Song currently playing: Children – Robert Miles
And so I write to you remotely.
I am at my friend Rob’s house, who was kind enough to come pick me up at my house for a weekend to hang out at his very welcoming family’s house in Maryland. I was originally going to go to VA Beach, but I wasn’t able to get a hold of my friend Kim, a Vietnamese student who lives there. Ah well, I’m having fun here.
I’ll be missing a Pagoda practice tomorrow night, which is a shame, but we’re doing well, and aren’t too pressed for practices anyways.
Very vivid dreams lately, though none of them Deja Vu, I can tell. Short clips, usually of me being in close encounter with a girl. It amazes me how much I miss that; simply feeling truly welcome in the same place. It… just makes me feel content inside, even if we’re doing something as mundane as studying together… the interaction is like liquid electricity for me. Each single solitary event like that makes me feel as if I could shut down completely at that moment and live on that feeling for the rest of eternity.
Maybe I fall in love to easily. But if were to mean I would be deprived of this feeling, than I wouldn’t want it.
The dreams are never the same girl, oddly enough, most likely preying on my own insecurities about whether girls are really attracted to me or not. But I entertain the dreams, at least they’re better than my overactive mind coming up with every type of rejection a particular girl could give me, should I ever come outright and say what I was feeling. This happens too often in my own head anyways.
*stares in irony a moment as he reads his own journal*
I must at all costs drop my inhibitions the next time the opportunity arises, her exactly what I’m feeling. I’ve got to give it at least a try.
*goes on to justify himself*
I’ll be a Senior, after all, I don’t have much to lose in being completely honest.
Say if I merely said I found her cute. This would be no lie.
Say I found her personality attractive. This would be no lie either.
Say I told her I wanted to be her friend. This would also be no lie, but would most likely kill any serious chances of me ever being her friend (or anything deeper, for that matter.)
And this my arguments bazooka themselves to death.
Unless, of course, she smiled prettily and said she found she liked me too.
Then you might as well bazooka me, because I would be completely GONE by then anyways.
Girls often have a list of visible criteria to figure out which is a good guy. Guys only need an opportunity to get to know them.