Becoming Me, Tears of Joy, Starting Days, Invisibility, and Contentment

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop, held online.

How have I become me? What am I like?

There are some fundamental things about myself that I have always believed as far back as I can remember. I have believed that kindness is important, that God was there, that gentleness is meaningful, that happiness is subjective and changeable (meaning that you can change your happiness by changing that is around you).

There were times in my childhood that were challenging and painful, but these beliefs kept me upright, and prevented me from capsizing.

I think these beliefs largely came from my parents, but were also reinforced by the elders around me, and from nature as I lived in it.

The pain and abuse I experienced then taught me to fight for those who didn’t have people fighting for them, because I didn’t always have someone fighting for me.

When was the last time you cried tears of joy? What made you cry?

I typically don’t cry during happy things, but I will if there’s something wonderful that happens after something tragic, or if someone says something about me that makes me melt.

I cried tears of joy when I got divorced. I cried when I fell in love again. I cried when I found out my house might be saved.

I think I cry less and less when people give me compliments. Not because those compliments mean less to me, but because I actually believe them. I used to cry because I didn’t feel worthy of them, and now I do.

How can I start my day with a more positive attitude?

This is something I’m working a lot on more. Sometimes, whether it’s because of the pandemic, or worries about the country, or a big project, or just me goofing off, I’ll get up late. And it really bothers me sometimes. I love sleep, but I feel like so much of the day is wasted if I get up at 10, 11, or noon, or even 1. I’ll feel this sense of panic; like I have to get to work right away because I am running late.

Instead, I’m purposefully forcing myself to still do my routines that I know put me in a good mindset. Praying, meditating, stretching, doing a quick workout, making a good breakfast.

Those things make me feel good and change the whole outlook of my day.

How would you spend your time if you turned invisible for a week?

I would definitely sneak into all kinds of places. I’d go through city and state governmental offices, and leak all kinds of information surrounding inequality. I’d go through big corporate offices and leak salary information to employees. I’d siphon money off billionaires and put it to work feeding the poor and housing the homeless. I’d sabotage immigration detention centres by causing chaos among the guards, and help people get free. I’d depose corrupt officials by leaking evidence of their dealings to the news. I’d shut down crime rings, and find the sources of drugs flowing into Baltimore city, and cut it out at the roots.

I think I would have trouble sleeping that week.

On a scale of 1-10 how content are you with your life? What can you do to change the things you don’t like?

I’m at an 8.5 right now. There are a few things that could be better; but most of them are around the pandemic. And that will pass. I’m content with my trajectory. I know I’m on the right path.

Share what you think with me.