Mood: Confused .: CacophonInside :.
Listening to: .: Laze – Blue Tones :.
Reading: .: Everything but the Burden :.
Watching: .: Whose Line is it Anyway :.
Aloha!
I feel as if I am standing on a ridge at home and fierce winds are ripping at my body. Horrible sounds rip through the shale rocks, screaming, screeching; winds strong enough for the strongest storm. And yet, there is no rain. No hail, no sleet, rain or snow. Just me and the wind. And it does not move me. Sways me, yes; blows me around. But does not move me.
It is becoming an issue how much I talk with different friends. This is odd. I don’t tell people to buzz off easily. It is not in me, I can’t do it.
Inya is acting cheery with me. It’s refreshing. It energizes me to talk with her, and I feel welcome, but at the same time; warning lights go off in that I shouldn’t trust her or ANYONE that much if it can end that quickly. I feel the need to keep everyone at a distance.
Vikki is… I feel like she analyzes me at a glance. And does not always get the right reading. I talked with her tonight; and she drew all kinds of conclusions that had doubts about and then told me how to remedy some of my problems.
I feel like a lot of people try to analyze me all over the place. They try to read subversive tones to my actions, speech and many other things. All the while me being completely naive to them. Agh. It’s troubling trying to keep track of them all. And THEN, people using different over and undertones in how they act to me; based on readings they THINK they got from me… All the while if they just asked me how I felt I’d tell them honestly (which would line up with my actions ANYWAYS). If I like someone, they’ll know. If I don’t like someone, they’ll know. If I really am not thinking about it, I really am not.
I REALLY wish I didn’t have the ability to read so people so darn well, because it becomes instantly apparent when they’ve got the wrong idea about me. It’s confusing.
I think I’ve studied too much psych. I so easily subvert any diagnosis or any attempts to self analyze even. There are storms in my head, ferocious battles of logic and reasoning, compounded by emotional torrents blowing everything out of proportion and giving no bearings at all.
I’m too naive to play the game, but I’m forced to watch it.