Month: February 2021

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop (@STMSBmore), held online.

• Am I self-disciplined? How can I motivate myself more to accomplish the things I want to do?

I am pretty disciplined about doing work, but I am not great when it comes to prioritizing. I can be very disciplined about steaming through a project, but trying to pick if a certain project is more important than another project is a lot harder for me.

The best solution I’ve come up with is trying to set aside more dedicated time for me to work, and making time for more work so that I can achieve all I set out to do.

• Am I exploring and experimenting enough in my life? How can I be more
adventurous and try something new?

I really feel like life has been a bit boring lately, but as I’m working through some anxiety and depression, those boring routine things can help with stability. I do exploring a bit on my own, going out to explore abandoned buildings or exploring parks and forests. Those are moments of peace for me, they ground me and bring me back to center.

I’m hoping I can be more adventurous once I can travel again.

• What is a recent failure or mistake I have made? What have I learned from it?

My son Arion has started therapy recently, and I have had a couple meetings with his therapist. It’s made me realize that some of the ways I parent him aren’t always the best.

Sometimes I’ll put pressure on him to get things done that just don’t really work with his personality. He needs time to relax and calm down, just like I do. Also, he does well with lists, but has trouble keeping everything that he has to do in order in his head. So encouraging him to get things done step by step and writing them down has been helpful.

I’m grateful I’m learning these things now, so that I can learn to be a better parent.

• What are my hobbies? What is it about my hobbies that I enjoy?

My hobbies are drawing, writing, photography, music, martial arts, and riding motor vehicles like snowmobiles, motorcycles, and jet skis. I’ve not really had a chance to ride horses, but I think I’d like that too.

I think for the first ones, I love the creation of things. For the last ones, I love the movement. I love the wind in my hair, I love seeing new horizons, working my body. I think distilled down, those two things are the most important to me. If I can create or if I can move, I’ll probably enjoy it.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop (@STMSBmore), held online.

• When was the last time you cried? Have you healed from that experience? If not, what will help you move forward?

The last time I cried was during a movie, I teared up at the end of Rogue One. The kids and I have been working through every Star Wars movie. I know it’s not super significant and earth-moving, but I think it’s important to remain sensitive, and if you feel sad, to let it out. It always feels good to recover from crying.

• Name 3 fictional characters that remind you of yourself. Why do you resonate with them?

Cliff Secord from The Rocketeer. I relate to him just because he always tries to do the right thing, is passionate, caring, but he’s also kind of goofy. He trips over himself, makes clumsy mistakes, but makes up for it in heart.

Frank Hopkins from Hidalgo. Frank is someone caught between different cultures. He is half white, half Sioux. To survive in the growing whiteness of America, he has to hide a lot of his heritage and background, while still honouring both sides of himself. He then travels halfway around the world, and finds he can connect with the Bedouins, and anyone he chooses to open up to.

Chiron Harris from Moonlight. Chiron’s sensitivity and pain are something I related to, as well as his healing around food and water. I had a difficult childhood as well, and both his moments of peace and rage felt very familiar to me. How he was reminded to reopen that sensitivity felt similar to how I’ve felt lately.

• What qualities do you think your friends admire most about you?

This hasn’t always been able for me to see, but as I learn to love myself, I am learning more and more what those things are.

I am kind and generous, sensitive and strong, reliable and funny, courageous and passionate, deep keeled and consistent, and very very open.

• What has become more important to me in the last month? What has become less important?

My appreciation for being home has become more important to me. I think the constant need to be out and be around people has become less important. Instead, I’m investing more in specific people instead of groups, and I’m learning to have a deeper appreciation for being alone.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop (@STMSBmore), held online.

Note: I noticed the Mailchimp hasn’t been working for a few months, so if this is the first email you’ve gotten in a while, that’s why. I have been writing, and you can see an archive here.

• Other than money, what have you gained from work?

Working taught me a lot of things. When I was little, I go over to ᓄᒧᓱᒻ Tommy Einish’s cabin, and he would give me a 1$ coin for chopping firewood. When I became a teenager, Oksana Choulik hired me to paint the ageing McGill Subarctic Research Station. She paid me well, but the work was really hard, and my shoulders and back ached every day. I got an allowance from my parents when I was young, and always managed it reasonably well, but the hard labour really showed me how much each dollar was worth. After I started working, I held on to money a little more instead of spending it so easily.

When I worked my first design job at Huggins Printing after I graduated college, my boss, Chris Gustin, knew I was building Zerflin on the side, so he shared a nugget of advice that I never forgot: He told me to put aside 30% of all profits in a savings account for taxes, and put aside another 10% in a different savings account for emergencies with the company. It has helped me so much.

• Of all living people, who would you most like to have a three-hour dinner with?

This is a really tough question, because I am missing so many people in the middle of this pandemic. So I might as well just list them.

I’d love to have dinner with my parents. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them, and it really hurts to be so disconnected from them. I had plans to see them more than usual beginning in 2020 because I wanted to make sure I was joining them on trips to my home village. Instead, I haven’t even been able to visit them in their home in Ontario.

I’d love to have dinner with my ex-girlfriend Marilyne. We’ve remained really good friends, and still have a lot of love for each other. I would just love to see her and spend time with her again.

I want to have dinner with my best friend, Ayinde. I haven’t heard from him for a while now, and I worry about him. Communication seems to have gotten worse with the pandemic. It’s strange because even though there is more actual time to do things, daily life’s exhaustion is also heightened, making it harder to plan and connect. I think I’ll make it a point to send him a Marco Polo this week.

• How would your parents describe you? Were they accurate?

My parents have described me in a bunch of different ways. When I was young I remember my mom describing me as both conniving and recalcitrant (on two different occasions), because I had to look up what the words meant in our giant dictionary. I don’t think those were meant to be positive; at least I didn’t take them as positive at the time. It stung once I figured out what they meant.

Today, I wear the recalcitrant badge with honour; I question authority at every step, and make sure that the authority has the best interest of the people in mind.

Lately my parents have described me in much more positive ways. They have talked about how they’re proud of me, and those kinds of things help to heal old hurt. But also, growing into myself and learning to define myself and who I want to be has helped as well.

Questions from Melony Hill’s Writing for My Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop (@STMSBmore), held online.

• What was your biggest fear as a child? What is your biggest fear as an adult? Are they connected in any way?

When I was a kid, I was afraid of a lot of things. But, I was afraid of letting people down the most. I didn’t want my parents to not be proud of me. I wanted my teachers to be proud of me. I wanted my friends to know I was loyal to them. I even remember crying when I lost a stuffed raccoon that I used to carry around everywhere, because I felt like I had let him down.

As an adult, those fears carry over. I don’t like the idea of not being there when my friends need me. I try to be the best romantic partner I can be, the best parent I can be, the best business owner I can be, and really try hard to hold myself to a high standard.

This means that sometimes I have trouble letting go and relaxing. It feels like there’s always something I should be improving or getting better.

It also means that whenever someone does compliment me, it melts me into a puddle. My father told me he was proud of me after watching an online art opening that I had this week, and it meant so so much to me. Because I’m so hard on myself, any bit of gentleness from people deeply affects me.

• Is there anything that gives you overwhelming anxiety? How do you control it?

I fear getting ground up in the gigantic machine that is the United States. Failing at my business and getting sucked under with taxes and bills. Being chewed up by an unjust incarceration system or abused by the police. I fear the ever-present violence that surrounds me; it feels both reminiscent of home, but I also know it’s traumatic to constantly be in. I fear raising my kids here, and worry about how it’s affecting them.

This is how I control it. Journaling, being in this class. I control it with therapy. I control it with meditation and going outside into the woods. Sometimes I control it by sleeping more.

• What are some of your goals for the year? What obstacles stand between you and accomplishing them?

I want to get on top of my taxes. I don’t want them hanging over my head anymore. I want to save for travel, so that when things do open up, I can just go. I want to learn how to invest properly. I want to set up proper retirement accounts so that I don’t have to worry about it in the future.

Most of these are finance related. My biggest obstacle before was knowledge and not knowing enough and not being connected enough to the people with the knowledge, but late last year I fired my accountant and hired a new one. I’m working through it with a new amazing accountant, which I’m excited about.

• If you had fewer inhibitions, how would you behave differently? Be specific.

I don’t feel like I have very many inhibitions anymore, and I am very much myself in very raw ways. I think what I’m working on now is twofold: looking at what I can do with the way I am, and learning to the aspects of myself that I want to expand on and grow. I feel like now is the time for nurturing and planting.

• What are some of your most prized personal possessions? Why are they so important to you?

I think probably my photos. Photos of myself when I was a kid, photos as a teenager, photos of my children. They help remind me of where I was, where I am, and where I can go.