Author: benjancewicz

I grew up in Northern Quebec, on the Naskapi First Nation of Kawawachikamach. I’m a graphic artist, illustrator and independent abolitionist. I make artwork. I founded Zerflin. I’ll be your digital maverick, hired gun, and best friend.
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I am Gentle

Photo taken while I was out riding somewhere I ought not have been.

Impact Hub, a coworking space that has a branch in Baltimore, has been flooding their Facebook page with new events. Most of them are educational of some sort, and wanting to get more involved, I signed up for a bunch of them that looked interesting.

The first on my calendar was an event titled “Writing for My Sanity, A Therapeutic Writing Workshop” hosted by Melony Hill. I thought it might be a seminar on writing, or maybe a writers workshop where we’d compare our work. But instead, it was a series of short writing exercises with a focus on mental health. I was surprised, but it was really nice.

The first exercise Melony gave us, was passing out a set of cards, and each of them had some kind of affirmation on them. The first exercise was to write on whether or not we thought the affirmation on the card was true or not. Mine read:

I am gentle, kind, and comforting to my inner child as we uncover and release the old, negative messages from family and society.

Initially, I only read the first portion: “I am gentle, kind, and comforting”. I immediately said this was true. I am gentle. I am kind. I am a comfort. I am constantly described that way by people who are close to me, and so I felt really good about my card.

But then I read further; “comforting my inner child”, and it threw me for a loop. I don’t think that I take care of my inner child very well. I am gentle with and comfort everyone else, but I am hardest on myself.

And then I read some more. “as we uncover…”. We. As we uncover. I don’t think I’d even considered working with my inner child for a long time. And for a moment, I felt him reach out to me. And in that moment, I hugged him.

Family & Distance

When Melony shared about family, the first thing I thought about was “distance”. Everything about the way I think about family now is connected to distance. My parents and my little brother live in an entirely different countr, my sister lives many hours away and travels for her livelihood.

The distance with my family is heightened because of how young I was when I left them for college. Last year, I crested the marker that denotes that I have now spent more time away from my family than I had with them. And it feels lonely. I miss them.

My siblings have become entire adults without me around, and I have grown and hurt and given and moved in ways they are completely unaware. Connections online feel hollow and echoing, but show no signs of becoming anything different. It feels like neither I nor they have the words to bridge the gap. The time we spend together slowly heals this, but it feels like there is so much to do.

Even what I would call my adopted family, the Naskapi people I grew up with, are even more distant my blood family. The distance from them feels even greater not just because of how physically far away they are, but also because of how many of the people I grew up with and loved are now gone. And with every passing of an elder, every suicide or murder or accidental death of an old peer, feels like a piece of me is crumbling away to dust.

But then I remember the family I have built. While I am no longer with my partner, my children are with me. I am building new bonds and growing with them. They are growing with me. We are strong.

I remember the adopted family I have built. The connections with those who love me and who I am friends with now.

Time

The next exercise was a question on a couple of cards, which we had to answer. My question read as so:

What is this feeling that won’t leave me alone; what would I do if I had enough time?

Time is one thing I feel like I have a constant burning desire not to waste. It feels like the most valuable thing I have, so I try to burn it as much as I can. I am constantly shovelling time into the furnace that fuels my creativity; drawing, designing, writing, creating.

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Long Point Beach

I went to the beach today.

And; I know. If you’re thinking “Who the hell goes to the beach in Canada on the last week of December?”, then two things:

1. You clearly haven’t been following me long enough; I do this kind of stuff all the time.

2. It was the warmest day of the week, it wasn’t bad.

My first stop was in the marshlands. They had this tower you could go up and look out from the top of. The sky was mostly overcast, with bits of blue peeking through. And the clouds were moving FAST.
It has rained the night before; which meant that every trace of anything having ever walked on the beach before was erased. It felt like walking on the moon. In the direction the wind was coming from, a thin slice of gold lit up the sky…
Knowing I was truly alone; I let music fill me as I walked. @
jboogiejustin filtered in my earbuds, syncopated with the sounds of the surf and the buffering of the wind.
The coastline was golden and inviting, but dipping my hand in revealed it was anything but. Maybe if I had some heated towels and warms arms waiting for me in the car, I might have risked a swim. But not this time.
The clouds churned as I walked; the band of gold growing wider and wider. I headed south along the beach, knowing it could take me forever. I wasn’t going to get another workout today, so I walked until I got tired.
I found a heavy log nestled among some dune cliffs, and sat to meditate as the light grew.
As I sat, the light exploded around me as the sun shot through the opening in the clouds. Instantly everything felt warmer, and I closed my eyes, basking in its glow. This shot is completely unedited; the colours are exactly as they were.
The sun wasn’t long for this hemisphere; and though this was its first appearance of the day, it was ready to rest. The wind picked up, sending waves chopping upward as the sun lit them. The log was cold all alone, so I left it.
It seemed impossible to take a bad photo at this point, nearly everywhere I went seemed stunning. Walking back took much longer, I kept stopping to drink everything in.
As the sun crested the horizon, the water grew dark and glassy, a mirror refracting the dark swirling clouds above.
As I crossed the dunes, the magic faded behind me, and the sky drew dusky. A rustling caught my attention as I pulled my earbuds out. A red heart lay tangled in the branches of some driftwood. The air grew cold and crisp. I breathed deep and walked on.

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What was he expecting? Moment a Colorado student dressed in Nazi garb and striking a KKK pose is punched in the face by a black student – James Gordon – Daily Mail

A person wearing a military-style jacket with Nazi insignia, including an eagle and SS bolts, stands outside in a suburban neighborhood. Their face is pixelated to obscure their identity. The background shows houses, trees, and a clear sky. Image 2: A child, with their face pixelated for privacy, sits at the edge of a dug-out trench in an outdoor setting. The child is wearing a military-style jacket. Surrounding the trench are scattered tools, debris, and a piece of plywood. Let me know if you'd like any adjustments!

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-6456495/Mountain-Vista-High-School-student-known-wearing-Nazi-garb-punched-face.html?ito=social-twitter_dailymailus

A person wearing a military-style jacket with Nazi insignia, including an eagle and SS bolts, stands outside in a suburban neighborhood. Their face is pixelated to obscure their identity. The background shows houses, trees, and a clear sky.

A black high school student from Colorado has been caught on camera punching a white student known for regularly wearing Nazi garb.

The encounter, which happened in August at the Highlands Ranch school in the town of Mountain Vista, has only just gone viral this week after a Twitter user from Baltimore posted it to his feed.

The video clip only lasts a couple of seconds but it clearly shows one student walking up to the other before delivering a right hook to the other boy’s face sending him tumbling to the floor.  

Nazi-loving kid gets punched in the face by black student in Colorado

Two Mountain Vista High students duked it out in the schoolyard after one of them who was wearing Nazi regalia struck a pose symbolic of the Ku Klux Klan.

Both pupils have since been charged with crimes. 

A child, with their face pixelated for privacy, sits at the edge of a dug-out trench in an outdoor setting. The child is wearing a military-style jacket. Surrounding the trench are scattered tools, debris, and a piece of plywood.

In the video, the white student, wearing a military green jacket, was doing a T-pose, a popular meme in gaming, but one that ‘some people say has been used by the KKK to represent a burning cross,’ Lt. Lori Bronner, Douglas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman, said to the Denver Post. 

The black student then confronted him, daring him to continue the pose, Bronner said.

In the clip, the two students are seen walking side by side in a courtyard area as dozens of others sat on tables and benches during a break.

As the Black student appeared to walk away, he suddenly spun back around and punched the white student in the face, sending him tumbling to the ground

The black student was then seen to suddenly punch the white student in the face. 

Seconds later, the white student got up and picked up a landscaping rock which he tried to throw at the other student, but missed.   

Police gave further details about the incident saying the student who threw the punch chased down the freshman in the military jacket. The black student is then alleged to have kicked him as the student lay curled up on the ground. 

The white student then called the black teen a racial slur.

Security arrived soon after and broke up the fight.

Both students were charged with harassment and disorderly conduct while the white student was charged with criminal attempted assault and the black student with assault.  

There were no hate crime charges filed, however both students were suspended for a period of time. 

The fight video is just the latest in a string of hate-based incidents happening inside the halls of Colorado schools.

‘Incidents are up,’ said Jeremy Shaver, associate regional director for the Colorado Anti-Defamation League. ‘As we’ve seen an increase of incidents in Colorado since 2015, the percentage in schools has also increased.’

The school has said that the white student was wearing a green jacket but that it did not have any Nazi insignias on display, although students at the school say the student was known for wearing the jacket complete with Nazi regalia and regularly posting such garb on social media. 

 A review of the student’s Instagram reveals numerous pictures of him wearing Nazi uniforms and striking provocative poses. 

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Black Colorado Student Charged with Assault After Punching White Student Doing Doing KKK-Themed Pose – Tanasia Kenney – Atlanta Black Star

The image shows a brown Nazi uniform featuring a red armband with a black swastika inside a white circle, a symbol of the Nazi party. The person wearing the uniform also has an Iron Cross medal on the chest, indicating a military decoration.
Black Colorado Student Charged with Assault After Punching White Student Doing Doing KKK-Themed Pose

It’s been three months since two Colorado students duked it out in the schoolyard after one of them who was known for wearing Nazi regalia struck a pose symbolic of the Ku Klux Klan at school, but the incident has regained national attention after video of the fight went viral this week.

According to The Denver Post, a Twitter user from Baltimore shared the clip on his timeline Friday, where it quickly circulated the social media site.

The image shows a brown Nazi uniform featuring a red armband with a black swastika inside a white circle, a symbol of the Nazi party. The person wearing the uniform also has an Iron Cross medal on the chest, indicating a military decoration.

The fight, which occurred in August, unfolded during lunch period at Mountain Vista High School in Highlands Ranch, Colo., when a white student wearing a green military-style jacket was doing the “T-pose.” The pose is popular among avid video gamers to show dominance but historically has also been used by the Ku Klux Klan to represent a burning cross, according to Douglas County Lt. Lori Bronner.

Bronner told NBC 26 an African-American student saw the white student doing the pose and walked over to confront him. The Black student then spat on the white student, after which the white student replied in kind.

As the Black student appeared to walk away, he suddenly spun back around and punched the white student in the face, sending the freshman tumbling to the ground. The white student managed to get up, however, grab a landscaping rock and hurl it at the Black student, authorities said. He missed.

In the video, the Black student is seen chasing after the teen in the military jacket and repeatedly kicking him as the student curls up into a ball on the ground. At some point during the attack, Bronner said the white student called the Black student a racial slur.

It wasn’t long before security arrived to break up the fight.

“We’ve had no other situations like this,” Bronner told NBC 26, adding that these types of incidents are rare.

It was just last month, however, that a racial slur was found scrawled on the school’s gymnasium wall. The racist graffiti was a combination of the N-word and “igloo.” Karl Coleman, one of the few African-American coaches at the predominately white high school, said he felt the vandalism was aimed at them and criticized school leadership for its handling of the situation.

“I thought it was racist,” Coleman told Fox Denver at the time. “All the Black coaches there thought it was racist.”

The August fight left the Black student facing charges of assault, harassment and disorderly conduct, a spokesperson for the sheriff’s office said. Meanwhile, the white student was charged with harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal attempted assault. Neither student was charged with a hate crime.

“Principal Michael Weaver told parents that there was an altercation between two students,” Paula Hans, spokesperson for the Douglas County School District, told The Denver Post. “The administration worked with the students and families directly involved as well as the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office.”

School officials said the white student was wearing a military jacket at the time, however, it did not have any Nazi markings on it.

Students interviewed by the newspaper said the white student is known for wearing Nazi symbols, and a review of the student’s Instagram account revealed multiple photos of him sporting Nazi uniforms.

It’s unclear if either student was suspended or expelled following the incident.

Watch more in the clip below.

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STUDENT KNOWN TO DRESS UP AS NAZI PUNCHED IN THE FACE BY BLACK STUDENT – Ebony Magazine

Student Known to Dress up as Nazi Punched in The Face by Black Student

Video of a Black high school student in Colorado punching a White student, who’s known for wearing Nazi attire, has gone viral on Twitter. 

The incident, which occurred in August at Mountain Vista High School in Highlands Ranch, a suburb of Denver, began after the White student allegedly struck a T-pose in which a person demonstrates dominance, Douglas County Sheriff’s Office’s Lt. Lori Bronner told Denver’s ABC 7. 

“Some people say it has been used by the KKK to represent a burning cross,” she told The Denver Post. 

According to Bronner, the Black student confronted the other student for the pose and spit on him, and the White student spat back. The Black high schooler walked away but came back and punched the White student in the face. 

Bronner said that the White student, who is seen wearing a green jacket in the video, picked up a rock and threw it at the Black student but missed.

“We’ve had no other situations like this,” said Bronner. 

Both students were arrested; the Black student was charged with assault while and the White student was charged with harassment and disorderly conduct.

“Principal Michael Weaver told the parents that there was an altercation between two students,” Paula Hans, spokeswoman for the Douglas County School District, told the Post. “The administration worked with the students and families directly involved as well as the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office.”

Earlier reports claimed that the White student had Nazi symbols on his green jacket but that the badge was not on his coat during the incident in August. Students told the Post that the teen had worn the symbols on his jacket before and reporters confirmed that he had posted images on Instagram of him wearing a Nazi uniform.

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Viral video shows Mountain Vista High School student known for wearing Nazi garb being punched in the face by a black student – Sam Tabachnik – The Denver Post

The image shows a military uniform jacket from World War II, featuring Nazi insignia, including the eagle and swastika emblem on the chest and various other patches and decorations. The style and symbols indicate it is a German Wehrmacht or similar uniform.
Viral video shows Mountain Vista High School student known for wearing Nazi garb being punched in the face by a black student

A previously unreported video of a black Mountain Vista High School student punching a white student known for wearing Nazi garb has gone viral this week even though the incident happened in August, leaving the school system once again addressing a hate incident on campus.

The fight video is just the latest in a string of hate-based incidents happening inside the halls of Colorado schools.

“Incidents are up,” said Jeremy Shaver, associate regional director for the Colorado Anti-Defamation League. “As we’ve seen an increase of incidents in Colorado since 2015, the percentage in schools has also increased.”

Video of the fight at the Highlands Ranch school rocketed around social media this week after a Twitter user from Baltimore posted it to his feed. The Denver Post is not publishing the video because it depicts two juveniles, who since have been charged with crimes.

In the video, the white student, wearing a military green jacket, was doing a T-pose, a popular meme in gaming, but one that “some people say has been used by the KKK to represent a burning cross,” Lt. Lori Bronner, Douglas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman, said. The black student confronted him, daring him to continue this pose, Bronner said.

Next, the two students were walking side by side in a courtyard area as dozens of others milled about. Then, the black student abruptly punched the white student in the face. After a few seconds, the white student got up, picked up a landscaping rock and threw it at the other student. He missed.

Police said the student who threw the punch chased down the freshman in the military jacket, kicking him as the student curled up on the ground. At some point in the incident, Bronner said, the white student called the black teen a racial slur. Security arrived soon after and broke up the fight.

Both students were arrested, Bronner said. The white student was charged with harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal attempt assault, while the other student was charged with assault, harassment and disorderly conduct. There were no charges of a hate crime, Bronner said.

The school said the white student was wearing a green jacket but that it did not sport Nazi insignias. Students from Mountain Vista said this student was known for wearing this green jacket complete with Nazi regalia. A review of the juvenile’s Instagram account shows multiples pictures of him wearing Nazi uniforms.

Paula Hans, spokeswoman for the Douglas County School District, said the school “communicated out to parents, and the incident was handled at the time.”

“Principal Michael Weaver told the parents that there was an altercation between two students,” Hans said. “The administration worked with the students and families directly involved as well as the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office.”

The school would not say whether either student was suspended or expelled.

This is not the first hate-based incident at Mountain Vista High School — or in Colorado — in recent months.

In late September, racist graffiti was spray-painted on a gym wall at Mountain Vista. African-American football coaches said at the time that they believed it was directed at them.

At the Kent Denver School in Cherry Hills Village in early November, students found a swastika scrawled on bathroom stall.

That same week, students at Eaglecrest High School in Centennial found racist, anti-Semitic and homophobic graffiti in one of their bathrooms.

The Colorado Anti-Defamation League does not break down incidents by school, but overall antisemitic incidents in the state tripled between 2015 and 2017, Shaver said. There were 57 incident in 2017, up from 18 in 2015.

“Incidents in schools tend to be on the lower level, vandalism, swastikas drawn on school property and verbal or written harassment,” Shaver said.

In 2017, anti-Semitic incidents at K-12 schools nationwide increased to 457 from 235 in 2016, a 94 percent bump, according to a national audit by the Anti-Defamation League.

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A Colorado student in a Nazi jacket was punched in the face by a black peer. Both have been charged – Oscar Contreras – Denver 7 ABC

The image features the logo of Denver7 ABC, a news station, with the text "LIVE 24/7 NEWS + WEATHER" at the bottom. The background shows a blurred image of a camera setup, giving the visual a professional broadcast feel.

https://www.denver7.com/news/national/a-colorado-student-in-a-nazi-jacket-was-punched-in-the-face-by-a-black-peer-both-have-been-charged

HIGHLANDS RANCH, Colo. – It’s been three months since a black student in Colorado reportedly punched a white student wearing a Nazi jacket in the face, but the incident has only come to light after a video of the fight went viral this week.

The Denver Post reported Friday a Twitter user from Baltimore posted the video to his feed, which spread like wildfire on the social media website.

The fight, which happened in August, began at lunch break in front of Mountain Vista High School in Highlands Ranch, Colorado, when the white student in the Nazi jacket was doing a T-pose, which is a popular meme among gamers to demonstrate dominance or power, said Lt. Lori Bronner with the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office.

Historically, some members of the Ku Klux Klan have used the pose to “represent a burning cross,” Bronner told KMGH.

Bronner said the black student saw the white student doing the T-pose and went up to confront him. They exchanged words and the black student spit on the white student, at which point the white student did the same to the black student.

The black student then briefly walked away but returned to confront the white student once again before punching him in the face, causing the student to fall to the ground, according to Bronner.

She said the student wearing the green Nazi jacket then got up, grabbed a rock and threw it at the black student, missing him.

According to Bronner, the student who threw the punch then ran after his peer and kicked him after he fell to the ground. She said the student in the Nazi jacket curled into a protective, fetal position while calling the black teen a racial slur.

Shortly afterward, a third student and staff members separated the two boys.

“We’ve had no other situations like this,” said Bronner, adding this type of disputes are very rare.

Bronner said the black student was charged with assault for punching and kicking the white student, and was also charged with harassment and disorderly conduct.

The white student, Bronner said, was charged with harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal attempted assault for throwing a landscaping rock at the black student.

No one was charged with a hate crime.

KMGH reached out to Douglas County Schools for comment. Paula Hans, a public information officer for DCSD, said she could not discuss specifics on any given student’s disciplinary actions, only saying “a student is not allowed per DCSD dress code policy to wear anything that is offensive or disruptive to the learning environment.”

When asked if the white student’s jacket had any Nazi markings, Hans only said the principal at Mountain Vista High School informed her that there were “no markings on the jacket.” 

According to the Denver Post,students said the white teenager was known for wearing the green jacket complete with Nazi regalia. A review by a newspaper reporter of the juvenile’s Instagram account shows multiples pictures of him wearing Nazi uniforms.

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WATCH: White high school student in Nazi jacket gets punched by black classmate – Noor Al-Sibal – Raw Story

The image on the left shows a physical altercation at what appears to be a school, where one student is punching another student near a picnic bench, with a group of bystanders watching. The right side shows a teen in a selfie, wearing a Nazi uniform jacket with visible SS insignia, though the face is pixelated to obscure identity. The incident relates to a controversial event involving the Nazi attire.

https://www.rawstory.com/2018/11/watch-white-high-school-student-nazi-jacket-gets-punched-black-classmate

The image on the left shows a physical altercation at what appears to be a school, where one student is punching another student near a picnic bench, with a group of bystanders watching. The right side shows a teen in a selfie, wearing a Nazi uniform jacket with visible SS insignia, though the face is pixelated to obscure identity. The incident relates to a controversial event involving the Nazi attire.
A white teen wearing a Nazi uniform jacket is punched by a black classmate in Colorado (left via screenshot)) and the student posing in the jacket (right, via Instagram).

A viral video filmed inside a Denver high school shows a white student wearing a Nazi uniform jacket getting punched by his black classmate— and research into the white student’s background showed he posed with other anti-Semitic memorabilia.

The Denver Post reported that the video shared by Baltimore-based graphic designer Benjamin Jancewicz was shot in August at Mountain Vista High School in the Denver suburbs.

In the video, which was recorded on Snapchat and set to LL Cool J’s 1990 hit “Mama Said Knock You Out” to preserve the anonymity of the students, the black teen is seen punching his white classmate in the head.

The Denver Post reported that the white student was recorded doing a “T-pose,” a gaming meme that Lt. Lori Bronner, Douglas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman, said has been associated with “the KKK to represent a burning cross.”

The report and Jancewicz both noted that the white student called his black classmate a racial slur, though it’s unclear if he said it before or after the student punched him. The student in the Nazi jacket then reportedly tried to throw a rock at the other teen, who later kicked him while he was on the ground.

Bronner said both students were arrested and charged in relation to the fight — the white student with “harassment, disorderly conduct and criminal attempt assault” and the black student with “assault, harassment and disorderly conduct.”

Jancewicz noted on Twitter that Mountain Vista High School had its share of problems in the past, including racist graffiti that was directed at black coaches at the school.

The school also was home to two students who plotted to “recreate Columbine” there as well, the graphic designer noted on Twitter.

Jancewicz said he was sent social media profiles said to belong to the white student in the Nazi jacket that show his apparent fixation with Nazi symbolism and memorabilia.

In the photos and videos the Baltimore designer posted, the teen described by the Denver Post as a high school freshman is seen posing with a flag bearing an Iron Cross and a Soviet flag and wearing the same jacket he appeared to be wearing in the video.

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About Relationships

There’s a website called Curious Cat which allows people to ask you anonymous questions. I signed up for a profile a while back, and occasionally go on to answer what people have asked me.

Most of the questions are pretty simple, but sometimes they go really deep. My answer turned into a mini-essay, so I’ve distilled it here.

Are you in a rush to get back to a relationship?

Yes. No.

I realized the other day that I’ve never in my life been purposefully single. I don’t know how to feel about that. It shook me up a lot a bit and like so much that’s been happening lately, really rattled me off track.

When I was in high school, I always wanted a girlfriend. I was daydreaming and fantasizing about just holding someone close.

It never happened.

When I look back and try to remember those times, it feels like a long, intense, ache.

When I moved to the states after graduation, something shook me loose. I took an extra year of high school to mitigate some of the culture shocks of moving from the village to the States.

I was popular for the first time ever, but not as a typically handsome jock teenager. I was rough, wild, aloof; I reinvented myself as a class clown and rapidly built a long list of meaningful but shallow friendships. But the girl I had a crush on was the one thing I wasn’t able to relax about.

I tensed up, was awkward, and instead of being wild and aloof, I was a brooding piano-playing poet. I couldn’t pull off the suaveness that later attracted her to someone else.

After my extra year of high school in the states, I left for college, losing ties with every last one of the list of friends. Freshman year was tough, but I eventually found a tribe of people who I felt at home with. I gave up on love, and on being able to satisfy the ache.

I fell into a relationship. One of the many girls I had a crush on kissed me out of the blue, and it turned into a 2-year relationship.

I was happy.

But I tried everything in my power to make sure that ache never came back. She didn’t see a future with me and one day cut off all connection with me.

I was broken.

I tried staying away from relationships for two years. My friends pulled and pushed me to leave my room. I had girls I had serious crushes on. But either they didn’t want to move forward, or I didn’t. The ache was cacophonous. It drove me mad. I was miserable and played it off while being wild.

I became best friends with a girl I had a crush on, but then let the crush go.

We did everything together.
She kissed me.
We were married for 12 years.

I was happy.

I did everything in my power to make sure that ache never came back. She wasn’t. I was too immature to separate what she was dealing with from my own issues. My own scars and my own aches made things worse.

I ended it.

For the first time in almost a decade and a half, I feel truly alone. So much of my purpose was wrapped up in the relationship, in making sure she was ok, in making sure we were good, in running toward the horizon and fighting for us.
And that’s gone.

Now I’m supposed to wield all that energy and intensity and pour it onto myself and help myself heal and grow. But most of the time it feels hollow. That ache feels like it is all I ever feel anymore, and sometimes it feels like it will swallow me whole.

Glimpses and possibilities of relationships peek through the haze, and though the crushes are rising up again, I’m petrified of them. I’m scared of messing it all up. I’m scared of the ache coming back even more. I’m scared that I’m too broken. I’m scared I haven’t healed properly.

So. Am I in a rush to get back into a relationship?

Yes. I want to feel that glow again. I want someone to give to. I want to be held.

No. I am tender and sore. I have an ache that would swallow you. I haven’t grown enough. I’m unstable. And I’m really afraid of being hurt.

There are even people close to me who want to help, who want to ease me along with the healing, and I’m afraid of overloading them and crushing them.

I’m even afraid of answering questions like this, afraid of what my own reflection will look like as I unearth it.

Some days I feel good. I feel loved, and feel secure, and feel like I’m actually growing and healing.

Then there are days like today, where I feel like I’m disintegrating in a heap of flames. I’ll probably feel better tomorrow. After I get some real rest. But right now I feel fragile.

Do you still believe in marriage?

Not in the way I did.

It’s a patriarchal mess of a tradition that was designed to put women into bondage. It only works if we check in on each other every year. Open a time capsule of memories. Reminisce. Make new promises. Make sure we keep them.

To be honest, even thinking about marriage wears me out. I don’t even know how to date. Like, all my relationships were friendships that turned into something else. I’ve never dated, I have to figure out how the hell it works. I don’t even know if I’m ready.

I have to trust that it will get better. That I won’t collapse in on myself. That the friends who are close to me are right, that I will eventually be ok. That I’ll get through this. That I’ll feel whole. That love will come.

For now, all I have is the ache.

What’s the benefit/virtue of purposefully being single?

I really honestly do not know. Better knowledge of the self? But I never felt like I didn’t know myself when I was in a relationship. But maybe that was blindness.

What’s next? By that I mean, what do you want the next part of your story (outside of a relationship) to look like and what steps to get to that?

I really have no idea. And it scares me. I don’t know what being a bachelor looks like. What going solo looks like I’ve got my own goals. Dreams. Things I want to do, ways I want to move. …I just always wanted someone to share it with me.

Do you still believe in love?

No matter what happens to me, I will never not believe in love. Either I’m especially foolish or just loveblind. That’s never going away.

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It’s a new dawn; it’s a new day.

Dragonfly out in the sun,
You know what I mean.
Butterflies all havin’ fun,
You know what I mean.
Sleep in peace when the day is done,
That’s what I mean.
And this old world,
Is a new world,
And a bold world,
For me.

—Nina Simone

Today is the first day I live as someone who is divorced.

Though it was years in the making, the process ended with a quick thunderclap. I worried about it, and like most things I worry about, I tried doing research into how divorce worked. But I couldn’t find anyone who could tell me what the process was like.

My ex and I got up early, took the kids to school, and headed to the courts. We stopped to get our Separation Agreement notarized at a small mailbox shop on the way, and picked up some Dunkin Donuts. It felt like rocks in my gut, but I forced myself to eat. I knew going in on an empty stomach would have been worse.

Baltimore courthouses are in a cluster just Northeast of the harbour, and because they’re all together, we didn’t know exactly which one to go to. A friendly sheriff helped us in the right direction, across the street from where we thought we were to be.

It was odd being there; it was the same courthouse that I had done many protests at, where my friend Randy Gloss had been arrested, where Keith Davis Jr.’s court hearing was… it was strange.

We went in and the sheriff in charge of scanning people with the metal detector was barking at everyone, clearly having a miserable morning. I stuffed all of my electronics and my belt into my jacket so that it would be easier to get through. But then he told me I HAD to wear my jacket. I fumbled everything back out and got through.

3 massive LCD screens bolted to the wall had the names of everyone who was assigned to hearings for the day, and what room they were meant to report to. However, though the list was sorted by name, not all the cases were by last time. Ours was by first. My ex finally saw where we were supposed to go, and we got in line to board the ancient elevators to the third floor.

The courtroom was different than I expected; beautiful art-deco-brutalist woodwork, punctuated by technological additions like CCTVs and mics and something that looked like an XBOX motion scanner. It was cozy, with paned windows lining one wall looking out over a roof; it felt like a small chapel. Several other people were already in the room, but nobody sat together. We took a pew together in the front.

Immediately, the court clerk asked if I had provided the proof of how I had done the calculations for the child support figures I had put down. My heart sank. Though I’d gone over everything in painstaking detail, the tool used to calculate the figures wouldn’t print. I’d saved a copy on my computer but didn’t have it with me. Fortunately, I remembered all the numbers and managed to fill it out on my phone.

There were several cases before ours, which felt awkward. We watched several divorces play out in different ways in front of us; couple’s heartwrenching moments playing out feet in front of us. A couple in which one parent almost lost child custody because they were 30 minutes late, who then argued with the magistrate. A couple who had been married for over 25 years, who were battling over the deed to a house in foreclosure. And then… it was our turn.

After verifying the pronunciation of our name a bunch of times, I asked about a law that had just gone into effect in Maryland. Starting October 1st, a full year of separation is no longer required for a Mutual Consent Divorce. Though I understand the goal of the original law; to make sure that a couple had a waiting period before they rushed into a divorce, the law essentially made it a tax on the poor. Couples who couldn’t afford a second residence (like us) really could not get a Mutal Consent Divorce, because housing is so expensive.

The magistrate said we did qualify, but that we’d have to file an addendum, which we could do right then and there at the clerk’s office downstairs. We went down, filled out the paperwork, and came back up. The magistrate wanted time to look over our separation agreement while we did that.

I had put in a lot of research and time into the separation agreement, and my ex and I worked through the details in minute ways. It’s an odd thing; it is essentially a set of compromises between a couple that gets solidified into law when a couple gets divorced. It details out things like child custody, alimony, child support, dividing up debt and assets, and a bunch of other stuff.

The magistrate spent a good amount of time on it, carefully questioning us about every detail, making sure we both consented to every line item. I started to feel odd; why was she doing all this? I thought that this was just supposed to be a scheduling meeting so we could come in later…

She kept going, and then finished up with “very good, you’ll get a certificate in the mail.” I was confused. I raised my hand. “You mean we don’t have to come back to court?” Had this just happened? She smiled. “Not unless you really want to.”

Though the change in the law had happened a week earlier, we were the first case she’d seen it actually play out. Normally it takes months between filing and your first court appearance, so nobody had even applied for this new method. We were on of the fastest divorces the magistrate had ever seen. “I see the worst of people in here,” she said, “you two actually have your stuff together.”

We walked out, shell-shocked. We talked about a few things as we made our way back to the car, but I don’t remember any of it. Had this just actually happened? It felt sudden. Unrushed, but quick. We’d done all the work. It was over.

It felt like a tooth that had been waiting to come out for a long time. That needed to come out. And now that it was finally out, it was good. But also a deeply strange feeling.

I was exhausted. The weight of everything hit me all at once; slamming into me like a cold front rushing down the mountains. The pain was gone, but the labor it took to make everything work, to make everything just right, the mental preparedness I had to do just to get through it… the release of that was overwhelming.

Divorce is not something I had ever wanted. But it was something that was necessary. I knew it had to be done. It had been a last resort; a way that finally allows healing I needed, to grow in the ways I needed to grow, to protect the kids, to be able to be who I needed for them.

As I woke up today, everything felt different. I stepped outside; the entire sky was lit up in gold. The sun peeking through the limbs of the trees on the horizon. The air was cool, crisp. It is the first day that felt like fall.

It is a new day.