Mood: Upset .: Burning Inside :.
Listening to: .: Lina – I’m not the Enemy :.
Reading: .: The Black Panthers Speak :.
Watching: .: You Got Served :.
It burns, a molten torch in my chest.
I’m still alive, though. I’m still working on myself. It does not hurt bad.
Ok, that’s a lie. It hurts like nothing else. But I must not use her gentleness to salve my wounds. It’s interesting… she appears the hard girl to everyone else, shooting them down with a simple look. But she is gentle to me. It’s not a matter of the eye of the beholder. It’s a change in actions.
If I use that, I’m only hurting myself. Filling myself with empty feelings. Surreptitiously received love is as vacant as the living room after a night’s passion. I’d be using her for affection, while she’d be using me for appreciation. And if anything physical happened, even a kiss, I would take it wrong. I need to appreciate her as a friend, stop calling her every day, stop visiting her all the time. Give her time to think. Give myself time to think.
I need to explore my options, and I ALSO need not to let the affections of others repair my damages either. I need to fix myself, spend more time with God, and revamp.
What a way to start a semester.
It’s hard, because Inya has such a powerful effect on me. She calms me like nothing else. Maybe I should be more discerning when I take advantage of that.
It’s going to be a long withdrawal, when I fall in love I fall deep.
I went out to see “You got Served” today. The story line was terrible. The acting was worse. The dancing was OFF THE CHAIN. I’m tellin’ you right now, there ain’t any other movie out there with dancing this good. Especially at the end. It was entertaining. Not sure it was 5$ worth, but it was nice to get off campus. I went with Idiki and Hope. I invited Inya. I would have been a crumb not to. She is STILL my best friend. This is going to be interesting. And very very hard.
Inya still isn’t feeling so great from her cough, so she didn’t come.
Oie. I wish life wasn’t so hard. It would be shady if it was easy, but this is too much. I need someone to talk to. I think too much, and then when I tell Inya as a friend, I inevitably end up telling her too much. No one can deal with that, especially when I’m discovering myself. All 4 voices have different opinions. I need to work out which is the strongest before I talk to anyone.