Author: benjancewicz

Mood: .: Sunbeam Inside :.
Listening to: .: India.Arie – Voyage to India CD :.
Reading: .: Don’t Believe the Hype – Farai Chideya :.
Watching: .: The Colour Purple :.

Aloha!

I had a pretty cool weekend.

Christian VanGorder was a former professor at Messiah College.
Sherki was my instructor for Hip Hop practice, and she was busy this weekend, so she was unable to babysit Dr. VanGorder’s kids. She knew I loved kids, and so she asked me if I wanted to make a little extra cash.

I said sure, and so that’s where I was the whole weekend.
Their kids are really really cool. The littlest, Mikey, is about 5 and is the most hilarious little kid you’ve ever met. If you’ve seen “Corrina Corrina”, he’s just like the little nephew of Corrina.
Keegan, the girl of the family is about… 9 I think… and laughs at absolutely everything. We watched cartoons all Saturday morning, and she almost fell on the floor laughing!
Brandon is about 11 and is the most wily prankster I think I’ve met. He’s also a comedian, and is constantly fooling around. You can’t help but laugh at them.
Patrick, the eldest, however, is about 16 and is too cool for everything. I stayed out of his way, and he stayed out of mine.

They’re all (save for Pat) really responsible kids, though. They didn’t object when I had them do a few chores and clean up. Well behaved. We had such fun, too. Played Monopoly (I’m still in my 5 year without loosing streak), Spy, Othello, and played soccer outside… all kinds of stuff.

I loved cooking for them too, I had free reign of the kitchen, and so made up all kinds of dinners. We also order Chinese and Pizza too. I had a blast.

Oh!

And Friday Night, before I left, I watched “The Colour Purple” with INYA. 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀
That movie is awesome. It’s Inya’s favorite movie, I think. Whoopi and Oprah BOTH deserve academy awards for their work in that. To say nothing of Spielberg’s absolutely fantastic cinematography. Any man who can make “An American Tail”, “ET”, “Schindler’s List” AND ” The Colour Purple” has to be the best best BEST director ever.
Anyways. That film made me cry, several times. I don’t think Inya noticed, though, because I hid it pretty well.
But it was cool.

Interesting thing was… she walked over here.
It is freezing outside. Cuts-you-like-a-knife freezing, your-face-can’t-move-for-half-an-hour freezing.
Inya is Nigerian.
She hates the cold.
And she walked over here.

…and I over exaggerate-anyways–
My phone was engaged ’cause Fred my roomie was talking on it, and we had talked about watching it before, so maybe that’s why.
In any case, this was right after Bible Study, so naturally the house was full of people. I asked her if she wanted to watch it here or at her place. I thought she might like a little privacy, since she had said before that sometimes she worried about what other people might think of us hanging out together.
She said no, and that she’d like to watch it here.

We went downstairs and began watching it.
A short while later Agaba came down wanting to watch “The Amistad”. She had wanted to watch it with me, but I hadn’t committed because I knew it might have been a possibility that I’d finally see “The Colour Purple” with Inya. Inya basically shooed her out, telling her to watch it somewhere else.

Randomly people came down to see what we were up to, but didn’t stay much. Richard, of course, tried to be a punk and bugged the heck out of us. I chased him away several times after he seriously disrespected Inya (he touched her HAIR).
I would have knocked his block off, but once I got him out the door I returned because I figured he wasn’t worth it, and I didn’t want to miss the movie.

It was so nice. I walked her home afterward.
And, I found I was able to control myself fine. I didn’t over exaggerate things, and left it as a friendship. I’m quite proud of myself, seeing as how strong the feelings are. I feel comfortable around her.

Anyways, I called her when I got home tonight and we talked for a while.
She was all worn out, and on her last threads. She had studied for Intro to Acting all weekend long, practically non-stop and was really sick of it. She was pretty tense, and worry a lot about getting older (she just turned 20).
I let her talk for a while, and listened to her. She was pretty beat. I was able to calm her down a bit, though, and help her not to worry. I dunno. I feel so protective of her. It’s a privilege she doesn’t give to anyone else… she trusts me.
I value that so much.

I wrote a lot over the weekend, but I think it’s too personal for now, so most of you won’t hear it. Sto, if you’re reading this, I might have you edit some of my poems if you don’t mind.

Here’s to a good week ahead!

Mood: Sunbeam Inside
Listening to: Besaid Island – FF Piano

Aloha!

So, the semester has started.
And we’re still good friends.
Okay, it might not be love, but the bond is very strong. I don’t know what it is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything this strong between two people. Especially not ones my age, anyways.
We’ve been talking a bit about the bounds of the relationship, but every time we talk we come to some sort of agreeing conclusion, and the next time we see each other, we’re still comfortable around one another.
AS MUCH as this is what I’d want for the perfect love, she does not feel it…
…and so I’m willing to let it go…

…and I am.

The night before last, we had talked on the phone, and she said she thought we needed to spend less time around each other. Inya’s closest friend was coming the next day, and she wanted to spend time with her before she took off for England. I said I understood.

Yesterday we met up in Chapel, and she seemed kind of down. She said she was tired, and we walked back to Climenhaga together since we both have class there.

Lisa invites me every day to go to lunch. She’s in my Figure Drawing class, and she has more than enough meals on her card for the semester, so I eat with her.
Inya appeared right behind us in line at the door, but since Lisa’s a little shorter and Inya’s 6’3″ like me, she didn’t see her. I smiled at her, and asked her softly if she wanted to eat with us. The lunchroom was packed, and it was going to be hard finding seats. She shook her head and said no. She still seemed down. I wasn’t sure if it was still being tired, or if was something else; but I got worried.

We split up to get seats, then got our trays to get food. This time I ended up in line behind Inya, and so I asked her if everything was alright. She said she was just tired and didn’t feel like socializing with people much, especially people she didn’t know too well. I smiled and said that was fine, then we both disappeared into the crowd for lunch.

I could tell she was tired. She sat on the far side of the cafeteria, near the wall with a few international kids. And I could tell. It drove me nuts. I didn’t want to leave Lisa, because it’s the only way I’m able to eat lunch every day since I’m taking 2 J-Term classes… but I felt so … protective. I wanted to be near Inya, if only to sit at the same table just to make sure she’s alright.
I always feel that to some degree when I’m around someone I care about. It’s not an active thing, especially not one that one would find stifling, but it gives me a peace of mind if I can at least read them to make sure (as far as it concerns me) they’re ok.
I wasn’t able to, and it was driving me mad.
Of course, I naturally blew it out of proportion. She had told me she was tired, and this was obvious, but I also entertained worries that it might also be that she was attempting to spend less time together.

I thought the rest of the day about that. Caroline had suggested the same thing when we had first started going out, for fear that we were moving too fast, and we needed to be friends longer in order to control ourselves.
And it had backfired. We started taking on too much of the burden to keep from tempting the other, and then when we did let down our barriers, the torrent of passion was almost beyond what we could handle.

I didn’t want this to happen again. I knew the biggest problem was a lack of trust with Caroline; we didn’t trust each other enough to be comfortable around each other. I made up my mind to tell Inya.

I went to Pagoda practice after class. We spent a lot of time messing around, then a lot of time practicing our old songs. I got really tired of it. Probably due to thinking so much, but I also was tired of all the depressing and angry songs we had. I’m either romantically sad or insanely happy. I don’t do anger very well, nor depressions. I don’t see much point in listening to that kind of music unless it is really interesting musically (Linkin Park’s Reanimation) because I’m affected by the music I hear.
In any case, I got through it and I wrote a brand new part to Shame Shame. I hope I remember it.

When I got home, I found a message on my machine. 🙂
I called her back, and we talked for a couple hours. She told me how Renee, her closest friend, had miserably stood her up. It wasn’t pretty. She really needed to talk about it, and we talked about all kinds of stuff. It made me feel good, just to know she was feeling better. Eventually we talked of some deeper stuff, and I asked her to simply trust me. She said she never trusted anyone completely, but she understood what I was trying to say. I also asked her to promise me one thing, and I would be ok.
I asked that if she ever felt anything towards me, that she would tell me. She said she would.

If I know that, I’m ok.
She asked that I not just wait around for her, and I won’t.
It will take a while to slowly subside, though. It will take time and energy simply because it’s so deep. But I have no doubts I can do it, and I know she’s happy.
And so I’m happy. 🙂
As long as I know that, nothing else matters.

I feel like I have a sunbeam inside me. No matter what I do, it never goes away…

Song playing: Smile – Nat King Cole

Aloha..
..

We’re still best friends.

I guess I’m still confused, and a little hurt.
But I’m ok.
I am happy.

I love her enough to be her friend until she might fall in love with me.
I don’t know it will ever happen.
We might each find someone else.
But I don’t know. I still like her.
I’m toning myself down.
I’m not going to be the nut in love, and I’m going to be her friend.
She pointed out that the biggest problem was the inequality.
She wasn’t getting the same thing out of the time we spent together that I was, and I knew it. I was acting like a leech, blowing the simplest touch into something else in my head.
I can’t help it.
I’m the eternal optimist, I see things as exaggeratedly beautiful.
I’m not going to lose that. But I am going to be more tactful in how I react.
She needs to feel comfortable around me, and not scared to do anything a normal friend would do.

I want to be her best friend. I said it before, I don’t ever want to loose that.
And if it makes her happy, I can do that.

She’s right.
Even though I might not say it, I do want someone to love me unconditionally. Totally and completely in love with me. The cuteness, the playfulness, the love-you-till-you-die, the whole bit. She knows me better than I do.
And right now, she wants to play. She’s still young, she’s not looking for that kind of commitment.

Who knows. Maybe this is what I was supposed to learn. Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone else.

But when I fall in love; it’s completely. It’s BOOM. I’m gone.
so it’s very hard to pull out. But I can.

We’ll see what happens next.

Classes start tomorrow.

I called her tonight.
Dang, I haven’t talked about any formal stuff in a while.
We played a bunch of games at Rafiki tonight, and she was out so I left her a message on her phone.
Games wasn’t much fun, so I played piano and sang with Justin.
Got done with that and gave her a call.
She didn’t seem to be doing to well, and it sounded serious. T’wasn’t me, but I felt bad for her. She sounded really blown out.
I think I’m going to send her a card tomorrow.

Anyhow.
I’m ok.
I’m mellow by myself, and absurdly wild to cover it up when I’m with others.
Normal.

Toooooooo many thoughts all going on at once.
I am barely able to keep hold of myself, and no, it’s not good.

After a very long trip, I made it home… at 6, or thereabouts.

The first thing I did was to check my mail.
The second thing I did was to go visit Inya.
The third thing I did was write this journal.

We talked a long time. About very deep stuff.
My head is reeling
My heart is aching
I don’t trust … anyone at this point.

There … just … isn’t the spark for her.
And that’s it.
That’s the wrench thrown into the gears.
That’s what’s blowing me apart.
That’s what’s going to make mon oreiller saline.

And yet; what I said holds true.
I’d be willing to give it up if she didn’t feel it.
I’d be willing to wait to see if she felt it.
I’d be willing to be hurt.

…it hurts…

Song Playing: Moments from Morning – William C Koehler
If you like George Winston or any of the Final Fantasy soundtracks, check this guy out.

Aloha…

Everything is foggy, a forgotten mist over everything…

The night before last I dreamt of Inya.
It wasn’t the first time I have, but it was the most vivid.
It was extremely long, too. it felt like the whole night. I woke up once and got a drink, then fell right back into the dream.
As vivid as it was, though, I don’t remember exactly what is was about. We were in some sort of… factory. It looks like one of those giant places from the 1950’s that had been converted into apartments. It was nice.
She was with me; and… I’m not sure.
We were working together against something. I don’t know what. But we were together. I don’t know how do describe the feeling. It wasn’t like anything I’d felt from anyone before. It wasn’t simply physical closeness… though that was there. There was an underlying feeling to it as well. I would call it a partnership. A bond. I don’t know.

We’ve been writing each other almost every day, sometimes twice.
She hasn’t written to me yesterday or today, though.
I… don’t feel at a loss.
I’m not sure. I don’t feel like I’m lost, as I did when… when Caroline… when I wouldn’t hear from Caroline.
I’m worried about her, but I’m worried that she’s ok and not that she’s not writing me.
A security, I guess. I’m not afraid to lose this… I… trust that it will work out for the better somehow, no matter what happens.

I’ve never wanted a relationship to work out as much as I want this one to, but I’ve also never felt this much peace about it either.

Nothing has happened, and I know the empty e-mail box means nothing. I’ve got more than I expected anyhow. But it’s helped me to realize that I’m ok.

Today is my last day here. Tomorrow I get on the train and bid my parents farewell, and by 3 o’clock in the afternoon, I’ll be in Harrisburg. I’m excited. I’m like a little kid, I really can’t wait to see her.

I think I may go out and walk in the mist… sometimes it’s ok to not know…

Song playing: Ay-Yo – Scratch Track

Aloha!

I do not know how the devil she did it, but she did.
I had written to her just before my run, and then again when I came back quickly to tell her I had been back.

Her reply was short, but it made me feel a million times better. The run definitely helped, but she brought the rest of it back around.
I feel… good.

She raised a bunch of questions, marking that there would be no changing my whiteness, and also pointing out that someday I would have half white kids. And that they would look to me as a role model for half of who they are.

This caught me completely off guard. I had no idea what to say to this.

You see, inside me, I do not feel white. Everything that the culture stands for, everything that stereotypes the Caucasian race; I don’t fit with. At least not internally. I don’t feel white. Inside me is a Native American boy raised on a reservation ghetto.
I need to think about it a lot more, but she’s helping me come to grips with it. I need to talk to God about it. I think like a Naskapi, but look like a whiteman.

Perhaps my seeing the white race from an outsiders perspective will help.
The problems this country and many others have with race is far from over; and anyone who thinks they are are fooling themselves.
Anyone who thinks that things are alright hasn’t seen the other side. I’ve lived on the other side of the line between whites and Native Americans. I’m learning more and more about the problems that face the minorities of this country today.

I really can’t wait to be back to campus.

Song playing in my head: Have I Told You Lately that I Love You

I’m afraid. Afraid of myself. I think perhaps the love I have is more than even I can handle. I doubt anyone else could accept it.

I want to be held. To hold someone. To have someone tell me they love me so much. I need more than an internet :hug:. More than the hug from a parent. More than a hug from a friend. More than anything else I’ve ever felt. I need to be loved.

I need a release for passion. I need someone likes the attention. I need someone who likes me for me, and who I can be. I need this because I know I can give it in return.

The stars played games with me tonight. Deep grey clouds thundered over the sky. We had rain today, and the aftermath of the storm sent icy winds whipping.
It’s 12 midnight. I went out for a run. I could barely see the stars…

Orion has been following me around. Every night since Inya and I have been getting close, no matter where I am, no matter what time it is; I look up and I see Orion in the sky. Orion means a lot to me, God led me out of the wilderness with it once.
But it’s getting spooky. As unsure as I am that this thing between me and her might work, I keep getting reassured.

But I want to be loved!
I hate this stupid break. I hate not being able to talk to her. I hate the fact that I took years to figure out what true love is and how to express it and then nobody really wants it! I hate the fact that I’m white! I hate how it makes people see me differently, and make judgments on how I think. I hate being a member of a privileged race. I hate that being an obstacle between us…
I hate it when I’m like this.

I just want to be loved…
So much hate… so much love…

*sob*

Aloha!

Music Playing: And then I Kissed Him – Hans Zimmer

Things have been… interesting. But I still feel a calm in the middle of the storm.

Yesterday I went to my Uncle Jim’s with my family. Of course, he kept trying to one-up everyone. It seems he’s always trying to prove himself better. He’s the oldest son, for crying out loud! It was weird, of course, because no one knew who I was like. His brother in law was there, however, with his wife from Sweden. They were VERY cool to talk to.
I drew my grandfather. I did a pretty good job, but I stretched it out a bit because my sketchpad was flat. I’ll have to distort it later to get it to the right proportions. He liked it, though. 🙂
I got a very warm fleece from them.
Dad read us the Christmas story when we got home, and we just sat around the tree and talked a while. It was really nice.

This morning we opened our presents. I got lots of cool stuff, but not the one thing I asked for. All I wanted was a camera. But my parents aren’t doing so well financially, so I knew it was ok. I got the coolest glasses case form my brother. It flips in half both ways, but never comes apart. From my sister I got a beautiful dragon necklace. I also got a book on the making of Disney’s Fantasia and a book on the graphic design of the logo cartoon characters of the early 30’s and 40’s.

Inya and I have been writing e-mails back and forth every day. She seems to be having a very very rough time, I think mostly with figuring out her own feelings. She was being brutally hard on herself, and it pained me to see her do that.
She asked me if I was falling in love with her.

I said yes.

I knew I was. I had been. I had just been afraid. I wasn’t sure if she was falling in love with me. And I was afraid that I might be lining myself up to be hurt once again.
But finally I decided it didn’t matter. That what I felt was stronger than that.
I wrote back to her Christmas Eve, doing my best in comforting her. I told her how I really felt. I didn’t know what it might change, but I knew I had to be honest with her…

I did not sleep that night. All night long I worried about her, that she simply would be alright. I prayed that dreams might come. Any dreams. But nothing came.

She wrote back to me with a series of questions on Christmas Day. They were pointed, asking what I was looking for in a relationship. Where I would go after I graduated. What my goals in life were.
I was sitting at my computer when I got it, but when I read them, I knew I was going to need some time to think.

I quietly slipped on my sneakers and snuck out of the house.
I ran. As fast as I could.
I didn’t realize how out of shape I was. I decided I needed to run more.
I knew that deciding to run wouldn’t be enough, so I ran until I couldn’t run anymore and then kept walking.
And I explored. I found an ancient brook hidden away in the forest. It was happy, bubbling. A series of waterfalls crashed through it, and there was a small island with a big rock in the middle of it. I climbed and swung all around it. A dam had apparently been built there a couple hundred years ago, but it had since fallen apart.
I discovered a giant cement oil tank on the side of the road that was about 3 stories high. I climbed to the top of it.
I discovered a lean to hide out camouflaged in the forest, with supplies and tools hidden in it. There was a newspaper in it, the date read Feb. 2003.
I found a graveyard full of VW beetles. 6 or 7 of them looked like they had been dumped there and then the forest had grown in around them. Their bodies were rusted hulks, and they looked sad… neglected… I felt bad for them.
And I thought. Furiously.

I came back 2 hours later.

My mother was worried, of course. She told me to let her know if I was leaving the house again.
I guess she forgot how often I used to go off into the forest alone when I was at home…

I spent the afternoon writing back, and then just before I got done, my grandparents came over for Christmas Dinner. It was good to see them again, and they gave each of us 100$!!!! I was shocked. I’d never gotten that much money from anyone.
My dad hinted that we might go out and look at pawn shops for cameras tomorrow.

Finally, when they left, I finished up the letter.
I answered all her questions as best as I was able.

And I asked her some of my own.

I asked her if she was falling in love with me.

Song playing: The Notic – The Roots feat. D’Angelo

Aloha!

Man, to recount the events of the last couple days…
What a task at hand.
When I don’t have finals, I should make it a duty to submit a journal at least once every two days. Otherwise tons of events just pile up.

Monday:
I was restless. I wasn’t having a particularly good day. I had gone down for my Ceramics final and found out someone had gone overtime and my final had been postponed until the next day.
It irked me a bit, because I didn’t know about it ahead of time, but resolved that it would make my crit better and I’ve have more pieces out of the kiln.
It got me restless the rest of the day, though, especially when I tried to go home and work on my Graphics final.
I roamed campus for a while. For some reason, I knew it wasn’t healthy for me. I was pining. About Inya. I only wanted to see her, and I knew even if I had the smallest glimpse, it would make me feel worlds better. She has that kind of effect on me sometimes. And as much as I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling.
My wanderings led me to her room.
She wasn’t there. I couldn’t figure it out. I knew she should have been studying, and couldn’t imagine where I might be. Finally, I gave up and resolved to just GO HOME and get some work done.
On my way out of the building, I saw Menkeh (who lives on Inya’s floor) and she asked me if I had seen Inya. I said no, and that she wasn’t in her room because I was just there.
I walked sadly home. Hope was at Rafiki house, and suddenly it came to me. She had mentioned something about her, Inya, and Idiki going out to eat. Hope said they had just gotten back.
I threw my coat on and went out again.
I went to Inya’s room, and of course, she was there.
We sat and talked for hours. 🙂 I worked on her computer a little bit, and signed her up for the Boondocks comic online. She mentioned in passing how if she had the money she would go and buy the entire Boondocks set of books. I smiled inside.
She introduced me to the site she usually visits; Nappturality. She had a post on there about the best wedding songs, and asked me if I would make her a CD. I said sure.

Tuesday:
Inya had decided she wasn’t quite ready for the exam she was to take the exam she was going to take Tuesday morning, and e-mailed her professor. He said it was perfectly fine with her taking it the next time slot on Wednesday. She studied all day, then. I had my Museum studies final, which I did well on, and later that day had my Ceramics final, which I think I did ok on. I’m not the most fantastic potter. It’s ok, though.
When I got home, I mixed Inya’s Wedding Song CD for her, and added on a couple songs on the end. I put a lot of time into placing the songs, and checked on Nappturality and found out what Inya’s picks on songs were.
I gave her a call later that evening, and asked if I could see her for a little bit to “give her something”. I went over, and she came out with a box of cookies and offered me a few. Abigail had given her a box of delicacy cookies. Inya had been out all day; and to my shock, she had been with Kanke. Kanke is a good friend of mine, and hasn’t been doing entirely well. She had gone in for surgery that day, and Inya had gone for support.
Consequently, she hadn’t done any studying for her final. So, I gave her the CD on the condition that it help and not inhibit her studying. She smiled and bid me goodnight.

Wednesday:
Right.
Inya’s birthday was on Friday, but I wasn’t able to acquire a car on that day, and so devised an elaborate scheme to cook dinner for her. I borrowed Hope’s car and went to get some groceries.
Wednesday was Inya’s last day of finals. She loves to read, and mentioned in passing that one of the most relaxing things for her is to simply go to a bookstore and just read the afternoon away. I must confess; I love to do that as well, and used to do it all the time when my van was running. So, I told her I’d take her, just to meet at 4 after she got out of work, and go. I borrowed Hope’s car, and picked her up. We went to the Barnes & Nobles in camp hill. We wandered around a bit. I was a little disoriented at first because I’m used to the Borders across from the mall, and suddenly realized she was following my lead and that we were head straight for the comic book section. The comic book section I knew had a supply of Boondocks books. I steered us out of the way and headed to the Biography and Social Sciences section.
I had realized after talking to her that all though I knew a great deal about the Consciousness Movement (look it up at Wikipedia.com if you don’t know) most of what I knew was from Western Writings. So, at the risk of looking like someone who was simply reading up “his girl’s culture”, I asked her what books she had found to be best.
I felt a little awkward… because while it was something I was already interested in, it looked
(all intents aside) like I was following her around. I decided I didn’t care how it looked, however, and that if anyone asked, I would tell them the truth.
Anyways, when we finally took our seat in the cafe; I had a stack of books ranging in topics from graffiti art to an anthology of the writings of the Black Panthers. We sat their for hours, scarcely speaking a word the entire time, except to comment on the antics of other people in the cafe. It was nice. I stole occasional glances up at her. It was so warm being there with her.
Afterwards, we drove home, and I asked her if she was hungry. I would have taken her to to Bangkok House if she had said but the word, but she looked at me and smiled and said “Burger King. I want Burger King.” I grinned and got us there. I knew it didn’t matter to me; it was the company not the place. I was just glad she didn’t mind either place.

Thursday:
I went with Saxton to Echoes Recording on Thursday, we left at around 10 and got back around 3. We got the piano track for “Of things to come” down, and in MIDI so Todd could remaster it and change the sound any way he saw fit for a richer Baby Grand sound. Saxton was sleepy, so I drove the Crusader all the way there and back. I did have a rather violent connection with a guardrail at one point, however, when I attempted to dodge a chunk of blowout tire on the highway. Fortunately, I was able to recover fine, but not before drawing a nice long scrap across Saxton’s car. He was very nice about it, and said it didn’t matter, but I still felt bad.
When we got back, I found 5 messages on my phone, 2 from Inya. 🙂 I hadn’t expected the journey to Echoes to take quite that long, and hoped to be back in time to meet her after her final but we had run into traffic on the way back.
A bunch of ISA kids had planned a trip to see Lord of the Rings for Thursday night. I said I’d go, but wasn’t sure if Inya wanted to go. So, I told them I would contact Inya. I wasn’t able to get a hold of her, unfortunately, and so by the time I got back I found a message from Inya saying she had somehow found out that “I wouldn’t go unless she went” and said she wanted to go. I realized this was mostly true. I called her back and left her a message; telling her I was basically guilty as charged. She’s a lot fun to watch movies with, so I told her and asked her if she would come and give me a call back. I got off the phone, and Idiki called. Her computer was acting up and asked if I could fix it.
I said sure, and told her to bring it over. She made her way over. Saxton was asleep on the couch because we had practice later that night. I had left my keyboard out in the car, and went outside to get it. Bethany pulls up, asking if I was going to the movie, and if so, to get her my ID. I ran in the house to get it. When I came out again, Hope pulled up with Inya and a couple other girls on their way out somewhere. Hope yelled they’d be back for the movie. Idiki ran up, handed me the laptop, and the bounced into the car with them. Everyone in the car yelled at me asking me where I’d been all day, and I told them I’d been recording. Inya stuck her tongue out at me, obviously miffed I hadn’t let her know, and then flashed me a smile as they drove off.
I stood there in the dark; my keyboard slung over my shoulder, by breath hanging in the air in a mist.
Pagoda had practice later that night. We basically argued about different things. We have much more fun when we’re making music.
We got out at 9, and I went back to the house.
Inya and Idiki were watching The Colour Purple in the living room, and immediately captivated, I sprawled out on the floor and watched it with them.
During a break, I asked Inya if she had gotten my message. She smiled and nodded.
Everyone arrived at around 9:45, and we took off for the movie. I originally opened the door to get in Bethany’s car, but then changed my mind and decided to go with Heather. Inya joined me. It caught me curious… I wasn’t sure if she had switched to sit with me or not.
We got there, and hit a blast of cold air. Inya had told me a story about how she, Victoria and Idiki had been walking between Frey and Kline at school (deemed the “wind tunnel” by the students because of the strong winds that rush between the two) and Victoria had commented that every girl deserved a strong man to hold on to just to make it through that spot.
Facing the wind outside the theatre, Inya remarked simply that Victoria was right. I laughed and put my arm around her.
The movie was spectacular.
Inya sat on my right. I know I don’t need to repeat to those of you who read this regularly that I love watching movies with her. It’s nice. Our elbows just barely touch, close enough to feel the warmth of the other, close enough to say something and know no one else can hear it.
The movie was long, and we ended up driving back quite late.
Inya put her head on my shoulder, and took a nap. Her hair is so soft… I’d never gotten the chance to really feel it; but it’s so soft. She had it in braids pulled back, and it was like a soft pillow under my cheek.

Friday:
Friday was Inya’s birthday.
We both went to work for a while. Sam Samande was supposedly spending the break at my house, and rather than run into him and have some explaining to do, Inya and I agreed it would be better to cook over at Setti’s apartment; where Inya would be staying until we left Saturday. My boss was not at work, so I worked for a while on my own, then went to clean the ceramics lab and transport the remainder of my pots back to my room. I was walking back to my bosses’ office to check up on her again when I saw something. Someone. Someone I did not need to see.
It was her.
I had just left the Rafiki House, walking up the hill towards the speed bump at the top outside the Beck’s house. And there she came.
I wore simple outfit. My jeans which actually fit me well. A pair of SAOs of leather which matched my brown leather jacket. I was smooth shaved save for a goatee and sideburns, a remark yesterday from Inya asking if I would shave. I wore a white t-shirt under a blue striped shirt. The striped shirt Inya had commented on months ago, to my surprise, since it had been picked from a rack at Salvation Army, like most of my clothes. The wind blew my hair, tousled slightly, brushed slightly, the scent I wore of Georgio Armani’s “Gio” washing the sky.
And she came.
It was simply a little silver Honda, crawling it’s way up College Ave, it’s windows almost impermeable to my site. It drew closer, it’s windows less opaque. It cruised effortlessly over the bump.
It was her.
Caroline sat on the passenger side, her father drove. I had known her father well. He recognized me immediately. He smiled. He mouthed the words “Hey, it’s Ben!”. He waved as they passed, leaving me stunned where I stood. I did not need to see her. I didn’t even see the expression on her face; do not know even if she saw me.
I continued dazedly to ITS. Of course my boss was not there.
I returned to the house.
Jason, her brother, was not in the car. They had come to pick him up to take him to Maryland for Christmas.
I sat on the couch in the living room, staring into the sunset; trying to organize my thoughts.
I felt as I had felt when I had journeyed back to Kawawa last Christmas and had chanced upon the house of my former crush. Who now had 3 kids. The feelings were comparable.
I was no longer romantically in love with Caroline. I realized I did not long for her anymore. Even the absence of her reply to my letter did not bother me. It meant the absence of her friendship, and this did not bother me. I had done my best, and she had made her decision.
And yet, seeing her was like seeing Stella. It sent a knife into me at a healed scar, bent an ancient wound into the one angle where it would feel pain again.
I sat on the couch in shock all afternoon. 2 o’clock I had sat there. At 3:30, the silver car made its way up the road, and turned in next door to our mutual friend Mary Long, an elderly lady. I saw them sit in the car for a short bit, and then get out.
Agtur came up to me several times, jumping on the couch and asking what I was up to. I ignored him; not saying a word.
At 5:30, they got in the car and left. I don’t know if they saw me sitting on the couch or not. Caroline drove the way back, and again she was on the opposite side of the car to my position.
5:30. I got up. My bones creaked. I growled and shook away the stiffness. I paced. It was still half an hour until I was to meet Inya in the apartment.
The phone rang. I dashed. It was Inya.
She asked me what I was up to. I said absolutely nothing. She smiled and asked if I was ready to come over. I asked if she was hungry yet. She said not quite. She said I could come over ANYWAYS, if I wanted. I gladly agreed.
I packed up all the cooking things. She mentioned she had never seen Pirates of the Caribbean. I brought over the DVD.

I got there; and she beamed. Nothing could have made me feel better. I cooked up a storm. Oven baked fried chicken, fresh green beans in garlic sauce, baking powder biscuits made from scratch, and baked potatoes. We talked. She sat on the couch for a while, then joined me at the table while I mixed and rolled the biscuits.
She asked me what I had been doing all afternoon, and I told her. I told her the story of Stella, to help her understand how I felt. She comforted me. And then she got my mind off of it.

We watched a movie starring Whoopi Goldberg called “Corrina, Corrina”. It’s a very very good movie. And could have been slightly pointed… but it might also be my imagination.
I think she really liked the movie.
After the movie, I gave her her gifts. I gave her a bowl I had made in ceramics. It was by far my most beautiful bowl, blue with moonlighting on the inside. The foot was not carved, though. And though beautiful, was symbolically unfinished. I also gave her a Boondocks comic book. The others had not yet arrived, even though I had ordered them 4 weeks ago. She was floored, never expecting me to have listened to something she had only mentioned in passing. I had actually begun reading them even before she had mentioned them; and wondered if she knew of them. I also wrote her a poem which I gave to her in a card I made for her. She said she really really like the poem.

I ran back to Rafiki and picked up the DVD player, and we then watched Pirates of the Carribean. The couch was soft, and I rested my head on a pillow next to her. The movie ended, and we just talked. She played with my hair a bit. I love it when people do that. She asked me what scent I was wearing. She said my hair was ridiculously soft. Very wild; she said she liked it that way.
She talked about how Setti had accused her of giving out “church hugs”, which is basically a hug with as little body contact as possible. I remarked I didn’t recall her ever giving me a hug like that. Inya said she had been offended because she hugged very few people. Very very few people. I smiled and said I was happy to be one of those very few.

Inya had been scheduled to take the same train with me for the first leg of my trip on Saturday, but had heard word that Kanke needed someone to stay with her while she recovered from the surgery, and had decided to stay. It was very noble of her to change her plans at such short notice (that day!) and to sacrifice her vacation to Philly for friend. She said she would come with me and Hope Saturday morning anyways, to get her ticket reimbursed.

It was late. I gave her a hug Canadian style (I like big hugs). She commented with a smile that this was no church hug. 🙂 I bid her goodnight. I sang all the way home.

Saturday:
Saturday morning, Fred woke me up. I had missed my alarm, so I scrambled, took a shower, and threw on my clothes. I had packed everything the night before. Inya and Hope showed up. Inya had her bag! Apparently, she had called around to figure out how and when she was supposed to help Kanke out, and had found out Abigail was going to take care of her. So, Inya called her uncle in Philly back and told him she was coming after all.
Selfishly, I was pleasantly surprised. We made it there on time, meeting Fred there, and hopping on the train. The passage from Harrisburg to Philly wasn’t crowded at all, and Inya and I got a quad seat together. We read our books together for a while. I had picked out “The Mis-Education of the Negro” by Woodston to read, and amusingly enough; so had she. We read in silence for a while, and she began to grow sleepy. I offered my shoulder, and she said she was uncomfortable sleeping around strange people. I told her I would stay awake if she would. She accepted my shoulder, and said it wouldn’t matter anyways since she wouldn’t fall asleep.
She promptly fell asleep. (I could tell, because her hand twitched slightly)
She woke up a short while later and I smiled at her. We talked the rest of the way to Philly.
We finally got to Philly station and I gave her a hug and wished her Merry Christmas, then ran to get in the giant line heading in the New York direction.
Fred joined me, and got me a bottle of water while I watched his bags. The train was jammed packed, but Fred and I got seats across a row form each other. Fred’s seatmate got up for the second stop the train made, and remarked that he could probably sell his seat. He walked to the front of the train, and welcomed a black lady to the now vacant seat.
Fred and I glanced at each other, smiled, and got up. We offered two young ladies our seats and resigned ourselves to sitting on the floor in the front of the car. This actually turned out to be more comfortable anyways.
Fred got off at the NYC stop, and the bulk of the train emptied out. I took a seat, and sat next to a fellow I later learned his name was Coco.
Coco had started up a theological discussion with the girl across the aisle from him. I began to interject and help her out a bit; she being a non-denominational Christian and Coco being from a Catholic background; being mostly Filipino. The girl later got off, and I discovered that not only was Coco getting off at the same stop I was, he also was heading towards the same town my grandparents lived, for his grandmother lived there. He was eager to learn the differences between the Catholic and non-denominational faiths, and I was able to clear up a lot of things for him, encouraging to read up on some of the things on his own.

We parted in New London, and I saw him off.
My parents picked me up, and we went to a Christmas Party at my aunt Jo’s.

Sunday:
We went to Church Sunday, and I got to see leagues of people I semi-knew. Being missionaries, I knew very few of the people from my parents home church, though through newsletters and the like; they all knew me.
That night we went to the Cantata put on by the church, bringing my sisters boyfriend Barrett. Barrett is in the process of being interrogated by my parents. I got to know him, he seems like a very nice kid. A little sarcastic at times, but nice. I mentioned on the way home in Naskapi that he might join us for dinner, and my parents agreed.

Monday:
TODAY! I’m finally caught up.
Slept in for the first time since this ordeal began.
And I dreamt for the first time of Inya.
It had been bothering me that I had not dreamt about her yet, it’s kind of rare for me to be this close to a person and not to have dreamt about them.
It was a simple dream, not prophetic. I was entering a cafeteria. It resembled a McDonald’s nestled in a Wal-Mart. I grabbed a tray and began filling it up. I turned around to see Inya sitting at one of the tables, she looked like she was dressed in her Lottie uniform. Her and I used to work together in Lottie. She looked me out of the corner of her eye from under her cap, and beamed at me. I smiled back and approached the counter to get something warmed up for me.
Maricar Geronimo sat at a table right near the counter. Maricar was a very beautiful island girl I had known in my Senior Year at Fitch High school in Connecticut. I knew her very little, save that she was cute. There was a cookie stand on the counter, full of brown cookies save for one white one.
I reached for it, and she remarked she wanted that one. I broke it in half and gave it to her, she broke the half in half, and ate her half. We talked for a little while, then when my meal was ready, I made my way towards Inya, but then woke up before I got there.

I’m not sure exactly what the dream means. It could be a representation that I know very little of Inya (how little I know of Maricar). I could be a representation that I to readily give myself (the cookie) or of how I’ve been broken. Most likely, however, it’s a representation that I feel like Caroline (represented by Maricar) still might have a piece of me, unwilling as I am for her to have it.

It could mean nothing. I’m happy I dreamt, though.

My father was the one who woke me up, and we went to drop off my Aunt Jo at the airport for her journey to Florida. We stopped in Hartford on the way back and ate at a Mom & Pop Pizza shop (Barb’s Pizza, I think). We talked about Barrett, and he remarked how it was usually the responsibility of the son of the family to screen the sister’s boyfriend. I know I’m up for it. He seems like an alright kid so far.
Dad said though he understands me playing in bars and thinks it’s for the large part ok, my Mom still doesn’t completely understand. He encouraged me to talk about it with her.

We went to Wal-Mart with the whole family after that, then came home.

And that wraps up a whole week. This has got to be by far the longest journal entry I’ve ever produced. If you have actually read through this entire thing, let me know. I commend you.

If you have, however, you see why I had to get it down.

Song playing: Fever – Beyonce

Aloha..

I’m so tired. I’m sick of exams.
But life has been so good.
Sort of.
Yeah.
I’m tired.

The dance was wonderful!
I went to Bangkok House beforehand with Hope, Heather, Lisa, Derek, Luke, Leah and Laura. It was storming (on Friday night) and so I drove Heather’s car. I had asked Inya if she had wanted to come with us, but she was riding with Menkeh and a bunch of other girls, and they had decided to go to the dinner at Hershey Lodge. I drive in the snow really really well, so in spite of the 2 feet of snow we got, it went really well. Dinner was fantastic, I had squid and garlic.
We got to the dance alright safely, and in time. I wore all black (trenchcoat, blazer, dress pants & shoes, silk shirt) and a silver tie. It was new for me, and it worked rather well. I met up with Inya, Idiki, Menkeh, and Victoria. The music wasn’t that great, but I had fun anyways. I danced almost the entire time.
Something was different… I was being treated differently by the girls. I felt as if I was… off limits. As if I was attached. But I wasn’t. I felt that way the whole evening, but I still had fun anyways. I was practically ignored, though.
Jen Giles came up to me, apparently her boyfriend (now her ex) had been a jerk lately, and had brought her to the dance and then left her. I talked with her for a bit and helped her get over it.
And I danced. Silvia danced with me for a while. She’s had a crush on me since she got here; she’s a transfer student from Mexico, but has never said it outright (other people told me, and it wasn’t like I hadn’t picked it up). We’re good friends, (despite her daily task of doing everything she can to make me blush) and it works well like that. We danced swing for a while, and it was good to see her eyes light up. It’s been rough since she came here, because she’s not the greatest at English.
Morgan was there, and he did a dance where he pretended something was in his hands. We threw it back and forth for a while, that was a fun.
The dance ended at around 12, and we drove home. We must have stopped 4 times for different accidents along the road, people spinning off the road and stuff. Nobody got hurt, and everyone was being helpful and stopping, so we weren’t needed.

Inya called me when we got back. I felt bad, because I really didn’t know how to act when we met at the dance. I felt like asking her to dance, but I didn’t feel it was the right time. She confessed she felt the same with me, too. She almost asked me to dance as well (these are slow dances we’re talking about). I think it was for the better, though. I also made the very very stupid mistake of not complimenting her on her outfit (which was stunning). She wore a fantastic red and maroon African tie-dyed dress. It looked really really good. But, because I was too much of a bloody fool, I didn’t say anything. I brought it up and apologized on the phone, but I still felt like a punk. 😛

We went to see the movie “Fighting Temptations” on Saturday. It’s a good movie, but Cuba’s acting in it is just STUPID. He acts like such a moron in it. Beyonce singing was incredible, though. I have the soundtrack for the movie, and it rocks. It’s very obviously sponsored by Pepsi too. Very obviously sponsored. Inya and I talked at points during the movie. I growl unconsciously when I disagree strongly with something, and movies are no exception. It’s a low, deep grrr, barely audible unless you’re right next to me. Inya always pokes me when I do it, so I tired to stop doing it, but she made a comment this time and asked why I wasn’t doing it. I had been trying to suppress it a bit, because I thought it bothered her. But she said it didn’t.
It is a little strange, but it’s very unconscious. I think it comes from spending so much time with animals and picking up behavioral traits from home. Oh well. As long as she doesn’t mind. 🙂

I went to Christian Life Assembly Church on Sunday morning, and for the first time I went to their College Church. It was ok. I felt like I was surrounded by a lot of white people. I usually feel that, but the College Church seemed very … pristine. And instead of having a speaker, we just watched a taped message from the pastor on the big screen on the wall. The pastor is really a good speaker, but I think I would have rather seen him in person than on the screen. It gave me a headache after a while.
Only me, Kim, and Victoria were up for some reason. Usually there are a lot more people in attendance to the Church. Victoria and I got to talk a bit on the ride home in the bus. She seems very interested in me, especially the Native American side of me. In any case, she asked me what the hardest thing of being at home was. And I said it was probably the fact that even though some of them showed affection to me, none of the Naskapi girls would ever go out with me because of my skin colour. This got us talking, and she asked stuff about if I felt like I experienced that kind of prejudice here and that type of thing. It was a very good conversation.

Inya and I have been having these serendipitous conversations where we would both end up calling each other at the same time and such. This is a little weird. Because this serendipity stuff seems to happen every time I get close to someone. It’s very freaky.
Anyhow, we talked until about 4 in the morning.
And it got deep. It was absolutely wonderful. We talked about us, and I figured out why everyone was treating me different at the dance. Apparently, somehow everyone had figured out how I felt about her. And so, I guess that’s why they avoided me. But it was weird, since I wasn’t actually officially WITH her either. I stated I really could care less what everyone else thought, as long as it did not harm her. And we talked more. She told me a lot of things that she wouldn’t normally tell people, as did I. We were so open with each other, and our walls began to come down. She is so fascinating to talk to, I love her sense of intellect. And there are a lot of other things that I could not mention… but it was beautiful.
However, we DID talk until 4 in the morning…. and perhaps let our guards down a little too far.

Yesterday after Gospel Choir, we walked home, and Hope mentioned she and Inya and Idiki we’re going to go to the store, and I asked if I could join them. I needed groceries, and I needed to stock up for Spring semester.
So, I went. Idiki and Inya were talking in “symbols” to each other about this guy Inya needed to talk to.
At first, I admit, I felt jealous. I even asked Inya about it, and she nonchalantly said she didn’t really want to talk about it.
But, I realized she was right. I had had the nagging feeling all day that I was getting too close… especially the night before… especially for something that wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a friendship.
I felt like the Monday was a little too soon to call her again, but vowed that I would the next day after practice (which is today)

Serendipity, lo and behold, I get home and there is a message waiting for me. From her. 🙂
And, I call her, and guess what she wanted to talk about.
She felt we were getting to close too. She said she didn’t know what to do… that she didn’t want to loose the friendship, but felt like we were too close. I know I felt like Sunday night might have been the beginning of a slip. A selfish part of me enjoyed it. I wanted to gleefully slip into a relationship. But, I knew I had to have a little more sense than that. I need to play my part in being a gentleman and a man of good character in resisting the temptation to lead on and to give in. Because it would be so easy and so wonderful to. But I know she doesn’t find me completely attractive, and I don’t think she knows enough about the rest of me to really understand who I am. She knows how I feel about her, but I’m still uncertain as to what God wants me to do as well. She is more interested in me than anyone I’ve ever know, and is a better friend than I’ve ever known. And I will do anything in my power not to loose that. I think we’ll be ok, and that this can work as a friendship.
I so wish I could be free with her. I wish it all did not matter. And I’m so glad our friendship is still remaining strong.

There are all kinds of other things going on, but they’re not important enough to talk about now. Mesgana, my next door neighbor has been being self-centered, and it’s been affecting Nina a lot, and I’ve been talking to her. But the grounds he has are so inane they’re not worth it.

Anyhow, Inya thinks we might need a bit of a break, and I think I agree, so we’ll see what happens.
In God I trust.