Could I steal you from myself

Could I Steal You From Myself

June 19, 2003

Last night I had a dream that was too real for me to handle. It took over my entire being, and engulfed me in a longing for that dream to simply be true.

It might be, given that 85% of my dreams turn into Deja Vu.

….unless I talk about them….

Last night, I dreamt Caroline walked up me, and pressed a note into my palm. IT was thick, many sheets folded many many times. It was scented, as her letters always had been. Not purposely, of course, that was just way she smelled.
I knew immediately it was a dream, not because of the emotion I was getting from her (I usually wake myself up from revulsion if I have dreams about her loving me) but because of mental imagery that kept flashing up.

A sequence kept playing over and over. We planted a small tree together, by a small brook. She rips it up, and walks off. I sob over the ruined tree for a while, and then lift it up and walk slowly away. She eventually returns and looks at the hole in the ground where the tiny tree once stood.

This played over and over; a dream within a dream.

I slid open the letter, and read the first few lines. It was heartfelt, not simple, not flippant. It was the Caroline I knew.
She looked deeply at me, and apologized. It was so strong, I almost forgave her immediatly. I couldn’t contain the emotion, turned away, and told her I would read it. She departed, leaving me clutching the letter.

Then I woke up.

I sat in the dim morning light, looking at my hands where moments before I had the letter that would have given the answers to all my turmloil. It was gone. I could still feel the paper on my fingers.

I could have at that point fallen back to sleep and began to read the letter. But I held back. I don’t want to live in a fantasy. All I wanted was real love.

The dream hit me so hard, I checked out some old poetry I had written for her.

Under the sparkling bridge
I wondered to the stars
Could I steal you from myself?
Could I really go that far?

What if I could meet you all over again
See you from a distance and move to be your friend
Begin a relationship with the hopes of never end
And then give as much love as I have within me to spend.

What if I could see your eyes for the first time filled with joy once again
When I told you it was only you that I adored
And what if I could see your smile brand new again
The first time I ran ahead and caught the door

What if I could taste the first kiss on your cheek again
And look into you eyes during a starry night hoping it would never end
What if I could receive once more the letters that you the first time send
What if I could find all over, my first found, best found, always friend.

I love you enough to steal you away
From myself so I could love you all over again
And if I could have my own way,
I would keep you happy and each moment would never end

But now when I look into your eyes
And I hear the sound of your voice
And how all the little moments added up to this

And how each hug grew stronger, each short moment grew longer, And I realize that this is something that I could not miss

Because the present is more beautiful than anything in the past
And if God is willing the future is more beautiful still and creates something that lasts

So live in the present
And remember times recorded above
And hope for the future
And You I will always Love.

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