Inquisition: When do you feel the calmest?
Aloha!
Sometimes I often feel the reason why I don’t write so regularly is that I fear getting it all down. Life has been so accelerated and so beautiful lately, I fear that I will not do it justice…
…And you thought the last one was long…
Friday, September 17th.
I was expecting her to come over. She had watched “Japanese Story” with Vinny, but said it was really good and that she wanted to watch it with me.
She said she’d call me after work and come over.
She didn’t get off work until 10 that day, so I cleaned up my room, and sorted books too. I took a long bath, cleaned up, and decided to shave. Yup, the little bit on my chin is gone. Tamika had suggested I leave it to define my face when I got my haircut, but I felt it was getting too long and unruly so I chopped it.
I was surprised at how much it had defined my face, but didn’t mind it gone.
As it got later, I got more restless. I lit candles. I straightened pillows. I adjusted lights. I put on cologne.
Some things have not changed. I still get excited. It could be a just a girl who happens to be a friend, or a girlfriend I’d been with for a long time. I get excited. And maybe a little nervous.
I flopped down on the futon. I could smell her on it.
I jumped up and did crunches until I was too tired to do anymore…
“You’re being silly.” Logic said.
Joy remarked silly was ok.
I felt… I knew it was coming.
Stacey Kent made it better as well as making it worse. I listened to her, spinning slowly in my desk chair, looking up at the carved Chinese lantern. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore and I wrote .
Finally, she called.
She wasn’t coming.
Vinny wasn’t doing so well, and had come to pick her up at work and asked her to hang out with her.
I sighed.
“I think she wants to drink, but I really don’t feel like it myself…” Tamika said, “We’ll probably just watch TV, like we always do. Are you mad?”
“No,”
“I’m sorry… She just came over, and she wanted to hang out, and I really didn’t feel like dealing with telling her ‘No, I’m going to go hang out with Ben.’, that would have been a pain.”
“Yeah, I understand. Don’t worry about it.”
“What have you been up to?” She asked.
“Nothing much. Just cleaning my room up.’
“I’ll come tomorrow, ok? You sure you aren’t mad?”
“Maybe a little disappointed,” I smiled, “But no, not mad.”
I refused to let myself go crazy, so I did photography. What you see in my gallery is a result of that one night…
Saturday, September 18th.
She came over to watch “Japanese Story.”
The rent was past due at Blockbuster, but she wanted to see it with me so she said it didn’t matter.
We didn’t get to it for a while. I had cleaned my room really nice, and had put up lots of artwork all over my walls (you can see them in the background of . I also put up drawings on the opposite wall, and put up a Chinese lantern up that I had bought at a yard sale. The movie is very good and very beautiful, but incredibly sad.
She cried sadly and I hugged her tight.
We talked even more after the movie, talking about how everything worked out, and how such a movie was made so sad, and yet had such a good ending, and how I wanted to visit Australia.
We went to bed at 5.
Sunday, September 19th.
We woke up far too late, of course. The church we had planned to go to was at 11 or so, but I let her sleep in. She had been worn out by the past week, and needed to catch up. We had wanted to go to another AME church I had visited a while ago. She still wanted to avoid Reverend Thomas’ church because of Jeff.
I drew a bath for her and went down to make some omelette’s for us.
Lox burst through the door. “The Susquehanna’s flooded!” He yelled.
I was surprised. I looked out the window. The sky was a gorgeous blue with fluffy clouds and the whole block was lit up with sun.
It had rained the day before, though, and the river had risen almost 30 feet above normal level. All of downtown swam in 4 feet of water and was completely shut down.
Tamika came down wearing this wonderful brown skirt she had bought. I had gotten dressed up in a Van Heusen shirt and a retro brown blazer I’d picked up at Salvation Army.
We ate our breakfast, and then I brought her up onto the roof of my house. We lay out a blanket and had a drawing lesson. I worked out the geometry of the hand for her, measuring and figuring out proportions I had never realized before as I went. She’s a little scared of heights, but I got her to lie down and stick our heads out over the edge and look down.
We didn’t stay up for long, since she had a number of errands to run.
83 was the only bridge still open, and the traffic crawled along it. As we got near the river, we saw rows of cars parked along the emergency lanes. At first we thought it was people escaping from downtown to keep their cars out of the water, but soon realized it was all sightseers.
I asked Tamika if we could stop and get out. She laughed. “I was going to anyways,” she said, “Copycat…”
“I thought of it first!” I protested.
She squeezed the Volkswagen into the line and we got out. Wind tore at our clothes, and I gave her my blazer to wrap around her waist. The river was thick as chocolate milk, with pieces of houses and trees from upstream bobbing and churning through it. Tamika leaned over the edge and looked down. All of downtown Harrisburg looked like Venice, with garbage cans and propane tanks drifting down the streets.
Two military helicopters hovered up and down the river, a Chinook and an Apache. Chinooks are really cool; it’s just neat to see something the size of three or four school buses float in the air. At one point they flew right over us, no more than 100 feet over the bridge. We walked down an on ramp (the same one I had my motorcycle accident on earlier this year) to the water. The base of the ramp looked like a seashore, waves lapping up at the edge where the concrete met the water.
A cop came down the ramp and told everyone to get back, that our cars were slowing traffic and creating a hazard, so I helped her over the concrete barrier and back to the car.
She had some errands to run, so we went to her bank and then to Gabriel Brothers. I had gotten a couple of cheques from my family for graduation, so we cashed them.
Monday, September 20th.
I didn’t have work, and neither did she.
We went to the Salvation Army. I badly needed pants and wanted to check to see if they had any Van Heusen or other nice shirts. She followed me a bit as I shuffled through the racks and then went off to look around on her own. I didn’t find any good pants, but found some nice shirts and also got a space heater that would definitely help once winter rolled around.
We went to visit Tamika’s Mama Linda. Mama Linda is this cool lady who used to work at Kohl’s and “adopted” Tamika. Their family is really cool. They live at a farm nearby Messiah. She and Gordon have adopted all their children.
We flew over the rolling sunset farmland, the tiny wheels of her Golf hugging the pavement.
“Gordon’s rather… sarcastic.” She warned. “He likes to make fun of people. And I know how sensitive you are…”
I smiled. “It’s ok. I’ll be alright. Vinny has helped me get better.”
“Just don’t take it hard. He does it to everyone.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll put my guard up.”
We pulled into the sprawling farm at dusk.
They welcomed us in cheerily. Their daughter, a pretty young Mexican girl blushed and ushered me in. Mama Linda sized me up pretty quick. She plopped me down at the table where she was scrolling through sheets of food orders for the Daycare she ran and put me to work. Gordon, as predicted, shot out sarcasm through the whole thing, but everything actually went really well. I brought out some conversation and kidded with them. I joked about the miserable abbreviations on the food order and had Mama Linda laughing. “He’s a keeper!” she poked at Tamika. Tamika’s eyes sparkled as she looked across the table for me. Their younger daughter, a beautiful African American girl and son, a Spanish mix, were so cute. Their eldest made us some chicken cordon bleu and served us up some pie and we ate. Gordon made a crack about Tamika only coming over to eat.
Afterwards, Mama Linda, Tamika and I sat on the couch and watched the Emmys. I was still on a roll from talking with Gordon, and we laughed at the ridiculous costumes and voted for our favourite actresses and actors.
At one point Mama Linda asked Tamika something and she responded. I didn’t hear from the noise of the TV, and Tamika nudged me.
“Isn’t that right?”
“Isn’t what right?”
“I told Mama Linda you and I are on the same page.”
I smiled and looked at Mama Linda. “Uh huh. Same page, same paragraph, same sentence, and occasionally…” I paused and looked at Tamika.
She looked at me back. My voice trailed off.
She hid her mouth under her blanket and darted her eyes back to the TV. We’d both been jinxing each other a lot lately, saying the same word at the same times, thinking exactly the same things, doing something right when the other needed it… it was kinda cool.
Slowly, (usually during the commercials) she moved closer to me, until at last her knees touched my leg. I smiled at her.
Mama Linda gave me a big hug when we left, welcoming me back, whether or not Tamika came with me.
“Yeah, you can leave her home.” Gordon said under his breath…
Tuesday, September 21st.
I went over to Tamika’s after work with her.
She wanted to go check out a music store she was considering taking piano lessons from. We drove out there, but found it was already closed.
She wasn’t doing too well. Vinny and she weren’t getting along. Vinny said she was feeling jealous of all the time that Tamika spent with me, and that she wasn’t being included. It made Tamika not want to hang out with her though, because every time Vinny called her, Vinny would ask if I was with her. And if I was, she would get annoyed.
We walked down Market Street in Mechanicsburg as she vented. Mechanicsburg’s downtown is really beautiful, full of quaint little shops and storefronts. It reminded me of the Vermont towns that my parents would always drive through with us on our way to Connecticut.
I walked slowly, just listening. Finally, she asked me.
“Benhamean, why do you put up with me?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, genuinely puzzled.
“I’ve got so many problems I’m working out… so much stuff…”
I thought a moment.
“If that’s what it takes to be your friend, I don’t mind.”
She smiled sadly up at me.
As we walked back to the car, I suggested we invite Vinny along to the movie. We had planned to go see Hero that night.
“I was just going to suggest that.” She said.
“Meow.” I responded.
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“No.”
She called Vinny. Vinny hadn’t eaten, and with Tamika’s convincing finally bribed her to come as long as we brought her Wendy’s.
Tamika hung up and looked across the roof of the car at me.
“Are you sure?”
I smiled. “Yes.”
“You wanted to go and get popcorn from your place, though, right?”
“Yeah, but I like Wendy’s too…” I grinned.
“Okay.” She smiled, climbing in.
We drove off.
“Thanks for being flexible, Benhamean…”
We ate our dinner and then rushed to the theatre.
Hero.
Hero is one of the most fantastic movies I have seen in a long time.
It’s my new favorite. I could not easily tire of seeing it. However, to watch it that night was torture.
Vinny sat in between Tamika and I in the theatre. At first it did not bother me, but as the movie went on, and the really sad parts hit, I could feel myself slipping. I could tell Tamika was crying, and it shredded me. It really hurt to be so close and yet so helpless to simply be able to be close enough to comfort her.
It’s why I don’t like watching movies alone.
I was silent on the ride home.
We watched Queer Eye with Vinny, and then went to have a Bible Study in her room.
Tamika was doing some laundry and looked at me funny.
She went out, then turned around and came back in, standing at the door. I sat crosslegged on the floor.
“What’s wrong?” she whispered, peeking out the door to see if Vinny was around.
I shook my head.
“Tell me.”
I shook again, smiling sadly.
“Come on… tell me.”
I shook my head, and motioned for her to go finish.
“Is it Vinny?”
I shook my head, and motioned again.
She bent close. “Will you tell me when I get back?” she whispered.
I nodded.
She paused at the door and left.
When she came back, the shut the door smoothly and mimicked my pose on the floor across from me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
I felt like a deer in headlights. I paused.
“It was … hard.”
“What was hard?” she pressed.
“Seeing you cry. It was hard for me to sit there by myself, knowing you were so sad and not being able to do anything.”
“Awww… I didn’t cry that much…”
“I know… but it was still very hard, because I could feel it…”
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s ok. It’s just one of the reasons why I don’t like watching movies alone.”
The Bible Study was a good one. We talked about all kinds of things, debating why Jesus would keep his miracles secret and how much of a human he was to be tempted.
We got to talking. She sat on the floor in the corner by her closet and I sat at the base of the bed cross-legged.
“You know what I like?” she asked, “I like how we haven’t had the ‘define the relationship’ talk. I like that a lot.”
“Me too. I was just thinking that. We really are on the same page; we just know… neither of us are ready to go back into the whole girlfriend boyfriend thing right now.”
“There are just some things I need to get out of my system.”
“I know. And to learn. I know we’re both growing a lot.”
“You think so? I’m not sure…”
“You don’t see it? You’re changing so much!”
“Maybe physically…”
“I see a change.” I said, “You’re growing in a lot of ways. There isn’t a day I’m with you where I don’t notice you learning something new. And the same thing goes for me.”
“I guess I’m not used to it…”
“One thing I’m not used to—having someone care about me.”
“Mmmmm.”
“I’m used to caring so much about the other person and not receiving anything.”
“I don’t like receiving.” She said.
“I know you don’t. And yet… you don’t seem to mind receiving it from me…”
“Yeah, I know…”
“I’m learning a lot too. I’m not used to having someone care for me this much. Especially with money…”
She laughed. “I don’t mind it. I like helping you out.”
I sighed. “It’s just hard to get used to; I’m not accustomed to it.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a chauvinist pig.”
She laughed.
“No, really.” I objected. “I’ve made myself a superb gentleman, and if I had my way, you wouldn’t pay for a thing.”
She laughed again. “Oh well… that’s really… just too too bad, isn’t it?”
I laughed and reached over and tickled her foot.
Wednesday, September 22nd.
I came into work late. Because we had had Monday off from the flood, and Lox woke me on Tuesday, my alarm was still set on 9:00 AM, instead of the 6 I was supposed to rise at. I woke with a start at 7:40. I threw on my clothes and thundered down the stairs. I was only 10 minutes late, until I realized it was my day to set up breakfast.
I found them all eating in the mess hall. Mrs. Cheney simply gave me a look.
“7:15.” She said coldly.
“…sorry…” I replied meekly, “I’ll come in early Thurs—“
“Yes.”
She turned away.
Thursday is my “late start” day, when we’re allowed to come into school at 9:45.
I came home from work exhausted; they day had simply dragged on… three times that day I had thought it was later than it was before catching myself.
I flopped down on my bed, but wasn’t able to sleep.
I glanced at the phone.
It was working again, but no messages blinked at me.
I got up and went downstairs. I hooked up the Yamaha to the Rhodes and began playing; trying to work out Randy Newman’s song “I love to see you smile.” Lox was in the kitchen making tortillas. We talked for a bit. Spam, our drummer, just had sent an e-mail telling of his quitting. He’s just not feeling the music anymore. Lox of course was depressed. We talked about the band and where it was heading. I think Lox is losing a lot of hope.
I got pretty far with the song, and was working on the baseline and singing, and Lox called out from the kitchen.
The front door slammed.
“Hey Ben, when did you say Tamika was supposed to come over?” He asked over my singing.
I got up, and found Tamika hiding grinning the corner.
“You ready?” she asked.
“Karate? Sure. Let me get my stuff.”
I hopped in the car, and we sped off.
“You eat yet?” I asked.
“No. Vinny’s cooking for us, though.”
“Oh, ok. How was your day?”
They had switched her departments at Kohl’s, from kids to housewares. It sounded like it might be good for her, but she was going to miss her co-worker Judy.
We got to the house and walked in, but it was very quiet. We cleaned up the mess in the kitchen, and Vinny came up from downstairs. She had had a rough day at work and had fallen asleep in the chair down there. Tamika and I finished up cleaning and Vinny cooked sausages and French fries for us.
After we ate, we cleaned up again, and I told Tamika I’d give her a lesson in web design, and I’d install Dreamweaver on her computer. Vinny was using it just then, so I sat down and working on colouring the self-portrait I did at the hotel. Tamika curled up next to me and immediately fell asleep.
Vinny stayed on for a while, playing mahjong. Occasionally Tamika peeked over at me through half closed eyes, then smiled going back to sleep.
When Vinny was done, I installed Dreamweaver and we went over what Tamika wanted on her web site and made a list of what we needed to do.
We somehow got on the topic of French, and I began teaching her some new phrases (I’d already taught her things like “bon nuit”, “a demain” and “bien dormir”). She has a beautiful accent, though it’s really hard for her to roll her r’s. She makes funny faces when she tries to do them.
She made repeat stuff over and over again to her, watching me wide eyed like a little kid absolutely fascinated with a toy in a storefront window.
My voice changes when speak I speak French (or when I speak in any other language or accent, for that matter) and she loved it. I asked her about it, and embarrassed she hid behind a pillow.
“But it’s just so cool!” came her muffled laugh.
Vinny speaks French quite well, so she joined in for a while. Her accent is really bad, though, so it was hard for me to understand her.
We went down to watch Queer Eye after that, and during the commercials Tamika gave us quick Karate lessons. She promised to go over them later.
Vinny went to bed after the show was over, but Tamika and I continued to watch TV and switched to MTV. They had a documentary on Shyne; a rapper imprisoned 3 years ago or so. ~r3s3nt, if you’re reading this, you should check that documentary out. I was quite impressed with Shyne’s attitude towards his incarceration and his outlook on life.
The basement kind of stunk because during the rainstorm they had gotten a bit of water in the basement, so during a commercial Tamika and I ran upstairs and watched TV in her room. I played with her hair as she dozed, and then we switched. After the show was over, we had Bible study and then just talked for a while. We got silly, tore around the room in a tickle fight. We beat each other with pillows, laughing and her squealing as we tossed each other around. It then got into a wrestling match, but neither of us could hold each other down for very long; we were just too ticklish. Finally we lay there exhausted. I was afraid we would wake Vinny, but I was having too much fun to care. We stared at the ceiling panting.
“Where are the places you’re going to go when you pay off your loans?” she asked.
I stared at the ceiling. “Hmmm. Australia. That’s where I want to go the most. Hawaii, Japan, Vietnam, Laos, Hong Kong, Beijing, Bangkok, India, Madagascar, Zambia, Kenya, South Africa, Ghana, Nigeria, Morocco, Tunisia… did you know there are hundreds of Roman ruins there?”
“No…”
“Yeah. I heard it’s better than Italy, because no one knows about it. All across North Africa, there are hundreds of ruins along the coast Mediterranean. It’s supposed to beautiful. Anyway, continuing: Italy, France, Spain, Chile, Ecuador… I must see those places.”
“How are you going to get there?”
“Drive.”
“Drive?”
“Yup. The first thing I plan to do is drive across the country. Then, from San Diego or San Francisco I’ll get on a boat… Do you still want to come?”
”Yeah. The only thing is… what if I get a job? I need an engineering job, to pay my bills. I want to help my parents out too… and it will make them happy if I get a job in the field I studied…”
“Even if you don’t want one?”
“But it will mean lots of money…” she sighed. “I don’t know. I love my family so much. But I could stand to be away from them for a while…”
“How long is a while?”
“I don’t know… maybe I could come and visit you.”
“Maybe you could come along for the first part of the trip.”
“Maybe… How are you going to make money?”
“I’ll make it wherever I am. Whenever I’m short on money, I’ll stop. I’ll work, until I have enough to go on again. That’s why I want to be rid of my bills before I go. If I have a car, it won’t be so bad. Gas is expensive, but it’s not too much to fill up the tank. And you can go pretty far on a tank.”
“Hmm. Maybe you should go to South America first.”
“I thought of that. I promised some of my friends in Ecuador I would come and visit them. I also thought about getting on a ship in Mexico instead. Do you remember in the end of Shawshank Redemption? That town the guy Red ended up meeting the main character? Maybe I’d go down there.”
“If I went… what about my passport? It’s out of date…”
“You’ll have to renew it, I suppose. I should have dual citizenship by then. I won’t have too much trouble at borders.”
“What about me?” she asked.
“No worries. I’ll just tell them you’re in progress.”
“In progress?”
“Yeah. Your paperwork hasn’t gone through yet. And besides… they don’t hate Americans in ALL countries…”
She laughed.
“I want to go.” She said, after a pause.
“Yeah? Ok. I think it would be nice to have you along.”
She smiled.
“After going to the beach with me, I think you could pretty much endure anything.” I laughed.
She giggled at me and poked me in the ribs. “I’ll have to ask my mom. Just because. Because I trust her. If she says ok, then it’s cool.”
“You sure? You’re so attached to your family. Are you sure you could leave them?”
“Yeah. It would be nice to get away for a while. As long as I’d be able to write, and have a cell. Just call my mom two or three times a week…”
“Wow. Ok, we’ll have to see what she says then.”
She smiled at me. I smiled back.
“Whoa, do that again.” She said suddenly.
“What?”
“Your eyes turned green.”
My eyes change colour based on how I’m feeling. I closed them, and opened them again.
“Cool. They’re green.” She laughed.
“Dark too?” I asked
“Uh huh. What does green mean?”
I smiled. “I’ll tell you later.”
Her eyes were a very dark. “My eyes don’t ever change. Always the same brown.” She sighed.
“Not true. Try changing your mood.”
“Hmm. I heard your pupils get very big whenever you look at something you like.”
“Yup, that’s true.”
She rolled over and looked at me, then laughed hiding under her blanket.
“What?” I asked.
“Your pupils are really big.” She laughed, poking her head out.
I smiled. “Look at me.” I said. She stared at me.
“They’re so big!” she laughed.
“Yours are too. They change colours too.”
“Nuh uh.” She closed here eyes for a moment, and then opened them again. They faded lighter. “Did they?”
“Uh huh. Very light. A little bit of yellow.”
She closed them again. “Now?”
Her eyes glowed ebony, silky and slightly misty.. like a brand new piano’s keys.
I just smiled.
She hid under the covers.
“What were you feeling?” I asked.
“I’ll tell you later.”
She took me home later.
She pulled up in front of the house.
“So, can I come to your house this weekend?” I asked. She was videotaping a wedding again, and would be heading home. But I’d noticed there was something…
It was usually no problem; I almost always came along if I had nothing to do. But somehow every time it came up as she was talking about it in front of other people, there was hesitation. I thought she must have been contemplating something. So, I let it be. I knew she needed to think something through.
“I’m not sure…”
“I noticed. What’s up?”
“Well, Mike asked me to go out with him on Sunday, and I told him I would.” She said sheepishly.
I nodded. Mike was her ex. She had given him multiple chances, but had finally realized there was a lot she could deal with, and he was not the man for her. They were still friends, though she kept him at arms length.
“I want you to come. Otherwise I would have asked you, I just don’t know how to work it out.”
“I don’t mind, either way. I could just stay at your parent’s house.” I shrugged.
“Mmmm… I was just thinking… and I wasn’t sure…”
“I know. That’s why I asked.”
“Let me think about it, ok? I’ll let you know tomorrow.”
“Ok. I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Ok.”
“Bon nuit, Tamika.”
“Bon nuit…” She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek tightly. I turned kissing her twice on hers…
We recomposed ourselves and smiled.
“Bien dormir…” I called as I gathered my stuff.
She clicked, smiling. “Ditto.”
Thursday, September 23rd.
She called me right after she got out of work.
She was in Gabriel Brothers, looking through clothes. I knew something was wrong.
Her parents were fighting again.
She is incredibly close to her mother; they act like I would imagine sisters would… sharing everything, talking about everything. There is no one she trusts or cares for more, I don’t think.
Tamika just needed a time out. She had actually had a pretty good day at work, but when her mom had called her it had sent everything down.
Tamika beat around the bush, saying she didn’t want to talk about it on the phone. She asked if she could come over.
I said sure.
I worked on the computer a bit. I growled. So few men had Tamika trusted in the world, because of what she had been through and because of what she had seen her mother go through…
I slept a bit.
I was so tired. I awoke with a start an hour and a half later. The light in my room glowed.
Had I missed it? I checked the answering machine. Nothing.
I tapped with my pen.
Finally, I called her.
She was still in Gabriel Brothers. Embarrassed, I told her to take her time. She smiled and said she’d be over soon.
She came over, and I led her up the stairs.
She happily showed me the things she had bought, but I could see plainly.
She told me the whole story. Neither of her parents were on the same page, and it was hurting them badly now not to be able to talk with each other.
When she finished the tale she was exhausted. We just stared into space for a while. I leaned back on the futon and just prayed.
Vinny called her cell phone, and she chatted with her. Vinny seemed a little miffed that Tamika wasn’t around, but she joked it off. They talked about some guy Vinny had met, who was a fanatic about Star Wars. Tamika laughed. “I’m reaaaally not into that…” she said.
After a while, she pulled away and put her phone in her purse. She looked at me a moment. ”I want you to come home with me.” She said.
I paused.
“What about Mike?” I asked.
“We’ll work something out. I don’t want to go home alone.”
“Ok. When are you going out with him?”
“Sunday.”
“Ok. How about I just ride home with your parents after church, and then you can go out with him?”
“I don’t think my parents are going this Sunday. And besides, Mike lives like right close to the church.”
“Oh, I see.”
“We can go to my Mommom’s church. Her church is early… I really want to go to church, though.”
“Yeah, ‘cause we missed last week.”
“Ok. It’s going to be late, though. I had to swing extra hours tomorrow just so I can have Saturday off. I won’t get out until 10 or so.”
“That’s ok.”
“Do you mind driving?”
“No. I’ll take a nap after school too.”
“Ok.” She sighed.
“What time do you have to get up tomorrow?”
“I work at 10. I have some laundry to do before, though.”
I nodded.
“What time are you getting up?” she asked.
“6:45. It’s my turn to do breakfast again, I have to be over early.”
“Hmmmmm…”
“Why, you want to stay here?”
“Yeah… I should go to do laundry, then I can just set it and go back to sleep… but if I’m up early…”
She hugged me. “Do you have a t-shirt I can borrow?”
“Sure.” I said, and got up.
I rummaged through my closet chuckling.
“What’s so funny?” she called.
I tossed my Star Wars t-shirt at her. “Because you’re reaaaally not into that…” I mocked. She swatted me and then went to put it on.
We lay there for a long time, listening to Billie Holiday and Natalie Cole. I wrapped my arms around her and she fell asleep.
It was wonderful.
The night was cool and the blankets on the futon very soft. I dozed off and on, but kept waking up to check on her. After awhile I rose slowly, and tucked her in and crawled into my sleeping bag on my bed. She slept.
I was worried about her. About her parents… I put my pillow on the other end of the bed so I could see her, and prayed until I fell asleep.
Friday, September 24th.
The alarm was brutal, and felt like a machine gun going off next to my head, but it got me up. I washed up, got dressed, and woke Tamika.
For the first time in who knows how long, her back didn’t hurt. Usually her back hurts because it’s slightly twisted out of shape. She got changed and washed up, gave me a hug and left.
School started out well. But Mr. Needham had to take the day off, and so Mrs. Cheney asked me to substitute his classes. I didn’t mind, but when I got there the kids were very unruly and I ended up putting one kid in an hour and a half detention. It didn’t help that Mr. Needham hadn’t taught the lesson for the work he had assigned, leaving me scrambling to figure out what he had taught them last time and where they actually were. Later in the day I had to dish out more detentions, and sent a kid to the office for taking a swipe at me after I pulled him off of beating the mess out of another boy. By the time I had left school I was simply exhausted.
Lox was feeling down about the band again. I retreated to the side room and just played my heart out on my piano for a while.
After eating something I went upstairs and took a really long bath then went to sleep.
Tamika awoke me with her call. She was at Wal-Mart picking up a present for her sister Talisha’s birthday. I got my stuff together and was ready when she came by.
I had forgotten in my exhaustion that I had promised Tamika that I would cook her some fettuccine for dinner so she could eat while I drove. We stopped at a gas station and I bought her some snacks.
I’m getting used to driving stick a bit more, but it’s still a pain because she’s sitting there next to me. I drive far better on my own, it just makes me nervous. I did do really well, though I was embarrassed because I had to ask her to remind me of the way. We’d been a dozen times, but it’s always very dark and I forget.
We got there in good time, but it was still late when we got there.
We went right to sleep when we got there.
Saturday, September 25th.
Tamika left at 11 for the wedding she had to help videotape, and I stayed home.
Tamika’s mom needed to drive to meet Mr. Pinkney somewhere, and so I came along to drive her car back. She poured her heart out to me, telling me everything she was feeling and what she and Mr. Pinkney had been arguing about. I just sat and listened through most of it. I ached so badly as I learned how she felt. At the end, I begged her not to decide anything now, and not decide anything based on things she had no proof for. I knew too well how when one is feeling numb the decisions you make can often hurt unbearably later.
She thanked me and was a lot more cheerful when we parted.
I glanced in the backseat. Natalia, Tamika’s little sister looked at me sadly. She understood too much, I think. I smiled gently at her and bumped her chin up. She smiled.
I drove home slowly, thinking and praying. I really hope they’re alright.
I did my laundry and wrote most of this journal entry.
I began to watch Kiss of the Dragon, but didn’t finished and fell asleep.
Mrs. Pinkney brought me home some ribs from Applebee’s that she and Mr. Pinkney had gotten when they went out.
I ate a few, and saved the rest for Tamika; I knew she would be hungry when she got back.
I went back to sleep, and then typed some more.
It started getting pretty late, and Mrs. Pinkney went out to get some Chinese food for dinner. Mr. Pinkney came down and we started talking about the Bible study he was leading at church. He was going through a book talking about how to be a good servant and arms bearer of the church. We debated and talked about all kinds of things, going over the balance between church and family.
Sunday, September 26th.
We woke up late. Neither of us even remembered waking up to even think about getting up. We were just too tired.
We went to Talesha’s soccer game. Alex, her probably-boyfriend-to-be, was there.
Joshua was acting up and making a nuisance of himself so I put him on my shoulders and walked around the soccer field with him looking at leaves changing colours.
-missing information-
We drove back late. A TV show had come on just as we were about to leave, “Extreme Makeover”. It’s actually a really really good show. It’s about this group of people who go out and completely redo houses of families whoa re really struggling.
Monday, September 27th.
-Missing information-
Tuesday, September 28th.
-Missing information-
Wednesday, September 29th.
I got home from work. I was going to call Tamika right away, but thought better of it. I had a shave, did some work and then left her a message I’d be ready to run when she was.
I was a little surprised she didn’t answer. I did some more work, and then called her house phone. It was busy. As soon as I hung up, she called me.
She apologized. She asked if I’d be willing to go with her and some friends to a Pool Hall for a bit. I said sure. Something was bothering her, I could tell. She beamed and said thanks for being flexible. I told her I was kind of tired anyway. She said she was going to go get some food and was going to pick me up after that.
I wasn’t sure exactly where we were going or who was going. I ironed one of my favourite shirts and got ready.
She and Vinny pulled up at the house and we drove to the Pool Hall. Vinny’s friends called her and they sounded like they weren’t coming.
The Pool Hall was right next to Gullifty’s Restaurant. It was a small little place, with a couple of tables behind the bar. We played a couple rounds. It took a game for me to get warmed up; I hadn’t played pool in a long time. Vinny was the best player among us, so I tried my best to go after her, but stayed back a bit. I was getting strange vibes from her, but it was nothing different from how she usually treated me. At one point Tamika and I were the last ones. I was up to shoot. I didn’t try to miss, but it did anyways. The cue happened to end up right in front of my last ball.
The last game I won.
Some old Spanish guy gave Tamika money to put in the Jukebox. He flirted with her a lot. I thought it was kinda funny, but Vinny got annoyed.
We got home and reeked of smoke. Vinny went to bed, and Tamika and I had a Bible Study in her room.
She turned her TV on and talked with me.
She and Vinny had been talking again right before she had called me, and Vinny was jealous of all the time Tamika was spending with me. Tamika was very distraught. I gave her a back rub as she vented. She didn’t like the idea of having to juggle and choose between friends. I felt strange. I didn’t forcefully draw Tamika to me. I could do more but draw back a lot. Cutting hors d’oeuvres in half, most of the time she initiated to spend time together. I simply didn’t want to put her in a situation she didn’t want to be in. I want her to be happy.
It seemed almost two-faced to me, the way Vinny treated me. She acted so friendly to me when I was around, but it was obvious she had very little tolerance for me whatsoever. It hurt me, though it shouldn’t, I guess. My sensitivity gets the better of me, I guess. I told Tamika how I felt, and that the reason why it bothered me was because I felt like any friend of hers I would be friendly with. And I had been. But Vinny seemed to still despise me. It’s not like I really care about what Vinny thinks of me, but it bothers me that even though I’m nice to her she can’t stand me and then goes and hides it. I see no remedy to the situation at all, but it’s frustrating.
We talked of other things too. She seems dead set on going with me to travel the world now, and wondered how it would be to leave Vinny. It puzzled me to hear her speak like that. I was delighted and uneasy at the same time. I’m so happy she’d like to go with me, but wondered how strong she and Vinny had been. When she first introduced me to Vinny, one of the things she mentioned was that whoever she ended up with as a boyfriend had to be cool with Vinny, and that’s all there was too it.
And now, I wonder… I would never want to loose the friendship I have with her now…
She fell asleep snuggling close to me as I played with her hair. She awoke later and drove me home.
Thursday, September 30th.
I called her after work, and she called me back when she got out.
She was tired, but still wanted to go running and wanted to check out the music store again for lessons.
We drove out to Mechanicsburg and checked it out. The store owner seemed nice. The lessons cost 20$ apiece, he said. I thought it was not bad. A little pricey, but not terrible for a half an hour of lessons. She might be able to get better prices from a Piano major at Messiah, but I knew she didn’t especially want to go back too often to the college.
We got back to the house, and changed to go running. She’s getting sick with a cold, and so we decided to take a shorted run than normal. I did really well until the very end. I need to learn to pace so I can save an extra boost for the end. It’s getting chilly out now. I hope I can get the motorcycle fixed in time to be able to give Tamika a ride.
We got back and she made us some noodles with mozzarella cheese and sauce. Vinny got back, and began to get changed for the volleyball they were going to go play on the deck of some bar on Carlisle Pike. Tamika didn’t want to go and just wanted to hang out with me, but she felt obligated to go with Vinny.
They drove me back so they could go.
Tamika called me late that night. She was very tired, but had had a very good time anyhow. The guys there (it was all guys) had invited them to a party on Friday. I said I was glad. I really wasn’t.
She said she wanted to come over tomorrow. Before the party. She said she’d rather go to the movie with Alan on Saturday and she would come over. She said we could order Chinese and take a nap and watch a movie. I glowed. I felt special.
We read a couple chapters of Samuel 1 and went to sleep.
Friday, October 1st.
Mrs. Cheney had a meeting this morning with me.
She wanted to put me on duty for Saturday School. When kids misbehave or don’t do their homework, we’ve started giving them Saturday School in which they are required to come in and do work. It’s from 9-12 in the morning. It’s not something I’d jump at, but then she told me the compensation. She was going to take 2 classes from my schedule (a total of 6 periods less) and on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays I didn’t have to come in until 11:00 or so. I grinned.
This would work well. I thought of the late nights Tamika and I spent talking. This would work very well.
She came over right after work. She’s getting more sick.
I bought us some Chinese food from the Magic Wok down the street and made her Chai tea (yes I know Chai=tea in India. I’m not ignorant).
Alan and Paul had wanted to go see Hero with us, but we discovered it wasn’t playing anywhere.
We ate our dinner on the floor of my room, sharing beef with Chinese vegetable and shrimp lo-mien and sipping our tea. I wish she didn’t have to go anywhere.
But Alan called her back and so we decided to drive out and pick them up and watch a DVD at her house.
We got to Messiah and were absolutely silly. We yelled at the top of our lungs and ran around like fools. We ran up and down the stairs, laughing and making college jokes. It was great. We finally found Alan and Paul, but we knew by that time it was too late to watch anything. I saw Grace on the sidewalk. I gave her a big hug. She looked a little sad, but alright. She seemed as happy to see me as I was to see her. Tamika seemed to watch us from a distance. But I felt too far gone. I’m not sure what it was. I felt intoxicated, I was kinda giddy. Tamika as looking at me…
We decided to go visit Precious. She was playing scrabble in her apartment. This one girl was doing absolutely terrible and acting like a schoolgirl. At first I thought she was faking it, but I soon realized that it was the real McCoy. Alan and I poked fun at her, which she seemed comprehend very little of.
Joanne, Idiki and Deedee came in and were all completely shocked to see me. None of them had seen my short hair and gave me big hugs. After a while, Tamika nudged me and said we really had to go.
She and Vinny had been invited to some party by some guys at a volleyball game they had gone to the night before. I’ll admit I was… check, I am, a little jealous of it…, but I let it be. It’s no big deal.
Anyhow, we saw Paul on the sidewalk. Paul was in Gospel Choir with us, and is in an electric wheelchair. I hailed him down and said hello, and he said he had to use the restroom. I said I’d help him out. Tamika looked at her watch.
“We gotta go?” I asked.
She twisted her mouth. “Yeah…”
“I’ll meet you at the top of the Student Union. Ok?”
“Ok.”
I ran off with Paul.
It must have taken 20 minutes. As soon as we were done, I ran out the door.
She wasn’t there. I started. Had she left?
She rounded the corner at top speed. She was ticked. I hopped in the car.
“I’m sorry…” I said humbly, “Are you mad?”
“A little.” She said tersely through gritted teeth.
“I’m sorry.” I repeated, “He needed my help…”
“I know.” She said.
We rode in silence. She turned the music up and frustratedly jabbed the radio presets. I rolled my window down.
As we neared Harrisburg, she patted my leg.
“It’s ok. I’m over it.”
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s ok. Apology accepted.”
She weaved through traffic, and finally screeched to a stop in front of my house.
I looked at her.
“I hope you have fun,” I said, and got out.
I hope she calls me…
Saturday, October 2nd.
She didn’t call me.
At least, not that night. I tossed and turned. I woke up nine times, on the hour. Finally I gave up at got up. It was 9 o’clock.
I wasn’t very hungry. I did some chores, cleaned the bathroom, and did dishes… I was restless. I felt bad. I knew she hadn’t been right to be mad about helping someone, but I knew she would. It’s complicated. You see, I knew she would be mad, but I also knew she would get over it quickly if she thought about it. But the way I’m built, I cannot take the latter for granted, and so I feel bad. To me, there is always the chance that she might still be mad. It’s not like I don’t know her and how she would react… I just felt bad. It’s complicated. I wanted to apologize.
Anyhow, I forgot that she worked. I thought she might call me by around 11 or 12 or whenever she got up, but she didn’t. I didn’t want to call her. I didn’t want to wake her up if she was still sleeping.
“Calm yourself down,” Mystery said. Passion had too much control again, and was making me a nervous wreck. I reminded myself of my promise. I would not fall in love with anyone until I was sure she was in love with me. With how deep I felt, I knew it had to be like that. Logic stepped in too. “Remember, neither of you are quite ready for a relationship yet…”
I had to agree. Joy was lonely, though.
I got online and did some work. I had put Trillian back on, thinking maybe talking would make me feel better. Nothing.
Nina had e-mailed me about the pictures she wanted, so I checked on her screen name to see if she would talk. She was away, but there was something new in her profile. A Journal. I checked it out. I began reading through entries, seeing how she was doing. She was growing even more. I had seen the beginnings of things when I had known her at Messiah, but I was impressed to see how deep she was getting. She had always lamented to me that she found me mysterious but I had depth behind me that made the mystery such a beautiful thing, but that her mysteriousness hid nothing. I argued of course, saying she was only just learning about a good many things. And I was right. She was growing…
I added an account so I could get notifications of her journals, and then read from the beginning.
I found one titled “To Renaissance Man”, a name she had given me after I started helping out with her psychology homework (I’d never taken any of the classes, just studied it on my own). It made me cry. She reads my journal, and this was a response to her reading one of the early September episodes. She rebuked me for being a fool; angry at me for not realizing that I was more than a wise grandfatherly advice giver. That she had seen me as a physically and sexually attractive young man and it had in part driven her to me.
I was shocked.
Really.
I have a hard time with that. It might seem inverse, I suppose. I get lots of compliments on things, like being sensitive, and wise, knowledgeable and talented. But I don’t often get the impression that people find me attractive. Ever. Perhaps it’s my own insecurity with myself and growing up in a place where I was constantly told I was an ugly, fat, nerdy white boy by the Naskapi kids. But most often, I just think it’s me. I just don’t really think people find me that attractive.
And it might seem shallow to place such an importance on it, but I know the way people work and how influenced they are on appearance. It doesn’t really bother me most of the time; I just am comfortable with myself and accept the self-inspired fact that I’m not handsome. But then, I guess that’s why it’s such a shock when people tell me I am.
In any case, there I was. Tears sliding down my cheeks. It was just what I needed, honestly. I wrote her a note and thanked her. If I was a little more confident, I wouldn’t have so much trouble.
I did laundry, and worked on fixing my Laptop.
Lox and Mike came by, and I practiced with them. Lox got on the bass and Mike sang, with me on the piano. It went pretty good, we just jammed and jammed.
I took a break and went upstairs. Finally I decided to call her house phone. Kristen picked up. She didn’t know where Tamika was, or even if she had come back the night before. But then she asked if maybe Tamika was at work.
Of course. She had mentioned that when I had been looking up show times for Hero. She said that she would be at work… for the 1:30 showing…
I thanked Kristen and said I’d try Tamika’s cell.
Lox yelled up the stairs for lunch.
He made us pirogies and we the three of us talked politics. The draft looks like it was getting reinstated, and we talked about what they would do if they forced us to fight. Save for our glasses, all of us would be prime candidates. I had dual citizenship, so I’m not sure how that would work, but Mike and Lox would be snatched right up. Mike had to get back to do work at the college, so Lox drove him back.
Tamika had called. She had been on her lunch break. She asked me to call her back.
I did, but she was off her break. I was sunny. I wished her a good day and to call me back when she got a chance. She was feeling better. From the tone of her voice, I knew she was going to come over and she wanted to apologize. I was warmed. This was good.
I did more laundry, and worked on the laptop some more. I got it running, and then put together the vacuum cleaner the Joshua House had bought us and vacuumed the bathroom and my rug.
Sunday, October 03.
She got up and shut her alarm off. I never even woke up, sleeping straight through it.
Vinny called, waking us up. Tamika answered the phone and then turned to me. I cracked open my eyes.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “We missed church again.”
“Quel heure est il?” I asked. Perhaps we would be able to make it.
“10:30.”
The service started at 9:30. I yawned. This was what… the third time in a row?
I growled.
“Sorry…” she said again, “I got up and shut it off.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t even hear it. Oh well…”
I looked up at her. “How’s your back?”
She smiled. “Really good, actually.”
“Good.” I said, “I’m coming up there anyway.”
I bounced on her bed and put my arms around her. She snuggled close and dozed.
Vinny came home with a dog. They were pet sitting for a friend, who had asked them to watch the dog for a week.
I’d never seen a more timid and scared dog. Her name was Daisy, a corgi mix of some sort. She warmed to Tamika the best, but the poor thing took almost 45 minutes of gentle coaxing to come out of her cage; and 30 more to let us touch her. Tamika’s heart melted (as did mine) and I watched her as her whole being went out to this poor abused dog. Daisy had apparently been abused by her first owner, who had owned her for an estimated 4 years. He was a man, so Vinny sternly warned me not to scare her. Daisy warmed up to me a lot, though, and was the first person to let me pet her (right after she had run away from Vinny when Vinny had tried to take her for a walk). It was really neat to watch Tamika, though. Compassion is something that warms me.
Vinny made us some delicious omelette’s (I need to practice mine a lot more) for brunch.
After we had all taken Daisy for a walk, Tamika gave me her car keys to drive home to change and wash up. She and Vinny took a nap and did yard work, and told me to be back in a couple hours. I went home and took a bath. I tried putting a little gel in my hair right after I washed it. Tamika had mentioned she thought my hair looked really cool, and so I wondered if this would keep it that way. I just muss it up with a towel and it goes where it wants to go, usually. Putting gel on it after it is a little dry makes it hard and stiff looking. I grabbed my laptop, sketchbook and Bible (which Tamika had mentioned) and I drove back.
They were still mowing the lawn when I arrived.
“No way!” said Tamika after killing the power on the mower. “You’re so fresh and so clean-clean. Go inside.”
I made myself comfortable on the couch after being turned down for help and worked on my laptop. This journal is turning into a full blown writing project. I doubt that I’d have to do very much at all to turn it into a full-blown autobiography. It has caused me to be lax in other things, though, such as e-mailing, drawing and DeviantArt. But, for my own purposes I want to get these things down.
Tamika was a little steamed when she came in. She had done most of the mowing herself while Vinny had weedwhacked. I got up and opened my arms, and she sighed and gave me a big hug. Vinny had been complaining about the housecleaning. Which was absurd. Tamika and I always cleaned up after Vinny, doing her dishes and cleaning up the kitchen practically every time I came over. And Tamika did when I wasn’t around too. It had gotten Tamika really mad, but she sank easily into me and relaxed.
“Mmmm, you smell good.” She smiled, nuzzling into me. She raised her arm. “I, on the other hand…”
She took a long shower, and when Vinny went in to take hers, she told me what she had been so mad about.
She took me out to Kohl’s to get some clothes later on. Vinny and her had wanted to go see Napoleon Dynamite. Vinny kept dropping hints that Tamika could take me home anytime. I began getting a little uneasy, wondering if I should back down and just let them go alone. Tamika appeared to ignore her and looked directly at me.
“Did you bring your Bible?” she asked.
“Yup.”
“Good. We’re gonna do Bible study later.”
“Ok.” I smiled.
At Kohl’s they disappeared into other sections leaving me alone. Tamika’s mom, in addition to giving me money for the motorcycle, had also given me 50$ for clothes. Badly in need of pants, I’d asked her if we could get some. I wasn’t sure how much Tamika got off as a discount for working there. The pants were insanely expensive. Whenever I found a pair I liked, they would turn out to be around 30 or 40$. It was sick. Finally I was able to find a pair of marked down jeans that fit perfectly and looked really good. I also picked up a white Hawaiian shirt with wooden designed flower print on it that went really well with it (4 or 5$). I guess I’m too used to shopping at Salvation Army… I’ll have to get to Salvation Army sometime soon too, because I need more pants. I wear them out more than anything.
I went searching for them and we cashed out. She liked the pants I picked, and they ended up being a lot cheaper than I originally thought they would be.
I thought she paid for them herself, so I brought out my wallet.
“No, just get me a ticket and some popcorn or something at the movie.” She said, stuffing the clothes into a bag.
I stuck my tongue out at her. “I was gonna to do that anyways…”
”Well, good then!” She beamed.
The theatre was empty, as one might expect on a Sunday night, save for a row of teens a couple rows back. We put our feet up and munched popcorn.
Tamika sat between Vinny and I (on my right 🙂 ). I leaned over and whispered thanks as the movie started. “Thanks.”
She smiled.
Vinny whispered obnoxiously. “What did he say to you?”
“I think he said thanks for sharing.” Tamika whispered back just as obnoxiously.
She grinned out of the corner of her eye at me and I chucked a kernel at her.
Napoleon Dynamite is absolutely hilarious. It’s clean (only PG!!) and completely insane. I have no doubts it’s going to become one of those cult classics. But it’s just great, especially when you’re around people who love to laugh their heads off. It’s also very deep as well, though, and tugs at your heart a couple times.
Because I’m so big, I have to shift from time to time to keep my limbs from falling asleep or becoming cramped. I leaned close to her and propped my feet up with my arm on the armrest.
“Ça va?” I asked softly, adjusting my arm to give her more room.
She nodded. “Oui…”
She nudged her arm closer. Her pinkie crept out to my hand and hooked cautiously around mine. I moved mine closer, and sighed.
We didn’t look at each other, but just smiled quietly.
After the movie, we drove to Harrisburg so Vinny could pick up some stuff from a friend, then went back to her house. Vinny was insistent on taking a convoluted way to get there.
When we got back, Vinny went to bed and Tamika and I went to her room to talk for a while. Daisy was getting more comfortable and had eaten some of her food. We read some more of Samuel, talking about how obedience to God was more important than pleasing people.
She flipped the TV on and vented to me about Vinny. As she relaxed, she gave me a backrub. She had noticed my neck was bothering me in the movie and gave me this amazing rub down. I must confess the rub I gave her wasn’t nearly as good because I was so relaxed, but I did my best.
She wasn’t very tense, surprisingly.
“Thanks to you.” She grinned.
I kissed her neck, and went one.
After I was done, we watched bits of the Surreal World, talking. She broke a pause in our conversation, and tapped her lips like she always did when she was thinking hard. She sighed and snuggled into me.
“What is it?” I asked gently.
She closed her eyes. “Mmm, nothing.”
“Hmmmm?”
“I need to call my mom.”
“Mmmm? What about?”
“Nothing. I just need to call her. Maybe tomorrow.”
I smiled gently at her.
She took a nap in my arms, and then took me home.
Monday, October 4th.
I had trouble with Tevin at school today. When he gets unmotivated, there is nothing you can do. Being simply impassive, he just stops caring about everything. He refused to do chores today, so I called his mother and kept him after school. A lot of these kids’ parents are really cooperative when it comes to disciplining their kids. It’s not like JSMS at all, where the teachers are constantly fighting with the parents.
I had him in detention and told him his chore was to sharpen a pack of pencils. He refused. I told him he would get another detention if he didn’t finish. He refused.
I let him sit. I had no problem giving him more detentions.
Mrs. Cheney came in and moved him to another class, though, and made him use an electric sharpener. It bothered me that she just did that, but she’s the principal…
When I got home I got a couple messages from Tamika. She had called her county’s head building to make sure if she was registered to vote. Both of us had done a change of address when some people had come up to us at Gabe’s a few weeks back, but they had never contacted us. Tamika said she was going to call just to make sure, but when she did she found herself unregistered. I printed out another form and ran down to the post office. It was closed, but I dropped it in the slot. I’m going to be really mad if I don’t get to vote.
I finished up my laundry, and read some Malcolm X in the tub.
I was shaving when thought I heard her voice. It was eerie. I looked down the hall. Dark. Had she walked somewhere? I darted into my room. Nothing. I finished up. I walked back into my room. The answering machine was blinking. That’s what it was.
I called her back. She laughed at my silliness, and then asked if she could call me back. I said sure.
She took a while, but I didn’t mind. I had the feeling… though she didn’t say later… that she might be talking with her mom.
She called me back and we talked for a while. We did a Bible Study, and talked about how we both found we related to David in a lot of ways. She related to him in his later life, and I in his earlier when he was a boy in the woods and his courage against everything.
We talked and talked; she invited me over the next day to watch Lion King with her. It’s her favourite Disney movie.
She told me about a dream she had, about two guys in church. As she told me, I had an overwhelming feeling of knowing what the dream was about.
It scared me, slightly. I am very good at interpreting my own dreams, but don’t often get strong feelings about other people’s. I felt a lot like how Joseph must have felt. I held my tongue, though, and even when she was done, I asked her what she thought of it. She wasn’t completely sure, so she asked me.
After I told her, I told her about a dream I had had early that morning too.
I was sitting on the steps outside of Kline on the Messiah campus. It was dark, and the orange lights of the parking lot were glowing dimly against the chirping of the crickets.
Carla (from Cayman Islands) and Agaba (from Rwanda) came across the parking lot and up the steps. Agaba still has her accent, which I think is awesome.
“Haey, Ben!” yelled Agaba, “What’s up? Whay ah you sitting on these steps all by yoursewf?”
“Oh, no reason.” I replied, “Just back on campus visiting.”
“Da’s cool,” she smiled, “I haven’ seen you in a while around hea.”
“Nah. Been pretty busy lately.”
“You’re a teacha, right?”
“Yup.”
“That’s cool. Well, we wanted ask you, actually, Carla wanted to asked you something.”
“Oh yeah? What is it you wanted to ask me?” I turned to Carla. I hadn’t seen Carla in years, she’d graduated before me. She always acted slightly indifferent to me, like one would a little brother, I suppose. With an attitude of Daria.
Carla screwed up her face at Agaba.
“Nothing, really.” She said, “Are you going to be around the 16th?”
“The 16th? I doubt it. I’m thinking about babysitting.” [this is actually true, I’m babysitting Tamika’s little brother & sister]
“Babysitting?” Agaba asked, “Babysitting fa’ who?”
“Oh, some friends of mine.”
“Aww, that’s too bad. Ah you sure?”
“I think so.” I said, “Why?”
“Clara wants to invite you to tha homecaming dance.”
“Agaba!” hissed Carla.
“Well, you might as well ask him anyways!” Agaba yelled. “She really wans you to go with ha.” She said, turning back to me.
“You do?” I asked Carla. “Is that a question?”
“No. Yes. No. Well, maybe. I need to think about it. I’m not sure if I’m even going.” Stammered Clara.
“Yeah.” Said Agaba, “Not sure onley if youa going with heem.”
“Is this so?” I asked Carla.
“I haven’t decided.” Sighed Carla, sending daggers at Agaba.
“She really does. She thinks youa cute.” Agaba smiled. “I think youa cute too. I like youa new haiarcut too. I liked youa long hair, but this looks nice too I think.” She reached out and tousled my hair.
“Whatever.” I brushed it off, “Stop it. You’re making me blush.”
“Haha, youa blushing. Ben, don’t you know youa cute?”
“What? No. I don’t. I mean, I’m not. I’m nothing special to look at.”
“Yes you ah.” She objected.
“No, not really.” I laughed, embarrassed.
“Youa so silly. Yes you ah cute. Why do you think she wahnts to go to dza dance witz you?”
“Agaba, stop it.” Clara nudged Agaba, then turned to me. “Well, anyways, if you are around, let me know. I’ll probably be in Agaba’s room.”
“I’ll probably be gone all weekend, but thanks.” I smiled.
They walked off into the evening, Agaba yelling about how Carla should have been more foreword.
I chucked to myself, still not being able to believe that I’d just been asked to the dance…
We laughed at my dream.
Her lips were dry and she put on some lip balm, and then got silly and kept talking about them. I lay on my bed and stared at my ceiling and tried to not think about them, but it was no use. Passion ran rampant. Her lips were beautiful; as was her smile. It was torture. I’d wanted to kiss her for a long time. I’d caught myself many times… but told myself I wouldn’t. Not without something… something that would take time and patience…
I begged her to stop. She teased me, and then finally relented.
She had been asked to sing at a family party her and her mom were going to. Her mom had coaxed (forced) her to sing. She didn’t know what song to choose, but wanted something old; Sarah Vaughn, Billie Holiday, Ella Fitzgerald… We talked about it a while trying to figure out songs, and I got up and began looking through my collection for suggestions. She didn’t recognize a couple the songs I mentioned, so I turned them on and sang along to them.
I put on some Stacey Kent and sang “People will think we’re in Love” and “All I do is dream of You”. I realized halfway through the first song that I was singing to her. She was quiet, just listening to me. She remarked her appreciation for those songs, and how good they were.
“Veux tu dormir?” I asked quietly.
“Do I want to sleep?” she repeated, “Oui. But one more song.”
“Alright. Let me see.”
I sang her “When I Fall in Love” by Celine Dion from the Sleepless soundtrack until she fell asleep, turning down the volume as the end neared and singing the rest on my own.
There was silence as the song ended, and I could hear her breathing regularly.
“Bon nuit.” I murmured, “Bien dormir.”
“Merci.” she whispered “Bon nuit.”
Wednesday, October 5th.
I discovered part of the deal for my late starts at school entailed staying for an hour after school to deal with detentions. I didn’t mind really; since I was there anyway. Tashan was in for messing around on some bad sites on the internet, but was extremely apologetic and even bore the entire burden of the punishment, relieving two of his classmates who were caught looking over his shoulder. Clint, however, was in detention for misbehaving, and since he would not settle down, I had to give him yet another detention the next day.
I called Tamika once I got out and left a message.
She came and picked me up. We chilled in the living room a while. Daisy had forgotten me, but quickly warmed to me again. Tamika fawned over her. A twinge of jealousy crept on me briefly, until I realized how stupid that was… We still weren’t going out. There was no commitment, nothing we had to expect from one another.
I was just tired.
Really tired.
We were going to watch Lion King together in her room, but Vinny called on her way home from practice. She ran a guilt trip on Tamika, and so we went down and watched TV with her. I reached for the DVD as we walked down the stairs, but Tamika turned quickly and whispered “Later.”
We sat down there until Vinny gradually got sleepy and retreated upstairs.
Tamika was still a little irked at Vinny’s comments about cleaning and how she never did any, but we cleaned the kitchen anyways. Tamika kept asking favors of me, but though I was tired I found I didn’t mind. She always asked gently, and I knew she was tired too so I was glad to help.
We took Daisy out for a walk.
“Thanks for being so flexible and patient…” she smiled, taking my arm to ward off the chilly autumn air.
“It’s ok.” I said.
We walked in silence a while.
Daisy lagged behind, and then came to a stop, sniffing at a patch of clover. I gave her a gentle tug to come alone.
Tamika smacked me. “Talk to her! Don’t just pull her.”
I raised my eyebrow. “Talk to him! Don’t just smack him…”
She grinned mischievously and smacked me again.
I looked at her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, tugging my arm and threading hers through it.
“You’re right.” I said.
She looked up at me questioningly.
“You’re right.” I repeated, “I’m very patient. Very flexible, and very strong. But I am stronger, more patient and more flexible when you’re nice to me.”
She tugged me tighter and we walked home.
We ate popcorn and drank tea watching the movie. My eyes drooped and I dozed as she played with my hair. I cuddled her close; the night was chilly.
I was dazed. The warmth of her breath was intoxicating.
I leaned close and kissed her on the cheek. She smiled softly.
“That was cute. Thank you.” She murmured,
She caressed my face gently and I drifted off.
She took me home late, peering through the fogged up windows of her Golf.
I wished her goodnight and went up to go to sleep.
I feel so happy…