Inya & Nina, Caroline & Kanke

There are a million things I should be working on, but I need to write.

This is where the true test of writing a journal entry comes in, because it is so… deep.

This is just a disclaimer. If you don’t want to know everything about the way I think, then please don’t read anymore. This journal speaks the truth.

I spoke with Inya last night.

Stop. Rewind. Play.

I spoke with Kankemwa last night.
She often comes to me for consolation. She broke up with her boyfriend a while back, but it’s still been affecting her. I often sit with her to help her work things out.
The issue was this: She wasn’t sure whether she should e-mail him again or not, because she was definitely feeling for him. I’m not going to go into the specifics, but I was egging her on to express her feelings, not now, but perhaps at a safe time.
Suddenly, she asked me if I had e-mailed Caroline. It’s been almost a full year since we broke up. She thought I should. I responded that I didn’t want to harass her anymore.
Kanke had lived across the street in the Girls Rafiki house when Caroline and I had broken up. She told me of a phone call they had received shortly after we broke up. Caroline had called the Girls and asked simply that they take care of me, because she knew I was going through a rough time.

I didn’t know what to say. Kanke looked me directly in the eye, and asked me if I was willing to put everything on the line simply because I didn’t e-mail her.
I brushed it off and laughed, remarking that it was her who was supposed to be being counseled.
But the thought stuck with me.
It’s been a year.
And I still feel like I forgive her, even after all the hurt.
I wonder how she’s going…

Later that night, Inya called.
I had said something awfully stupid to her the other night when we had been talking in my office, and it had been eating away at me for the past while. She had said at the time that she didn’t want to talk about it, so I stayed away from the topic. She quickly changed the subject, but I could tell something was different.
We began talking on the phone. I had (have? I don’t know) a crush on her at the end of the summer, and suddenly as we were talking I realized something was different about her too. I asked if we could talk in person. I went over to South Complex, and we sat in the lounge.
We’ve been very good friends for a while. I apologized profusely. I’d realized that something was changing about the way I was feeling about her, and had tried to bring a skidding relationship back to the friendship that was. She’s Nigerian, and there are a million little things that added up could make it very very hard for her if anything were to ever happen between us. I didn’t want to do anything stupid, so I tried to keep it low. But in the process, I also tried to ignore hints from her that she was letting me into a circle of friends that she rarely lets anyone into.
And the other night, those two worlds had collided.
Last night, we talked until 3. And we spelled out everything. Or at least, mostly I did. She still wasn’t sure. But I felt the need somehow to be direct with her about how I felt, simply so we don’t have to keep playing these games until someone gets hurt.
The strange thing was, it didn’t end when I told her. We talked about all kinds of things afterwards. Whatever happens, I hope we’re still friends.

When I got home, I found a note on my instant messenger, Nina hadn’t been able to sleep, and obviously had needed someone to talk to.
But she was gone.

I feel weird. Nothing has happened. According to everything official, we’re all still friends.
But what my friendship with Inya, Nina & Caroline constitutes I have absolutely no idea.

Cacophony.
I’m not sure how to make sense of it all.
I need to think.
I need them to think.
I need peace.

I’m graduating in MAY.