Song currently playing: Harry James – All or Nothing at All
Aloha.
The song could also be heart in a blender. Just hit puree.
In talked with Inya again. She doesn’t feel it. She thought about it. It’s not there. I cordially retracted. We still vibe as friends, but I’m not sure how she feels. I think maybe something was hurt. I hope not. If anything at all, I don’t want her hurt. I felt something. She didn’t. I withdrew.
I don’t know.
It hurts.
I told her it wouldn’t.
I told her not to worry about it, and I was convincing enough that she won’t.
Too much, anyways.
I’m stupid.
I talk to much.
I’m still… I don’t know.
I still feel like I should write to Caroline. That in and of itself is enough to give me frayed edges.
And all this, and Nina.
I’m ripping in every place but the seams and it’s painful.
And I’m trying to keep a poker face.
She’s suddenly discovering herself… and it’s beautiful.
I don’t know how to feel, because I’m so emotionally worn… but I want to take care of her.
I want to help her.
And I’m rusting from the inside out.
My pauses, my ends of phrases, the darkness of my eyes… I feel like she might… might feel… that I don’t care.
And I don’t want her to feel that, because I do care.
But I’m so battered from this storm, I’m not sure how much of me is believable anymore.
And at the same time, I don’t want to get to close.
Scratch that, I do.
Too much. I need hugs so bad, but I know if I got one in just the right place I would self destruct. It would be over. Everything would come apart.
That’s not a good idea right now.
I need to repair. I need to physically repair myself right now. Or else I won’t be able to do it again.
Somehow, I feel God still. I don’t know how. He’s helping me out. Somehow. I… just need his help.