Mood: .: Snowy :.
Listening to: .: Plumb – Stranded :.
Reading: .: A Right to Be Hostile – Aaron McGruder :.
Watching: .: lost in translation :.
Aloha.
Pagoda played a show on Friday.
I royally messed up “Love Song for No One At All”;
A song I wrote
A song I have the lead vocals in
A song that, while not my favorite, is certainly very far up there.
I felt like I let the whole band down.
I felt like complete dirt.
I stumbled around on the other songs, especially “Silver Spoons and Sinking Rooms”.
I don’t have anyone to blame but myself, I need to practice it more. I should be able to play a keyboard to it and sing it as well, and I haven’t pushed myself far enough.
My mood changed later; we were reviewed by some guy named Mike Powers who wants us to play at State Street Station, and he mentioned he loved the keyboards in his e-mail. So I guess I didn’t completely botch those.
Anyways, I slept at Lox’s house.
So did Nina and Mesgana.
Nina, Scott & Mesgana started drinking, and I hung out with them for a bit. Mesgana’s been hitting on Nina for a while, but she doesn’t really want him to. They were all getting tipsy (I don’t drink) and Mesgana began getting pushy. I was ready to knock his lights out if he didn’t try anything. He went out for a smoke and Nina said she really didn’t want to sleep in the same room as him. I told her to let him have the loveseat they were sitting on (there were two in the room) and I let her sit on mine and gave her my sleeping bag. I told her I’d find some other place for her to sleep after Mesgana fell asleep.
Mesgana pretended he was drunk, but then get kind of depressed and fell asleep. Scott, of course, was jovial, and his noise and antics proved Mesgana was really asleep. I led Nina upstairs. Scott had a walk in closet, and a mattress that he let Nina sleep on. The boy was completely incompetent, and I had to demand he get some sheets for her to sleep on. He stumbled around and found some, but couldn’t find any blankets.
I told him to go to bed, and gave Nina my sleeping bag. She was very out of it, and curled up on the mattress. I wrapped her up and made sure she was warm (the heat isn’t the greatest in their house). She was very quiet during this whole time, and thanked me for taking care of her.
I wished her goodnight, and a tear fell from her eye.
I asked her what was wrong, and as she fell asleep she whispered “I just want you to be happy”.
I was angry.
I went up to Lox’s room, and found a sheet to throw over myself and curled up in his roommate’s bed.
The next day, I got up and they were gone. I took a shower, and Lox gave me a tour of the School of the Nativity, where I’d like to work after I graduate. I’m excited. I hope I get a position there. I’m so excited.
I got back and called Inya, and told here everything that had happened. She had some interesting theories about what was going on with Nina. I’m not sure how much I believe about them. It’s a given I’m naive. I also have a hard time understanding any emotion expressed to me, even though I can easily tell exactly how people are feeling towards each other. I need to think some more.
Rafiki had a meeting, and Fred blew up. He’s my roommate, and since he moved in the house he’s done nothing but complain about the noise. He is a very light sleeper, and cannot study with any amount of noise. However, the nature of the Rafiki house is that it is a very noisy and social place. He was basically chasing people out of the house, for his own reasons. This goes against the whole object of the house, which is to provide a place where international students can come to feel comfortable.
Anyways, everyone in the house went off on him, and finally talked some sense into him. He’s going to be moving out in February.
It’s a lot more complicated than that, but I don’t feel like going into it.
I went and visited Inya after that, and just talked for a while. She was sleepy, so she took a nap, and then I came back and took her out (actually, technically she took ME out) to see ” lost in translation”. Weird movie. I’m not entirely sure what their motivation was for making it, and am kind of surprised that Messiah played it (nudity). It was… interesting. I’ll give it that. It also had a pretty good encompassing view of Japanese culture. I didn’t really like it that much. I wouldn’t watch it again.
I HATE the main character. I never want to feel that empty. I never want to loose myself, or see life as that unbeautiful. I won’t.
I can’t.
I took Inya back to her room.
She is so comfortable around me, and I with her.
I’m not sure, but she seems to be changing. I’m going to remain the same, and keep the boundary of friendship.
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
I was angry and touched with Nina at the same time.
She really does care about me.
She should NOT drink around Mesgana, though. She shouldn’t get drunk around anyone who she is not completely comfortable with. That makes me angry. That’s careless. What if I wasn’t there? Scott can hardly be trusted to stick up for her. Scott himself is trying to get into her pants.
Scott’s pretty much harmless. He is more interested in black girls than her. He can’t avoid that. I don’t know if he’ll ever marry one, but he will never give up his search for one.
Mesgana is dangerous. Highly emotional, but also very selfish. He mentioned he found Shelly (Nina’s friend) attractive when she started avoiding him. I saw him heading out with her today.
Inya thinks Nina is playing a very large and elaborate game, whether she’s aware of it or not. I’m not sure that’s true, Nina seems (almost) as naive as I am. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s dangerous. I don’t know she can take care of herself, and that scares me.
She can only get me to do so much, though. I had the chance to be super-protector last night, and I didn’t. I felt like I could have swept her clean off her feet, but I didn’t want to. I don’t know why completely. She’s very pretty, very smart, and has a wonderful personality. But I don’t feel right. It’s not going to happen. I won’t do anything more than look out for her as a friend, regardless of what she did.
All this scares me, because I need to talk to Nina about who she drinks around. She had trouble walking. That is going too far if she’s not comfortable.
Also, Inya is still only as friends.
My own thirst for love bothers me. I want to love so badly, and I realize how close I come to being satisfied, and yet it doesn’t happen, either by my hand or by that of another.
I’m not going to give up on a fairy tale. I’m not going to stop seeing beauty, and thirsting for it.
Inya is changing. She read to me her character sketch for a piece she’s doing for Intro to Acting. It’s a fight between a married couple; a black woman and white man. They’re divorcing in the play, but in her character Inya points out why she thinks the marriage failed, and why it wouldn’t for her. She talks about how here view on interracial marriages is changing for the better.
I want someone to remember me.
I want to have something worth leaving behind.
I hope I feel still feel small when I stand beside the ocean.
I hope when one door closes that one more opens.
I will give faith a fighting chance.
I hope I dance.