In Maryland

Song currently playing: Children – Robert Miles

And so I write to you remotely.

I am at my friend Rob’s house, who was kind enough to come pick me up at my house for a weekend to hang out at his very welcoming family’s house in Maryland. I was originally going to go to VA Beach, but I wasn’t able to get a hold of my friend Kim, a Vietnamese student who lives there. Ah well, I’m having fun here.

I’ll be missing a Pagoda practice tomorrow night, which is a shame, but we’re doing well, and aren’t too pressed for practices anyways.

Very vivid dreams lately, though none of them Deja Vu, I can tell. Short clips, usually of me being in close encounter with a girl. It amazes me how much I miss that; simply feeling truly welcome in the same place. It… just makes me feel content inside, even if we’re doing something as mundane as studying together… the interaction is like liquid electricity for me. Each single solitary event like that makes me feel as if I could shut down completely at that moment and live on that feeling for the rest of eternity.
Maybe I fall in love to easily. But if were to mean I would be deprived of this feeling, than I wouldn’t want it.

The dreams are never the same girl, oddly enough, most likely preying on my own insecurities about whether girls are really attracted to me or not. But I entertain the dreams, at least they’re better than my overactive mind coming up with every type of rejection a particular girl could give me, should I ever come outright and say what I was feeling. This happens too often in my own head anyways.

*stares in irony a moment as he reads his own journal*

I must at all costs drop my inhibitions the next time the opportunity arises, her exactly what I’m feeling. I’ve got to give it at least a try.
*goes on to justify himself*
I’ll be a Senior, after all, I don’t have much to lose in being completely honest.
Say if I merely said I found her cute. This would be no lie.
Say I found her personality attractive. This would be no lie either.
Say I told her I wanted to be her friend. This would also be no lie, but would most likely kill any serious chances of me ever being her friend (or anything deeper, for that matter.)
And this my arguments bazooka themselves to death.

Unless, of course, she smiled prettily and said she found she liked me too.
Then you might as well bazooka me, because I would be completely GONE by then anyways.

Girls often have a list of visible criteria to figure out which is a good guy. Guys only need an opportunity to get to know them.

Rendering

Song currently playing: Daddy’s Home – The Temprees

Good evening ladies and gents,

No post for tonight, I’m rendering a short clip for my 3D submission. Worked hard on the camerawrok, making sure it didn’t look too choppy. We’ll see how it looks like tommorow morning.

Still no work on ‘s site, she just got back from vacation, and things are a little crazy for her at the moment.

Pagoda had a fantastic practice Saturday night, we played all our potential EP songs straight through, and NAILED them. We could have recorded last night and it would have been awesome.

I go back to work tomorrow, and my boss is supposed to give me feedback on my poster design for her. That should go well. I think I may need to ask for more vacation this week, because I’m going to be helping my dad move a car to Connecticut. For the 4th of July, I’m thinking of heading down to Virginia Beach for some time off. :) (Smile) I have a friend down there, and she said I could stay with her. Her mom cooks the most awesome Vietnamese food, too.

I wish I could spend more time on Bittner 3rd. One of my good friends is back from England, she is so good to talk to. I love when I can get into a really deep conversation. I think I’m going to limit myself to 1 submission per day, to give me time to do other stuff. I’m averaging 1 or 2 new people a day, and that takes a little time to follow up on.

I’ve been getting some deep conversations with and . I think I may have talked to much, though… I hate doing that x_x sometimes I scare people off. I just really like talking to people who see things on a deeper level.

~Orion

Harrisburg

Mood: Gloomy .: Melancholy :.
Listening to: .: Ricardo Arjona – Ella Y El :.
Reading: .: The Count of Monte Christo :.
Watching: .: Fahrenheit 9/11 :.

Sometimes I wish I weren’t so bloody romantic.
I’ve officially moved into Harrisburg. Camp is over, and I’m now completely on my own, living on the scrapings of cash and plugging as much money as possible into student loans.
And I like Harrisburg. I keep finding beautiful things about this city. It has incredible charm, and a very friendly and loving atmosphere to it. A third of it lies in ruins similar to Michael Moore’s home town, a third consists of pleasant townhouses with carefully tended lawns and striking architecture, and the last third is the bustling down town where the two previous are mixed with glass and steel.
It is a beautiful place.
And I keep having to remind myself that I want to see the world. I doubt I will stay at Nativity more than a year, I want to travel. I want to get rid of these blimmin school loans, though. They’re driving me up a wall. I want freedom. Comparatively, I don’t have much. Far less than the average student. But I still have them. And I don’t like them.
And so I’ve been finding all the beautiful nooks and crannies of this city. The independent movie theatre. Classy places to dine. Scenic walking routes filled with fireflies and bridges with lights. Beaches on the water perfect for escaping to.
And here I am, all alone. A bloody hopeless romantic. And now that I’m freshly graduated, I have almost no female contact at all. I must apologize to all you guys out there, but sorry, I don’t get along with guys that well. I just don’t. The typical guy and me don’t have a whole lot in common; and most of the time I either end up wanting to beat them up for being a chauvinist pig, or being bored to tears talking about insignificant stuff. And I sound like something’s wrong with me now when I say I miss girls. I miss their company.
*Sigh*
I’m sure the time will come. It shakes my independence, I guess I just need to get into the scheme of keeping myself occupied.

Pagoda had it’s first practice in a while tonight. It went sloppy, but we did well. I kinda wish it would die, though. Saxton sent everyone an e-mail about hints that he might leave the band. I’m not wishing he would, but I could see how less people would be better for the band. Jeff, I don’t know. Jeff writes music well. But it is hard to work with him for some reason. I’m not sure why.
I don’t know. Sometimes I get discouraged. Lox, Jeff & Mike have such weird playing ideals. Whenever a chord progression is too regular, they seem to throw it out. No one appreciates standard tried-and-true music compositions, the kind of stuff I love. I am convinced that certain progressions and time signatures are pleasing to the ear; and experimenting within those limits is the key to writing good music.
Ah. I’m just frustrated.
I need to fix the headlight on the Wiiskichaan so I can ride around at night.
I wish Tamika would call.

Back

Song currently playing: Start the Commotion – the Wiseguys

Aloha!

I’m back, as you’ve probably guessed from the plethora of comments. Thanks so much for reading my last post, your comments really helped a lot. I’m doing ok, and Pagoda’s going to meet tomorrow to perhaps meet our new manager and talk about the song.

It appears as if I have quite a few more people Devwatching me, some of whom I’ve never met! Well, He’s to meeting them…

Vacation wasn’t too good. My sister and I were on our way to Creationfest (a huge concert with about 50 bands) when my van died. It blew a gasket, which costs about 2000$ to fix. Needless to say, I scrapped it and then Lox came to pick me up (the boy drove 5 hours to come get me!). I’m safe and sound now, and working to unpack and clean my room.

More posts soon,,,

Coincidence

Song currently playing: Secret Ambition – Micheal W. Smith

I won’t be around for a week or two, I’m going on vacation. I’ll have a lot of catching up to do when I get back, but be assured I’ll look at all your work. :) (Smile)

Pagoda’s practice last night of a particular song had a deep effect on me, as I predicted.

Caroline called me.

I was working in Frey, and my boss called me as she usually does, and gave a couple instructions on stuff she wanted me to do.
Suddenly, she cut off.
At the same moment, the phone across the hall rang. One of the workstudy janitor girls who was sweeping the floor picked it up and answered it.
She looked puzzled for a moment, then handed it to me.
“It’s for you.” she said, holding out the receiver.
I got up and took it from her, and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hello.” she said. That should have cued me off, the particular tone she answered with should have struck me, it was the way we always started phone conversations, without ever saying the other’s name. But it’s been so long since I talked to her I didn’t even recognize it.

She seemed to get a little scared and frustrated that I didn’t recognize her, so she tried speaking to me in Naskapi (I had taught her a few words).
“Da-deen?” [what’s up?]

“Da-deen?” I replied, “u- one chi?” [who are you?]

She didn’t understand of course, and tried to remember some other words.
“Shachituun, Binchibin.” [I love you, Benjamin.]

I finally recognized who it was but was a little freaked out that she called me. I played dumb.
“U- one u chi? Ash teemini shtudaatin. Danta ataain?” [Who are you? I can’t understand you at all. Where are you?]

She became even more frustrated and scared, and digressed into Indonesian, trying desparately to communicate with me.
“It’s Caroline, Ben.” she finally said.

I didn’t know what to say. “Well… hi.”

There was an awkward pause.

“I really want to talk to you.” she said softly, “I just- I’ve been feeling bad about the way things ended. Between you and me.”

I remained neutral. “Uh huh..”

She paused again, I could hear adjust wherever she was. Probably lying on her bed. “I feel bad, Ben. I know I cut you off, and I’m sorry.”

“You said you wanted to be friends, but then wouldn’t respond to me. What was I supposed to think?” I wasn’t angry, but I didn’t quite comprehend that she was actually doing this.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I was scared of you, you know? All the stuff we did, I didn’t want us to go back.”

“But we worked through it each time. We never dealt with the same problem twice, because we took the time to talk with one another. Once you cut me off, I never was able to understand why. I still don’t know why.” I was getting slightly miffed.

“I was scared, Ben. But I’ve been thinking all this time we’ve been apart. It’s been hard for me too, you know.”

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

“It has…” she didn’t lose her tone. She seemed so soft… “It’s been really hard. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I just decided to take things into control and … but I’m not sure if I’m right anymore. I was just thinking.. what if you are the one for me? I mean, it could still happen, I don’t want to give up on that chance…”

“Well… me neither…” I admitted, “But I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. I don’t know who you are.”

“I still remember you,” she said, “I miss you, Ben. It’s hard. I met a couple guys down here, they’re ok, but they’re not as gentle, or patient or strong or as forgiving as you. I want to at least see if we can be friends again. I miss you not mostly in our relationship, but in our friendship. We were good friends. You’re still the best friend I’ve ever met, you know.”

“Me neither…” I said softly. I looked around. Without knowing it, I had retreated into the classroom out of sight of the cleaning girl, and was sitting on the floor. staring at my hands.

“I want to see you again, Ben. But I want to know what you think…” She paused.

We sat in silence for a while, I was thinking hard.
My very first initial gut reaction was to forgive her. I was incredibly surprised at this thought, that even after all the pain I had been through, and how much her silence had hurt me like nothing before; I still felt the desire to forgive her. And it was strong too. Not for want of a relationship, either. Though I did want that, I wanted only to forgive her because I knew it was the right thing to do, and honestly, I wanted her back as a friend.
Other relationships were progressing here at the college, strong friendships, and it was tough trying to determine what it was worthwhile. I just wasn’t sure how honest she was being.

One of the things she had told me when we broke up was that all the times she had said she loved me over the two years we had been together, she had never really felt it. That was rough for me. But the thing was, she broke up with me over the phone. I couldn’t tell whether she was being serious, or whether she was simply saying it to give me a reason to push her away. I don’t know. I couldn’t see her eyes.

I knew what to say. I needed to see her face to face, needed to see if she was serious enough to take time off of work and school, and to drive up here to say it to my face.

I was about to say that to her…

And I woke up.

Like I said previously, 85% of my dreams are Deja Vu. But they don’t usually come true if I talk about them. So, that’s why I’ve decided to tell you this one. If this happens, I’ll know it will have happened because it was meant to be, not because I simply dreamed it. I only want this to come true if it’s really true. Because I’m so tired of living on half-feelings.

As I said before, I will never fall in love again unless the other person expresses love in me. When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I’ll never fall in love.

Back to Pagoda. The reason this dream was spawned was from the song Saxton finished the lyrics to last night. It doesn’t really have a title yet, but I’ll call it Phoenix for now.
I wrote the bassline for Phoenix, and from it the entire band jumped on and took off with it, developing it into a truly rocking song.

But when I heard the final lyrics last night, and what the meaning behind them was, I was horrified. The meaning Jared brought to the song was him arising from the destruction of a past relationship, basking in the glory that he had been affected by the heartache from past experiences, and in conceited self glory.

As many of you know, I’m a romantic, and always will be. I couldn’t graps the concept of seeing this type of raw feeling that to me was very sinister and almost evil, especially out of a song I helped write. I began distancing myself from the song, mechanically playing it. I turned off all senses but touch, closing my eyes and playing the song from feeling alone. It helped develop it, but the other band members seemed disturbed at my reaction.

Music affects me very deeply, and also controls how I feel. Consequently, I listen to and write music based on how I would like to feel, and it works.

But this songs was turning into something I would NEVER want to feel, or even understand. It affected me deeply anyways, and it is the root of the dream.

What frightens me, however, is the deep connection me and Caroline shared. Sometimes, we dreamed the same thing, met coincidently in random but very specific places, thought the same thoughts, and decided things that fit the other’s decision perfectly without knowing what the other decided. When we first fell in love, we admitted our love to each other at the same time, without knowing fully how the other felt.

What does this mean? It means that it’s possible that she could be feeling this way too. But I don’t know. That’s why I’m telling you this, so that if it does come true, I know it won’t be just coincidence.

The Saga Continues

Song currently playing: It’s da Gangsta N Me – Underground Beats

Ah, life is good.

Pagoda is making steps to put out our first EP, and guess who is signed up to do cover art. ;) (Wink) This is a fantastic opportunity, we’re debating whether to nail the old songs or write entirely new stuff for the EP. We’re also planning on putting together a full album, recorded in my room. This will be a challenge I’m definitely up for.

I got a second Moped, I was riding around last week and spotted a junker in the backyard of some house. It HAPPENED to be a Puch (Austrian made) and HAPPENED to be made the same year as mine. Feeling adventurous, I walked up the house, and knocked on the door. They guy wasn’t homes, so I left him a note, saying if he ever wanted to get rid of it, I’d be interested.
Well, in Sunday, he called, and said I could come over and get it anytime I wanted. He rode it when HE was in highschool, and wanted to give it to one of his kids, but they’re all grown now and not interested. I picked it up, and set to work on it. It really is a wreck, the back wheel is rusted permanently fast, I had to lift it up to move it.
It is excellent for parts, though, so that’s what I’m going to use it for.
I DID ride out to Carlisle yesterday (20 miles away) and my little bugger konked out on me. I pushed it for 6 miles, then stop and asked a local family if they might drive me home. They did, and I wheeled it down into the garage. I think the carburettor needs to be cleaned out; I’ll take a look at it tonight.

I talked more with ~kelticangel, and apparently she likes my prices. She’s going to chat with her group to see what they think. I really hope they approve, because that would mean that I might actually get a little more money for fall tuition.

Deja…

Last night I had a dream that was too real for me to handle. It took over my entire being, and engulfed me in a longing for that dream to simply be true.

It might be, given that 85% of my dreams turn into Deja Vu.

….unless I talk about them….

Last night, I dreamt Caroline walked up me, and pressed a note into my palm. IT was thick, many sheets folded many many times. It was scented, as her letters always had been. Not purposely, of course, that was just way she smelled.
I knew immediately it was a dream, not because of the emotion I was getting from her (I usually wake myself up from revulsion if I have dreams about her loving me) but because of mental imagery that kept flashing up.

A sequence kept playing over and over. We planted a small tree together, by a small brook. She rips it up, and walks off. I sob over the ruined tree for a while, and then lift it up and walk slowly away. She eventually returns and looks at the hole in the ground where the tiny tree once stood.

This played over and over; a dream within a dream.

I slid open the letter, and read the first few lines. It was heartfelt, not simple, not flippant. It was the Caroline I knew.
She looked deeply at me, and apologized. It was so strong, I almost forgave her immediatly. I couldn’t contain the emotion, turned away, and told her I would read it. She departed, leaving me clutching the letter.

Then I woke up.

I sat in the dim morning light, looking at my hands where moments before I had the letter that would have given the answers to all my turmloil. It was gone. I could still feel the paper on my fingers.

I could have at that point fallen back to sleep and began to read the letter. But I held back. I don’t want to live in a fantasy. All I wanted was real love.

The dream hit me so hard, I checked out some old poetry I had written for her.

A Walk through the Garden

Good afternoon Ladies & Germs,

Life is going rather well, save for my computer is absolutely refusing any type of help I’m trying to give it whatsoever. In my opinion, it needs a swift kick in the butt. Unfortunately, I was unable to locate it’s rear end. 😀 (Big Grin)

Consequently, I’ve been doing a lot more stuff off the computer. My moped is up and running, the tires pumped and the engine purring. I’m afraid the right pedal is running slightly off-center, but it doesn’t bother me much. She runs like a pony on caffeine, so I won’t trouble her too much. 🙂 (Smile)
The headlight is still out too, but I’m ordering a new one, and bought a regular bicycle light for the time being.

Was over at the Green House the past couple nights, and my first night I talked for a LONG time with Priscilla. I’d gotten to know her pretty well when she dated Paulo (my roommate last year). She is a very nice girl. Very smart, very deep feeling, and very friendly. She very pretty too. 🙂 (Smile)
Anyhow, we’d been friends before, but I randomly decided to visit the Green House after being sick of being stuck in my room with my computer. It’s a bit of a walk from the college, but it was beautiful out.
It was my first time visiting there, so I had a bit of a time figuring out which of the many entrances was theirs, but Dawn eventually arrived and showed me in. Priscilla had just got done practicing the violin, and let me have a go.
I failed miserably as I usually do on stringed instruments, but it broke the ice. She showed me around the land belonging to the Green House; the college owns a small vineyard, a garden, a pond, a stream, a small orchard and a lot of other space back there too. We went about, looking at the geese, and got some Bamboo, and she told me all about the place. Eventually it got dark and we headed back inside. WE talked for a while, and she told me more about her childhood. A rough time for her, poor kid. I spoke of mine too, but just as I was reaching the end, Hezeus & Jon showed up, and the moment evaporated. Ah well. I hate it when you’re talking at that depth and it’s gone in an instant.

Everyone is psyched about going to Hershey Park this Monday, and praying it won’t rain. Regina & Lalrem got back from NYC the day before yesterday, though I haven’t been able to spend time with them much.
I moseyed up to 3rd floor yesterday, but the only people I could find were Inya & Richard in Setti’s room. I hung out with them for a while, but after a bit all they ended up doing was zoning out on the tube. And the stuff that was on was garbage. 7th Heaven. Ugh. Could they put on a more retarded representation of parents?
I left when I absolutely could not stand it anymore and headed to the Green House. They were watching TV too, but Who’s Line is it Anyway? was on, which is one show I absolutely love. 🙂 (Smile)

I’ve been talking with her a lot. I’m a bit put off by her… She’s very abrupt for me, asking me to delve into deep details about my life without me knowing much about her. I don’t like doing that at all, and she kept insisting that it would be good for me. She sounded a lot like a therapist, bur I figured perhaps she merely needed a friend. After much going back and forth, she was getting me fairly frustrated (something that does not come frequently to me) and I was about to cut her off completely. She began telling me of her childhood, though, and thus I was able to figure out a little more of where she was coming from. I eventually decided she was being trustworthy enough, and told her a tiny bit about myself. We’ll see what comes of this.

In other news, I’m desperately beating off crushes; it’s seems almost natural for me to lapse into them. I fall in love to easily, I suppose. It’s not a bad thing to be a feeling person, but entertaining something I’m not sure is there can get me into trouble. I’m doing my best to stay away from such things for now, I’d rather concentrate on friendships.

Pin Hole Camera

Song currently playing: Total Eclipse of the Heart – Nikki French

*yawn*

me so tired. What did I do today? I got up, had breakfast, and went to class. Today we learned how to design pin-hole cameras. Very cool stuff. Me and my engineer mind dreamed up a couple new way of putting together the things, and by the end of the class, the prof. had revised a couple different ways he did things.

After class, went to work and worked with Jon, setting up Mac printing networks. The guy really opened up to me. Poor fellow, all he needed was a friend.

After that, worked on my van, and figured out what the devil was wrong with it, then rode my moped (wheeeeeeee!) all the way to Wal-Mart to buy some fuses. That was fun, it’s kind of a long trip.

After that, bopped around trying to get it to work, but with no avail. Gave up, and went up to Bittner 3rd & watched the last part of Count of Monte Cristo. That is an awesome movie.

Talked to my Dad again, this time about citizenship. Got to get that out to him by tomorrow.

I discovered the deviant shockwire. I think I may have found a very good friend.

Bittner 3rd

Song currently playing: Hook (The Lost Boy Chase) – John Williams

Oie. Still practicing being “unemotional”. Tough stuff to do for me. It’s hard to act indifferent towards a girl when deep inside you’re really really not. But the relationship is still too young.

Ah well. Practice makes perfect.

I spent the evening up on Bittner 3rd… “practicing” 😉 It was really nice, we watched Boiler Room. Cool movie. Very nice ending. We talked about it quite a bit afterwards. One of the girls tried braiding my hair (it didn’t work too well, it’s too silky) and I sorted pictures during commercials. It was really nice. I could have died on their livingroom floor.

The Moped is working beautifully, save the front headlight. I put Premium in it this morning. 😀 The little monster FLIES. 🙂
Still have to work on the van, but we’ve been just getting rain rain rain. Ah well, soon.