I stretched myself out on the floor, hands behind my head. I stared at the ceiling. The lamp I had put together for her floated over me. It was a tan colour, with leaves embedded in the thin rice paper. It glowed softly. I had installed a dimmer switch on it too. I got up, brushed my teeth, and came back, switching the light off.
I wasn’t sure. I felt… maybe… maybe I was being used. Maybe I was giving too much. Maybe.
I feared repetition. I feared being used. I had been before. For as long as I can remember, girls have strove to take me for granted. Nice guys, ones who really strive to be selfless, do get walked all over.
And though it did not keep me from giving as much as I do, it scared me. Not being sure of how she really felt, I had to be careful. I started adding up how much I had spent, and then forced myself not to.
She came in from the bathroom and crawled into her bed, switching her bedside table light off. I didn’t move, and breathed deeply.
We lay in silence.
She rolled over and looked over the edge of her bed, her head silhouetted by the light of the moon silvering through the blinds.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
I was solid as a rock, all muscles tensed. This was it; the turning point. This pivot would end it all and all because once again I had done what I had felt. Beads of saline dewdrops pooled at the corner of my eyes, but I didn’t move even to brush them away.
“…are you ok?” my voice was steady.
She didn’t answer. She reached over and pulled the light switch. It was right over me. The blast blinded me and I shielded my eyes. “Sorry…” she said. “I asked you first.”
I sighed. This was it. “I wonder if sometimes I give too much.”
She paused.
“To me?”
“Yeah.”
She bundled up her comforter at her chest and peered down at me.
“Maybe I just don’t give enough.” She spoke softly.
Her eyes glistened with such intensity…
She mirrored the drawing of her that hung on her wall behind her, but now, her eyes were open…
My eyes were wide; I looked up at her in disbelief.
Words came from my lips, but I swear I didn’t think them. “I know what’s holding me back… what’s holding you back?”
She told me about how she had a strong crush on me last fall. I glowed. I had never known that. She had stayed away because she felt that I wasn’t over Inya yet (and right she was). She recounted the time when we had gone to Twi’s church. I had been bombed out. Inya had done something that had crushed me, and Tamika saw it. Matter of fact, I think everyone saw it that day. She had thought it best to stay away.
She told me about the time she and Vinny had come to the Blue Star, and how much of a crush she had had on me there. Kinda funny, because I remember looking at her while I had sung “Love Song for No One at All”. She told me how Vinny was particularly impressed with me.
She told me about the time when Pagoda had played at the Student Union (come to think of it, I sang to her then too) and she had talked to Nikki about me.
Nikki had asked her if she and I were going out.
“No, not really,” Tamika had replied, “Just good friends.”
“Well, do you think something could happen?”