Last night’s conversation is still bugging me a bit… but then I’m still tired and feeling a little sick. I was rather dazed at school, I mismatched 3 of my classes…
It’s where I sit now, during a free period.
I probably won’t see her tonight, Vinny’s cooking her dinner, taking her out for dessert, and then going to Gabriel Brothers to go shopping.
I think I’m going to take a nice bath and maybe go for a walk. I need to talk to God. He’ll make me feel better.
*sigh*
I need to be stronger…
My bath was wonderful. I fell asleep for a while, just soaking in the steamy goodness.
We have the awesome bathroom with a giant tub in the middle of it under a skylight. I love being in there, it’s so nice. Our hot water heater sucks, but what I do is turn it on at a trickle, and after an hour it’s full. It’s so HOT too, it’s wonderful. It stays hot too, because I leave the trickle on.
I lay there for a while, and then when I felt energized I got up, shaved, and changed into something comfortable.
I knew I was fretting over something that I shouldn’t have been. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is wonderful in some senses, whenever anyone shows you affection you simply are lost in it. That’s how it was Saturday night.
But, it also leaves all safeguards down. So when things aren’t going so well, it makes me worry; especially if I’m tired. Sensitivity goes up and I find it harder to control myself.
I know… she loves me.
Wow, what a statement.
She’s never said it more than playfully, never told me exactly how she felt.
But I knew. I could tell. Which is scary in a lot of ways… I have trouble telling when someone feels a certain way about me… but I know that she appreciates me. I don’t even know exactly why, but I know she does.
She doesn’t need to say it. I almost feel it radiate from her.
Honestly, I even felt it last night…
I just have trouble… trouble seeing the hilltop I was just on when I’m in a valley. Knowing where I had been would help me a lot, I think. It would enable me to climb back up again when I’m feeling low.
Indeed, it would keep me from getting low in the first place, no matter how tired or distraught I felt…
I knew this, so I began doing archiving.
I looked up all the Journals I had submitted to DA and began to archive them. There are a bloody lot of them! And many of them are very long too!
You readers are right, this would make a cool autobiography. I need to find a microphone and a speech to text processor. Otherwise I’ll never get done.
I read over my old journals, reading how Tamika and I had first gotten close…
It made me feel a lot better.
Elbreth came online out of the blue, and asked me how I was doing. I told her how I was faltering, and she encouraged me.