Recorded, Trapped & Forlorn

Song currently playing: Delirium – After All

Aloha…

We recorded this past weekend, and it went awesome. The pictures are up on .
We drove down to Maryland to this little dilapidated farmhouse. It really looked like a wreck, like something out of a cheap thriller movie where the deranged country bumpkin kills all his neighbors.
But once we got inside, we were impressed. Apparently Todd, the Studio’s manager, can’t do any exterior renovations due to strict building codes near Antietam. Proof that you shouldn’t judge by the outside…
We set up and got to work right away. Todd was a really friendly guy, and the band warmed to him easily.
Saxton and I weren’t doing the hottest, however, he had a sinus infection and I was still getting over the cold. I tried singing “Love Song For No One At All” that day, but just couldn’t do it for lack of breath.

That night we stayed at Saxton’s uncles’ place, he has a really nice house in upper-class Frederick suburbia. We were bushed and pretty much passed out on the couches in his basement. We went swimming the next morning in their pool, all save Spam; who hates water.

We drove back and hit the studio again, and by the time we were done we had 4 songs completely recorded, mixed and mastered. I still wasn’t able to sing at full potential, so with Todd’s help we piecemealed “Love Song” together. I think Saxton wanted to do the lyrics over again too, but we ran short on time. Poor guy was really hurting from the sinus infection.

Monday at lunch I had a meeting with Dining Services, they’d like to hire me as the web designer this fall. They weren’t too clear on the details, so I requested they send me the full job description and I’d consider it. It may work out, it may not. Student Computer Services has been pretty good to me, and I have a certain loyalty to them. We’ll see what they offer.

Monday evening I practiced with Lox some more; working on “Tidal Machines”. I rewired the Rhodes completely, so now I can play the Rhodes and the Yamaha at the same time, as well as running effects pedals. Lox is getting some pretty sweet fingerings for his guitar part for that song.

Tuesday went a little weird. I got off work early, and actually had a chunk of time where I had nothing to do.

I listened to Delirium’s “After All” and nearly broke down in tears. I haven’t been that affected by a song in a long time. The lyrics, if they had been written for a guy, would fit my situation exactly. It hurt really bad.
I don’t understand. It’s been almost a year since I broke up with Caroline. Why is it I still think of her every single day? It hurts too much. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. But I feel so wounded.
I suppose I do understand; I gave everything to love. So, when love left me, I had nothing. I feel so empty. God is still there, but I’m just a waif of what I once was.

Maybe it’s something else. I think me falling into crushes isn’t helping. But it’s so hard. I see these wonderful girls around me, and can’t help but be attracted to them. That’s the trouble with seeing the beauty in everything. You end up havin trouble deciding what is best for you.

I drifted around campus, like a ghost. I felt like I’d been stabbed, but no one noticed the wound. I went to dinner, I ate alone.

I kept drifting. Something kept drawing me to Bittner 3rd, I wasn’t quite sure what it was.
I kept walking, and was so dazed I seemed to loose consciousness and wake up to find myself on another part of campus.
Finally, I woke up in front of Regina’s door.
I stopped for a moment.
I knocked.
“Come on in!” she called.
The door was locked.
“I can’t!” I said.

I wasn’t sure why I was in front of her door. I’m not sure how I got there.

She opened the door and smiled. “Hi Ben!”
I looked through the door, then to her. “There’s no one else here?” Usually people would come hang out there, it gave me an excuse to hang out too, I suppose. She was dressed in boxers & a tee. Looked like she was going to bed or just coming from it.
“Nope, just me.” It didn’t look like the best time.
“You’re not working tonight?” Dumb question.
“Nope, I had off.”
“Oh, ok.” I was stammering now.

There was silence.
I smiled.
She smiled.

“Um, yeah”. I stammered some more.
She smiled. She smiled so warmly. The door wavered back and forth.

There was silence.
I smiled.
She smiled.
“Awkward.” I said sheepishly…
She laughed.
“I guess I’ll see you later, then…”
“Ok.” she said.
I turned to leave.
“You can come in if you want to…” she called after me.
I turned. I smiled sadly. “No, that’s ok. I don’t think it would be a good idea. I’ll see you.”
“See you…” She paused at the door a moment, and then turned to go back inside; leaving the door open.

I rounded the corner of the hall, and pounded my fist into it.
“Stupid.” I growled under my breath. Paint fell from the wall where I had planted my fist, but I didn’t feel anything.
Down the hall, Janice rounded the corner.
“Hey, Ben!” she smiled.
“Hi Janice..” I called back.
She paused.. “Are you.. ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine!” I called back, a little too loudly, a little to cheerily. “I’m fine.”
“Oh, ok.” She disappeared into her room.

I stumbled down to the lounge and plopped myself down on the couch. I was dazed. I wasn’t quite sure what had happened back there. Why was I always making excuses to go to Regina and Lalrem’s room? Why had I ended up there. Why had I froze? Why hadn’t I gone in? What the devil was wrong with me? Did I have a CRUSH on her? I don’t know. The questions sang louder and louder. I was completely inert, I sat staring blankly into the wall.
Why do girls have such a big effect on me? Why did I loose all control? Why do I feel such an overpowering desire to love and be loved?

I felt like a beast in a cage. I was fooling myself, no girl here even finds me remotely attractive. To them, I’m the goofy freak on a leash, the sometimes funny; often annoying kid who’s class ranking sets distance unfathomable. I seem older than I am at times, younger than I am at times, but never the age where they would take me seriously.

I sat there for 3 hours. I completely spaced out. Inya stopped by, asking me what was wrong, but I successfully diverted the conversation away from myself and let her move on to more important things.

10:00 rolled around. Finally, visitation hours ended. I stiffly rose, and trundled to the door.
I passed Regina’s room on the way out. Her door was still open. She sat at her computer, staring at her screen saver and talking on the phone.
I descended down the stairs.

I sang “Man in the Movie” all the way home at the top of my lungs.