Song playing: Fever – Beyonce
Aloha..
I’m so tired. I’m sick of exams.
But life has been so good.
Sort of.
Yeah.
I’m tired.
The dance was wonderful!
I went to Bangkok House beforehand with Hope, Heather, Lisa, Derek, Luke, Leah and Laura. It was storming (on Friday night) and so I drove Heather’s car. I had asked Inya if she had wanted to come with us, but she was riding with Menkeh and a bunch of other girls, and they had decided to go to the dinner at Hershey Lodge. I drive in the snow really really well, so in spite of the 2 feet of snow we got, it went really well. Dinner was fantastic, I had squid and garlic.
We got to the dance alright safely, and in time. I wore all black (trenchcoat, blazer, dress pants & shoes, silk shirt) and a silver tie. It was new for me, and it worked rather well. I met up with Inya, Idiki, Menkeh, and Victoria. The music wasn’t that great, but I had fun anyways. I danced almost the entire time.
Something was different… I was being treated differently by the girls. I felt as if I was… off limits. As if I was attached. But I wasn’t. I felt that way the whole evening, but I still had fun anyways. I was practically ignored, though.
Jen Giles came up to me, apparently her boyfriend (now her ex) had been a jerk lately, and had brought her to the dance and then left her. I talked with her for a bit and helped her get over it.
And I danced. Silvia danced with me for a while. She’s had a crush on me since she got here; she’s a transfer student from Mexico, but has never said it outright (other people told me, and it wasn’t like I hadn’t picked it up). We’re good friends, (despite her daily task of doing everything she can to make me blush) and it works well like that. We danced swing for a while, and it was good to see her eyes light up. It’s been rough since she came here, because she’s not the greatest at English.
Morgan was there, and he did a dance where he pretended something was in his hands. We threw it back and forth for a while, that was a fun.
The dance ended at around 12, and we drove home. We must have stopped 4 times for different accidents along the road, people spinning off the road and stuff. Nobody got hurt, and everyone was being helpful and stopping, so we weren’t needed.
Inya called me when we got back. I felt bad, because I really didn’t know how to act when we met at the dance. I felt like asking her to dance, but I didn’t feel it was the right time. She confessed she felt the same with me, too. She almost asked me to dance as well (these are slow dances we’re talking about). I think it was for the better, though. I also made the very very stupid mistake of not complimenting her on her outfit (which was stunning). She wore a fantastic red and maroon African tie-dyed dress. It looked really really good. But, because I was too much of a bloody fool, I didn’t say anything. I brought it up and apologized on the phone, but I still felt like a punk. 😛
We went to see the movie “Fighting Temptations” on Saturday. It’s a good movie, but Cuba’s acting in it is just STUPID. He acts like such a moron in it. Beyonce singing was incredible, though. I have the soundtrack for the movie, and it rocks. It’s very obviously sponsored by Pepsi too. Very obviously sponsored. Inya and I talked at points during the movie. I growl unconsciously when I disagree strongly with something, and movies are no exception. It’s a low, deep grrr, barely audible unless you’re right next to me. Inya always pokes me when I do it, so I tired to stop doing it, but she made a comment this time and asked why I wasn’t doing it. I had been trying to suppress it a bit, because I thought it bothered her. But she said it didn’t.
It is a little strange, but it’s very unconscious. I think it comes from spending so much time with animals and picking up behavioral traits from home. Oh well. As long as she doesn’t mind. 🙂
I went to Christian Life Assembly Church on Sunday morning, and for the first time I went to their College Church. It was ok. I felt like I was surrounded by a lot of white people. I usually feel that, but the College Church seemed very … pristine. And instead of having a speaker, we just watched a taped message from the pastor on the big screen on the wall. The pastor is really a good speaker, but I think I would have rather seen him in person than on the screen. It gave me a headache after a while.
Only me, Kim, and Victoria were up for some reason. Usually there are a lot more people in attendance to the Church. Victoria and I got to talk a bit on the ride home in the bus. She seems very interested in me, especially the Native American side of me. In any case, she asked me what the hardest thing of being at home was. And I said it was probably the fact that even though some of them showed affection to me, none of the Naskapi girls would ever go out with me because of my skin colour. This got us talking, and she asked stuff about if I felt like I experienced that kind of prejudice here and that type of thing. It was a very good conversation.
Inya and I have been having these serendipitous conversations where we would both end up calling each other at the same time and such. This is a little weird. Because this serendipity stuff seems to happen every time I get close to someone. It’s very freaky.
Anyhow, we talked until about 4 in the morning.
And it got deep. It was absolutely wonderful. We talked about us, and I figured out why everyone was treating me different at the dance. Apparently, somehow everyone had figured out how I felt about her. And so, I guess that’s why they avoided me. But it was weird, since I wasn’t actually officially WITH her either. I stated I really could care less what everyone else thought, as long as it did not harm her. And we talked more. She told me a lot of things that she wouldn’t normally tell people, as did I. We were so open with each other, and our walls began to come down. She is so fascinating to talk to, I love her sense of intellect. And there are a lot of other things that I could not mention… but it was beautiful.
However, we DID talk until 4 in the morning…. and perhaps let our guards down a little too far.
Yesterday after Gospel Choir, we walked home, and Hope mentioned she and Inya and Idiki we’re going to go to the store, and I asked if I could join them. I needed groceries, and I needed to stock up for Spring semester.
So, I went. Idiki and Inya were talking in “symbols” to each other about this guy Inya needed to talk to.
At first, I admit, I felt jealous. I even asked Inya about it, and she nonchalantly said she didn’t really want to talk about it.
But, I realized she was right. I had had the nagging feeling all day that I was getting too close… especially the night before… especially for something that wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a friendship.
I felt like the Monday was a little too soon to call her again, but vowed that I would the next day after practice (which is today)
Serendipity, lo and behold, I get home and there is a message waiting for me. From her. 🙂
And, I call her, and guess what she wanted to talk about.
She felt we were getting to close too. She said she didn’t know what to do… that she didn’t want to loose the friendship, but felt like we were too close. I know I felt like Sunday night might have been the beginning of a slip. A selfish part of me enjoyed it. I wanted to gleefully slip into a relationship. But, I knew I had to have a little more sense than that. I need to play my part in being a gentleman and a man of good character in resisting the temptation to lead on and to give in. Because it would be so easy and so wonderful to. But I know she doesn’t find me completely attractive, and I don’t think she knows enough about the rest of me to really understand who I am. She knows how I feel about her, but I’m still uncertain as to what God wants me to do as well. She is more interested in me than anyone I’ve ever know, and is a better friend than I’ve ever known. And I will do anything in my power not to loose that. I think we’ll be ok, and that this can work as a friendship.
I so wish I could be free with her. I wish it all did not matter. And I’m so glad our friendship is still remaining strong.
There are all kinds of other things going on, but they’re not important enough to talk about now. Mesgana, my next door neighbor has been being self-centered, and it’s been affecting Nina a lot, and I’ve been talking to her. But the grounds he has are so inane they’re not worth it.
Anyhow, Inya thinks we might need a bit of a break, and I think I agree, so we’ll see what happens.
In God I trust.