Aloha.
Busy life for Ben, it’s been 2 weeks since the beginning of school.
I’m taking Senior Seminar, Ceramics, Graphics III and Swimming. It’s only 10 credits but the weight of the work is crushing me. AND I have to sign up for more credits or I won’t graduate. I hate this. I don’t feel like I’m given enough time to absorb anything, and it almost refutes the amount of money I’m shelling out to be here.
I’m now in the clear; with my parents’ help I just made it financially. I feel so miserable, because my parents are really hard on money already, and my sis is starting college next fall. I haven’t sold anything online in months, and I’m not sure why.
I am working 15 hours a week for SCS still, but that’s killing me too, because it means I don’t have enough time to study or practice clay.
Ceramics is the hardest course, demanding close to triple class time in outside work. AND that’s if you’re good at it. I suck at it. My clay I was just working on flew across the room off the wheel. I’m taking a short break from that to write this. Needless to say, I probably won’t be submitting any artwork for a while.
And, to even add to my feeling crummy, I haven’t sent out my sister’s birthday card I made for her (her B-day was Aug 26th) because the post office is never open when I have a free slot of time. It isn’t open until I’m already in class, isn’t open over lunch, and is closed by the time I get out of class.
Pagoda seems to be demanding more and more time, the boys want to add a second practice every week, and I’m already hard pressed to even have one a week. The load is just too much. I’m having rocky feelings about the band, it seems I’m not helping anyone by being there, and it’s slowly deteriorating my peripheral sense of morality. I’m saying things I shouldn’t be saying by hanging out with them and it’s starting to worry me. I often feel like the 5th wheel, no matter how much I help them in certain areas of composition. There just isn’t that much of a place for a piano in a rock band.
Gospel Choir has started up again, and I feel right at home in that.
Strangely, even with all that’s been going on, I feel surprisingly close to God. He’s been keeping me stable, even though everything else has been falling apart. I’m not sure how this is going to work out, but I guess we’ll see.
I HAVE to remember to add another class by the 15th, that’s the last day to do it.
I hate being a senior. I don’t want to leave all my friends.
I hate all this pressure, it doesn’t give me enough time to think.
I just want to learn. If I had the funds, I’d study at least 5 more majors just because I love to learn.
Could I study on my own? I wish I could.