Author: benjancewicz

Mood: Relaxed .: Mellow Inside :.
Listening to: .: Anthony Hamilton – My First Love :.
Reading: .: Everything but the Burden :.
Watching: .: Hunt for Red October :.

Aloha!

Cooked lunch for Tamika today, just mac & cheese & hot dogs, and then we just hung out in the living room. I played keyboard until she fell asleep, and then when my hands got too tired I fell asleep on the rug. It was a nice nap. It’s been snowing here, we got like a half a foot. It was warm inside, though, and the sun came in for a while and baked us.

Talked to Inya online a bit; she stayed in Christine’s apartment (where she’s been staying over break) and studied all day. I told her to look me up if she wanted a study break.

I worked all day on the SIFE report, I now have everything done except the back page. I’ll be completely done tomorrow. I’m not sure exactly when my parents are coming, we’re supposed to go over to my host parents house this weekend.
I’m going to bring my laptop. There is a lot of writing I’ve been saving up to do.

Patty came over this evening. I was going to watch Hunt For Red October, but no one wanted to watch it with me. So Patty and I talked in the kitchen and ate popcorn. We talked a bit about what she’s been going through & dealing with crushes, and then about me an Inya a bit, and then about how I’ve been changing so much.

I haven’t been changing in personality, but of roots. I’m realizing why I am the way I am.

Mood: Relaxed .: Steel Inside :.
Listening to: .: EPMD – Strictly Business :.
Reading: .: Everything but the Burden :.
Watching: .: Pearl Harbor :.

Aloha.

Life is interesting.
Let’s divide this up.
Inya: I don’t know. Sometimes it’s warm, sometimes it’s cold, most of the time it’s Luke. It doesn’t bother me, because I’m relearning not to rely on friends again. I was wrong to thing that my history would make that automatic, especially when she stepped away and I realized how much I was leaning on her.
It was tough learning to trust God again, but I’m relearning painfully. So yeah, she’s been back and forth, but I’m able to still be a friend and not be affected (too much).

School: I am down to 6 credits. After taking 18 credits almost every semester since I got here, it feels good to take a break. and it’s been giving me the chance to do a lot more extracurricular stuff.

Extracurricular: I’m in Gospel Choir, International Choir, Pagoda, Mime Team, African Dancers, Bible Study music, a bunch of other things I can’t recall at the moment.

Consciousness: I’m Native American. That’s all there is to it. I cannot relate to the average American. I find that the more I find out about them, the less comfortable I am. And the more I find out about the history of my people, the more I relate and want to fight for them.
Native Americans have a lot to offer to this society, but get steamrolled. I’ve been relating to the movements by a lot of minority groups.

Gospel choir: We went on tour of NYC two weekends ago. That Rocked. Tamika, one of the soloist in Gospel Choir have become closer friends. We met her when I first came as a freshman engineer. I’m not sure how we met, but we became friends. Didn’t see each other for a while, beyond the occasional “hi”. We hung out bit over the tour. I made her Vietnamese Pho for her birthday last Monday. I think she liked it. We’re planning to go see Alicia Keys in concert later on.

Oie, gotta get to bed.

Mood: Relaxed .: Springs Inside :.
Listening to: .: Black Star – Respiration :.
Reading: .: The Black Panthers Speak :.
Watching: .: One T – Magic Key :.

Thinking….

I need sleep. I need to rest. It has been a LONG time since I wrote a journal entry.

Mood: Relaxed .: Springs Inside :.
Listening to: .: Black Star – Respiration :.
Reading: .: The Black Panthers Speak :.
Watching: .: One T – Magic Key :.

So…

I saw Inya today.

Today was the first day of classes. I got up at 9, slapped on Linkin Parks’ Reanimation, did push ups, crunches, and lifts, and took a shower when I got tired (I gotta get into better shape).
Set out, returned some library books, checked out a book, went to talk to James Hubbard (head of Internationals at college).
Had a good talk with him about the college’s plan to do outsourcing. Messiah College is currently looking at outsourcing, which is basically hiring out outside companies to do work on campus (like food services, printing, etc.). Services such as these are currently the only employer of international students. If they don’t have that, they can’t work PERIOD. It’s already bad enough that due to the laws of this country they can’t work outside college. James is worried. They rejected it this time, but chances are (the way Messiah goes) they do another review, and eventually a company will offer them an offer they can’t refuse. No international student is going to stay here if they can’t work; that’s their main income. It ain’t cheap sending a daughter or son across the ocean AND pay for school. Especially with terrible exchange rates. And if there are no international students, James has no job. I wrote a letter to the Provost (VP) to find out some more information.
Class started at 12, Modern Art. It’s the one class I have the option of dropping; I don’t need it. It’s interesting, but the books are mad expensive.
Took an hour break and checked on my computer labs, then at 3 went to Computer Graphics & Multimedia. I’m going to love this class. We’re going to learn FLASH. 🙂
After that, had a half our break, so I ran home to get some food.
I got a message from Titus, telling me Gospel Singers was going to meet at 5:30. I looked at the clock. It was 5:30. I had a class at 6. I knew I’d see him at United Voices of Praise (Gospel Choir), so I ate some dinner and went to class.
Senior Seminar sucks. I hate it. It’s a board of professors and all the Senior art majors, and we get our projects reviewed. It took too long, and was a pain. They liked my project (which is a music video for Pagoda) and I ducked out so I could go to Gospel Choir at 9.
Gospel Choir rocked, the bass section is really coming together. I’m exceptionally proud of that, because I’m the leader, and Gospel music does not traditionally have a bass section. We’re going to be singing at the Capitol on Thursday, and we’re going to be on TV!
I talked to Titus, and he said he might change the practice to another day, because Niambi can’t meet Mondays either.
Allen said he’d e-mail with the songs they went over so I can practice on my own.
Inya waited for me. 🙂
I think being her friend might be easier than I thought. I still need to be on my guard, though.
I walked her to her room and we talked the whole way.
She said she may be joining the mime team, which is interesting, because I was going to do the same thing.

Mood: Upset .: Burning Inside :.
Listening to: .: Lina – I’m not the Enemy :.
Reading: .: The Black Panthers Speak :.
Watching: .: You Got Served :.

It burns, a molten torch in my chest.
I’m still alive, though. I’m still working on myself. It does not hurt bad.
Ok, that’s a lie. It hurts like nothing else. But I must not use her gentleness to salve my wounds. It’s interesting… she appears the hard girl to everyone else, shooting them down with a simple look. But she is gentle to me. It’s not a matter of the eye of the beholder. It’s a change in actions.
If I use that, I’m only hurting myself. Filling myself with empty feelings. Surreptitiously received love is as vacant as the living room after a night’s passion. I’d be using her for affection, while she’d be using me for appreciation. And if anything physical happened, even a kiss, I would take it wrong. I need to appreciate her as a friend, stop calling her every day, stop visiting her all the time. Give her time to think. Give myself time to think.

I need to explore my options, and I ALSO need not to let the affections of others repair my damages either. I need to fix myself, spend more time with God, and revamp.
What a way to start a semester.
It’s hard, because Inya has such a powerful effect on me. She calms me like nothing else. Maybe I should be more discerning when I take advantage of that.
It’s going to be a long withdrawal, when I fall in love I fall deep.

I went out to see “You got Served” today. The story line was terrible. The acting was worse. The dancing was OFF THE CHAIN. I’m tellin’ you right now, there ain’t any other movie out there with dancing this good. Especially at the end. It was entertaining. Not sure it was 5$ worth, but it was nice to get off campus. I went with Idiki and Hope. I invited Inya. I would have been a crumb not to. She is STILL my best friend. This is going to be interesting. And very very hard.
Inya still isn’t feeling so great from her cough, so she didn’t come.

Oie. I wish life wasn’t so hard. It would be shady if it was easy, but this is too much. I need someone to talk to. I think too much, and then when I tell Inya as a friend, I inevitably end up telling her too much. No one can deal with that, especially when I’m discovering myself. All 4 voices have different opinions. I need to work out which is the strongest before I talk to anyone.

Mood: Upset .: SomethinInside :.
Listening to: .: India.Arie & Stacy Kent :.
Reading: .: The Black Panthers Speak :.
Watching: .: The Killing Fields :.

And suddenly I realize I am someone.
It is only half sudden, a slow process which has been with me since the first time I arrived on the reservation. When I first looked across the earthen ditch from Noah Einish’s house… seeing Unaam and Washaigin Natawappio… They nodded their heads at me. You look them dead in the eyes, and jerk your head up, all the while holding the gaze. Some liken it to the “male nod” that is common among distant acquaintances of the male sex down here in the states, but the feeling is distinctly different up there. And I nodded back. At that instant, a million things happened, an immediate acceptance and rejection. A sudden realization that I would become Naskapi and that at the same time I would never be truly accepted by them.
And so who am I?
I am a white boy. A son of a Polish family, a son of an Irish family, both on the bottom rungs of the white social ladder. All eight of my great-grandparents had tasted their native soil, giving up their home for the promise of a better life in America. And when they arrived here, they had done their best to melt, as was the custom, into the pot which would embrace them. By the time my parents came around, they spoke nothing of their mother tongue.
And yet I am more than that. I am Naskapi. Raised in three ways; by my parents, by the Naskapi children, and by the Naskapi elders. The children taught me to fight, by beating the snot out of me. Ridiculing me in school, dashing any dreams I had when they dashed my face into the cold gravel outside the playground. They taught me to change, to adapt everything save the very core of me; I could, if I had been able to change the appearance of my face (that’s all that matters in a land where -40 is common) I could have passed off as Montognais or Naskapi. I already had great fun in passing off as Quebecquois whenever I met someone who did not know who I was. The elders taught me how to deal with their children. Lord knows my parents didn’t know what do about that one. The elders taught me what it was like to go out in the bush and listen to the world around you. How to look across a clearing and see 15 invisible ptarmigan hiding in a bush. How to listen to the Creator and how He longs to listen to you. They taught me the corruptions that had caused the problems in their children; they brought me up as their own. And my parents? My parents taught me of God and smacked me when I chameleoned so much I lost my core set of morals, and set me back on track.
And yet I am more than that.
I have discovered I also taught myself. I read thousands of books from my parents’ library, and from the library at school. I became bent on becoming everything I could be. I became entranced with learning, with wisdom, with teaching myself about love, politics, society, philosophy, ethics, morals, scripture. I studied great works of literature. I began modeling myself after protagonists. Tom Swift. Ishmael. King David. Edmond Dantez. King Solomon. Sherlock Holmes. I studied famous people in history, and modeled myself after them. Thomas Edison. Leonardo DaVinci. Walt Disney. Copernicus. India Arie. Plato. I studied the dictators and oppressors of mankind, in hopes I could learn from them so I would not become like them. The most evil people ever have been self-appointed dictators who were geniuses. At some point or another, they had strayed from constantly improving themselves and felt they had achieved a place where they could no longer improve. The second kind of evil person would be the kinds who were placed in leadership, who are just plain morons most of the time (much like our current leaders).
So what does it make me?
A conscious white man. If you don’t know what the consciousness movement is, look it up. That’s the first step to becoming conscious anyways. Read, sucker. Wikipedia has the best definition I’ve find.
I am interested in working on myself. In revolutions. In helping the oppressed. In life, and the beauty of it. In love.
I have discovered I do not have to be a chameleon for anyone, but at the same time I can use that power to adapt myself when I see someone I admire.
I am discovering myself.
This is a significant milestone. It defines what the rest of my life will be like, and what changed will progress from there. It shapes my relationship to God. It strengthens it. It shapes the woman I will end up with. It does not change everything, but moreover gives me a better idea of who I am.

Inya and I talked tonight. I am on my last chance to work this out as a friendship. I worried too much and did not trust her to let me know if she had any of her feelings change.

I’m not out for anyone’s comfort but my own at this point. If I’m not comfortable with myself, no one else is going to be. If I don’t make attempts at knowing myself, how can I expect anyone else to care? And I need to do it for myself, NOT so I all have someone care.

I’ve flipped out of control and landed square on my own two feet. And the interesting thing is Inya thinks we can still work it out. I was surprised. I was perfectly ready to be completely cut off tonight. Bang, boom, no more friendship. But she didn’t want that. Neither did I, but I was willing to give up the gig if she felt she’d had enough.

I don’t know when the next time is I’ll talk with her. I need a break. I bet we both do. I need some time to be by myself anyways.

Mood: Very Happy .: Sunbeam Inside :.
Listening to: .: India.Arie – Journey to India CD :.
Reading: .: A Right to Be Hostile – Aaron McGruder :.
Watching: .: The Killing Fields :.

Aloha!

And so, I did it.
I opened DA today and saw I had 2456 new messages.
That’s too many. I deleted all the deviations, and all the journals. And I cleaned out my entire friends list.

So here’s the deal. Reply to this e-mail, and I know you want back on. I didn’t delete a few (like ~ naskapi-linguist ) but just to be sure, reply.
I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t do 2456 e-mails.
Granted, the reason WHY I wasn’t able to was because real life has been taking up my time, but I realized long ago real life would always take precedence.

I’m still going to respond to all the comments, but it will take a while. There are 68 of those.

And so, I’ll continue with my journal.

Inya let me draw her for my final in Figure Drawing class. She let me have around 3 hours a night, and with the content of my professor, I set to work.

2b Cont.

Mood: Very Happy .: Sunbeam Inside :.
Listening to: .: Harry Connick Jr. – The Street Where You Live :.
Reading: .: A Right to Be Hostile – Aaron McGruder :.
Watching: .: Sarafina! & Jungle Fever:.

Aloha!!!!!

Happy MLKJr. Day

I’m happy. 🙂

By the way, thank you guys for replying to my rambling thoughts, I currently have 192 messages right now, and will not be going through them any time immediately. I will eventually, so don’t worry; starting with the oldest. Far too busy right now. I’m compiling my portfolio for an impending job interview (wish me luck!) redesigning the school newspaper (the WHOLE THING, and the design will stay at LEAST for 10 years), designing a web page for a German Hi-Fi Speaker company, and preparing for meetings with a Chinese company of the same nature. In essence, my portfolio is going to be OFF THE CHAIN. 😀

If you like Jazz, or like the music in the background of romantic idealist movies commonly labeled as “chick flicks” , or if you simply like music that is genuine good quality and makes you feel good, listen to Harry Connick Jr.

Stupid of me to write when I was so down. I rarely feel that way, but it’s deep when I do. It did help to write it, though. I TOLD myself I’d feel better. I should have just listened to myself and trusted God.

And Inya helped. 🙂

Inya came over and I helped her review with her script (she’s taking Intro to Acting class). She said that she had been having trouble memorizing it, but when she did it for me, she nailed the thing. Absolutely perfect. We worked on the emotions too, and she got the first part done. After that, Hope and Inya riding up to Giant (grocery store) and getting Chinese food. Then going to Blockbuster and borrowing Sarafina! and Jungle Fever.
Inya and I went back and watched the movies, and ate our dinner. It was nice. 🙂
Sarafina! is an excellent movie. Absolutely phenomenal. It’s about the beginnings of the struggle against the school system in South Africa. I recommend it to anyone anyone anyone. Whoopi Goldberg is in it, but she is by far not the best actress. Check this movie out. Inter-library loan it, I don’t care. It’s good. It made me cry.
Jungle Fever is a Spike Lee joint, and I would NOT recommend that to everybody. It has a LOT of swearing and a couple lewd sex scenes (keep your thumb on the fast forward button). However, in terms of what it talks about with the way life is for Blacks & Italians in confrontations of race; it’s incredible. Don’t go in not expecting to be shocked, angered or shocked some more. It’s not a tame movie.

Anyhow, she, I , …. She makes me so content in so many ways. I am glowing because I feel so happy right now.

I must say, I made a mistake later, though. We practiced again, and I pushed her very very slightly too far. She takes my advice very very seriously, but I need to learn my boundaries and not abuse the privileged too much. She is perfectly capable of doing very good on her own, but she really likes my advice, and I need to learn when to hold it back. I stopped before I said something stupid, but she understood, and I walked her home. She is an amazing actress. The intensity she works through the piece is incredible. If she really had the drive ever, she would make a killer actress. The truly fantastic thing is she doesn’t know it yet. She trusts me so much, though. I’ve got to be careful. I learned tonight, though.

I need to go to bed, I’m going to get up early and finish up my portfolio.

I wish you all as sweet dreams as mine will be…

Mood: Depressed .: Frosted :.
Listening to: .: Floetry – Headache :.
Reading: .: A Right to Be Hostile – Aaron McGruder :.
Watching: .: Micheal Jackson’s Dangerous performance :.

aloha.

I don’t feel good.

Inya let me draw her tonight. She really wants me to, and I’m very agreeing, since I have to do work for drawing class.

She came over to my room.

Ahg. She is so agreeing with me. I don’t know how to put it.
I started getting depressed, I think it’s mostly not having enough sleep.
It was hard to study her. She is very beautiful. I’m infatuated with this girl.
I’m glad I didn’t start saying too much, it could have gotten weird. Sometimes …
A lot of times… I’ll look at her and all my words get jumbled together. Which is bad, because she can see my mind working, and then she’ll ask me what I want to say.

Ahg.

I want to be happy. I need sleep, and I’ll probably feel better. I need to start working on homework tomorrow.

The drawing of her turned out really good, though, once I relaxed.

Inside me is too much love. I wish God would give me someone to love, or just take the feeling away.

Mood: .: Snowy :.
Listening to: .: Plumb – Stranded :.
Reading: .: A Right to Be Hostile – Aaron McGruder :.
Watching: .: lost in translation :.

Aloha.

Pagoda played a show on Friday.
I royally messed up “Love Song for No One At All”;
A song I wrote
A song I have the lead vocals in
A song that, while not my favorite, is certainly very far up there.
I felt like I let the whole band down.
I felt like complete dirt.
I stumbled around on the other songs, especially “Silver Spoons and Sinking Rooms”.
I don’t have anyone to blame but myself, I need to practice it more. I should be able to play a keyboard to it and sing it as well, and I haven’t pushed myself far enough.

My mood changed later; we were reviewed by some guy named Mike Powers who wants us to play at State Street Station, and he mentioned he loved the keyboards in his e-mail. So I guess I didn’t completely botch those.

Anyways, I slept at Lox’s house.
So did Nina and Mesgana.
Nina, Scott & Mesgana started drinking, and I hung out with them for a bit. Mesgana’s been hitting on Nina for a while, but she doesn’t really want him to. They were all getting tipsy (I don’t drink) and Mesgana began getting pushy. I was ready to knock his lights out if he didn’t try anything. He went out for a smoke and Nina said she really didn’t want to sleep in the same room as him. I told her to let him have the loveseat they were sitting on (there were two in the room) and I let her sit on mine and gave her my sleeping bag. I told her I’d find some other place for her to sleep after Mesgana fell asleep.

Mesgana pretended he was drunk, but then get kind of depressed and fell asleep. Scott, of course, was jovial, and his noise and antics proved Mesgana was really asleep. I led Nina upstairs. Scott had a walk in closet, and a mattress that he let Nina sleep on. The boy was completely incompetent, and I had to demand he get some sheets for her to sleep on. He stumbled around and found some, but couldn’t find any blankets.
I told him to go to bed, and gave Nina my sleeping bag. She was very out of it, and curled up on the mattress. I wrapped her up and made sure she was warm (the heat isn’t the greatest in their house). She was very quiet during this whole time, and thanked me for taking care of her.
I wished her goodnight, and a tear fell from her eye.
I asked her what was wrong, and as she fell asleep she whispered “I just want you to be happy”.

I was angry.
I went up to Lox’s room, and found a sheet to throw over myself and curled up in his roommate’s bed.

The next day, I got up and they were gone. I took a shower, and Lox gave me a tour of the School of the Nativity, where I’d like to work after I graduate. I’m excited. I hope I get a position there. I’m so excited.

I got back and called Inya, and told here everything that had happened. She had some interesting theories about what was going on with Nina. I’m not sure how much I believe about them. It’s a given I’m naive. I also have a hard time understanding any emotion expressed to me, even though I can easily tell exactly how people are feeling towards each other. I need to think some more.

Rafiki had a meeting, and Fred blew up. He’s my roommate, and since he moved in the house he’s done nothing but complain about the noise. He is a very light sleeper, and cannot study with any amount of noise. However, the nature of the Rafiki house is that it is a very noisy and social place. He was basically chasing people out of the house, for his own reasons. This goes against the whole object of the house, which is to provide a place where international students can come to feel comfortable.
Anyways, everyone in the house went off on him, and finally talked some sense into him. He’s going to be moving out in February.
It’s a lot more complicated than that, but I don’t feel like going into it.

I went and visited Inya after that, and just talked for a while. She was sleepy, so she took a nap, and then I came back and took her out (actually, technically she took ME out) to see ” lost in translation”. Weird movie. I’m not entirely sure what their motivation was for making it, and am kind of surprised that Messiah played it (nudity). It was… interesting. I’ll give it that. It also had a pretty good encompassing view of Japanese culture. I didn’t really like it that much. I wouldn’t watch it again.
I HATE the main character. I never want to feel that empty. I never want to loose myself, or see life as that unbeautiful. I won’t.
I can’t.

I took Inya back to her room.
She is so comfortable around me, and I with her.
I’m not sure, but she seems to be changing. I’m going to remain the same, and keep the boundary of friendship.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.

I was angry and touched with Nina at the same time.
She really does care about me.
She should NOT drink around Mesgana, though. She shouldn’t get drunk around anyone who she is not completely comfortable with. That makes me angry. That’s careless. What if I wasn’t there? Scott can hardly be trusted to stick up for her. Scott himself is trying to get into her pants.

Scott’s pretty much harmless. He is more interested in black girls than her. He can’t avoid that. I don’t know if he’ll ever marry one, but he will never give up his search for one.

Mesgana is dangerous. Highly emotional, but also very selfish. He mentioned he found Shelly (Nina’s friend) attractive when she started avoiding him. I saw him heading out with her today.

Inya thinks Nina is playing a very large and elaborate game, whether she’s aware of it or not. I’m not sure that’s true, Nina seems (almost) as naive as I am. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s dangerous. I don’t know she can take care of herself, and that scares me.
She can only get me to do so much, though. I had the chance to be super-protector last night, and I didn’t. I felt like I could have swept her clean off her feet, but I didn’t want to. I don’t know why completely. She’s very pretty, very smart, and has a wonderful personality. But I don’t feel right. It’s not going to happen. I won’t do anything more than look out for her as a friend, regardless of what she did.

All this scares me, because I need to talk to Nina about who she drinks around. She had trouble walking. That is going too far if she’s not comfortable.

Also, Inya is still only as friends.

My own thirst for love bothers me. I want to love so badly, and I realize how close I come to being satisfied, and yet it doesn’t happen, either by my hand or by that of another.

I’m not going to give up on a fairy tale. I’m not going to stop seeing beauty, and thirsting for it.

Inya is changing. She read to me her character sketch for a piece she’s doing for Intro to Acting. It’s a fight between a married couple; a black woman and white man. They’re divorcing in the play, but in her character Inya points out why she thinks the marriage failed, and why it wouldn’t for her. She talks about how here view on interracial marriages is changing for the better.

I want someone to remember me.
I want to have something worth leaving behind.
I hope I feel still feel small when I stand beside the ocean.
I hope when one door closes that one more opens.
I will give faith a fighting chance.
I hope I dance.