplifier or get a new one. It feels silly to invest in it, when I need money for so many other things.

What do I do now when I have time?

I invest in myself and my drawing. If I have a moment, I take my iPad, go down by the water, and I draw. It recharges me so much. It feels almost as good as swimming.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

Think about a boundary you have had to set with someone. What were the benefits of setting this boundary?

A new boundary I just set was raising the pricing on my art commissions. I was in Pints & Prose, a writing group that has been encouraging me in both my art and my writing. I showed off some in-progress commissioned drawings I was making, and one of the members asked me how much I was charging per drawing. I sent them the Commissions page of my website. They then asked how long it took me to make a drawing. Each drawing takes me roughly 40-50 hours to create, depending on the complexity. They pointed out that I was making around $5 an hour, and said I needed to up my rates.

So, I’m going to be sending out an email to all my Patrons and art fans, and letting them know I’m raising the rates, and that they can hire me at the lower rate only until the end of this week.

We’ll see what happens!

If you had to live in a room by yourself for one month, what healthy activities would you bring in for fun?

I’ve actually thought about this, in case I was locked up as political prisoner or something. I think these are the things that I would bring in.

• A volleyball – I have trouble working out, I have to make it fun in some way. That’s one of the reasons I’m in Karate, so that I’m having fun while working out. A ball is something I’d be able to play with, smack against the wall, volley over my head, use it to sit on or massage myself with with, practice spinning on my finger. It would help encourage me to train and focus on something else.
• A plant – Something to tend for and help remind myself that I can continue to grow.
• Pencils & paper – To help me practice my drawing, to help me continue my drawing, and imagine a world outside the four walls I’d be in.
• An iPod – Music is so important to me. Giving something for me to sing along with and inspire me to do the above things.

What is my gift to the world?

I feel like I have many many gifts to give to the world, but I think most of them focus around introspection. With my art, writing, photography, design, and even my presence, I most love it when it inspires, motivates, or helps people to reflect on some part of themselves. I have a set of beliefs that I live by; taking joy in small things, defending the oppressed, and growing to be the most compassionate person I can be, and so my work tends to inspire and motivate people towards those qualities. And each part of those is wrapped in love.

Am I focusing more on what my life looks like rather than what it feels like?

I feel like I’m merging those two concepts, or at least bringing them closer together. This morning, I woke up extra early for no real reason. I’ve converted my bay window into a prayer, yoga, meditation and napping space. The sun was filtering through the bamboo blinds. My windows were open because hasn’t been as hot lately, and crickets and birds sang through on a gentle cool breeze. My palms cast shadows across the walls. My satin sheets and velvet blankets were soft and decadent, and I just felt so good. The scene looked like an Instagram aesthetic post to me, but it was real. It was my actual room, and it was that way because I had designed it and built it that way, just for me.

I’m challenging myself to keep altering my space to closer match my dreams.

Describe who you really are. What keeps you from showing your genuine self?

I think I’ve been working hard to be my genuine self, and I think that I’ve been pretty successful at it over the past few years. Tapping in to who I really am apart from another person has been key to that. So much of my identity was wrapped up in partnership before, that I had to relearn some of the things that really were some of the more nuanced things I enjoyed about my own personality.

I have felt in some ways that my complexity and depth can be a little scary for some people, so sometimes I have just opted to no talk about everything about myself when I meet people, and let things slowly be revealed over time.

This means that the people who hang around me the longest and who show the most interest in me know the most full version of me. I am a deep and multifaceted person, and I’m done hiding that for other people’s comfort.

If I didn’t feel shame or fear, what would I do now?

There is not a lot I feel shame about right now, nor fear. I’m happy to be in this place.

Think about a time in your life when you thought things were doing well in your life. How did you feel about yourself? What was going on at the time?

Other than now, I think a time where I was doing well was immediately after I graduated college and was living on my own. I had enough income to cover all my bills and a little extra, everything was direct-deposit and automatically withdrawn, and I worried about very little.

I felt good about myself. I was still in the middle of my own body dysmorphia and wasn’t thinking about myself in totally positive ways, I was lonely in some ways, but I was happy.

I feel like I’m recovering some of that same place. And I think it’s important

Why are you so afraid of being celebrated?

I think I’m afraid of not living up to the celebration, of being less than worthy.

Which is silly.

I am worthy.