Deja…

Last night I had a dream that was too real for me to handle. It took over my entire being, and engulfed me in a longing for that dream to simply be true.

It might be, given that 85% of my dreams turn into Deja Vu.

….unless I talk about them….

Last night, I dreamt Caroline walked up me, and pressed a note into my palm. IT was thick, many sheets folded many many times. It was scented, as her letters always had been. Not purposely, of course, that was just way she smelled.
I knew immediately it was a dream, not because of the emotion I was getting from her (I usually wake myself up from revulsion if I have dreams about her loving me) but because of mental imagery that kept flashing up.

A sequence kept playing over and over. We planted a small tree together, by a small brook. She rips it up, and walks off. I sob over the ruined tree for a while, and then lift it up and walk slowly away. She eventually returns and looks at the hole in the ground where the tiny tree once stood.

This played over and over; a dream within a dream.

I slid open the letter, and read the first few lines. It was heartfelt, not simple, not flippant. It was the Caroline I knew.
She looked deeply at me, and apologized. It was so strong, I almost forgave her immediatly. I couldn’t contain the emotion, turned away, and told her I would read it. She departed, leaving me clutching the letter.

Then I woke up.

I sat in the dim morning light, looking at my hands where moments before I had the letter that would have given the answers to all my turmloil. It was gone. I could still feel the paper on my fingers.

I could have at that point fallen back to sleep and began to read the letter. But I held back. I don’t want to live in a fantasy. All I wanted was real love.

The dream hit me so hard, I checked out some old poetry I had written for her.

A Walk through the Garden

Good afternoon Ladies & Germs,

Life is going rather well, save for my computer is absolutely refusing any type of help I’m trying to give it whatsoever. In my opinion, it needs a swift kick in the butt. Unfortunately, I was unable to locate it’s rear end. πŸ˜€ (Big Grin)

Consequently, I’ve been doing a lot more stuff off the computer. My moped is up and running, the tires pumped and the engine purring. I’m afraid the right pedal is running slightly off-center, but it doesn’t bother me much. She runs like a pony on caffeine, so I won’t trouble her too much. πŸ™‚ (Smile)
The headlight is still out too, but I’m ordering a new one, and bought a regular bicycle light for the time being.

Was over at the Green House the past couple nights, and my first night I talked for a LONG time with Priscilla. I’d gotten to know her pretty well when she dated Paulo (my roommate last year). She is a very nice girl. Very smart, very deep feeling, and very friendly. She very pretty too. πŸ™‚ (Smile)
Anyhow, we’d been friends before, but I randomly decided to visit the Green House after being sick of being stuck in my room with my computer. It’s a bit of a walk from the college, but it was beautiful out.
It was my first time visiting there, so I had a bit of a time figuring out which of the many entrances was theirs, but Dawn eventually arrived and showed me in. Priscilla had just got done practicing the violin, and let me have a go.
I failed miserably as I usually do on stringed instruments, but it broke the ice. She showed me around the land belonging to the Green House; the college owns a small vineyard, a garden, a pond, a stream, a small orchard and a lot of other space back there too. We went about, looking at the geese, and got some Bamboo, and she told me all about the place. Eventually it got dark and we headed back inside. WE talked for a while, and she told me more about her childhood. A rough time for her, poor kid. I spoke of mine too, but just as I was reaching the end, Hezeus & Jon showed up, and the moment evaporated. Ah well. I hate it when you’re talking at that depth and it’s gone in an instant.

Everyone is psyched about going to Hershey Park this Monday, and praying it won’t rain. Regina & Lalrem got back from NYC the day before yesterday, though I haven’t been able to spend time with them much.
I moseyed up to 3rd floor yesterday, but the only people I could find were Inya & Richard in Setti’s room. I hung out with them for a while, but after a bit all they ended up doing was zoning out on the tube. And the stuff that was on was garbage. 7th Heaven. Ugh. Could they put on a more retarded representation of parents?
I left when I absolutely could not stand it anymore and headed to the Green House. They were watching TV too, but Who’s Line is it Anyway? was on, which is one show I absolutely love. πŸ™‚ (Smile)

I’ve been talking with her a lot. I’m a bit put off by her… She’s very abrupt for me, asking me to delve into deep details about my life without me knowing much about her. I don’t like doing that at all, and she kept insisting that it would be good for me. She sounded a lot like a therapist, bur I figured perhaps she merely needed a friend. After much going back and forth, she was getting me fairly frustrated (something that does not come frequently to me) and I was about to cut her off completely. She began telling me of her childhood, though, and thus I was able to figure out a little more of where she was coming from. I eventually decided she was being trustworthy enough, and told her a tiny bit about myself. We’ll see what comes of this.

In other news, I’m desperately beating off crushes; it’s seems almost natural for me to lapse into them. I fall in love to easily, I suppose. It’s not a bad thing to be a feeling person, but entertaining something I’m not sure is there can get me into trouble. I’m doing my best to stay away from such things for now, I’d rather concentrate on friendships.

Pin Hole Camera

Song currently playing: Total Eclipse of the Heart – Nikki French

*yawn*

me so tired. What did I do today? I got up, had breakfast, and went to class. Today we learned how to design pin-hole cameras. Very cool stuff. Me and my engineer mind dreamed up a couple new way of putting together the things, and by the end of the class, the prof. had revised a couple different ways he did things.

After class, went to work and worked with Jon, setting up Mac printing networks. The guy really opened up to me. Poor fellow, all he needed was a friend.

After that, worked on my van, and figured out what the devil was wrong with it, then rode my moped (wheeeeeeee!) all the way to Wal-Mart to buy some fuses. That was fun, it’s kind of a long trip.

After that, bopped around trying to get it to work, but with no avail. Gave up, and went up to Bittner 3rd & watched the last part of Count of Monte Cristo. That is an awesome movie.

Talked to my Dad again, this time about citizenship. Got to get that out to him by tomorrow.

I discovered the deviant shockwire. I think I may have found a very good friend.

Bittner 3rd

Song currently playing: Hook (The Lost Boy Chase) – John Williams

Oie. Still practicing being “unemotional”. Tough stuff to do for me. It’s hard to act indifferent towards a girl when deep inside you’re really really not. But the relationship is still too young.

Ah well. Practice makes perfect.

I spent the evening up on Bittner 3rd… “practicing” πŸ˜‰ It was really nice, we watched Boiler Room. Cool movie. Very nice ending. We talked about it quite a bit afterwards. One of the girls tried braiding my hair (it didn’t work too well, it’s too silky) and I sorted pictures during commercials. It was really nice. I could have died on their livingroom floor.

The Moped is working beautifully, save the front headlight. I put Premium in it this morning. πŸ˜€ The little monster FLIES. πŸ™‚
Still have to work on the van, but we’ve been just getting rain rain rain. Ah well, soon.

Finally Sunshine

Song currently playing: The Oneders – That Thing You Do

YAY! We have sunshine, and I have 4 days off in a row! I spent all day yesterday working on the van, I’m fixing some minor rust spots. I parked it on the side of the house, and have been primering it, popping off the trimming, and sanding bad areas down. I did break one thing unfortunately; the piece of plastic that covers the back hitch. I’m going to see if I can replace it or get a piece of Plexiglas to put over it.

Today I’m going to take apart the dashboard to see if I can figure out what’s going on with my running lights.

I got to talk to my Dad yesterday, we must have talked for two hours or something. It was great. I don’t often get to talk with my parents as much as I’d like because I’m so busy.
I gave him the address of my page, so he may visit (I hope!).

Gotta run, I need to get to lunch and then work on the book business.

Tonight I’m going out to the movies with ISA, so I know I’m going th have a good time. πŸ™‚

Book Business

Song currently playing: George Winston – Colours/Dance

OK. Not going to be on tonight, I need to clean and finish a couple design projects. So, I’ll make this quick.

Money is getting tight, so I gotta boost the book business up for some extra cash. Insurance for the van & tuition are looming a little to close; and my summer paycheck doesn’t arrive until NEXT week.

Eh, I’ll be fine.

Summer

Song currently Playing: SalsaKids – Dejame un beso que me dure

Oie, sleepy. I’m beginning to spend too much time here.
I’m going to have to schedule my time here carefully, because I have too much fun. I get caught up in submitting and seeing other peoples work too much.

You know what? Girls are far too teasing. It is so hard to tell what they’re thinking. It’s great. πŸ˜€

I want to try something. As soon as the right opportunity arises, I’m going to tell her I have a crush on her. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone just outright saying that.

And right now, I’m pretty much to the point where I feel like just saying it. She’s cute, she’s very kind, sweet, exciting, friendly, and kinda mysterious. And cute. Very very cute. Incredibly cute. Makes me want to sit in her presence just to feel the glow of her beauty. And if she weren’t so nice to me, I’d think she was too high above me. I’d like to know more about her, and I’m wondering if this is the way.

Two obstacles: Friendship & History.

She’s a good friend. I don’t want things to get completely out of kilter because I decided to light a fuse.

The past still haunts me. I dreamt of Caroline last night, and it was weird. Dreams are really vivid for me, they all are, and 90% of the Deja Vu.
Anyways, I dreamt I was talking to her about why we broke up. And she kept giving reasons that were designed to just to make me feel better. I could tell it was fake, so I woke myself up. I’ve never done that before. It was very very weird.

So, I don’t think I’m QUITE over that. I’m going to take it slow. We’ll see how things look at the end of the summer.

Summer

Ah, the weekend.

Work is piling up again. I’m taking photography here at the college as a summer course. I can use the credits; it’s cheaper than the regular year, and the class is small so our photo professor (who happens to rock) gets to spend more time with just us (only about 6 of us in the class).

This does mean extra work for the next 3 weeks, though, and taking lots of pictures. Professional photography is so expensive! I’m learning a lot, though, and I’ll be able to improve my photography to make some more hi resolution work.

I’m also learning the basics of developing too, which is really fun to play with. I might put up one of those for my next photo work.

As for the rest of life, I feel torn.
I shouldn’t be.
I really shouldn’t.
I need to calm down my own infatuation and just be happy like I usually am. It’s so hard to decide when you’re spending too much time with a person that it might be taken the wrong way. If I really followed what I felt, I would just spend all my time with this particular group of people.
Rough, rough, rough. People are already talking. I try to spread out my time with other people, but it really makes it worse at times.

People keep trying to hook me up. I just DON’T want to think about it so that I can just concentrate on friendships. I would never want anyone who wasn’t my friend first anyways.

And yet know that I’ve spread my time out, it almost seems I’m avoiding those whom I’d much rather hang out with…

Blast.

Could someone please give me another helping of chaos? I’m not stressed enough yet.

Tomorrow, I’m going to drive into Harrisburg, park, and just spend the day snapping pictures. I need a break.

*sigh*

Back with the pack

Good evening deviants, I’m back.

It’s been a busy week, a couple new design jobs are aligning themselves up for me, so, I may be even more elusive if I deem them worthy of time.

Citizenship papers have come to a standstill, I can’t find a prof. around to sign some stuff for me, since summer is now in full swing & they’re out enjoying the rest of their lives.

And though summer IS in full swing, it’s still rainy & very very English around here right now. I want sun. As much as I love storms, this doesn’t quite cut it. Nothing full-blown. Just miserable drizzles.

Hasn’t kept me down, though. I spent the past week every night up on Bittner 3rd, visiting people & watching lots of movies. Friendships & a lot of other things are rapidly developing, & it’s hard to keep track of them.
Ah, L’amour— Mais, c’est trop dangerous, pour un jeune homme qui est bien gentil! πŸ˜‰

I think I’ve come full circle now, and I can restart the cycle. In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been starting a rotation of artwork:

3D (Mercury Sprite)
Photo (Ancient America)
Writing (Star-Crossed)
Handwork (Dawn)
Design (Bria’s Spread)

Now it’s time to restart, and so my next output will be 3-Dimensional.

Hope your day is as good as my night is going to be!

Philly, Baltimore, DC

Sorry I haven’t been around, I traveled to the above listed places this weekend, bringing people to hotels, airports, and homes for the summer. Didn’t make much, but didn’t loose much either.

I’m a little more relaxed now; gotten some sleep enough to get me back on schedule.

Watched Matrix Reloaded last night too, that was awesome. I’ve got a bunch of theories on what’s happened. I love the way those movies make you think. Really tests my observation skills.

I’m looking about for a PHP writer, I’d like someone to write me a forum. I’ve got a couple friends on campus who might be able to help me, but we’ll see. I’d like to integrate Flash into it too. I’m taking a Dreamweaver class tomorrow, that should help me with the basics and get me over that initial jump I always have to make.

Graphics work will be posted tonight. πŸ™‚