Mood: Crying With Joy .: Chanced Upon :.
Listening to: .: If I was the One – Ruff Endz :.
Reading: .: Esther by Mordecai :.
Watching: .: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy :.
Inquisition: Who are you closest to?
Aloha!
Tuesday was Nativity’s first meeting. It went rather well, and was pretty informative. They went over the basics of the school, discipline standards, ect.
I’m getting a little antsy, but I think I’ll be alright.
Lox and I have been organizing the classroom, but he keeps disappearing, and there remains a lot to be done. He has to leave soon, because he’s going to go back to NY to help his parents move.
My grandmother had an accident, I don’t know if I wrote that. She fell while she was walking, and cut up her lip and index finger. It’s scary to me because she is so old (even though she is really active). So if you believe, pray for her.
I had to rush out to mail some packages, and then came back and had some pirogies for dinner with Lox. Tamika called me and asked if I wanted to to run to Target. She was going to get together with a bunch of Messiah people near her and Vinny’s new house. I misheard her, though, and thought she was going to Target first and the party later. Lox and Spam and I were going to have band practice, so I asked if I could meet her afterwards. She said she’d leave by 8, and I could come if I got back by that time.
Practice went very well, we wrote a couple of new songs, one of them a kinda funky rock and roll song. It has a lot of potential. We got back around 8:30ish, much to my dismay, and I ran up to room and called her. She didn’t answer, so I left a message and began morosely cleaning up and starting some laundry. Suddenly, the phone rang, with her on the line. She asked me if I still wanted to go. She showed up at the door a few minutes later and we took off. She was in a rush, because she had to get everything for her lamp in her room.
Fortunately I was able to give good directions to Target, and after making a stop at Home Depot I had collected everything I needed to put together a Chinese Lantern style lamp. We got back to her house and I put the lamp together, wiring it while we watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy with Vinny. I find I like that show. It has a lot of good advice.
After that I installed it in her ceiling and we went back to my house and just talked for a while. A long while. She told me the story of her previous boyfriends. It was really nice, and was really good to talk with her.
I figured a lot of things out. Why she had trouble trusting people, why she was the way she was, what was dangerous for, her, what she liked.
She told me about her last close guy friend she had had, who had been almost as close as me, and how it ended. He had tried to kiss her, and then had covered it up the next day by saying she wasn’t his type. Ouch.
She mentioned that all guys were the same (“excluding you, of course,” she said) in that they had some kind of angle, some hidden ulterior motive.
She told me how her friend had changed when he had gotten married later, and how even when they were dating, he didn’t treat her as as much of friend as he had, proving to her that he had only been nice to her to get with her.
After she was done, I asked her. “There is one thing I don’t understand. After all of this, all the ways you’ve been treated and your mistrust of guys, why the devil do you trust me?”
She looked directly at me from across the futon and blinked. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to answer that.”
And she trusts me so much.
That pretty much closed the case for me, and reaffirmed what I had told myself two years ago. I would not fall in love with anyone unless I knew they loved me.
She needs a friend she can trust, and I’d be so very very stupid to compromise that in any way.
She slept over, and went to work.
After work I invited her over for dinner and cooked her some Fettucini Alfredo and chocolate chip cookies. At 7 she had to run, because she was going to hang out with this kid Matt. She mentioned praying for her. She was attracted to him, and after what she had told me last night, I began to get worried. She said she’d call me and left.
I stared at the wall. I turned on some music, hoping to distract myself. Musiq, D’Angelo and Lauryn Hill only seemed to make it worse. I picked up books, and lay them back down again in disgust. I had left my Bible back at the school, but didn’t dare run back to get it for fear of missing her call. I lay on my bed, and stared at the ceiling. I was freezing, but didn’t turn down the air conditioner. I tried to photo work on the computer, got one photo done and gave up. I curled up on the futon with my blue blanket at the phone, and fell asleep. I was weary, we had stayed up so late the night before.
I was worried. She had told me not to, but I was terribly. I was afraid of what Matt was like. When you don’t have a very high opinion of yourself, you have absolutely no confidence whatsoever that anyone might find you desirable or even slightly attractive. I suppose this makes it magical because when someone does tell you they like you, your heart melts. But at this point my insecurities were driving me crazy.
My mind raced. I tumbled over myself. Mystery argued I shouldn’t be so anxious, it wasn’t very good for me, nor did it hold up much of an image. I should find some way to act nonchalant. Passion strained at it’s confines, bellowing that if he could break free he’d walk to her house and beat the stuffing out of Matt, and he didn’t care that the motorcycle wasn’t working. Logic told me I was crazy for inventing such far fetched ideas, Tamika didn’t really know Matt that much anyway, right? Right… Right… At least I think so…
Joy just sat on the floor and cried softly to himself.
The ironically named Joy won, of course, and I wept.
Something was tugging at me, I’m not sure what it was. It drove me to almost call her 6 or 7 times.
Finally, midnight dragged it’s feet into the room and I dialed the number.
She didn’t pick up, so I left a message. “Aloha. Hope you’re ok.”
Something along those lines. I crawled into bed wearily and sank my head into my pillow.
The phone rang.
She asked if I was ok.
I stammered I wasn’t sure, and asked her if she was.
She told me what had happened.
Nothing. Nothing at all. Vinny was there, and she had just watched Queer Eye with her and Matt. I’d never had such a strong drive that something was happening and been wrong. Or was I… Tamika had said that frankly she had been annoyed by Matt, and he had made her uncomfortable. He was just weird.
She said she was tired, but said she wanted to come over and felt like watching a movie. I begged her to some, and she did.
We never got the video. We just talked. About our insecurities, about what we thought about physical attributes, about how we were afraid of certain things. About how we had grown up affected how we thought now.
We read the Bible together, and discussed why it was nessecary for Jesus to have been born from a virgin.
We got sillier and sillier, and gradually drifted.
She fell asleep at around 5, and I got up and got changed. I tucked her in on the futon, whispered goodnight and went to bed.
We woke up and went to her house to wait for the water heater repairman, who was to come that day. We had a Bible study and read over and discussed the book of Esther. I really like doing Bible study with her, it’s nice to get her perspective.
After that we rushed to Nativity because I needed to talk with Mrs. Cheney. Tamika checked her e-mail and printed out directions to visit Mr. Macnamara, the directer of FCA. She just left.
I got to get back to work on these computers and work on my motorcycle a bit.