Mood: Gloomy .: Sensitive :.
Listening to: .: Cool Jazz 92.7 :.
Reading: .: The Count of Monte Cristo :.
Watching: .: some Sandra Bullock/Hugh Grant movie :.
Inquisition: Do you have a best friend?
Aloha!
I’m starting to realize maybe I’m just not friendly.
Maybe amiable might be a better term; but somewhere, somehow, in between my parents advice on choosing friends wisely and my own ambition to be a noble young man of good morals, kind heart, and sound mind… somehow missed out on all the TV shows, movies, popular songs and basic social skill that are necessary for a lasting relationship.
Constantly I fulfill the role of psychiatrist confidant, with my kind, grandfatherly advice; and simply fail at any attempts to be funny or fit in in any way involving any sort of camaraderie. And that’s what I am to most people. The one they tell their problems to. And with good reason, I suppose; I listen very well and give very good advice. Maybe it’s my love for listening and truly figuring someone out. Maybe it’s my sixth or seventh sense which enables me to monitor what people are thinking.
But whatever it is, it seems to make it bloody impossible for someone to like me for who I am without feeling somehow indebted to me for the “service” I’ve served them or simple kindness I’ve showed them that they can’t get anywhere else.
Perhaps I’m being selfish. Perhaps that kind of attention really doesn’t exist.
But Sacré Bleu, I’m refuting my own argument, because I dish OUT that kind of attention on a daily basis.
And Sacre Bleu, I’m also tearing away at my own gentlemanship by thinking so much about myself at this point.
And not only that, but if I were ever to confide in anyone who actually had anything but electronic contact with me at all, the dizzying logic of it all is enough to scare them away for good! And if they don’t, then usually they themselves are some sort of psychoanalyst themselves, who then work pity strains on me.
After studying so much counseling and psychology on my own, I’m beginning to realize that as a child, either through abuse and humiliation or through self-inflicted psychological reprogramming, I have fundamentally messed myself up in a lot of ways.
I know it’s not the first time, (or at least I suppose) that someone has experienced such an alienation from the public through their own desire to be good and friendly, but all the examples I can think of are in fiction. Movies like “It’s a wonderful life”, “Harvey”, “Forrest Gump” and “Finding Forrester”.
Sadly, these movies end in bittersweet tragedy.
Cheers me right up.
Sometimes I wish I had a mask like Jim Carrey. In reality, they only way he got the girl at the end was because he met her through the mask.
THAT’S the way it’s SUPPOSED to work.
People are supposed to think your cool and attractive FIRST, and THEN find out your deep, and passionate and gentle. Not the other way around.
At least, that’s every girls’ dream.
I’m just not attractive.
Or cool.
And YES, I know I’m digressing. Significant Otherses and Friends aren’t nearly the same thing.
But dagnabbit, they’re related. They think the same way when it comes to the level of first impressions.
***
I hung out with Tamika today. We went to her lacrosse game in Duncannon, and I rode with her there and then drove her back. After that, we went with her friend Vinny to Wal-Mart just really for the heck of it.
I’ve never seen two friends mesh together so well.
I’ve never had anything like that. Not even close. Not a single friend I could just tell anything to.
I don’t know.
As my mom would say, I’m having another pity party for myself.
And it’s true. I can change things I don’t like about myself if I really want to.
Bah.
Not only that, but I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow. I always do. And if I don’t tell anyone about it and just let it out, I’ll be able to figure out different solutions and be able to figure out what I can do to change and make myself more sociable.
Sleep.
Goodnight.