Song currently playing: Secret Ambition – Micheal W. Smith
I won’t be around for a week or two, I’m going on vacation. I’ll have a lot of catching up to do when I get back, but be assured I’ll look at all your work. 
Pagoda’s practice last night of a particular song had a deep effect on me, as I predicted.
Caroline called me.
I was working in Frey, and my boss called me as she usually does, and gave a couple instructions on stuff she wanted me to do.
Suddenly, she cut off.
At the same moment, the phone across the hall rang. One of the workstudy janitor girls who was sweeping the floor picked it up and answered it.
She looked puzzled for a moment, then handed it to me.
“It’s for you.” she said, holding out the receiver.
I got up and took it from her, and answered.
“Hello?”
“Hello.” she said. That should have cued me off, the particular tone she answered with should have struck me, it was the way we always started phone conversations, without ever saying the other’s name. But it’s been so long since I talked to her I didn’t even recognize it.
She seemed to get a little scared and frustrated that I didn’t recognize her, so she tried speaking to me in Naskapi (I had taught her a few words).
“Da-deen?” [what’s up?]
“Da-deen?” I replied, “u- one chi?” [who are you?]
She didn’t understand of course, and tried to remember some other words.
“Shachituun, Binchibin.” [I love you, Benjamin.]
I finally recognized who it was but was a little freaked out that she called me. I played dumb.
“U- one u chi? Ash teemini shtudaatin. Danta ataain?” [Who are you? I can’t understand you at all. Where are you?]
She became even more frustrated and scared, and digressed into Indonesian, trying desparately to communicate with me.
“It’s Caroline, Ben.” she finally said.
I didn’t know what to say. “Well… hi.”
There was an awkward pause.
“I really want to talk to you.” she said softly, “I just- I’ve been feeling bad about the way things ended. Between you and me.”
I remained neutral. “Uh huh..”
She paused again, I could hear adjust wherever she was. Probably lying on her bed. “I feel bad, Ben. I know I cut you off, and I’m sorry.”
“You said you wanted to be friends, but then wouldn’t respond to me. What was I supposed to think?” I wasn’t angry, but I didn’t quite comprehend that she was actually doing this.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I was scared of you, you know? All the stuff we did, I didn’t want us to go back.”
“But we worked through it each time. We never dealt with the same problem twice, because we took the time to talk with one another. Once you cut me off, I never was able to understand why. I still don’t know why.” I was getting slightly miffed.
“I was scared, Ben. But I’ve been thinking all this time we’ve been apart. It’s been hard for me too, you know.”
“It doesn’t seem like it.”
“It has…” she didn’t lose her tone. She seemed so soft… “It’s been really hard. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I just decided to take things into control and … but I’m not sure if I’m right anymore. I was just thinking.. what if you are the one for me? I mean, it could still happen, I don’t want to give up on that chance…”
“Well… me neither…” I admitted, “But I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. I don’t know who you are.”
“I still remember you,” she said, “I miss you, Ben. It’s hard. I met a couple guys down here, they’re ok, but they’re not as gentle, or patient or strong or as forgiving as you. I want to at least see if we can be friends again. I miss you not mostly in our relationship, but in our friendship. We were good friends. You’re still the best friend I’ve ever met, you know.”
“Me neither…” I said softly. I looked around. Without knowing it, I had retreated into the classroom out of sight of the cleaning girl, and was sitting on the floor. staring at my hands.
“I want to see you again, Ben. But I want to know what you think…” She paused.
We sat in silence for a while, I was thinking hard.
My very first initial gut reaction was to forgive her. I was incredibly surprised at this thought, that even after all the pain I had been through, and how much her silence had hurt me like nothing before; I still felt the desire to forgive her. And it was strong too. Not for want of a relationship, either. Though I did want that, I wanted only to forgive her because I knew it was the right thing to do, and honestly, I wanted her back as a friend.
Other relationships were progressing here at the college, strong friendships, and it was tough trying to determine what it was worthwhile. I just wasn’t sure how honest she was being.
One of the things she had told me when we broke up was that all the times she had said she loved me over the two years we had been together, she had never really felt it. That was rough for me. But the thing was, she broke up with me over the phone. I couldn’t tell whether she was being serious, or whether she was simply saying it to give me a reason to push her away. I don’t know. I couldn’t see her eyes.
I knew what to say. I needed to see her face to face, needed to see if she was serious enough to take time off of work and school, and to drive up here to say it to my face.
I was about to say that to her…
And I woke up.
Like I said previously, 85% of my dreams are Deja Vu. But they don’t usually come true if I talk about them. So, that’s why I’ve decided to tell you this one. If this happens, I’ll know it will have happened because it was meant to be, not because I simply dreamed it. I only want this to come true if it’s really true. Because I’m so tired of living on half-feelings.
As I said before, I will never fall in love again unless the other person expresses love in me. When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I’ll never fall in love.
Back to Pagoda. The reason this dream was spawned was from the song Saxton finished the lyrics to last night. It doesn’t really have a title yet, but I’ll call it Phoenix for now.
I wrote the bassline for Phoenix, and from it the entire band jumped on and took off with it, developing it into a truly rocking song.
But when I heard the final lyrics last night, and what the meaning behind them was, I was horrified. The meaning Jared brought to the song was him arising from the destruction of a past relationship, basking in the glory that he had been affected by the heartache from past experiences, and in conceited self glory.
As many of you know, I’m a romantic, and always will be. I couldn’t graps the concept of seeing this type of raw feeling that to me was very sinister and almost evil, especially out of a song I helped write. I began distancing myself from the song, mechanically playing it. I turned off all senses but touch, closing my eyes and playing the song from feeling alone. It helped develop it, but the other band members seemed disturbed at my reaction.
Music affects me very deeply, and also controls how I feel. Consequently, I listen to and write music based on how I would like to feel, and it works.
But this songs was turning into something I would NEVER want to feel, or even understand. It affected me deeply anyways, and it is the root of the dream.
What frightens me, however, is the deep connection me and Caroline shared. Sometimes, we dreamed the same thing, met coincidently in random but very specific places, thought the same thoughts, and decided things that fit the other’s decision perfectly without knowing what the other decided. When we first fell in love, we admitted our love to each other at the same time, without knowing fully how the other felt.
What does this mean? It means that it’s possible that she could be feeling this way too. But I don’t know. That’s why I’m telling you this, so that if it does come true, I know it won’t be just coincidence.