Author: benjancewicz

Song currently playing: Bring me to Life – Evanescence

It’s Aliiiiiiiiiive!

My computer is finally functioning again, after much toil. I’ve been reinstalling all my programs slowly, I need to work on my scanner and my tablet next. I did a new DevID, though. I felt it was time for a new one.

I also created a new account, , whose purpose will be to illustrate my journal. The work there is not artistic, but since I like being creative, chances are you’ll find some interesting shots there. It is more of a photo album of the rest of my life. You will meet all my friends there, and will be able to see what I’m really like. The journal will still be post here, but if you want to see the pictures, go there.

My moped broke down while I was out buying software for my computer, but a nice man helped me out. He threw my moped in the back of his little pickup truck and drove me home. Cool guy. He’s a retired computer systems installer who used to ride motorcycles. He installed the base systems for all the Navy’s computers, and continued to update them until 2000. Very very smart man. I gave him my number, he’s going to look for motorcycles for me.

I woke up Monday, panicking that I was late for work.
Then I realized that I was going to Hershey Park!
We left early, I drove a van dubbed “the bachelor mobile”, since all the single guys (including myself) happened to hop on board. We jammed to the radio all the way there, windows down and breeze blowing in our faces.

It was the most perfect day. After figuring out meeting places and times, we scattered through the park. Me and a bunch of other friends ran to the very end of the park to work our way back, so as to avoid the lines. It wasn’t bad, though, since it was a Monday. We went on every water ride and every roller coaster (some a couple times!!!). I had so much fun.
I didn’t get into much deep conversation like I had the last time I went to Hershey Park, but I had a blast anyways so it didn’t really matter.
I mostly hung out with Lalrem, Boone, Collins, Janice, Erin, Eunice, Magda, and Regina. The others usually dispersed themselves throughout the park. Priscilla, Jon, and the Hubbards I barely saw, and that was just by chance.

I had to leave early, unfortunately. A bunch of kids needed to be back early, so I loaded them into the van and took them home. I kinda did need to get back, so I could make band practice, but it wasn’t easy leaving that park.

It ended up good that we got back, though, because then I got dinner at Lottie, and was able to take a couple stabs at my computer when I got back.
Practice was awesome, though I sometimes still wonder if Jared’s completely comfortable with me. I just [i]feel[/i] something different from him. It’s not the same as Lox & Spam, we just have a strong connection yet. I’m hoping this will improve once we start working on the Direct Hit side project. We’ll see. He seems almost defensive of his lyrics, it makes me increasingly nervous when I’m asked to do backup vocals. Crowds don’t make me nervous, but I can’t sing to my full potential when I’m nervous.
I get the feeling that he’s been criticized to much on his vocals & lyrics. Even when Spam makes suggestions, he gets very defensive. We’ll see what happens.
The basement flooded right in the middle of practice, sending puddles to the middle of the floor. The stream headed to our amps, so we ended up abandoning practice and getting everything off the floor.

The rainstorm was gigantic, knocking out the internet for a while and felling several branches off the tree in our neighbor’s yard.

Got to clean the house tonight, Cathy is coming over tomorrow at 1 to “inspect”.

Song currently playing: Thinking of You – Bonnie Pink

Happy Fathers Day, everyone! Call your Papa!

Yippeee! I’m fwee!

Photography class is over, and I got my grade back! A-!!!! I was floored! This guy is one hard grader! On top of that, though, he pulled me aside and talked all about how much he liked me in the class! AND, he gave me a whole box of photopaper! The stuff is worth like 50$!!! Anyways, I’m pretty happy. 🙂
It’s still not completely paid for, though I’m trying. Another paycheck is supposed to come in Friday, maybe that will boost it enough.

I now have more time. I got to send all my citizenship papers in. Hopefully they’ll reach my Dad in time.

The car is almost all primered, now I need to get that paint in from the Mazda dealership, and I’ll be all set.

Lox, the guitarist in Pagoda is staying at my place for a little while, and we’ve been writing songs right and left.

I got to get back to work, I’m finishing up a price list for a website design that :devkelticangel: proposed to me.

Right.
So, my computer is dead. It contracted a virus that slipped through my virus protection and wrecked havoc by installing so much spyware it overloaded my CPU and crashed. I wiped me C: drive (which has no artwork on it, by the way) and am in the process of reformatting and reinstalling. Hopefully my D: drive will be ok, ’cause that’s where all my work is. I unplugged it, so it should be fine.

In the meantime, I’m writing to you from a laptop I found in the dumpster this weekend. It needed work, so I fixed it and now I can connect to DA and type. It is a Win98 machine, has a 1.5 GB hard drive, no sound hardware and registers about 30 words per minute. I have to pause every now and then to let it catch up with my typing. Ah well, it works, and it’s portable. So, what the heck.

I’ve been busy, I went to see the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen on Friday. Pretty good movie, that is VERY true to the books. Some of the plotline is a little improbable and the computer graphics a little hokey, but all in all it was worth it.
On Saturday I went to the Lancaster Outlets. I didn’t but anything, I just went because I was the driver for the trip, and spent the entire afternoon napping on a picnic table under a gazebo. Beautiful day. 🙂 (Smile) Saturday night I went to a Pearl Jam concert. One of my friends got tickets for my whole band to go. It was awesome. I got pretty close too, just in front of the soundboard stage.

I won’t be putting up any work until my computer is fixed, just to let you know.

Song currently playing: Oracle – Paul Spaeth

Holy mother of Buddah! I’ve reached 1000 pageviews!
*feels very conceited* *blush*
People … are … WATCHING ME. o_O (paranoid)
Cool! ^_^

Anyhow, it seems a lot of people liked my Poetry submission “Light in the Window”. It’s currently my top piece (it bulldozed Slanted Sunset in a matter of hours, peaking at 10 comments and 6 favs).

*deflates head*

I did get a mysterious number of DevWatches by people whom I have not met, however. I Devwatched them back, so I guess I’ll find out who they are when they submit something.

Things are going good here, though I feel I’m constantly behind in practicing for the band. I’m ready, and we’re having a practice tonight, but I keep feeling I’d rather spend time on Bittner 3rd or in the Green House with my friends. Ah well.
I guess less Devtime will help that, I’m going to try and cut myself back down to one Dev a day.

I feel like I talked :icongreenegssandham:’s ear off… she asked me what had happened with the situation with Caroline.
Oie. Me so Dumb.

I’m really starting to appreciate ‘s comments, he’s very insightful, and doesn’t beat around the bush.

No dreams lately, but I keep feeling that I’m letting something pass me by. It’s a repetitive feeling, and it’s driving me wild. There are at least 7 girls who are close friends who I feel I should be spending more time with, but I’m running myself ragged as it is. *sigh* I wish I didn’t have some things in my life, so that I could sit down and chat with them like I chat with some people on this site.
I don’t know, I guess I just feel bad when this very very sweet girl comes up to me in the cafeteria and remarks that it’s been unfortunate that she hasn’t seen me in a while.

Sensing people’s feelings is something I naturally do, but right now there are so many that I’m trying got decipher.

Song currently playing: Children – Robert Miles

And so I write to you remotely.

I am at my friend Rob’s house, who was kind enough to come pick me up at my house for a weekend to hang out at his very welcoming family’s house in Maryland. I was originally going to go to VA Beach, but I wasn’t able to get a hold of my friend Kim, a Vietnamese student who lives there. Ah well, I’m having fun here.

I’ll be missing a Pagoda practice tomorrow night, which is a shame, but we’re doing well, and aren’t too pressed for practices anyways.

Very vivid dreams lately, though none of them Deja Vu, I can tell. Short clips, usually of me being in close encounter with a girl. It amazes me how much I miss that; simply feeling truly welcome in the same place. It… just makes me feel content inside, even if we’re doing something as mundane as studying together… the interaction is like liquid electricity for me. Each single solitary event like that makes me feel as if I could shut down completely at that moment and live on that feeling for the rest of eternity.
Maybe I fall in love to easily. But if were to mean I would be deprived of this feeling, than I wouldn’t want it.

The dreams are never the same girl, oddly enough, most likely preying on my own insecurities about whether girls are really attracted to me or not. But I entertain the dreams, at least they’re better than my overactive mind coming up with every type of rejection a particular girl could give me, should I ever come outright and say what I was feeling. This happens too often in my own head anyways.

*stares in irony a moment as he reads his own journal*

I must at all costs drop my inhibitions the next time the opportunity arises, her exactly what I’m feeling. I’ve got to give it at least a try.
*goes on to justify himself*
I’ll be a Senior, after all, I don’t have much to lose in being completely honest.
Say if I merely said I found her cute. This would be no lie.
Say I found her personality attractive. This would be no lie either.
Say I told her I wanted to be her friend. This would also be no lie, but would most likely kill any serious chances of me ever being her friend (or anything deeper, for that matter.)
And this my arguments bazooka themselves to death.

Unless, of course, she smiled prettily and said she found she liked me too.
Then you might as well bazooka me, because I would be completely GONE by then anyways.

Girls often have a list of visible criteria to figure out which is a good guy. Guys only need an opportunity to get to know them.

Song currently playing: Daddy’s Home – The Temprees

Good evening ladies and gents,

No post for tonight, I’m rendering a short clip for my 3D submission. Worked hard on the camerawrok, making sure it didn’t look too choppy. We’ll see how it looks like tommorow morning.

Still no work on ‘s site, she just got back from vacation, and things are a little crazy for her at the moment.

Pagoda had a fantastic practice Saturday night, we played all our potential EP songs straight through, and NAILED them. We could have recorded last night and it would have been awesome.

I go back to work tomorrow, and my boss is supposed to give me feedback on my poster design for her. That should go well. I think I may need to ask for more vacation this week, because I’m going to be helping my dad move a car to Connecticut. For the 4th of July, I’m thinking of heading down to Virginia Beach for some time off. I have a friend down there, and she said I could stay with her. Her mom cooks the most awesome Vietnamese food, too.

I wish I could spend more time on Bittner 3rd. One of my good friends is back from England, she is so good to talk to. I love when I can get into a really deep conversation. I think I’m going to limit myself to 1 submission per day, to give me time to do other stuff. I’m averaging 1 or 2 new people a day, and that takes a little time to follow up on.

I’ve been getting some deep conversations with and . I think I may have talked to much, though… I hate doing that x_x sometimes I scare people off. I just really like talking to people who see things on a deeper level.

~Orion

Mood: Gloomy .: Melancholy :.
Listening to: .: Ricardo Arjona – Ella Y El :.
Reading: .: The Count of Monte Christo :.
Watching: .: Fahrenheit 9/11 :.

Sometimes I wish I weren’t so bloody romantic.
I’ve officially moved into Harrisburg. Camp is over, and I’m now completely on my own, living on the scrapings of cash and plugging as much money as possible into student loans.
And I like Harrisburg. I keep finding beautiful things about this city. It has incredible charm, and a very friendly and loving atmosphere to it. A third of it lies in ruins similar to Michael Moore’s home town, a third consists of pleasant townhouses with carefully tended lawns and striking architecture, and the last third is the bustling down town where the two previous are mixed with glass and steel.
It is a beautiful place.
And I keep having to remind myself that I want to see the world. I doubt I will stay at Nativity more than a year, I want to travel. I want to get rid of these blimmin school loans, though. They’re driving me up a wall. I want freedom. Comparatively, I don’t have much. Far less than the average student. But I still have them. And I don’t like them.
And so I’ve been finding all the beautiful nooks and crannies of this city. The independent movie theatre. Classy places to dine. Scenic walking routes filled with fireflies and bridges with lights. Beaches on the water perfect for escaping to.
And here I am, all alone. A bloody hopeless romantic. And now that I’m freshly graduated, I have almost no female contact at all. I must apologize to all you guys out there, but sorry, I don’t get along with guys that well. I just don’t. The typical guy and me don’t have a whole lot in common; and most of the time I either end up wanting to beat them up for being a chauvinist pig, or being bored to tears talking about insignificant stuff. And I sound like something’s wrong with me now when I say I miss girls. I miss their company.
*Sigh*
I’m sure the time will come. It shakes my independence, I guess I just need to get into the scheme of keeping myself occupied.

Pagoda had it’s first practice in a while tonight. It went sloppy, but we did well. I kinda wish it would die, though. Saxton sent everyone an e-mail about hints that he might leave the band. I’m not wishing he would, but I could see how less people would be better for the band. Jeff, I don’t know. Jeff writes music well. But it is hard to work with him for some reason. I’m not sure why.
I don’t know. Sometimes I get discouraged. Lox, Jeff & Mike have such weird playing ideals. Whenever a chord progression is too regular, they seem to throw it out. No one appreciates standard tried-and-true music compositions, the kind of stuff I love. I am convinced that certain progressions and time signatures are pleasing to the ear; and experimenting within those limits is the key to writing good music.
Ah. I’m just frustrated.
I need to fix the headlight on the Wiiskichaan so I can ride around at night.
I wish Tamika would call.

Song currently playing: Start the Commotion – the Wiseguys

Aloha!

I’m back, as you’ve probably guessed from the plethora of comments. Thanks so much for reading my last post, your comments really helped a lot. I’m doing ok, and Pagoda’s going to meet tomorrow to perhaps meet our new manager and talk about the song.

It appears as if I have quite a few more people Devwatching me, some of whom I’ve never met! Well, He’s to meeting them…

Vacation wasn’t too good. My sister and I were on our way to Creationfest (a huge concert with about 50 bands) when my van died. It blew a gasket, which costs about 2000$ to fix. Needless to say, I scrapped it and then Lox came to pick me up (the boy drove 5 hours to come get me!). I’m safe and sound now, and working to unpack and clean my room.

More posts soon,,,

Song currently playing: Secret Ambition – Micheal W. Smith

I won’t be around for a week or two, I’m going on vacation. I’ll have a lot of catching up to do when I get back, but be assured I’ll look at all your work.

Pagoda’s practice last night of a particular song had a deep effect on me, as I predicted.

Caroline called me.

I was working in Frey, and my boss called me as she usually does, and gave a couple instructions on stuff she wanted me to do.
Suddenly, she cut off.
At the same moment, the phone across the hall rang. One of the workstudy janitor girls who was sweeping the floor picked it up and answered it.
She looked puzzled for a moment, then handed it to me.
“It’s for you.” she said, holding out the receiver.
I got up and took it from her, and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hello.” she said. That should have cued me off, the particular tone she answered with should have struck me, it was the way we always started phone conversations, without ever saying the other’s name. But it’s been so long since I talked to her I didn’t even recognize it.

She seemed to get a little scared and frustrated that I didn’t recognize her, so she tried speaking to me in Naskapi (I had taught her a few words).
“Da-deen?” [what’s up?]

“Da-deen?” I replied, “u- one chi?” [who are you?]

She didn’t understand of course, and tried to remember some other words.
“Shachituun, Binchibin.” [I love you, Benjamin.]

I finally recognized who it was but was a little freaked out that she called me. I played dumb.
“U- one u chi? Ash teemini shtudaatin. Danta ataain?” [Who are you? I can’t understand you at all. Where are you?]

She became even more frustrated and scared, and digressed into Indonesian, trying desparately to communicate with me.
“It’s Caroline, Ben.” she finally said.

I didn’t know what to say. “Well… hi.”

There was an awkward pause.

“I really want to talk to you.” she said softly, “I just- I’ve been feeling bad about the way things ended. Between you and me.”

I remained neutral. “Uh huh..”

She paused again, I could hear adjust wherever she was. Probably lying on her bed. “I feel bad, Ben. I know I cut you off, and I’m sorry.”

“You said you wanted to be friends, but then wouldn’t respond to me. What was I supposed to think?” I wasn’t angry, but I didn’t quite comprehend that she was actually doing this.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I was scared of you, you know? All the stuff we did, I didn’t want us to go back.”

“But we worked through it each time. We never dealt with the same problem twice, because we took the time to talk with one another. Once you cut me off, I never was able to understand why. I still don’t know why.” I was getting slightly miffed.

“I was scared, Ben. But I’ve been thinking all this time we’ve been apart. It’s been hard for me too, you know.”

“It doesn’t seem like it.”

“It has…” she didn’t lose her tone. She seemed so soft… “It’s been really hard. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I just decided to take things into control and … but I’m not sure if I’m right anymore. I was just thinking.. what if you are the one for me? I mean, it could still happen, I don’t want to give up on that chance…”

“Well… me neither…” I admitted, “But I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. I don’t know who you are.”

“I still remember you,” she said, “I miss you, Ben. It’s hard. I met a couple guys down here, they’re ok, but they’re not as gentle, or patient or strong or as forgiving as you. I want to at least see if we can be friends again. I miss you not mostly in our relationship, but in our friendship. We were good friends. You’re still the best friend I’ve ever met, you know.”

“Me neither…” I said softly. I looked around. Without knowing it, I had retreated into the classroom out of sight of the cleaning girl, and was sitting on the floor. staring at my hands.

“I want to see you again, Ben. But I want to know what you think…” She paused.

We sat in silence for a while, I was thinking hard.
My very first initial gut reaction was to forgive her. I was incredibly surprised at this thought, that even after all the pain I had been through, and how much her silence had hurt me like nothing before; I still felt the desire to forgive her. And it was strong too. Not for want of a relationship, either. Though I did want that, I wanted only to forgive her because I knew it was the right thing to do, and honestly, I wanted her back as a friend.
Other relationships were progressing here at the college, strong friendships, and it was tough trying to determine what it was worthwhile. I just wasn’t sure how honest she was being.

One of the things she had told me when we broke up was that all the times she had said she loved me over the two years we had been together, she had never really felt it. That was rough for me. But the thing was, she broke up with me over the phone. I couldn’t tell whether she was being serious, or whether she was simply saying it to give me a reason to push her away. I don’t know. I couldn’t see her eyes.

I knew what to say. I needed to see her face to face, needed to see if she was serious enough to take time off of work and school, and to drive up here to say it to my face.

I was about to say that to her…

And I woke up.

Like I said previously, 85% of my dreams are Deja Vu. But they don’t usually come true if I talk about them. So, that’s why I’ve decided to tell you this one. If this happens, I’ll know it will have happened because it was meant to be, not because I simply dreamed it. I only want this to come true if it’s really true. Because I’m so tired of living on half-feelings.

As I said before, I will never fall in love again unless the other person expresses love in me. When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I’ll never fall in love.

Back to Pagoda. The reason this dream was spawned was from the song Saxton finished the lyrics to last night. It doesn’t really have a title yet, but I’ll call it Phoenix for now.
I wrote the bassline for Phoenix, and from it the entire band jumped on and took off with it, developing it into a truly rocking song.

But when I heard the final lyrics last night, and what the meaning behind them was, I was horrified. The meaning Jared brought to the song was him arising from the destruction of a past relationship, basking in the glory that he had been affected by the heartache from past experiences, and in conceited self glory.

As many of you know, I’m a romantic, and always will be. I couldn’t graps the concept of seeing this type of raw feeling that to me was very sinister and almost evil, especially out of a song I helped write. I began distancing myself from the song, mechanically playing it. I turned off all senses but touch, closing my eyes and playing the song from feeling alone. It helped develop it, but the other band members seemed disturbed at my reaction.

Music affects me very deeply, and also controls how I feel. Consequently, I listen to and write music based on how I would like to feel, and it works.

But this songs was turning into something I would NEVER want to feel, or even understand. It affected me deeply anyways, and it is the root of the dream.

What frightens me, however, is the deep connection me and Caroline shared. Sometimes, we dreamed the same thing, met coincidently in random but very specific places, thought the same thoughts, and decided things that fit the other’s decision perfectly without knowing what the other decided. When we first fell in love, we admitted our love to each other at the same time, without knowing fully how the other felt.

What does this mean? It means that it’s possible that she could be feeling this way too. But I don’t know. That’s why I’m telling you this, so that if it does come true, I know it won’t be just coincidence.

Song currently playing: It’s da Gangsta N Me – Underground Beats

Ah, life is good.

Pagoda is making steps to put out our first EP, and guess who is signed up to do cover art. This is a fantastic opportunity, we’re debating whether to nail the old songs or write entirely new stuff for the EP. We’re also planning on putting together a full album, recorded in my room. This will be a challenge I’m definitely up for.

I got a second Moped, I was riding around last week and spotted a junker in the backyard of some house. It HAPPENED to be a Puch (Austrian made) and HAPPENED to be made the same year as mine. Feeling adventurous, I walked up the house, and knocked on the door. They guy wasn’t homes, so I left him a note, saying if he ever wanted to get rid of it, I’d be interested.
Well, in Sunday, he called, and said I could come over and get it anytime I wanted. He rode it when HE was in highschool, and wanted to give it to one of his kids, but they’re all grown now and not interested. I picked it up, and set to work on it. It really is a wreck, the back wheel is rusted permanently fast, I had to lift it up to move it.
It is excellent for parts, though, so that’s what I’m going to use it for.
I DID ride out to Carlisle yesterday (20 miles away) and my little bugger konked out on me. I pushed it for 6 miles, then stop and asked a local family if they might drive me home. They did, and I wheeled it down into the garage. I think the carburettor needs to be cleaned out; I’ll take a look at it tonight.

I talked more with ~kelticangel, and apparently she likes my prices. She’s going to chat with her group to see what they think. I really hope they approve, because that would mean that I might actually get a little more money for fall tuition.