Mood: Hopeful .: Seesaw Inside :.
Listening to: .: Nat King Cole – Je Vous Aime Beaucoup :.
Reading: .: World Book Encyclopedia N :.
Watching: .: Kate & Leopold :.
Aloha..
And so my time at home is coming to an end.
A lot of thoughts have been cascading through my head, running over the jagged cliffs and through the smooth stones that are the permanent geology that makes me who I am.
The Bethel Bible gang repeatedly raised the ancient question:
Why, if I am such rarity, do I not return to this place?
It makes sense on the surface, after all…
I speak Naskapi, Montagnais, English and French well enough. With a slight dusting, I could be completely fluent and able to write in all four.
I know the area. I know it’s dangers, and understand it’s beauty. I know what it takes to scrape by up here, and I know how to make life a wonderful experience despite the hardships.
I know the people. I know where they came from, what they think about, why they have certain problems, who they are and why.
So… Why not come back?
The question hit me point blank several times, and it hurt.
Certain members of the Bethel gang were on fire to move up there as soon as possible. Whether this was a spark or a lasting flame is insignificant; they had a stronger desire to live here than I did.
I know there are deeper reasons for me, but I had always covered it simply that this place would not fulfill all the capabilities I have been built for. There aren’t the only languages I have the ability to master, nor is this the only community that I could fit seamlessly into and make an impact in. I can live anywhere.
Maybe that’s the curse of a place like this. Not only do I know it, but it knows me. This is the place that mocked me as a child. That was cold and unwelcoming, friendless, barren and desolate. It is this place that created in me art, poetry, music and writing from the unquenchable thirst for allies. It is the dead end, where those short changed by life finally find peace with no one telling them to keep trying.
It represents the biggest dichotomy in my existence. It is the one place where I am completely understood, but also the one place where no one wants to listen. It is where I base myself and keep my roots, but is also the place that disowned me in every shape and form when I was young. It is the place where I feel most at home and most unnerved at the same time.
That’s the beauty of moving somewhere new. I’ve been through so much, that every new place I’ve ever been since leaving Schefferville has accepted me fantastically, because I can mold myself to who I want to be, rather than the person everyone thinks I am.
And then there’s the other half.
I got to know two very special people from the Bethel group, a Haitian-Canadian girl from Montréal named Vanessa Ismaël and a Québecquois girl from Rivière-Baudette named Corinne Lerou. I’m hoping we’ll be friends for a long time. But it was their passion for this place that surprised me. They were both ready to move here permanently if they even had half a chance.
I’d long known that I could never return to live here alone. For one thing the lack of a companion would grate at my nerves as it was, but to be in such a lonely place at the same time and have no one to confide in can drive one insane. I’m confident I could live in any other place alone except this one. And since I knew that about myself, I knew it was unlikely that I would ever live here because I doubted that I would find a girl who would not only have the strength of character to live up here, but also have a passion for the place.
I suppose it’s interesting that I would come that conclusion given the people I normally hang out with. International Students are without a doubt the most culturally diverse and well rounded people out there. But my particular group; that is those who go to Messiah College, happen to be from the further upper classes of their respective countries (since my college’s tuition is so high), and which while cosmopolitan, they are rather sheltered. This does not make them the ideal partners for a savage like myself, especially one whose idea life would be bouncing from country to country starting cultural and social revolutions.
But what Corinne and Vanessa made me realize was that there was more hope for me, that there might be girls out there like that. Far be it from me to pin down what my destiny might be, (I’m looking into programs that pay off very big chunks of my loans for teaching English as a second language in Asia) but it was a lesson to me not to close the doors on Schefferville and Kawawachikamach.