Mood: Sunbeam Inside
Listening to: Besaid Island – FF Piano
Aloha!
So, the semester has started.
And we’re still good friends.
Okay, it might not be love, but the bond is very strong. I don’t know what it is. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything this strong between two people. Especially not ones my age, anyways.
We’ve been talking a bit about the bounds of the relationship, but every time we talk we come to some sort of agreeing conclusion, and the next time we see each other, we’re still comfortable around one another.
AS MUCH as this is what I’d want for the perfect love, she does not feel it…
…and so I’m willing to let it go…
…and I am.
The night before last, we had talked on the phone, and she said she thought we needed to spend less time around each other. Inya’s closest friend was coming the next day, and she wanted to spend time with her before she took off for England. I said I understood.
Yesterday we met up in Chapel, and she seemed kind of down. She said she was tired, and we walked back to Climenhaga together since we both have class there.
Lisa invites me every day to go to lunch. She’s in my Figure Drawing class, and she has more than enough meals on her card for the semester, so I eat with her.
Inya appeared right behind us in line at the door, but since Lisa’s a little shorter and Inya’s 6’3″ like me, she didn’t see her. I smiled at her, and asked her softly if she wanted to eat with us. The lunchroom was packed, and it was going to be hard finding seats. She shook her head and said no. She still seemed down. I wasn’t sure if it was still being tired, or if was something else; but I got worried.
We split up to get seats, then got our trays to get food. This time I ended up in line behind Inya, and so I asked her if everything was alright. She said she was just tired and didn’t feel like socializing with people much, especially people she didn’t know too well. I smiled and said that was fine, then we both disappeared into the crowd for lunch.
I could tell she was tired. She sat on the far side of the cafeteria, near the wall with a few international kids. And I could tell. It drove me nuts. I didn’t want to leave Lisa, because it’s the only way I’m able to eat lunch every day since I’m taking 2 J-Term classes… but I felt so … protective. I wanted to be near Inya, if only to sit at the same table just to make sure she’s alright.
I always feel that to some degree when I’m around someone I care about. It’s not an active thing, especially not one that one would find stifling, but it gives me a peace of mind if I can at least read them to make sure (as far as it concerns me) they’re ok.
I wasn’t able to, and it was driving me mad.
Of course, I naturally blew it out of proportion. She had told me she was tired, and this was obvious, but I also entertained worries that it might also be that she was attempting to spend less time together.
I thought the rest of the day about that. Caroline had suggested the same thing when we had first started going out, for fear that we were moving too fast, and we needed to be friends longer in order to control ourselves.
And it had backfired. We started taking on too much of the burden to keep from tempting the other, and then when we did let down our barriers, the torrent of passion was almost beyond what we could handle.
I didn’t want this to happen again. I knew the biggest problem was a lack of trust with Caroline; we didn’t trust each other enough to be comfortable around each other. I made up my mind to tell Inya.
I went to Pagoda practice after class. We spent a lot of time messing around, then a lot of time practicing our old songs. I got really tired of it. Probably due to thinking so much, but I also was tired of all the depressing and angry songs we had. I’m either romantically sad or insanely happy. I don’t do anger very well, nor depressions. I don’t see much point in listening to that kind of music unless it is really interesting musically (Linkin Park’s Reanimation) because I’m affected by the music I hear.
In any case, I got through it and I wrote a brand new part to Shame Shame. I hope I remember it.
When I got home, I found a message on my machine. 🙂
I called her back, and we talked for a couple hours. She told me how Renee, her closest friend, had miserably stood her up. It wasn’t pretty. She really needed to talk about it, and we talked about all kinds of stuff. It made me feel good, just to know she was feeling better. Eventually we talked of some deeper stuff, and I asked her to simply trust me. She said she never trusted anyone completely, but she understood what I was trying to say. I also asked her to promise me one thing, and I would be ok.
I asked that if she ever felt anything towards me, that she would tell me. She said she would.
If I know that, I’m ok.
She asked that I not just wait around for her, and I won’t.
It will take a while to slowly subside, though. It will take time and energy simply because it’s so deep. But I have no doubts I can do it, and I know she’s happy.
And so I’m happy. 🙂
As long as I know that, nothing else matters.
I feel like I have a sunbeam inside me. No matter what I do, it never goes away…