Author: benjancewicz

Inquisition: How much of a private person are you?

Aloha!

The past couple days, whoa.
Let me see if I can sort this out.

Wednesday.
After school, I had forgotten about band practice.
Tamika had promised to take me out to go grocery shopping, so I told Lox I’d be a little late and would meet them up at around 7:30. Tamika called, and said she’d like to go running instead (something we’d been wanting to do together for a while). I said fine, and told her about band practice, suggesting we could run, I’d go to band practice, and then meet at her house afterwards to go shopping. She agreed, and came to pick me up.
We ran for about 25 minutes.
It nearly killed me. By the home stretch I had three pains in my side and had to focus just to keep the rhythm of breathing right. But I did not stop. It was really embarrassing because I used to run cross country when I was younger. At least it made me see how badly out of shape I really was.
She dropped me off at band practice and said she was going to cook some dinner for her & Vinny and said she’d save me some.
Band practice was weird. Mike hadn’t been at the previous practice, and so Lox, Spam and I had wrote a song that was kinda funky. It badly needed a bass part, so I tuned up to a slap bass on the keyboard and belted out a hot riff.
When I showed up at band practice, Mike, Lox and Spam were trying to work out a song Mike had written. I jumped in and began trying to figure out a part for it. No lie, the song grated on my nerves. It was completely irregular, rhythm jumping from 4/4 to ¾ to 5/4 then back to 7/4… it was crazy. Mike kept looking at me like he didn’t like my part. Finally at the end of one of a run through, he turned to me.
“I don’t really like your part much.” He said.
“Yeah, I know. It’s hard to play with so many different time signatures and no solid bass line.”
“Well, maybe you can play—“
“Let me guess.” I interrupted, “Smooth and spacey, kind of like a chorus going ‘aaaaaaaah’. Right?” It was what he recommended EVERY TIME for a piano part on a song he wrote.
“uh.. Yeah.”
I shrugged. The song stayed on one chord the entire way through the song, basically, if I broke it down to the bare bones.
We started through again, and I tuned up to a section of spacey sounds that were very “Mike”, and held down ONE NOTE, a G#. The whole song.
When we were done, he turned around again.
“That was awesome! Don’t forget that.”
I laughed. “Sure. It won’t be hard. It was one bloody note!”
“Oh… …well, it sounded cool.”
I laughed again. I pulled out an extra transformer, and balanced it on the G# and danced around them as they played.

When it came time to play “Straight Down” (the funky song), we ran through it to have Mike pick it up. It sounded miserable. We stopped, and I gave Mike the notes I had been using, for him to play on the bass. It was still pretty bad. He couldn’t figure out how to do pall mutes with note changes.
Finally, Lox asked Mike to cut out and just listen, and asked me to play a bass part. I switched from the organ I had been using, and we began again. It sounded awesome. Mike seemed to get a little miffed.
I didn’t mean to make him mad. I just played the best I could…

When Lox dropped me off at Tamika’s I found her cooking dinner. They hadn’t eaten yet, but she made us this delicious Alfredo Rice and friend chicken strips. It was really good. Her and Vinny ended up talking, and then went down to watch CSI. CSI had it’s time slot moved, and so they missed it, but ended up just flipping through the channels anyways. I dozed off on the couch, and awoke to find myself alone in the basement.
I came back upstairs, and then she drove me home.

Thursday.
If you looked at , you know part of the story.
Tamika called me Thursday while I was at school. Twice.
I had asked her last week if she’d take me grocery shopping since my motorcycle had broken down, and she said she would. But every time we would try to go, something would come up and she wouldn’t be able to do it.
She had Thursday off of work, and so she was able to finally catch up on some badly needed sleep. She did a few chores around the house, and got to spend some time reading her Bible alone and praying.
And so she called me.
I got the messages when I got home from work. She apologized a couple of times for not taking me, and said she really wanted to help me out if she could, if I still wanted to, if I hadn’t gotten another ride…
I called her back and she drove over to pick me up.
She had done some painting in her room, so I got changed just in case she needed any help. Vinny came with us, and we went to the Super Wal-Mart. I was able to pick up everything I needed, then asked them if they’d like me to cook them dinner.

They readily agreed, and so I made them a creation I made up myself. It was a phenomenal success, so here’s the recipe if anyone wants it.

1 box of Linguine
Half a jar of Ragu Roasted Garlic Parmesan Pasta Sauce
1/4 of a green pepper
1 lb. of baby shrimp (the smaller the better)
Extra Virgin Oil
Vegetable Oil
Baby Peas
1 tsp. of butter
Garlic Salt
Oregano
Chili Pepper
Chopped Parsley
Grated Parmesan Cheese
Grated Mozzarella Cheese

I put the water on to boil, adding a little vegetable oil and a sprinkle of Garlic and Oregano to flavour the pasta water.
I some of the oil in a pan and sautéed the baby shrimp on high, taking care not to burn them, and put them in a bowl to let the excess oil drain. I put the peas on to boil, and added the pasta in the boiling water and turned it down to medium while I was sautéing.
When the pasta was almost ready, I drained the peas and added some chili pepper to the peas (2 shakes) and some garlic salt (3 shakes) with the butter and mixed them up.
I sautéed the sliced green pepper until they were a little brown around the edges, and set that in the bowl with the shrimp.
I drained the pasta when it was tender, and poured it into a large serving bowl. I added the shrimp, sauce, cheeses, oregano, parsley and green pepper, and tossed it until everything was coated and the cheese was melted.

And then we ate it. 🙂 It was sooooooo good. I love cooking for people; it’s when I cook the best.

Afterwards, Tamika and I went to her room, so she could show me the work she’d done on her doors while I was cooking, and that’s when I showed her the drawing.
She showed me some of the drawings she’d been working on (I’d persuaded her to take up the old hobby and to do more with it) and then gave her some tips on how to get proportion right. I sat there and sketched something quick as she watched, showing her how to outline the skeletal system and then add the muscles and clothes slowly on.
Her father had told her about last weekend when I had been down in their basement and was beating the stuffing out of his karate punching bag. He had given me a few tips on how to keep my balance and curve my foot in for the most impact, and had asked me if Tamika was still going to teach me. I told him no, that she said she didn’t have the time.
Well, apparently this made Tamika a little miffed. We decided at her suggestion to draw up an agreement. I would give her drawing and web design lessons, if she would teach me karate and go running with me, and we’d also do Bible Studies together as a middle ground. I think it would be really cool, if we both can live up to it. It might be difficult at times seeing as how were are busy a lot, but I think it will be really good for us.

Friday:
It was beginning to be that time of the month.
Tamika called me as she was coming home from work, and asked if I would like to come over. I said sure, and we drove to Blockbuster to check out the movies. Tamika was feeling moody, and so I was tender with her, and did my best to cheer her up. We picked out a couple of movies; Godsend and Japanese Story. Neither of us had seen them, so we thought we’d try them out.
We came home and Vinny was feeling a little miffed about some things, and after a quick spat, Vinny went to bed and Tamika and I went down to watch one of the movies. They were just both tired, I suppose.
We watched Godsend. That movie was very freaky. Not the scariest I’d seen, but definitely up there.
I tend to growl deep within my chest when I’m uneasy. It’s something I’ve always done, and as caught up as I get in movies, I growl sometimes during scary movies, when I feel something is about to happen. She didn’t like it, so I did my best to suppress it. But what I found is that the growling made me fell better, and I found myself struggling to calm myself down.
I scooted my chair over next to hers just to be close.
After the movie, she was really scared. We ran upstairs, and she told me about the lady who had previously owned Vinny’s house who had been killed in a car crash. We got to talking about ghosts, and the ones I had seen as a kid on the reservation after a house had burned down with a man inside. Tamika stayed in the room that the lady used to own, and she told me that before she went to sleep, she would see some lady when she closed her eyes. She told me it happened every night, and freaked her out.
She asked me if I would stay, and I said I would.
I lay out some couch cushions on the floor, and she let me use her sleeping bag.
We talked long into the night.
At the end, we were really getting deep, and she confessed to me some things she had done that she wasn’t very proud of, that she wished had never happened. (I’m not going to talk about them here) She began crying.
I just held her arm, and listened quietly as she poured out her heart to me.
I spoke to her gently, and reassured her that things were not so bad, and that she’d be all right. She had special gifts God had given her, and if she took care of them, she would see it would be all right.
She sobbed, and I gently wiped the tears from her cheeks as they trickled down, and prayed as she spoke.
She gradually got quiet, and curled up in a little ball.
“Tamika, are you going to be ok?”
She sniffed. “uh huh.”
She was quiet for a while.
“Thanks, Benhamean.”
I smiled “No problem.”
I leaned over her, and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek. The first one I’d even given her.
“Bonne nuit, Tamika.”
“Bonne nuit.”
I rolled over on the floor and went to sleep.

Saturday:
I awoke to Tamika’s cell phone.
She was up, and before she went to work, she drove me home.
I worked on the motorcycle a bit, and then drove it to the motorcycle shop to set up an appointment to get the bolt removed from the oil screen cover.
We had band practice again, but Mike and Spam didn’t come. Lox and I really worked well together, hammering out “Straight Down” and “Open Letter to Pamela Anderson”. Both songs are coming together well. We also worked on “Believing is Seeing”, which is a song I wrote.
When I got home, I went downstairs to get a drink, saying I’d call Tamika to see what was up and if she wanted to go to Church.
The answering machine was hanging up as I got back to my room, with a message from her on it. J Spooky.
We talked for a bit, and she said she’d meet me at 9:25 to go to Wesley Union AME Zion.

Sunday:
She was late, but we got to church on time ok.
Jeff, an older guy she had met who had kind of gone after her was there. She stuck by me, and I could see him sizing the both of us up. He was a big man, and an assistant pastor on top of that, but the savage in me kept making me think about what it would take to take him down if he did anything dumb. Tamika had gotten so paranoid that she had stopped calling him and ignored his calls.
I felt bad for him a little, but he had been pretty creepy.
The sermon was actually really good, though, talking about James 1:12-15 and temptation. Reverend Thomas (our old choir director from Messiah) wasn’t there, but it was delivered by an assistant pastor.
Twi was supposed to come with us to church, but woke up late. He appeared at the door just as we were walking out of our pew, smiling as he always does. Tamika has asked him to join us, just for a little added protection.
Jeff rushed down the center aisle to the back, eyeing me as if he was thinking Tamika and I were together, and took his place out in the hall to shake everyone’s hand rather than inside the sanctuary. There was no way out of the church except to go by him..
Twi gave Tamika a big hug and warmly shook my hand. It was the first we’d seen him since he’d been back to Messiah for the Fall Semester. He’d grown a bit over the summer, and now towered over me by a couple inches.
We led Tamika out like two bodyguards. As we passed Jeff, he held out his hand in a sort of “What’s up”, despite the fact that Tamika hadn’t talked to him in quite some time. She shook his hand politely, then hurried on.
He held out his hand to me. “How y’doin’, brotha.”
I gave him a strong grip and smiled. “Good morning.” I said, surprised at how deep it came out.
Twi and I looked at each other out of the corners of our eyes, and formed a 6 foot wall with our backs turned to Jeff and escorted Tamika out.

The three of us went to Cracker Barrel for brunch, and just talked. I felt so bad for Twi, he’d just been through a very bad breakup and when he got back to campus, a rumor that one of his friends was going out with his ex came through as truth to him in a rather bad way. I decided I would go and visit him as soon as I get the chance. He and I talked for quite a bit about his breakup before I graduated, but the summer swept us both away. It was so good to see him.

Afterwards, Tamika was feeling moody again, so I went with her to Gabriel Brothers and I spent the afternoon with her just shopping and helping her pick out some clothes. It was nice.

We went back to her house afterwards, and Vinny made us a spaghetti dinner. It was delicious.
I was going to give Tamika a drawing lesson, but before I got a chance to ask her, her and Vinny decided to go over to a friends and play X-Box. I was a little miffed, but I suppose it was really my own fault for not saying anything.

.:Yawn:.

I got to get to bed, must get up early for school tomorrow.
Tamika said she’d like to meet tomorrow after band practice maybe.

Aloha!

The first and second day have gone well thus far.
Teaching is a lot easier than I suspected originally, despite all the tales of woe and chaos relayed to me by the other teachers. I seem to have remarkable control over the kids. Of course, it remains to be seen how the rest of the semester goes, but I could not ask for a better start.

The weekend.
A couple of you are probably looking at the previous entry and are wondering what the devil happened.
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. 😛
We left late Saturday after Tamika got out of work. She called me as she was riding home. She said she was going to change and get ready, and then tell me when she left the house on her way to my place. She forgot, and then rang when she arrived in front of my house.

I sat in the back of Vinny’s car; flip flopping between trying to follow the conversation over the roar of the music and trying to doze off. Either way, I didn’t say much.
We got to the Pinkney’s house quite late, but decided to watch Dirty Dancing Havana Nights before we went to bed.
The next day we woke up quite late.
I was up first, so I decided to make them some omelette’s at Mrs. Pinkney’s suggestion. I made the best ham & cheese omelette’s I had ever made for each of them, and then joined them on the couch.

Afterwards we went over to Aunt Michelle’s for a barbecue. Momom (Tamika’s grandmother) was there, and made the best ribs. I sat by myself most of the time, and the only actual conversation I had was with Alexandre, Talisha’s new male friend (whom both Tamika and Vinny were ogling over). He seems like a nice guy, but there is something that makes me uncertain about him. I’m not sure what it was…
Probably just petty jealousy. 😛

Aunt Faye showed up later with her friend Gail (Gale?) and escorted us to a Hilton right outside Philly for the Jazz concert.

We got there and the ladies went upstairs for a bit to change and freshen up. The silence of the ride over was slowly wearing me down, and as much as I wanted to play my heart out on the beautiful baby grand in the lobby, I was daunted by all the musicians milling around and instead sat down to draw. There was a giant mirror opposite me, and I was able to bang our a pretty good self-portrait. I might scan it later.
Aunt Faye came down, and chatted with me for a bit, and then introduced me to her good friend John who was the star fiddler for the show we were about to see.
The rest of them came down, and we went in (Tamika covered the 20$ it was to get in).

The show was just incredible. The dueling fiddles they had in there created such harmonies than it nearly drove me wild. And that was nothing against the power the piano, upright bass and drums displayed. It was incredible. The light was too low to get any good pictures, but I just pulled out my sketchbook and started drawing, letting the music flow around me. Aunt Faye was in ecstasy, bobbing her head and clapping to the music. It was phenomenal.
Without realizing it, I began drawing Tamika and I dancing. The dance floor in front of the band was empty, and as I drew an imaginary couple on it. I didn’t realize it until much later, when I noticed Tamika was looking over my shoulder, that I had slowly turned the couple into Tamika and I. I worked on it some more and added more detail, and then wrote on the bottom. “If I knew how, I’d ask you.”

She laughed. Impossible to read.
It was dumb anyways. 😛

She ordered some kind of pink alcoholic drink. She couldn’t finish it, and asked if I wanted it. I downed it. It was pretty good.

Aunt Faye took us to dinner next. Tamika and I shared a chicken alfredo and mushroom dish, which was delicious. She and Vinny paid for me, which was really nice.

The girls went back up the change, but I walked around with Aunt Faye. We talked a while, and I told her I wanted to learn how to dance to that kind of music. She said she thought it that was cool. She mentioned she really enjoyed being around us, with music uniting such a gap in age. She called me something like an “old soul.”

Later on, we all met up in the lobby, and I was describing what Aunt Faye and I had seen when we peeked in. This lady was really getting into it on stage and I mimicked her getting all wound up, and Vinny said something like “don’t ever do that in public again.” I bushed it off and ignored her, and Aunt Faye told her to leave me alone, and that I was going to learn how to dance. Vinny laughed at me and said “That’s only because we watched Dirty Dancing last night.”

I’m not sure why, but it really hurt. I mean it wasn’t much, but… I don’t know. It stung. What makes it worse is that she does really dumb and comical stuff all the time trying to be funny, but she had the audacity to shoot me down; the one time where I actually was getting along not to bad in a conversation.

I rode home completely in silence, feigning sleep in the back. I tried to get involved in the conversation a couple of times, but it didn’t work too well.

I’m over it now, but I just don’t understand why she does it. I suppose I should practice smart comebacks again and put my guard way up when it comes to being around her. I used to have a really smart mouth, but I’ve slowly gotten rid of it, … just because it wasn’t nice and I didn’t like it when people did it to me.

Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. Since my guard is so far down with Tamika, I have no defense against Vinny’s sarcasm.

Mood: Bored .: Intoxicated :.
Listening to: .: Fountains of Wayne – Sink to the Bottom :.
Reading: .: Autobiography of Malcolm X – Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: Let’s Talk :.

Inquisition: Do you drink?

Aloha!

It was over at Tamika and Vinny’s for a party, and that’s where it ended.
I hadn’t drunk in 5 or 6 years, not really. It was at the very least the first time in a very long time I’d even gotten tipsy. I sat on the couch, and the room revolved, slowly, like a 3D freeze frame in Guilty Conscience. Tamika and Vinny were laughing hysterically, talking with some strapping young man in the kitchen who said all the right things at exactly the right time; but who obviously meant something to them, and they knew why. I couldn’t help thinking his shirt was soo small.
I felt like dirt. No, not even. Like dust. I seeped into the bowels of the couch along with the rest of the dust, and remained there for an eternity and people talked, laughed, and giggled on the cushions above me, carrying on conversations and getting to know each other.

I remained in the living room alone, a emotional derelict, unable to completely hear the fast paced conversations wrapping around me because of my deaf ear, and unable to comprehend or even relate to the plethora of TV shows everyone had watched and was talking and laughing about. I’m not good looking, so no one even wanted to be around me for that. I wasn’t funny. Every joke I made was at my expense, and rather than building my confidence, the alcohol made it worse. I was perfectly aware of everything that was going on around me.

I got up, and walked out on the front lawn, looking at the dew-stained grass by the blasting glow of the front porch light. I held my blazer over my shoulder with one finger. I thought about how far away home was. 8 miles? Seemed oddly appropriate…
Tamika came out. She said something semi-concerned, and asked me to come back in. I said no. I said there are things I didn’t want her to know about me.
She moved slightly, the beer making her sense of balance not what it should be.
I turned my head away, and hurled on the edge of the grass. But not from the alcohol. When I arose, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, my tear stained eyes saw Tamika coming toward me. I motioned her not to, and said goodby.
I left her on the front porch, crying, her clouded mind unable to comprehend what was the matter with me.
I began walking home.

And then I woke up.

I hate dreams like that.

:defabandonedpyro: pretty much summed it up for me today. I don’t want to loose her as a friend. Which is dangerous, because I feel like it’s deceitful.
I care so much about her, and don’t want to let her down. She trusts me as the guy who she can be friends with, without having to date.
Why the devil does it have to be me?
It’s like being the black guy on a chick flick. You’re never, under any circumstances, ever, going to get the girl. The girl belongs to with attractive white guy. Who really doesn’t care.
I want so much to be the friend she can trust, and do everything in my power to not have any romantic feelings for her to destroy the trust she’s given me so completely.
“I only want to make you happy, just want to make you happy…” -India.Arie

I am tearing myself up. I’m desperately trying to let Logic and Mystery rebuilt me, and rebuild the nonchalance that has toppled so badly.
I don’t want to loose her trust.

I felt like Vinny really hammered me this weekend, though by her standards, it was probably nothing. She and Tamika get along amazingly, but I feel like I’m just not… cool enough to be in her crowd. I’m sensitive, she’s really not. I guess I just don’t understand insulting people for fun, and that being the common thing to do in a friendship. Where I come from, people have fun without doing that, and insults are taken seriously. She publicly humiliated me a couple times, and I was laughed at by everyone. I mean, I know I’m awkward and have trouble carrying on conversations because of my dang ear, but do you have to rub it in?
I don’t get it either. When we were at Aunt Michelle’s barbecue, she actually talked to me a little bit.
But then she and Tamika just ogled over Talisha’s new French boyfriend, who was rich, buff, and had a home in Paris.
I swear, that just made me feel like a million. Rubles.

The best part of the weekend was just being with Aunt Faye at that spectacular Jazz concert. If she was my age, I’d date her in a heartbeat. She is just such a cool and happy person. I love being around her. The music was just incredible, it was the first real Jazz concert I’d ever been to, and just to hear that pianist play melted me.

At one of the many points when Vinny and Tamika were talking up at the front of the car like I didn’t exist, Vinny mentioned “No wonder girls go for older guys. They’re just more stable.”

Bloody hell.
Does it look like I’m TRYING to be unstable?

…

…

whoa.
And then she calls me. Like just now.
Logic & Mystery won.

I knew she was getting off work at 10pm today, so I opened up the journal entry and disconnected so the phone would be off the hook just-in-case… and she called.

And suddenly, Passion is tied back up, and Joy is satisfied, and Logic and Mystery make lots of headway in rebuilding me. Just like that. In a 45 minute conversation about really nothing at all.
We even talked about how we’re working to get along with each other. I’m learning to just let her vent, and only offer my opinion when she asks, and she’s learning to work more with my sensitivity.
She even wants to call me again tomorrow.

Yes, I can do this. I just need to hold onto this feeling. Just hold on.
If you believe, keep me in your prayers. I will make it.

Mood: Bored .: Bof :.
Listening to: .: Some kind of Jazz :.
Reading: .: Autobiography of Malcolm X – Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: Spongebob Squarepants (first time) :.

Inquisition: How do you make friends?

Aloha!

I’m sitting alone at school, and am bored out of my mind. My motorcycle is busted, it has a broken bolt on the oil pan tray thing and a stripped bolt on the cover where the oil filter goes. I couldn’t get the filter cover off, and still haven’t been able to.

That’s what sucks about working at a charity type job. You have no money. Period. I’m about 800$ in debt already, and get paid… oh… 200$ a month… Yup yup.

I don’t like being alone. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have much to do with insecurities anymore, I just don’t like it. I find it distasteful, because I like people so much. I like watching them, like talking to them, like getting to know them.

And for the past week I’ve been holed up in this school cleaning this classroom. For hours. By myself. Bleah.
No wonder I look forward to seeing Tamika all the time, she’s the only person I see.

She left instead of sleeping over the night before last; she had to get up early to go shopping with Vinny for mosaic tiles for their bar in the basement. He back had really been hurting, so I’d given her a massage and she dozed off while I was doing her neck. She woke up and mumbled she was sorry, but she had to leave.
I asked if she could take me to the grocery store later the next day after work. She said sure, but later called back and said she was too tired.

I think she might be getting sick, so I’m been doing my best to make sure I’m not keeping her up too late talking. About stuff. It’s probably not the best for me either, since I’m more likely to speak when I’m tired. For the first time in a while, I feel like I’m actually carrying on a conversation where I can comfortably talk about stuff that happened.
Just so long as it doesn’t spill into the present…

Vinny, Tamika and I are going to join Tamika’s Aunt Faye in Philly this weekend to see a jazz concert. It’s supposed to be really good.

I think Mystery has reasoned with Logic and calmed Passion down, but Joy still feels lonely.

You know what I miss? being able to look someone in the eyes for a while, just being quiet and looking, reading each other’s thoughts.

Maybe I’m loosing the ability to entertain myself… but then maybe I never had it…

Mood: Crying With Joy .: Chanced Upon :.
Listening to: .: If I was the One – Ruff Endz :.
Reading: .: Esther by Mordecai :.
Watching: .: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy :.

Inquisition: Who are you closest to?

Aloha!

Tuesday was Nativity’s first meeting. It went rather well, and was pretty informative. They went over the basics of the school, discipline standards, ect.
I’m getting a little antsy, but I think I’ll be alright.
Lox and I have been organizing the classroom, but he keeps disappearing, and there remains a lot to be done. He has to leave soon, because he’s going to go back to NY to help his parents move.

My grandmother had an accident, I don’t know if I wrote that. She fell while she was walking, and cut up her lip and index finger. It’s scary to me because she is so old (even though she is really active). So if you believe, pray for her.

I had to rush out to mail some packages, and then came back and had some pirogies for dinner with Lox. Tamika called me and asked if I wanted to to run to Target. She was going to get together with a bunch of Messiah people near her and Vinny’s new house. I misheard her, though, and thought she was going to Target first and the party later. Lox and Spam and I were going to have band practice, so I asked if I could meet her afterwards. She said she’d leave by 8, and I could come if I got back by that time.

Practice went very well, we wrote a couple of new songs, one of them a kinda funky rock and roll song. It has a lot of potential. We got back around 8:30ish, much to my dismay, and I ran up to room and called her. She didn’t answer, so I left a message and began morosely cleaning up and starting some laundry. Suddenly, the phone rang, with her on the line. She asked me if I still wanted to go. She showed up at the door a few minutes later and we took off. She was in a rush, because she had to get everything for her lamp in her room.

Fortunately I was able to give good directions to Target, and after making a stop at Home Depot I had collected everything I needed to put together a Chinese Lantern style lamp. We got back to her house and I put the lamp together, wiring it while we watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with Vinny. I find I like that show. It has a lot of good advice.

After that I installed it in her ceiling and we went back to my house and just talked for a while. A long while. She told me the story of her previous boyfriends. It was really nice, and was really good to talk with her.
I figured a lot of things out. Why she had trouble trusting people, why she was the way she was, what was dangerous for, her, what she liked.
She told me about her last close guy friend she had had, who had been almost as close as me, and how it ended. He had tried to kiss her, and then had covered it up the next day by saying she wasn’t his type. Ouch.
She mentioned that all guys were the same (“excluding you, of course,” she said) in that they had some kind of angle, some hidden ulterior motive.
She told me how her friend had changed when he had gotten married later, and how even when they were dating, he didn’t treat her as as much of friend as he had, proving to her that he had only been nice to her to get with her.

After she was done, I asked her. “There is one thing I don’t understand. After all of this, all the ways you’ve been treated and your mistrust of guys, why the devil do you trust me?”
She looked directly at me from across the futon and blinked. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer that.”
And she trusts me so much.

That pretty much closed the case for me, and reaffirmed what I had told myself two years ago. I would not fall in love with anyone unless I knew they loved me.
She needs a friend she can trust, and I’d be so very very stupid to compromise that in any way.

She slept over, and went to work.

After work I invited her over for dinner and cooked her some Fettucini Alfredo and chocolate chip cookies. At 7 she had to run, because she was going to hang out with this kid Matt. She mentioned praying for her. She was attracted to him, and after what she had told me last night, I began to get worried. She said she’d call me and left.

I stared at the wall. I turned on some music, hoping to distract myself. Musiq, D’Angelo and Lauryn Hill only seemed to make it worse. I picked up books, and lay them back down again in disgust. I had left my Bible back at the school, but didn’t dare run back to get it for fear of missing her call. I lay on my bed, and stared at the ceiling. I was freezing, but didn’t turn down the air conditioner. I tried to photo work on the computer, got one photo done and gave up. I curled up on the futon with my blue blanket at the phone, and fell asleep. I was weary, we had stayed up so late the night before.
I was worried. She had told me not to, but I was terribly. I was afraid of what Matt was like. When you don’t have a very high opinion of yourself, you have absolutely no confidence whatsoever that anyone might find you desirable or even slightly attractive. I suppose this makes it magical because when someone does tell you they like you, your heart melts. But at this point my insecurities were driving me crazy.
My mind raced. I tumbled over myself. Mystery argued I shouldn’t be so anxious, it wasn’t very good for me, nor did it hold up much of an image. I should find some way to act nonchalant. Passion strained at it’s confines, bellowing that if he could break free he’d walk to her house and beat the stuffing out of Matt, and he didn’t care that the motorcycle wasn’t working. Logic told me I was crazy for inventing such far fetched ideas, Tamika didn’t really know Matt that much anyway, right? Right… Right… At least I think so…
Joy just sat on the floor and cried softly to himself.
The ironically named Joy won, of course, and I wept.

Something was tugging at me, I’m not sure what it was. It drove me to almost call her 6 or 7 times.
Finally, midnight dragged it’s feet into the room and I dialed the number.
She didn’t pick up, so I left a message. “Aloha. Hope you’re ok.”
Something along those lines. I crawled into bed wearily and sank my head into my pillow.

The phone rang.
She asked if I was ok.
I stammered I wasn’t sure, and asked her if she was.
She told me what had happened.
Nothing. Nothing at all. Vinny was there, and she had just watched Queer Eye with her and Matt. I’d never had such a strong drive that something was happening and been wrong. Or was I… Tamika had said that frankly she had been annoyed by Matt, and he had made her uncomfortable. He was just weird.

She said she was tired, but said she wanted to come over and felt like watching a movie. I begged her to some, and she did.

We never got the video. We just talked. About our insecurities, about what we thought about physical attributes, about how we were afraid of certain things. About how we had grown up affected how we thought now.
We read the Bible together, and discussed why it was nessecary for Jesus to have been born from a virgin.

We got sillier and sillier, and gradually drifted.
She fell asleep at around 5, and I got up and got changed. I tucked her in on the futon, whispered goodnight and went to bed.

We woke up and went to her house to wait for the water heater repairman, who was to come that day. We had a Bible study and read over and discussed the book of Esther. I really like doing Bible study with her, it’s nice to get her perspective.

After that we rushed to Nativity because I needed to talk with Mrs. Cheney. Tamika checked her e-mail and printed out directions to visit Mr. Macnamara, the directer of FCA. She just left.

I got to get back to work on these computers and work on my motorcycle a bit.

Mood: Crying With Joy .: Searching :.
Listening to: .: The Rocketeer :.
Reading: .: The Autobiography of Malcolm X w. Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: The Air Up There :.

Inquisition: What music makes you happy without fail?

Aloha!

I have to catch up a bit.

I got back from camp, and called Tamika. She hadn’t left for work yet (she worked at 3) and was doing her laundry. We talked for a while, and then some people came over from Messiah with the Joshua House to clean out the destruction of the flood in our basement. I helped them out, even though I was pretty darn beat from camp. As usual, Mr. Kirk seemed rather upturned at how we lived. Regardless of how many years he’s lived in the ghetto that is Allison Hill, he still has the suburban mentality. He just doesn’t quite get the “making ends meet” thing. Sally asked me three times for stuff; first a first aid kit, then pliers, then a heavy duty screw driver… finally I just looked at her and said “look. I make 200$ a month. Anything that cost money, I ain’t got it.” She laughed.

Inya left me a message on my phone. It was kinda garbled, but I did get her number. I’ll call her back tonight I think.

I went to visit Tamika at Kohl’s when I went out to get an oil filter for the Wiiskichaan. She had an awesome time playing lacrosse in Ocean City and had a blast. She also got to fellowship with a bunch of Christians down there and I could actually feel the change in her tone. Her eyes were brighter.
She had wrote to me about it. She might be getting a job down there, one of her teammates was very impressed with her, and recommended her to one of the directors of FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes).

I stayed with her for a couple hours helping her sort out clothes and put toys back on shelves. She invited me to go with her back home this weekend, since she was helping out with the filming of another wedding, and so I did.
Mrs. Pinkney had a huge fish fry that night, with her brother and a bunch of families from the church. I felt out of place at first, but then went out on the patio with the men and listened to them talk. They invited me in and welcomed me into the conversation. I’d never been exposed to such a great sense of community among a group of strong Christian friends. It was awesome. I felt like I had felt when I went over to Femi’s apartment last year and chilled with him.

That evening Mrs. Pinkney put me to work folding clothes while I watched VH1 Soul.
Tamika came home late that night; exhausted but energized. She had met this awesome soul band at the wedding who invited her to sing with them. Tamika was floored, but there is a chance she might get to. We talked for a while that night, and got to talking about her first love and her old boyfriends.
I like to hear about it because it lets me know more of what she likes, but it’s hard for me not to feel inadequate when I do. I need to do some reading and figure how to stop that from happening. I’m so sensitive sometimes I feel as if it’s a reflection on me, even though it might not be.

The next day we went to church. The paster spoke on temptation, and the mechanics of it. It was really deep, and I took a lot of notes. It hit me pretty hard. I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

After that we went to Natalia’s soccer game (Tamika’s little sister). I think I got a couple good photos from that. She won and played very well. The soccer parent (including the Pinkney’s) yell waaay to much, though. These are little kids playing, and the parents are screaming. It really irked Tamika.

We went to her grandmothers place after that and just hung out with her and visited.
We went back to Tamika’s parents house before we went home and packed everything up. Her mom was stressing out about something and I was very sleepy and thinking about too many things and good a little touchy. I didn’t really let it out, but I know Tamika noticed.

The ride home was silent for a while. We stopped for gas, and I offered to pump, and she offered me an iced tea.
We were quiet for a while, and she thanked me for pumping. I said thank you for the tea and apologized for being short. She said it was fine, but that she had a headache.
She put in India Arie’s Voyage to India and we both began to feel better.
I asked her if she wanted a neck rub if it would make her feel better. She grinned and straightened up. She had a lot of knots from the stress with her parents and from Lacrosse. I promised her I’d take out each one and we just talked and sang along with the songs. I kissed her shoulder when I was done, and they were gone.

I think I might be falling for her. Don’t hold your breath.
That is part of what got me in the bad mood; I felt like somehow I’m failing her. She needed a friend who wasn’t trying to get with her, and I was there for her.

Lox and I worked on cleaning up the classroom today, and I got the entire computer lab set up. It was dirty work, and exhausting, but we came back and made pizza together. I think we’re getting along much better. It’s hard for me to make friends with guys.

Tomorrows is our first teachers meeting. Wish me luck.

Oh, by the way. I sold two prints so far (yaaaay!!!). If you know who bought them, let me know because DA doesn’t tell me. I just wanna thank them. I sold “Fallen Hero” and “Iron Flow”. Tenks!

Mood: Compassionate .: Wandering :.
Listening to: .: The Rocketeer :.
Reading: .: The Autobiography of Malcolm X w. Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: The Air Up There :.

Inquisition: Who is it you want to be?

Aloha!

I want off this continent.
I am sitting at camp watching “The Air Up There”.
And want to go.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I am lonely. I want to be loved.
I feel far away from God, distant from where I want to be. I know I am not as far away as I once was, but I yearn to be closer.
I want to put other people before myself. I want to be unselfish.
And yet these come in conflict with my first statements of this paragraph. And as I puzzle these things the rest my brain realizes that this is how I solve things, wandering over and over through the maze of gardens in my head until all 4 of me meet and come to a conclusion.
Logic, Passion, Joy & Mystery.

Mood: Compassionate .: Wet :.
Listening to: .: Vanessa Mae :.
Reading: .: The Autobiography of Malcolm X w. Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: The Olympics :.

Inquisition: What are you passionate about?

Aloha!

I am beat. Camp is completely wearing me out. I gave up my day off for another teacher who is very very sick so he could go to the hospital. We have much more kids than usual this time and it is grinding us slowly down.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, so no doubt this journal will be as sporadic as my thoughts are.
I think I’ve lost most of my watchers in the 6 or so months that I have not submitted anything. Most of my work remains silent and commentless. I also think the new set up for DA kind of does not facilitate the discovery of lesser-known artists either. It is not that I seek popularity; I just like talking with people through comments.

The connection here at camp is terrible; so the dozens of deviations I have to submit remain on my hard drive. I’ve been able to catch up with commenting, though, and am currently involved in a rather deep debate with an agnostic.

I also got a chance to catch up on e-mail; I e-mailed Tamika, my mom, Coco and a bunch of others. I e-mailed Babchi (my grandmother on my Dad’s side) today. She apparently had some sort of accident (my mother told me about it). I really hope she’s doing ok. I wish I could call her.

I need to get home sometime, even for a couple hours so I can mail some books I sold. I listed a bunch hoping to be able to send them on my day off. Fortunately the two, which sold during the week, were postponed because of the payments not getting in, so I have a bit of leeway while the post offices are closed for the weekend, but I’m going to have to find some way to get out there Monday.

Dreams have been vivid lately. The first was of me visiting some sort of church. A priest who seemed to be an old friend accompanied me. He wore long dark robes, like those I’ve seen worn in South American Catholic churches and a small white collar. The church was a building made with Asian architecture, of dark grey rock and a deep red roof. Pine trees lay all around it, in between winding cobblestone paths made of the same dark grey rock. A brook 2 feet deep rushed next to the path, it’s turquoise current rushing far faster than any creek that size had a right to. It splashed and ripped around the curves and under a steeply arching bridge in the path. Mist flowered around everything. A pond lay under and around the building, though the building was not raised. The spring which was it source appeared to be under the building somewhere. Some others and me were led by attendants across a few stepping stones lit by curious lanterns on poles sticking out of the pond. We entered using a small door on the left side of the building and went through a hallway to the sanctuary. The pews were set up as low yellow walls. They had folding down seats, but on each side of the wall, so that the audience could turn around when action happened behind them on the circular stage that went around the entire room. The only other thing I remember is there being an old Catholic priest at the front.
The second dream was later that night; I was riding my motorcycle along a long dark country road. Berte Thompson, my old boss back at Messiah pulled up on a Harley, said hello, and drove off. I came up on a curvy road with low rust red hills as the sun was setting and decided to stop to take a picture. I ran up a hill, but a group of high school graduates showed who were wandering around came in my direction and milled around me, blocking my shot. They were very good-natured, but would not get out of the way. They were busy taking graduation pictures. One of them looked a little like Inya, but with a short crop of straightened hair. She ignored me.
I decided to move on. Just around the bend lay a fjord, but the water was so deep I knew I wouldn’t be able to get my motorcycle through it. I stopped and parked, it was getting very dark. The lake that was flowing into the fjord was perfectly still, and reflected a glorious but very dark sunset of purple and gold.
I have a few ideas what that dream might mean.
The last dream happened this morning, and was very short. I was back on campus, and all of a sudden Idiki saw me. She was wearing a turquoise skirt and wrap, and a white top. She barely looked at me, but yelled “Ben!” and rushed over and hugged me very tightly. She started to say something, but I woke up.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Tamika. I have no idea what to make of all my questions, but I know I miss her. I think I’ll leave it at that.

“I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m living for the moment. And I’m thankful for the (girl) that you are… you are…”
~India Arie – Beautiful Surprise

Mood: Compassionate .: Soft :.
Listening to: .: Cars – Drive :.
Reading: .: The Autobiography of Malcolm X w. Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: Soul Videos :.

Inquisition: Where do you go to think?

Aloha!

Tamika plopped down on the love seat across from the couch on which I sat. She had on this very pretty silvery-blue and black outfit which she had worn to help out for the wedding.
My arms were aching from forcing a seat out the door of Talisha’s room, and I sat disjointedly among the giant pillows.
I looked at her. I was tired, and feeling a little selfish. I’d waited all day long to see her, and there she was, sitting across from me.
Sometimes I think so strongly on things that it borders on telekinesis. It’s usually in the ability to interpret thoughts and feelings, but occasionally, when I feel strongly, it feels like I can project my thoughts and feelings.
And with that one look, I did. The whole day, all the moving, even the anxiety and confusion I had on where exactly this was going; all were compounded into one quick look.
She didn’t move. I turned my eyes glazedly toward the TV, moving only slightly.
She got up and bounded over with a pillow, laying next to me with her head on my knee.
Triumphant, I lay my hand on her shoulder, and she dozed off.

There is something about touch. I’m not sure what it is. It send power through me. It heals any troubles, even pain. She nuzzled close and everything simply evaporated. As it slowly melted away, I leaned back.
I think too darn much.
I might as well lay it down so I can think about them clearly and get them off my chest.

I think about how addicting this might be.
I think about how she might be hurt if we part.
I think about how decisions on both side might be influenced by this; big ones like moving and jobs.
I think about how much this is exactly what would lead up to a healthy relationship.
I think about how I want to travel the world still, and how nothing can get in the way of that.
I think about my ideas of the perfect mate and have doubts about how realistic they might be.
I think about how much influence the family has on the child.
I think about how early it is to be worrying about any of this at all…
I think about how thinking too much could derail even a friendship.

Her father’s sermon was good. He spoke about if we were making ourselves ready for spiritual knowledge is important. He gave the analogy of Paul killing Christians and then God preparing him to be ready.

Mr. Pinkney came up to me afterwards and told me he really appreciated me coming not only for the sermon but for letting them take the night off; especially “coming all the way down for nothing”. I assured him it was nothing. And I meant it. I was glad I came.

Tamika and I drove back and went to her house. I helped Vinny set up a light in her room and set the table.
Vinny cooked dinner for us, and invited Vanessa (their old roommate) and her new fiancé over. Vanessa had just announced her engagement. It was a little weird because I don’t know them that well, but we all sat in the living room to eat and started talking and things went fine. Tamika and Vinny are doing quite well again, which made me happy.

Tamika got a little quiet after dinner. I’m not sure if it was getting distracted or something else, but I hope she’s ok. She took me home after a while and I packed for camp.

Camp is going good so far. Lox showed up right when Tamika and I pulled up, as did Chris Spahr (one of the counselors) and Joe Cassimasema (one of the teachers). We have a whole batch of new 6th graders. The 6th grade kids are really cool, I see a lot of potential with them. A couple of them are troublemakers (especially Devon’s brother Marlon… go figure…) but I’m hoping we’ll be able to help them out a bit.

A guy named Pernell (Perk) is helping out with counseling. He’s as tall as me and looks like young Micheal Jordan. He grew up in Harrisburg and is going to Valley Forge Christian College. He’s really cool, and has a lot of good ideas. I’m going to try and keep in touch with him after he leaves at the end of this week (his college starts).

Me, Perk, Mike McGeean and the new Reading teacher (I forget her name) all took the 6th graders on a hike this afternoon. They did pretty good, though a few of the heavier kids lagged behind. We got the heavier kids to lead they way back down, though, and they went so fast we had to struggle to keep up. 🙂

It’s going to get harder and harder, because we are short on counselors already and we’re going to be loosing more next week. But, I think we’ll be alright.

Mood: Meditative / Reflective .: Soft :.
Listening to: .: Musicology on VH1 Soul :.
Reading: .: Ebony Magazine :.
Watching: .: The Maltese Falcon :.

Inquisition: Name your favorite song. If you can’t; name one you really like.

Aloha!

I’m sitting in a dimly lit living room in Perkasie, VH1 Soul softly playing in the background, my laptop humming quietly. The roll of approaching thunderstorms shakes the air dull air, sending wafts through the open screen door to the porch.
Tamika’s mom persuaded me to come.
ISA MuKappa was having a picnic today and going to the beach tomorrow… but I decided to come here.
As I suspected, I was by myself for most of the day… sitting in the living room and copying some good recipes I found in an Ebony magazine.
But the payoff came this evening, when I got to babysit. Tamika’s parents haven’t been doing so well, and one of the things Tamika and I have been persuading them to do was to go out on a date. So, with me being there, they got the opportunity.
Also, Tamika’s dad is preaching in church tomorrow so I want to support him too.

So, here I sit.

Camp (and regular work) starts Monday, which I’m honestly not anticipating with very much enthusiasm.
I mean, I’m looking forward to the kids and the work, but I know I’m going to be worn out. We’re short on staff this time, which might mean no days off for any of us. I’d kind of just like to get school on the road, and to teaching real classes. But we don’t even have our real schedules yet. Ah well. I’m sure everything will fall into place.

I was able to pay of my citation (just) because of some money I got from selling books. I’ve been doing that just to make a little extra money. It is hard trying to survive with all the things I have to worry about. It gets difficult to trust God at times, but I know I must. The motorcycle is curiously low on oil. Mrs. Pinkney bought me some when we went to Wal-Mart. It could be that I didn’t put in enough when I changed it in Connecticut and it has just been to hot and not been enough. There is a small glass porthole on the side of the engine on which there are two lines in between which the oil level is supposed to be.
However, the bike has a kickstand. And when resting on the kickstand, you can see no oil at all through the porthole (though you can when you balance it upright. I didn’t change the oil filter when I changed the oil, so I’ll do that too. I hope the oil filter is not expensive.

Mary White, our landlady was supposed to visit today. Mr. Kirk was going to escort her around the house to figure out what she wanted to do with it and how she was planning to pay for the damage done to the basement by the flood. Mr. Kirk is also going to try and convince her to let us paint the walls.

Be right back…

Just moved all of the stuff our of Tamika’s sister Talisha’s room. She was supposed to do it, but didn’t. Not really. Mrs. Pinkney is getting the whole house recarpeted, and Talisha was supposed to move out the rest of her stuff; her bed, her entertainment center, and her chair (everything else had already been moved out). She didn’t. I ended up moving everything out. That girl need discipline. She no longer pays her parents heed. Tamika and her mom began arguing about moving the TV.

I’m tired.
I hurt my back a bit.
I need to relax. Sometimes I think too much…..