Song playing: The Notic – The Roots feat. D’Angelo
Aloha!
Man, to recount the events of the last couple days…
What a task at hand.
When I don’t have finals, I should make it a duty to submit a journal at least once every two days. Otherwise tons of events just pile up.
Monday:
I was restless. I wasn’t having a particularly good day. I had gone down for my Ceramics final and found out someone had gone overtime and my final had been postponed until the next day.
It irked me a bit, because I didn’t know about it ahead of time, but resolved that it would make my crit better and I’ve have more pieces out of the kiln.
It got me restless the rest of the day, though, especially when I tried to go home and work on my Graphics final.
I roamed campus for a while. For some reason, I knew it wasn’t healthy for me. I was pining. About Inya. I only wanted to see her, and I knew even if I had the smallest glimpse, it would make me feel worlds better. She has that kind of effect on me sometimes. And as much as I tried, I couldn’t shake the feeling.
My wanderings led me to her room.
She wasn’t there. I couldn’t figure it out. I knew she should have been studying, and couldn’t imagine where I might be. Finally, I gave up and resolved to just GO HOME and get some work done.
On my way out of the building, I saw Menkeh (who lives on Inya’s floor) and she asked me if I had seen Inya. I said no, and that she wasn’t in her room because I was just there.
I walked sadly home. Hope was at Rafiki house, and suddenly it came to me. She had mentioned something about her, Inya, and Idiki going out to eat. Hope said they had just gotten back.
I threw my coat on and went out again.
I went to Inya’s room, and of course, she was there.
We sat and talked for hours. 🙂 I worked on her computer a little bit, and signed her up for the Boondocks comic online. She mentioned in passing how if she had the money she would go and buy the entire Boondocks set of books. I smiled inside.
She introduced me to the site she usually visits; Nappturality. She had a post on there about the best wedding songs, and asked me if I would make her a CD. I said sure.
Tuesday:
Inya had decided she wasn’t quite ready for the exam she was to take the exam she was going to take Tuesday morning, and e-mailed her professor. He said it was perfectly fine with her taking it the next time slot on Wednesday. She studied all day, then. I had my Museum studies final, which I did well on, and later that day had my Ceramics final, which I think I did ok on. I’m not the most fantastic potter. It’s ok, though.
When I got home, I mixed Inya’s Wedding Song CD for her, and added on a couple songs on the end. I put a lot of time into placing the songs, and checked on Nappturality and found out what Inya’s picks on songs were.
I gave her a call later that evening, and asked if I could see her for a little bit to “give her something”. I went over, and she came out with a box of cookies and offered me a few. Abigail had given her a box of delicacy cookies. Inya had been out all day; and to my shock, she had been with Kanke. Kanke is a good friend of mine, and hasn’t been doing entirely well. She had gone in for surgery that day, and Inya had gone for support.
Consequently, she hadn’t done any studying for her final. So, I gave her the CD on the condition that it help and not inhibit her studying. She smiled and bid me goodnight.
Wednesday:
Right.
Inya’s birthday was on Friday, but I wasn’t able to acquire a car on that day, and so devised an elaborate scheme to cook dinner for her. I borrowed Hope’s car and went to get some groceries.
Wednesday was Inya’s last day of finals. She loves to read, and mentioned in passing that one of the most relaxing things for her is to simply go to a bookstore and just read the afternoon away. I must confess; I love to do that as well, and used to do it all the time when my van was running. So, I told her I’d take her, just to meet at 4 after she got out of work, and go. I borrowed Hope’s car, and picked her up. We went to the Barnes & Nobles in camp hill. We wandered around a bit. I was a little disoriented at first because I’m used to the Borders across from the mall, and suddenly realized she was following my lead and that we were head straight for the comic book section. The comic book section I knew had a supply of Boondocks books. I steered us out of the way and headed to the Biography and Social Sciences section.
I had realized after talking to her that all though I knew a great deal about the Consciousness Movement (look it up at Wikipedia.com if you don’t know) most of what I knew was from Western Writings. So, at the risk of looking like someone who was simply reading up “his girl’s culture”, I asked her what books she had found to be best.
I felt a little awkward… because while it was something I was already interested in, it looked
(all intents aside) like I was following her around. I decided I didn’t care how it looked, however, and that if anyone asked, I would tell them the truth.
Anyways, when we finally took our seat in the cafe; I had a stack of books ranging in topics from graffiti art to an anthology of the writings of the Black Panthers. We sat their for hours, scarcely speaking a word the entire time, except to comment on the antics of other people in the cafe. It was nice. I stole occasional glances up at her. It was so warm being there with her.
Afterwards, we drove home, and I asked her if she was hungry. I would have taken her to to Bangkok House if she had said but the word, but she looked at me and smiled and said “Burger King. I want Burger King.” I grinned and got us there. I knew it didn’t matter to me; it was the company not the place. I was just glad she didn’t mind either place.
Thursday:
I went with Saxton to Echoes Recording on Thursday, we left at around 10 and got back around 3. We got the piano track for “Of things to come” down, and in MIDI so Todd could remaster it and change the sound any way he saw fit for a richer Baby Grand sound. Saxton was sleepy, so I drove the Crusader all the way there and back. I did have a rather violent connection with a guardrail at one point, however, when I attempted to dodge a chunk of blowout tire on the highway. Fortunately, I was able to recover fine, but not before drawing a nice long scrap across Saxton’s car. He was very nice about it, and said it didn’t matter, but I still felt bad.
When we got back, I found 5 messages on my phone, 2 from Inya. 🙂 I hadn’t expected the journey to Echoes to take quite that long, and hoped to be back in time to meet her after her final but we had run into traffic on the way back.
A bunch of ISA kids had planned a trip to see Lord of the Rings for Thursday night. I said I’d go, but wasn’t sure if Inya wanted to go. So, I told them I would contact Inya. I wasn’t able to get a hold of her, unfortunately, and so by the time I got back I found a message from Inya saying she had somehow found out that “I wouldn’t go unless she went” and said she wanted to go. I realized this was mostly true. I called her back and left her a message; telling her I was basically guilty as charged. She’s a lot fun to watch movies with, so I told her and asked her if she would come and give me a call back. I got off the phone, and Idiki called. Her computer was acting up and asked if I could fix it.
I said sure, and told her to bring it over. She made her way over. Saxton was asleep on the couch because we had practice later that night. I had left my keyboard out in the car, and went outside to get it. Bethany pulls up, asking if I was going to the movie, and if so, to get her my ID. I ran in the house to get it. When I came out again, Hope pulled up with Inya and a couple other girls on their way out somewhere. Hope yelled they’d be back for the movie. Idiki ran up, handed me the laptop, and the bounced into the car with them. Everyone in the car yelled at me asking me where I’d been all day, and I told them I’d been recording. Inya stuck her tongue out at me, obviously miffed I hadn’t let her know, and then flashed me a smile as they drove off.
I stood there in the dark; my keyboard slung over my shoulder, by breath hanging in the air in a mist.
Pagoda had practice later that night. We basically argued about different things. We have much more fun when we’re making music.
We got out at 9, and I went back to the house.
Inya and Idiki were watching The Colour Purple in the living room, and immediately captivated, I sprawled out on the floor and watched it with them.
During a break, I asked Inya if she had gotten my message. She smiled and nodded.
Everyone arrived at around 9:45, and we took off for the movie. I originally opened the door to get in Bethany’s car, but then changed my mind and decided to go with Heather. Inya joined me. It caught me curious… I wasn’t sure if she had switched to sit with me or not.
We got there, and hit a blast of cold air. Inya had told me a story about how she, Victoria and Idiki had been walking between Frey and Kline at school (deemed the “wind tunnel” by the students because of the strong winds that rush between the two) and Victoria had commented that every girl deserved a strong man to hold on to just to make it through that spot.
Facing the wind outside the theatre, Inya remarked simply that Victoria was right. I laughed and put my arm around her.
The movie was spectacular.
Inya sat on my right. I know I don’t need to repeat to those of you who read this regularly that I love watching movies with her. It’s nice. Our elbows just barely touch, close enough to feel the warmth of the other, close enough to say something and know no one else can hear it.
The movie was long, and we ended up driving back quite late.
Inya put her head on my shoulder, and took a nap. Her hair is so soft… I’d never gotten the chance to really feel it; but it’s so soft. She had it in braids pulled back, and it was like a soft pillow under my cheek.
Friday:
Friday was Inya’s birthday.
We both went to work for a while. Sam Samande was supposedly spending the break at my house, and rather than run into him and have some explaining to do, Inya and I agreed it would be better to cook over at Setti’s apartment; where Inya would be staying until we left Saturday. My boss was not at work, so I worked for a while on my own, then went to clean the ceramics lab and transport the remainder of my pots back to my room. I was walking back to my bosses’ office to check up on her again when I saw something. Someone. Someone I did not need to see.
It was her.
I had just left the Rafiki House, walking up the hill towards the speed bump at the top outside the Beck’s house. And there she came.
I wore simple outfit. My jeans which actually fit me well. A pair of SAOs of leather which matched my brown leather jacket. I was smooth shaved save for a goatee and sideburns, a remark yesterday from Inya asking if I would shave. I wore a white t-shirt under a blue striped shirt. The striped shirt Inya had commented on months ago, to my surprise, since it had been picked from a rack at Salvation Army, like most of my clothes. The wind blew my hair, tousled slightly, brushed slightly, the scent I wore of Georgio Armani’s “Gio” washing the sky.
And she came.
It was simply a little silver Honda, crawling it’s way up College Ave, it’s windows almost impermeable to my site. It drew closer, it’s windows less opaque. It cruised effortlessly over the bump.
It was her.
Caroline sat on the passenger side, her father drove. I had known her father well. He recognized me immediately. He smiled. He mouthed the words “Hey, it’s Ben!”. He waved as they passed, leaving me stunned where I stood. I did not need to see her. I didn’t even see the expression on her face; do not know even if she saw me.
I continued dazedly to ITS. Of course my boss was not there.
I returned to the house.
Jason, her brother, was not in the car. They had come to pick him up to take him to Maryland for Christmas.
I sat on the couch in the living room, staring into the sunset; trying to organize my thoughts.
I felt as I had felt when I had journeyed back to Kawawa last Christmas and had chanced upon the house of my former crush. Who now had 3 kids. The feelings were comparable.
I was no longer romantically in love with Caroline. I realized I did not long for her anymore. Even the absence of her reply to my letter did not bother me. It meant the absence of her friendship, and this did not bother me. I had done my best, and she had made her decision.
And yet, seeing her was like seeing Stella. It sent a knife into me at a healed scar, bent an ancient wound into the one angle where it would feel pain again.
I sat on the couch in shock all afternoon. 2 o’clock I had sat there. At 3:30, the silver car made its way up the road, and turned in next door to our mutual friend Mary Long, an elderly lady. I saw them sit in the car for a short bit, and then get out.
Agtur came up to me several times, jumping on the couch and asking what I was up to. I ignored him; not saying a word.
At 5:30, they got in the car and left. I don’t know if they saw me sitting on the couch or not. Caroline drove the way back, and again she was on the opposite side of the car to my position.
5:30. I got up. My bones creaked. I growled and shook away the stiffness. I paced. It was still half an hour until I was to meet Inya in the apartment.
The phone rang. I dashed. It was Inya.
She asked me what I was up to. I said absolutely nothing. She smiled and asked if I was ready to come over. I asked if she was hungry yet. She said not quite. She said I could come over ANYWAYS, if I wanted. I gladly agreed.
I packed up all the cooking things. She mentioned she had never seen Pirates of the Caribbean. I brought over the DVD.
I got there; and she beamed. Nothing could have made me feel better. I cooked up a storm. Oven baked fried chicken, fresh green beans in garlic sauce, baking powder biscuits made from scratch, and baked potatoes. We talked. She sat on the couch for a while, then joined me at the table while I mixed and rolled the biscuits.
She asked me what I had been doing all afternoon, and I told her. I told her the story of Stella, to help her understand how I felt. She comforted me. And then she got my mind off of it.
We watched a movie starring Whoopi Goldberg called “Corrina, Corrina”. It’s a very very good movie. And could have been slightly pointed… but it might also be my imagination.
I think she really liked the movie.
After the movie, I gave her her gifts. I gave her a bowl I had made in ceramics. It was by far my most beautiful bowl, blue with moonlighting on the inside. The foot was not carved, though. And though beautiful, was symbolically unfinished. I also gave her a Boondocks comic book. The others had not yet arrived, even though I had ordered them 4 weeks ago. She was floored, never expecting me to have listened to something she had only mentioned in passing. I had actually begun reading them even before she had mentioned them; and wondered if she knew of them. I also wrote her a poem which I gave to her in a card I made for her. She said she really really like the poem.
I ran back to Rafiki and picked up the DVD player, and we then watched Pirates of the Carribean. The couch was soft, and I rested my head on a pillow next to her. The movie ended, and we just talked. She played with my hair a bit. I love it when people do that. She asked me what scent I was wearing. She said my hair was ridiculously soft. Very wild; she said she liked it that way.
She talked about how Setti had accused her of giving out “church hugs”, which is basically a hug with as little body contact as possible. I remarked I didn’t recall her ever giving me a hug like that. Inya said she had been offended because she hugged very few people. Very very few people. I smiled and said I was happy to be one of those very few.
Inya had been scheduled to take the same train with me for the first leg of my trip on Saturday, but had heard word that Kanke needed someone to stay with her while she recovered from the surgery, and had decided to stay. It was very noble of her to change her plans at such short notice (that day!) and to sacrifice her vacation to Philly for friend. She said she would come with me and Hope Saturday morning anyways, to get her ticket reimbursed.
It was late. I gave her a hug Canadian style (I like big hugs). She commented with a smile that this was no church hug. 🙂 I bid her goodnight. I sang all the way home.
Saturday:
Saturday morning, Fred woke me up. I had missed my alarm, so I scrambled, took a shower, and threw on my clothes. I had packed everything the night before. Inya and Hope showed up. Inya had her bag! Apparently, she had called around to figure out how and when she was supposed to help Kanke out, and had found out Abigail was going to take care of her. So, Inya called her uncle in Philly back and told him she was coming after all.
Selfishly, I was pleasantly surprised. We made it there on time, meeting Fred there, and hopping on the train. The passage from Harrisburg to Philly wasn’t crowded at all, and Inya and I got a quad seat together. We read our books together for a while. I had picked out “The Mis-Education of the Negro” by Woodston to read, and amusingly enough; so had she. We read in silence for a while, and she began to grow sleepy. I offered my shoulder, and she said she was uncomfortable sleeping around strange people. I told her I would stay awake if she would. She accepted my shoulder, and said it wouldn’t matter anyways since she wouldn’t fall asleep.
She promptly fell asleep. (I could tell, because her hand twitched slightly)
She woke up a short while later and I smiled at her. We talked the rest of the way to Philly.
We finally got to Philly station and I gave her a hug and wished her Merry Christmas, then ran to get in the giant line heading in the New York direction.
Fred joined me, and got me a bottle of water while I watched his bags. The train was jammed packed, but Fred and I got seats across a row form each other. Fred’s seatmate got up for the second stop the train made, and remarked that he could probably sell his seat. He walked to the front of the train, and welcomed a black lady to the now vacant seat.
Fred and I glanced at each other, smiled, and got up. We offered two young ladies our seats and resigned ourselves to sitting on the floor in the front of the car. This actually turned out to be more comfortable anyways.
Fred got off at the NYC stop, and the bulk of the train emptied out. I took a seat, and sat next to a fellow I later learned his name was Coco.
Coco had started up a theological discussion with the girl across the aisle from him. I began to interject and help her out a bit; she being a non-denominational Christian and Coco being from a Catholic background; being mostly Filipino. The girl later got off, and I discovered that not only was Coco getting off at the same stop I was, he also was heading towards the same town my grandparents lived, for his grandmother lived there. He was eager to learn the differences between the Catholic and non-denominational faiths, and I was able to clear up a lot of things for him, encouraging to read up on some of the things on his own.
We parted in New London, and I saw him off.
My parents picked me up, and we went to a Christmas Party at my aunt Jo’s.
Sunday:
We went to Church Sunday, and I got to see leagues of people I semi-knew. Being missionaries, I knew very few of the people from my parents home church, though through newsletters and the like; they all knew me.
That night we went to the Cantata put on by the church, bringing my sisters boyfriend Barrett. Barrett is in the process of being interrogated by my parents. I got to know him, he seems like a very nice kid. A little sarcastic at times, but nice. I mentioned on the way home in Naskapi that he might join us for dinner, and my parents agreed.
Monday:
TODAY! I’m finally caught up.
Slept in for the first time since this ordeal began.
And I dreamt for the first time of Inya.
It had been bothering me that I had not dreamt about her yet, it’s kind of rare for me to be this close to a person and not to have dreamt about them.
It was a simple dream, not prophetic. I was entering a cafeteria. It resembled a McDonald’s nestled in a Wal-Mart. I grabbed a tray and began filling it up. I turned around to see Inya sitting at one of the tables, she looked like she was dressed in her Lottie uniform. Her and I used to work together in Lottie. She looked me out of the corner of her eye from under her cap, and beamed at me. I smiled back and approached the counter to get something warmed up for me.
Maricar Geronimo sat at a table right near the counter. Maricar was a very beautiful island girl I had known in my Senior Year at Fitch High school in Connecticut. I knew her very little, save that she was cute. There was a cookie stand on the counter, full of brown cookies save for one white one.
I reached for it, and she remarked she wanted that one. I broke it in half and gave it to her, she broke the half in half, and ate her half. We talked for a little while, then when my meal was ready, I made my way towards Inya, but then woke up before I got there.
I’m not sure exactly what the dream means. It could be a representation that I know very little of Inya (how little I know of Maricar). I could be a representation that I to readily give myself (the cookie) or of how I’ve been broken. Most likely, however, it’s a representation that I feel like Caroline (represented by Maricar) still might have a piece of me, unwilling as I am for her to have it.
It could mean nothing. I’m happy I dreamt, though.
My father was the one who woke me up, and we went to drop off my Aunt Jo at the airport for her journey to Florida. We stopped in Hartford on the way back and ate at a Mom & Pop Pizza shop (Barb’s Pizza, I think). We talked about Barrett, and he remarked how it was usually the responsibility of the son of the family to screen the sister’s boyfriend. I know I’m up for it. He seems like an alright kid so far.
Dad said though he understands me playing in bars and thinks it’s for the large part ok, my Mom still doesn’t completely understand. He encouraged me to talk about it with her.
We went to Wal-Mart with the whole family after that, then came home.
And that wraps up a whole week. This has got to be by far the longest journal entry I’ve ever produced. If you have actually read through this entire thing, let me know. I commend you.
If you have, however, you see why I had to get it down.