Mood: Bored .: Intoxicated :.
Listening to: .: Fountains of Wayne – Sink to the Bottom :.
Reading: .: Autobiography of Malcolm X – Alex Haley :.
Watching: .: Let’s Talk :.
Inquisition: Do you drink?
Aloha!
It was over at Tamika and Vinny’s for a party, and that’s where it ended.
I hadn’t drunk in 5 or 6 years, not really. It was at the very least the first time in a very long time I’d even gotten tipsy. I sat on the couch, and the room revolved, slowly, like a 3D freeze frame in Guilty Conscience. Tamika and Vinny were laughing hysterically, talking with some strapping young man in the kitchen who said all the right things at exactly the right time; but who obviously meant something to them, and they knew why. I couldn’t help thinking his shirt was soo small.
I felt like dirt. No, not even. Like dust. I seeped into the bowels of the couch along with the rest of the dust, and remained there for an eternity and people talked, laughed, and giggled on the cushions above me, carrying on conversations and getting to know each other.
I remained in the living room alone, a emotional derelict, unable to completely hear the fast paced conversations wrapping around me because of my deaf ear, and unable to comprehend or even relate to the plethora of TV shows everyone had watched and was talking and laughing about. I’m not good looking, so no one even wanted to be around me for that. I wasn’t funny. Every joke I made was at my expense, and rather than building my confidence, the alcohol made it worse. I was perfectly aware of everything that was going on around me.
I got up, and walked out on the front lawn, looking at the dew-stained grass by the blasting glow of the front porch light. I held my blazer over my shoulder with one finger. I thought about how far away home was. 8 miles? Seemed oddly appropriate…
Tamika came out. She said something semi-concerned, and asked me to come back in. I said no. I said there are things I didn’t want her to know about me.
She moved slightly, the beer making her sense of balance not what it should be.
I turned my head away, and hurled on the edge of the grass. But not from the alcohol. When I arose, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, my tear stained eyes saw Tamika coming toward me. I motioned her not to, and said goodby.
I left her on the front porch, crying, her clouded mind unable to comprehend what was the matter with me.
I began walking home.
And then I woke up.
I hate dreams like that.
:defabandonedpyro: pretty much summed it up for me today. I don’t want to loose her as a friend. Which is dangerous, because I feel like it’s deceitful.
I care so much about her, and don’t want to let her down. She trusts me as the guy who she can be friends with, without having to date.
Why the devil does it have to be me?
It’s like being the black guy on a chick flick. You’re never, under any circumstances, ever, going to get the girl. The girl belongs to with attractive white guy. Who really doesn’t care.
I want so much to be the friend she can trust, and do everything in my power to not have any romantic feelings for her to destroy the trust she’s given me so completely.
“I only want to make you happy, just want to make you happy…” -India.Arie
I am tearing myself up. I’m desperately trying to let Logic and Mystery rebuilt me, and rebuild the nonchalance that has toppled so badly.
I don’t want to loose her trust.
I felt like Vinny really hammered me this weekend, though by her standards, it was probably nothing. She and Tamika get along amazingly, but I feel like I’m just not… cool enough to be in her crowd. I’m sensitive, she’s really not. I guess I just don’t understand insulting people for fun, and that being the common thing to do in a friendship. Where I come from, people have fun without doing that, and insults are taken seriously. She publicly humiliated me a couple times, and I was laughed at by everyone. I mean, I know I’m awkward and have trouble carrying on conversations because of my dang ear, but do you have to rub it in?
I don’t get it either. When we were at Aunt Michelle’s barbecue, she actually talked to me a little bit.
But then she and Tamika just ogled over Talisha’s new French boyfriend, who was rich, buff, and had a home in Paris.
I swear, that just made me feel like a million. Rubles.
The best part of the weekend was just being with Aunt Faye at that spectacular Jazz concert. If she was my age, I’d date her in a heartbeat. She is just such a cool and happy person. I love being around her. The music was just incredible, it was the first real Jazz concert I’d ever been to, and just to hear that pianist play melted me.
At one of the many points when Vinny and Tamika were talking up at the front of the car like I didn’t exist, Vinny mentioned “No wonder girls go for older guys. They’re just more stable.”
Bloody hell.
Does it look like I’m TRYING to be unstable?
…
…
whoa.
And then she calls me. Like just now.
Logic & Mystery won.
I knew she was getting off work at 10pm today, so I opened up the journal entry and disconnected so the phone would be off the hook just-in-case… and she called.
And suddenly, Passion is tied back up, and Joy is satisfied, and Logic and Mystery make lots of headway in rebuilding me. Just like that. In a 45 minute conversation about really nothing at all.
We even talked about how we’re working to get along with each other. I’m learning to just let her vent, and only offer my opinion when she asks, and she’s learning to work more with my sensitivity.
She even wants to call me again tomorrow.
Yes, I can do this. I just need to hold onto this feeling. Just hold on.
If you believe, keep me in your prayers. I will make it.