Author: benjancewicz

Mood: Compassionate .: Wandering :.
Listening to: .: The Rocketeer :.
Reading: .: The Autobiography of Malcolm X w. Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: The Air Up There :.

Inquisition: Who is it you want to be?

Aloha!

I want off this continent.
I am sitting at camp watching “The Air Up There”.
And want to go.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I am lonely. I want to be loved.
I feel far away from God, distant from where I want to be. I know I am not as far away as I once was, but I yearn to be closer.
I want to put other people before myself. I want to be unselfish.
And yet these come in conflict with my first statements of this paragraph. And as I puzzle these things the rest my brain realizes that this is how I solve things, wandering over and over through the maze of gardens in my head until all 4 of me meet and come to a conclusion.
Logic, Passion, Joy & Mystery.

Mood: Compassionate .: Wet :.
Listening to: .: Vanessa Mae :.
Reading: .: The Autobiography of Malcolm X w. Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: The Olympics :.

Inquisition: What are you passionate about?

Aloha!

I am beat. Camp is completely wearing me out. I gave up my day off for another teacher who is very very sick so he could go to the hospital. We have much more kids than usual this time and it is grinding us slowly down.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, so no doubt this journal will be as sporadic as my thoughts are.
I think I’ve lost most of my watchers in the 6 or so months that I have not submitted anything. Most of my work remains silent and commentless. I also think the new set up for DA kind of does not facilitate the discovery of lesser-known artists either. It is not that I seek popularity; I just like talking with people through comments.

The connection here at camp is terrible; so the dozens of deviations I have to submit remain on my hard drive. I’ve been able to catch up with commenting, though, and am currently involved in a rather deep debate with an agnostic.

I also got a chance to catch up on e-mail; I e-mailed Tamika, my mom, Coco and a bunch of others. I e-mailed Babchi (my grandmother on my Dad’s side) today. She apparently had some sort of accident (my mother told me about it). I really hope she’s doing ok. I wish I could call her.

I need to get home sometime, even for a couple hours so I can mail some books I sold. I listed a bunch hoping to be able to send them on my day off. Fortunately the two, which sold during the week, were postponed because of the payments not getting in, so I have a bit of leeway while the post offices are closed for the weekend, but I’m going to have to find some way to get out there Monday.

Dreams have been vivid lately. The first was of me visiting some sort of church. A priest who seemed to be an old friend accompanied me. He wore long dark robes, like those I’ve seen worn in South American Catholic churches and a small white collar. The church was a building made with Asian architecture, of dark grey rock and a deep red roof. Pine trees lay all around it, in between winding cobblestone paths made of the same dark grey rock. A brook 2 feet deep rushed next to the path, it’s turquoise current rushing far faster than any creek that size had a right to. It splashed and ripped around the curves and under a steeply arching bridge in the path. Mist flowered around everything. A pond lay under and around the building, though the building was not raised. The spring which was it source appeared to be under the building somewhere. Some others and me were led by attendants across a few stepping stones lit by curious lanterns on poles sticking out of the pond. We entered using a small door on the left side of the building and went through a hallway to the sanctuary. The pews were set up as low yellow walls. They had folding down seats, but on each side of the wall, so that the audience could turn around when action happened behind them on the circular stage that went around the entire room. The only other thing I remember is there being an old Catholic priest at the front.
The second dream was later that night; I was riding my motorcycle along a long dark country road. Berte Thompson, my old boss back at Messiah pulled up on a Harley, said hello, and drove off. I came up on a curvy road with low rust red hills as the sun was setting and decided to stop to take a picture. I ran up a hill, but a group of high school graduates showed who were wandering around came in my direction and milled around me, blocking my shot. They were very good-natured, but would not get out of the way. They were busy taking graduation pictures. One of them looked a little like Inya, but with a short crop of straightened hair. She ignored me.
I decided to move on. Just around the bend lay a fjord, but the water was so deep I knew I wouldn’t be able to get my motorcycle through it. I stopped and parked, it was getting very dark. The lake that was flowing into the fjord was perfectly still, and reflected a glorious but very dark sunset of purple and gold.
I have a few ideas what that dream might mean.
The last dream happened this morning, and was very short. I was back on campus, and all of a sudden Idiki saw me. She was wearing a turquoise skirt and wrap, and a white top. She barely looked at me, but yelled “Ben!” and rushed over and hugged me very tightly. She started to say something, but I woke up.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Tamika. I have no idea what to make of all my questions, but I know I miss her. I think I’ll leave it at that.

“I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m living for the moment. And I’m thankful for the (girl) that you are… you are…”
~India Arie – Beautiful Surprise

Mood: Compassionate .: Soft :.
Listening to: .: Cars – Drive :.
Reading: .: The Autobiography of Malcolm X w. Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: Soul Videos :.

Inquisition: Where do you go to think?

Aloha!

Tamika plopped down on the love seat across from the couch on which I sat. She had on this very pretty silvery-blue and black outfit which she had worn to help out for the wedding.
My arms were aching from forcing a seat out the door of Talisha’s room, and I sat disjointedly among the giant pillows.
I looked at her. I was tired, and feeling a little selfish. I’d waited all day long to see her, and there she was, sitting across from me.
Sometimes I think so strongly on things that it borders on telekinesis. It’s usually in the ability to interpret thoughts and feelings, but occasionally, when I feel strongly, it feels like I can project my thoughts and feelings.
And with that one look, I did. The whole day, all the moving, even the anxiety and confusion I had on where exactly this was going; all were compounded into one quick look.
She didn’t move. I turned my eyes glazedly toward the TV, moving only slightly.
She got up and bounded over with a pillow, laying next to me with her head on my knee.
Triumphant, I lay my hand on her shoulder, and she dozed off.

There is something about touch. I’m not sure what it is. It send power through me. It heals any troubles, even pain. She nuzzled close and everything simply evaporated. As it slowly melted away, I leaned back.
I think too darn much.
I might as well lay it down so I can think about them clearly and get them off my chest.

I think about how addicting this might be.
I think about how she might be hurt if we part.
I think about how decisions on both side might be influenced by this; big ones like moving and jobs.
I think about how much this is exactly what would lead up to a healthy relationship.
I think about how I want to travel the world still, and how nothing can get in the way of that.
I think about my ideas of the perfect mate and have doubts about how realistic they might be.
I think about how much influence the family has on the child.
I think about how early it is to be worrying about any of this at all…
I think about how thinking too much could derail even a friendship.

Her father’s sermon was good. He spoke about if we were making ourselves ready for spiritual knowledge is important. He gave the analogy of Paul killing Christians and then God preparing him to be ready.

Mr. Pinkney came up to me afterwards and told me he really appreciated me coming not only for the sermon but for letting them take the night off; especially “coming all the way down for nothing”. I assured him it was nothing. And I meant it. I was glad I came.

Tamika and I drove back and went to her house. I helped Vinny set up a light in her room and set the table.
Vinny cooked dinner for us, and invited Vanessa (their old roommate) and her new fiancé over. Vanessa had just announced her engagement. It was a little weird because I don’t know them that well, but we all sat in the living room to eat and started talking and things went fine. Tamika and Vinny are doing quite well again, which made me happy.

Tamika got a little quiet after dinner. I’m not sure if it was getting distracted or something else, but I hope she’s ok. She took me home after a while and I packed for camp.

Camp is going good so far. Lox showed up right when Tamika and I pulled up, as did Chris Spahr (one of the counselors) and Joe Cassimasema (one of the teachers). We have a whole batch of new 6th graders. The 6th grade kids are really cool, I see a lot of potential with them. A couple of them are troublemakers (especially Devon’s brother Marlon… go figure…) but I’m hoping we’ll be able to help them out a bit.

A guy named Pernell (Perk) is helping out with counseling. He’s as tall as me and looks like young Micheal Jordan. He grew up in Harrisburg and is going to Valley Forge Christian College. He’s really cool, and has a lot of good ideas. I’m going to try and keep in touch with him after he leaves at the end of this week (his college starts).

Me, Perk, Mike McGeean and the new Reading teacher (I forget her name) all took the 6th graders on a hike this afternoon. They did pretty good, though a few of the heavier kids lagged behind. We got the heavier kids to lead they way back down, though, and they went so fast we had to struggle to keep up. 🙂

It’s going to get harder and harder, because we are short on counselors already and we’re going to be loosing more next week. But, I think we’ll be alright.

Mood: Meditative / Reflective .: Soft :.
Listening to: .: Musicology on VH1 Soul :.
Reading: .: Ebony Magazine :.
Watching: .: The Maltese Falcon :.

Inquisition: Name your favorite song. If you can’t; name one you really like.

Aloha!

I’m sitting in a dimly lit living room in Perkasie, VH1 Soul softly playing in the background, my laptop humming quietly. The roll of approaching thunderstorms shakes the air dull air, sending wafts through the open screen door to the porch.
Tamika’s mom persuaded me to come.
ISA MuKappa was having a picnic today and going to the beach tomorrow… but I decided to come here.
As I suspected, I was by myself for most of the day… sitting in the living room and copying some good recipes I found in an Ebony magazine.
But the payoff came this evening, when I got to babysit. Tamika’s parents haven’t been doing so well, and one of the things Tamika and I have been persuading them to do was to go out on a date. So, with me being there, they got the opportunity.
Also, Tamika’s dad is preaching in church tomorrow so I want to support him too.

So, here I sit.

Camp (and regular work) starts Monday, which I’m honestly not anticipating with very much enthusiasm.
I mean, I’m looking forward to the kids and the work, but I know I’m going to be worn out. We’re short on staff this time, which might mean no days off for any of us. I’d kind of just like to get school on the road, and to teaching real classes. But we don’t even have our real schedules yet. Ah well. I’m sure everything will fall into place.

I was able to pay of my citation (just) because of some money I got from selling books. I’ve been doing that just to make a little extra money. It is hard trying to survive with all the things I have to worry about. It gets difficult to trust God at times, but I know I must. The motorcycle is curiously low on oil. Mrs. Pinkney bought me some when we went to Wal-Mart. It could be that I didn’t put in enough when I changed it in Connecticut and it has just been to hot and not been enough. There is a small glass porthole on the side of the engine on which there are two lines in between which the oil level is supposed to be.
However, the bike has a kickstand. And when resting on the kickstand, you can see no oil at all through the porthole (though you can when you balance it upright. I didn’t change the oil filter when I changed the oil, so I’ll do that too. I hope the oil filter is not expensive.

Mary White, our landlady was supposed to visit today. Mr. Kirk was going to escort her around the house to figure out what she wanted to do with it and how she was planning to pay for the damage done to the basement by the flood. Mr. Kirk is also going to try and convince her to let us paint the walls.

Be right back…

Just moved all of the stuff our of Tamika’s sister Talisha’s room. She was supposed to do it, but didn’t. Not really. Mrs. Pinkney is getting the whole house recarpeted, and Talisha was supposed to move out the rest of her stuff; her bed, her entertainment center, and her chair (everything else had already been moved out). She didn’t. I ended up moving everything out. That girl need discipline. She no longer pays her parents heed. Tamika and her mom began arguing about moving the TV.

I’m tired.
I hurt my back a bit.
I need to relax. Sometimes I think too much…..

Mood: Meditative / Reflective .: Rainy :.
Listening to: .: N-Trace – Forever :.
Reading: .: Romans 12:11-12 :.
Watching: .: Kundun :.

Inquisition: What is the most important piece of writing for you?

Aloha!

Went over and worked for a bit in the school this morning. Their computers are a mess. I spent the whole morning working through them and trying to get some of them to work. One of them had an ancient tape drive in it which I confiscated. Maybe I can use it to back up and prevent my computer from loosing everything again.

I got curtains today, and a kitchen table. The curtains are long and dull green (similar to the DA site, actually), slightly transparent, and tied together with twine. The table is small, but not too small for two people. It is actually a pretty good size, because you can still put a lot of food with two people without feeling crowded.

Inya spoke to me today. I popped online and she beeped me. She was nonchalant, as always, asking me how I was, providing short and somewhat sarcastic answers to my questions. She asked me some vaguely pointed questions about Tamika, which I responded with … short and nonchalant answers. I shouldn’t act bitter. :s

Jessamine invited me out to dinner tonight. I was apprehensive about going, so I rode the Wiiskichaan over. It was pouring rain, as it had been all day. She had told me both her roommate would be there on Saturday, but then called me later today and told me they weren’t. She had forgotten that they had to work. Jessamine puts me ill at ease for some reason, I can’t always put my finger on it. She used to go out with Nick Machlan, which I can’t see how they ever were together. She’s very… critical. I’m not sure if that’s the right word to use… it sounds too harsh, but I don’t know how else to describe it. I’m rather wild at times, and felt like I was getting snubbed at times. With me being so sensitive is hard for me to deal with. We actually had a pretty good talk, though. She made spaghetti and spinach. I never had spinach before, it’s pretty good.
I left because I had to get back before dark with the motorcycle.

Tamika was nervous being at the house alone (neither of her roommates we there) (the other one’s name is Kristen) and so she came over here. I’m going to help her paint her room tonight.

I got a beautiful letter from Corrine Lerou tonight. She really is a special girl. Though some people feel deeply, she is one of the few that can express it well.

Mood: Meditative / Reflective .: Salted :.
Listening to: .: Heart – Alone :.
Reading: .: Becoming Evil :.
Watching: .: Kundun :.

Inquisition: What is the most powerful movie you have ever seen?

Aloha

“Alone” by Heart is a strangely powerful and haunting song.

I went over to Vinny, Tamika & (insert forgotten roommate’s name here)’s new house. They needed someone to stay for when the cable guy came. Actually, that is where I wrote “The Waffle House”. After I was done, I took a nap on the couch. Vinny came home, and plopped herself down on the couch. She’s always been very nice to me, but I directed the conversation gently towards Tamika. She admitted jealousy. She and Tamika were best friends, and since I had grown closer to Tamika, things had deteriorated. I had detected the cracks before Tamika or Vinny even knew about it and had done my best to make sure Tamika had time away from me when she could hang out with Vinny. However, Tamika was not the type to be easily directed without detection, and often wound up with me.

This coinciding with Vinny’s move, Tamika’s car trouble, decorating the house, working out a mortgage, and numerous other complications got them both extremely stressed out, causing them to be short with one another.
With the comfort of the Mona Lisa Smile soundtrack murmuring in the background, we talked. She thanked me for all the help I had given them, especially to Tamika in calming her down and helping her set up. I talked with Vinny and consoled her that I had no intention of taking Tamika away, and wanted them to remain strong friends at all costs.

We gradually moved on to lighter subjects, but I felt a strong connection had been made. She made us some of her “Gourmet Macaroni & Cheese”, a delicious blend of melted cheese, elbow macaroni, diced tomatoes, and a misture of spices. It was then we realized that the coaxial cable on the table had not been left by anyone of the house. Apparently the cable man had already come by and installed it, letting himself in through some unknown method.

We laughed, and parted.

This evening I watched Kundun with Mya over at the Catholic Worker. It’s a very good movie, sad though it may be.

Mood: Invisible / Ignored .: Salted :.
Listening to: .: Mona Lisa Smile Soundtrack :.
Reading: .: Becoming Evil :.
Watching: .: Equilibrium :.

Inquisition: What is the one thing you eat the most of?

Aloha

We sat across from each in the booth closest to the door, each of us staring into space. I leaned back against the window, one leg resting gauntly across the bench, the other with my foot on the floor. I sipped at my Sprite in it’s dripping cup, drumming gently on the back of the booth with my other hand. She picked at the remains of her omelet and warmed her hand on the oddly shaped mug of coffee, studying her reflection in the inky black window. The remains of unwanted tomato and onion lay on a tiny plate from the triple-decker cheeseburger I had eaten, along with too many condiments for a Waffle House to have. An Asian couple sat at the bar talking quietly to themselves, and the grill sizzled above the absurd arguments of the staff, who were fighting about whether voting for Kerry was non patriotic and whether flying American flags on cars was pro-Bush.

When the server asked us no less than 6 times whether we wanted refills, despite getting refused each and every time, we decided it was time to leave. She stretched painfully. Despite the back rub I had given her back at the room, she was still tense, and the pain was enough to make her not want to move.

We drove back to my place, and I grabbed the sneakers we had picked up at Gabe’s. It was weird. Everything automatic within me told me I was to kiss her. A small, encouraging peck on the cheek, just to cheer her up from the miserable day she had. Instinctively my head jerked back, though she didn’t notice. I told her I’d be praying for her and hoped she would be ok. She smiled faintly and said thanks.
I got out and jogged across the street, dodging cars. She stayed there. I waved.
She sat there until I went inside, then drove off.
It was strange.
She’d kissed me on the cheek over half a dozen times, though I’d yet to return the favour.

As I locked the door behind me, I thought of the conversation Alvin and I had a couple nights earlier online. Alvin is Indonesian, and a very good friend and former schoolmate of Caroline’s.
“What are you waiting for?” he asked, “You gonna wait forever?”
“It’s not right yet.” I smiled sadly, “I’m over it, yes. But it’s still so hard to trust anyone yet.”

It’s not right yet.

Mood: Industrious .: Extraneous :.
Listening to: .: Andy Hui + Kelly Chen – Åê·r§ð²¤ Rave Medley :.
Reading: .: Becoming Evil :.
Watching: .: Equilibrium :.

Inquisition: Do you like love songs?

Aloha!

I helped out Tamika yesterday. We moved out everything from her old Messiah apartment in Harrisburg. Or rather, she packed, I moved. She was in a very tense and sarcastic mood. We loaded up her car and drove it over there, then unpacked and worked on her closet a bit. Vinny and … danggit, for the life of me I can’t remember her other house mate’s name … came back as we were eating dinner. Vinny had left us some taco salad which we heated up. Vinny and Tamika still weren’t doing very well, and the tense atmosphere was thick enough to stifle. Her other house mate of course was oblivious to the whole thing, and carried on with me about material for curtains she had bought. Vinny went to bed early while we were working in Tamika’s room, but then later got up again.

I was preoccupied with pondering deeply about where exactly this relationship was going, which didn’t help matters especially much. Tamika didn’t have much of a place to stay, since her room was piles and piles of stuff, so she slept on my futon. We talked for a bit about how she was doing, and she admitted contemplating doing some things to me that rather frightened me. The talk was deep, but very troubling. It wasn’t anything that changed our friendship in any negative sense… but it was interesting that I had drawn the conclusion that this was the wrong time for me to progress anything a relationship only hours before. I hope these two evens don’t collide, coincidental though they are.

I caught myself musing on what the personality of my perfect mate would be again. In being able to read people, I create a rather vivid personality picture in my mind of how someone would be for us to perfectly mesh.

She awoke early and left for work, and I got up and went over to Nativity. Despite what they said, only Tevin was at the school, and they really didn’t have anything for me to do at all. I contented myself with setting up my desk in my classroom a bit.

I’ve done loads of pictures today, but the internet is being slow, so I can’t upload any.

Mood: Loved .: Sandy :.
Listening to: .: Lauryn Hill – Every Ghetto, Every City :.
Reading: .: Becoming Evil :.
Watching: .: Equilibrium :.

Inquisition: How do you know when you’re in love?

Aloha!

I’m back in PA, made it safely in spite of saddle bags catching fire, drive chains falling off, getting lost in NYC, thunderstorms, cold, electrical systems failing, and butt-numbing 13 hour rides.

It was good trip, I’m glad I did it, though. Lone cowboy out on his motorcycle. 🙂
Gas was hideously expensive, though. I paid 2.80 per gallon at one point. Sick. I’m glad I was on a motorcycle and not in a suburban.

My street flooded last week. We got about 4 feet of water in the street. Cars were floating down the street in a torrent of brown water. It wrecked the Catholic Worker’s garden. My motorcycle didn’t go anywhere, but I was lucky. The basement window blew in and I got 3 feet of water in the basement.
It’s frustrating living here sometimes, because it’s impossible to get anything done without the landlady’s consent. And she doesn’t let us do anything, even repairs.

Have been spending even more time with Tamika. My mind is fuzzy.

She spent the night here again. I have a futon (which she gave me), so I let her stay on that if it gets too late.
She didn’t go to church with me, though, because she had to work. She didn’t want to go to Wesley Union AME because of the whole fiasco that might develop with seeing Jeff there again. He called her the night before (she didn’t pick up, he didn’t leave a message), but that was enough to convince her that 1) he might not have meant what he said about “getting the message if she didn’t call him” and 2) she wasn’t ready to go to that church again. I did a little Yellow Pages research and found another AME church up 17th Street. They started at 11, though, and she had to work at 12.

AME Harris was pretty nice. Their band was inCREDIBLE. They could make it as a secular R&B band if they wanted to. Oh, it was so good. The singing was mediocre, but it was all kids. There wasn’t really a … sermon… this young girl got up and read something she wrote, which was good, but I was surprised. Maybe it was children’s week or something. A whole bunch of their windows were busted in from the storm, so I gave them my tithe. I’m slowly working up 10% of all the money I received from graduation.

I have to pay a citation tomorrow. I got caught running a red light. The cop was lenient on me, though, since motorcycles don’t trigger the sensor. He told me to do when no one was around. 😉

Nice to be back on DA regularly, I’m going to try journaling regularly too.

Mood: Grateful .: Sandy :.
Listening to: .: Wise Guys – Start the Commotion :.
Reading: .: Malcolm X on African American History :.
Watching: .: Bourne Supremacy :.

Inquisition: Do you consider yourself a deep person?

Aloha!

I am Connecticut. I drove out here on my motorcycle.
It was quite an eventful trip. I ran out of gas twice, but I brought an extra tank so I was ok. My saddlebag dropped and hit the top of my exhaust and caught on fire, but I didn’t loose anything valuable. I lost the printout of my directions, but I had my atlas with me. It began to rain, but I brought gloves and a rain coat. So… it wasn’t exactly fun, but I was taken care of.

My sister; ~ElizabethJancewicz, her boyfriend Barrett (two t’s or one?) and Amy Feenstra; ~ymie went to Ocean Beach today, and spent most of the day there. It was nice, and the water wasn’t too cold. I swam up and down the the whole beach and built sand castles with Amy. We walked up and down the beach talking and looking for sand castles to take over. She’s gotten a lot bigger. The Feenstras are missionaries in the Northwest Territories, so every two years we see them at a conference in North Carolina. This year my sister and Amy decided to stay at the house and chill.

Tomorrow I’m going up to Montreal to visit Vanessa and Coco and the rest of the Bethel Bible team that I met on my trip home. I hope that trip’s easier than this one and they don’t give me too much trouble at the border. We’ll see.

Bleah. I should write journals on more of a regular basis. That would help with my mind being numb and being unable to think of what happened this last week. Hmmm. Sold some stuff on eBay, spent a lot of time with Tamika, went to see Bourne Supremacy (surprisingly good sequel).

Oh! The day before I left (counts) ,,, uh, Tuesday, Tamika, Vinny (her roommate at best friend) and … darn it, can’t remember her name… ANYways, her 2nd roommate to-be, and I all went to Home Depot and went shopping for paints and decorating. I like being an interior designer. I need to study up on it some more. As soon as I’m done with the journal I’m going to look some Interior Design curriculum’s and order the books. I’m going to deck out Tamika’s room. I’ll take pics and post them when I get done.

I finally got my computer running again, and soon as I find the digital copy of my signature I’ll be putting up more work.

Peace, love, and sandy beaches,