Journal

Aloha!

I need sometime by myself.
Reverse, rewind, replay, recharge. That’s what I need.
And sleep. That too.
But just to be able to regain composure, I need to go off on my own and just be with God for a while, and let him talk to me.

This sickness has made me cranky, which is not like me. I don’t like it, and it needs to stop. I’ve been getting irritated about small things, and when big things come along, they really tick me off.

In Senior Seminar today there was a war with blacks against whites, suburban vs. country. And it was sickening. They were arguing about such stupid things, it wasn’t even funny. It just reminded me of home and didn’t go over well with me. There was a lot of other stuff, but I don’t really want to talk about it. I have a very bad short term memory, and by the time I reread this journal entry I’ll have forgotten all about it.

I did go off on two people I shouldn’t have, though and let out a lot of anger and frustration that I had no right in letting out on them. I need to recompose myself. I don’t stay angry for very long, but if I get caught and interrogated when I’m steamed, I’ll blast anything in my way. They badgered me, and I went off. Their intentions were good, but I should have walked out and went to be by myself for a while. That would have been the smart thing.

It didn’t get any better, though.
Pagoda was supposed to play a show tonight, but all the boys neglected to tell their keyboardist of where and when we were meeting. So I wasted an entire afternoon bumming around the house and waiting for their call. Which never came. I should have pulled a Mike Franchina and let them come find me. I felt disgusted.

We finally did all meet up, and we played at the Appalachian Brewing Company. We tore the place down. We weren’t sure if they would let me in at first, but after talking with the bouncer a bit (who we later guessed owned the place) we got in. We got up, did our thing, and got down. And we rocked the house.

Our website is almost complete. I’ll be showing it all to you when it’s finished.

I hope I get to go with Inya to the movies tomorrow night.

Song playing: Nat King Cole – Walking my Baby back Home

Aloha!

Last Thursday there was another Poetry Night. THIS time, it was sponsored by the Multicultural Club. Lots more Africans and African Americans. I left Pagoda practice early to meet Inya there. She was reading one of her poems, and it was the very first time she had ever read to an audience. She blew the place away! She read about how the view of African dancing had been twisted in all sorts of ways that it was tough to define, and it we POWERFUL. It’s inspiring me. I think there’s an avenue I’ve missed… I think I can still see the world as beautiful and still bring a whole lot more power into my words, perhaps in the area of social change. I think the important thing is not to become angstful.

I read two pieces; Silent Softly Vivid Dream and Deja Vu.
Silent Softly Vivid Dream was the hit, and when I returned to my place amid where Inya and Victoria sat, they were fanning themselves and said “Dang! You need to tell us who this girl is!!”
I’m not sure how much Inya got from it… I’m still puzzling. But Victoria. Victoria told EVERYBODY! Of course, she has absolutely no clue who I was talking about in the poem. The only person who might guess would be Inya. But I was later confronted by almost all the African girls jokingly asking me who it was.

Pagoda played in Cornerstone Coffeehouse on Saturday, and we ROCKED the place. That is by far the most favorite place we’ve played yet… We debuted “Shake Your Fist”, “Man in the Movies” and “Almost Always”. We played an acoustic set, slowing it down a tad. That went over very very well. I feel a lot more comfortable with the songs I wrote. The crowd likes ’em! That’s a big relief for me. Saxton rapped in between me in “Love Song for No One At All”. We’re playing again this Thursday, and I hope to have a new song “Look Me in the Eyes” done by then.

Saxton had bronchitis, which, while it caused us to butcher our cover of “Zombie” by the Cranberries, also got me sick too when we switched mics. I’ve been battling the cold since then. It does make my voice deeper, though. More sultry. :boogie: I just hope it doesn’t hurt on Thursday.

Gospel Choir was tonight. I rode down on my skateboard again, rather than my moped… :boogie: I sang well for having a cold. 🙂 And since it’s all uphill from Climenhaga, I walked back with Inya, Idiki, Hope and D-Moss. And, as before, everyone branched off until it was just me & Inya walking. It was nice. 🙂

I’m so tired tonight, from being sick. I need to sleep, but I need to get my work done.

Caio!

Song Playing: Hans Zimmer – And then I Kissed Him

Aloha!

This weekend was beautiful, though it didn’t start out that way.
I had planned all week to go with Inya to the movies on Friday. We were going to go see Seabiscuit at the on campus theatre.
There was Gospel Choir on Friday to Rev. Thomas’ church, and Inya wasn’t sure if she wanted to go or not. I wasn’t planning on it, because of Bible Study at Rafiki house. She said she’d call me to let me know. I really didn’t have anything to do, so I just hung around the house with Agtur.
She didn’t call, and I went to Bible study. She still didn’t call. I bummed around the house, and kept getting restless. Finally, people started showing up at the house from Gospel Choir around 10 pm and I began getting hope. The movie had been delayed, and was going to start later, but I still didn’t hear anything from Inya.
I called her a couple of times, and finally got through.
Apparently, she had left a message with Agtur that she was going to the Choir. The same Agtur I had spent ALL AFTERNOON WITH. I could have killed him. It had just completely slipped his mind, I suppose.

It was amazing, though. We must have only spoke on the phone no more than 20 minutes and she cheered me right up. It was so nice. Everything just lifted off. She has that affect on me. We were joking and laughing so hard my sides hurt.
She was very beat from Choir, so she went to bed and we agreed to watch it Saturday.

I got my motorcycle registered Saturday morning, and as soon as I get a tank of gas I’ll legally be able to drive it anywhere I wish! 🙂
Saturday afternoon Pagoda practiced, and for the first time I felt really comfortable with Love Song for No One at All. It sounded really good, and Saxton sang WITH me. I liked that. It’s been tough, I felt like the band had treated it like ‘Ben’s song’ in which they appeased me by going along with it. It feels much more like a ‘Pagoda song’ than a ‘Ben Song’ now, which is what I like. I love to write music and figure out the message and chord arrangements, but I HATE stealing the show. And it seems like it’s working out.

As soon as I got home, Inya left me a message, saying she wanted to go to Min’s Birthday dinner. Min is a Taiwanese former student of Messiah who used to be in my year. She lives in Harrisburg now, and her boyfriend is Franchina; the bassist in Pagoda. I walked over to South Complex early, and Inya and I got to talk for a while before everyone showed up.

I had been to a Poetry reading on Friday evening that had bombed and I was feeling pretty disgusted about, so we talked about that for a while and about the stereotypical white “angst” poetry that I had such a hard time with. You can see the description in ” Photograph” if you want more info.

Finally everyone showed up and we went to Pakha’s Thai House in Dillsburg. The whole band came, as did a few international students. It was really good food, and I bought Inya’s dinner for her. She sat across from me, and it was nice to sit and talk with her. The band was at the other end of the table, and they carried on their merry selves. We were very appropriately seated.
It’s tough to recognize that I have so many different facets, and I like them all. There are just certain times for some, and certain times for others.

After that, Inya, Erin, Menkeh and I all went to see Seabiscuit.
It’s a pretty good movie. Predictable, but I don’t think I’ve seen such a predictable movie pulled off so well. Inya has an almost psychic sense of guessing the next event in a movie. I sort of do as well (though not as good as her) but I’m so naive I’m surprised anyways.
It was wonderful. She sat on my right (since I’m deaf in my left ear) and we talked and laughed about things we saw during the movie. It was so nice to be able to talk with her again, I feel so… comforted when I do.

Oie, I’ve got to go to bed. Big day tomorrow.

Song playing: DJ Bobo – Somebody Dance With Me

I might add, usually the songs listed in my journals most often are very relevant to the entry. Just a note… reread some if you don’t believe me. 😛

Sometimes my naivety really really helps. Because if I let myself, I can be so happy for the smallest reasons.
This week, I’ve gotten two meals a day for free. It’s been kinda nice. I’ve just been paying close attention to seminars and stuff on campus where there’s been free food, and have been fortunate enough to be able to attend.
But that’s not what’s made me happy.
Things seemed to have repaired with Inya. I made some pretty bad mistakes, and they’re seeming to heal better than ever. She was who I hung out with the most before I had told her that I had a crush on her. Things kind of fell apart after that, and I got smacked in the face for being honest (NO, not literally). I just jumped the gun. And consequently, shoved away my closest confidant. And my … best friend.

However, things changed this week. We merged in walkways, fall leaves blowing around us. I was happy. She was sweet. We talked a lot. Our classes faded and conversation flared. We walked. We parted. I met her again after gospel choir. I had rode my skateboard down rather than my moped for some reason, so for the first time in a while, I walked back. And I walked with her, Hope and Idiki. Idiki parted first. Then Hope. And I walked her to her dorm. The night was warm, so we just hung out in the courtyard and talked for over and hour. It was… nice. 🙂 She casually asked me if I knew what movie was playing. Bada bing. 🙂 We’re going to see Seabiscuit Friday night. I must say, I love watching movies with her.

It’s just… I feel so welcome with her. I’ve gotten over the feelings I had. They were premature, brash and a little awkward. A lot awkward.
I went through quite a bit, but God showed me I kinda needed to be more independent, and that I’ve been putting too much attachment into being in love. Of course; the break up with Caroline taught me that, but this helped drive it home.
So, I began working on becoming myself again. And it really helped. I fell lighthearted again. I feel comfortable with myself. Like fitting into a pair of jeans that are your perfect size.

She bumped into me this morning. I was up early, because I needed to work on ceramics, and went down to Eisenhower to get the movie tickets. The ticketmaster was busy, so I hung out in the Commons for a while. She bumped into me casually as I was looking at the movie posters. And we must have talked for a while.

I really value her friendship. It’s so refreshing, I feel at ease talking to her. She’s a wonderful person to listen to, but doesn’t leave you out of the conversation. She asks me my opinion and wants to know how I’m doing on stuff… It makes me feel happy. I usually don’t talk much in a LOT of conversation, unless it’s really close. Most people love to talk, so I simply egg them on and listen intently.

Conversely, things seem to be falling apart with Nina, at least over IM. I HATE IM. It’s so incredibly hard to read people over a digital medium. A lot of our conversations would have gone a lot better if I had been able to look her in the eye. I can’t feel her.
It seems like the friendship seems unstable at times, but then again we’ll talk more and everything will seem normal. *shrugs* I’m trying not to analyze it.

Yeah, I’m strange. At times I can read people’s feelings. And my dreams are prophetic. But what I’ve realized (from a good of mine, Saxton) is that I’m not weird. I’m abnormal. And if I was to be normal, I’d be like the rest of the shallow people in the world. I’m kind of glad I was built different.

I’ve got to get back to work, I have a ton.
But I’m feeling great, and had to get it down.

Song playing: Vertical Horizon – Everything you Want
Goo Goo Dolls – Iris

Aloha!

I had a dream last night.
Of those of you who have been keeping up with my journals, you know the significance of this.

It was raining.
Drizzling, maybe, very cold and nasty. It was… winter? At least approaching.
The building was large, maybe 11, 12 stories high. It was all brick, with moderate sized windows each evenly placed. It was shaped in a giant U, with a courtyard in the middle. The courtyard was terraced; the entire building had been set against a sloping hill. The sidewalks and young trees in it were perilously caked in ice, from the freezing rain.
I took the elevator up. She was on the .. 9th floor? She was somewhere near the base of the U; you could see both of the other sections of the building out her window.
I approached her door.
I was tired, it had been a long journey. I wore blue jeans, a sweater, a leather jacket.
It was open a crack. I listened. I heard her inside.
I pushed the door open.

There she was.
She looked at me wide eyed. Startled. She glanced at my eyes, and then away quickly.
“Are you ok?”
The first words out of my mouth. I was shocked. I was bewildered. Out of all the things I could have said; I said ” Are you ok”? It was almost… almost as if we hadn’t not spoken to each other for a full year.
“Y-yeah…” she stammered “I’m trying to figure out how to get all my clothes down to the laundry room.”
I stepped in.
It was a small dimly lit room, more of a dorm than an apartment. A kitchenette was on my left, a bathroom on my left. And directly in front me was a room that had her bed, a shelf, a tv, her couch… it felt like hers…
She had on her coat, as if she was going out. I opened my arms.
“Hi.” I said.
She moved into my arms suddenly. She wrapped her arms around me under my jacket, burying her head in my chest. The force caught me off balance, and sent us falling into the clothes on her bed.
I eased up, lifting us both back up again. She got up and looked away. “I wish I could be that strong” she said.
I looked down at her clothes.
“Need some help?”
She looked back at me, brushing her eyes. “Sure.” she smiled.
I began gathering up her clothes. ” You’re washing your pillows too?” I asked.
“Yeah, I guess.”
I began stuffing the clothes into the pillowcases, and she joined me.
I noticed Rufus still sat on her bed. I had given her the stuffed raccoon a long time ago. He looked loved.
She began cleaning up, emptying some garbage in a bag to take down with us.
“How are you?” I asked. I felt dumb, that was such an overused question.
“Ok.” she answered. “Grad school is hard, but I’m doing ok.”

We continued packing up in silence.
“Oh shoot.” she said, looking through her food. “They stole more food!”
I raised an eyebrow. “Who?”
“The cleaning people. They just hired this new guy who comes to clean our rooms, and I think he’s been taking food.” she picked through some of her bread. “I’m going to throw this away, it’s getting old.”

The door was still open a crack. A man came in, toting a vacuum cleaner.
I stood up and glared at him.
“Oh! Sorry…” he said, and retreated.
I started toward the door.
“Don’t hurt him..” Caroline came after me.
“That’s not good, Caroline. Maybe you could vacuum your own floor.”
She thought about this a moment, and nodded.
“Can you call the supervisor and ask about that?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
I followed her to the window where the phone was.
I looked out the window into the court yard. The window was open a crack just at the top. It was… it was changing…
She spoke on the phone, her head turned from mine.
Her hair…
Suddenly, I looked out the window, and saw what had changed. It was snowing. The miserable day had just become beautiful.
Snow flakes blew in, and landed in her hair. Tiny little ones, sparkling like tiny jeweled plates. I could see every part of their beauty as they landed on her straight black hair.
She hung up.
“It’s snowing.” I smiled.
Her eyes sparkled. She looked at laundry on the bed.
“Let’s go for a walk.” she smiled.
She put on some mittens and I took her hand.
“You know…” I pondered for a minute. “I seem to remember an ice cream shop in the square. Are you hungry?”
She smiled. “A little… but… Ice cream? In weather like this?”
I took her in my arms. “I think I’m warm enough, don’t you?”
She snuggled close. “Yah. Bears are always warm.”
“Especially Canadian ones.” I smiled.
She giggled.

I woke up.

I think this pretty much answers the ” where I’d most like to visit” question.
No question for today, I’m late for class right now, but I wanted to write this down.
I’ll have a question for you next journal entry.

I haven’t written the letter to her yet, but I’m pretty sure I know what I want to say now. 🙂

Song currently playing: Violin Concerto in D – Brahms

Aloha!

I had my Ceramic Mid-Term on Monday.
It went ok, I need help making the bottoms of my pieces. They’re just too dang thick. Everything else was good. Only half of my stuff was fired, however, so I hope I did ok in grades… 🙁

Gospel Choir is getting really good, we’re doing Total Praise. That’s a really awesome song, and now I’m the head of the Bass Section. I put in 150$, we’re getting robes. We’re singing in Reverend Thomas’ church on Sunday.

My Graphics prof shot down the graphics project that I’m currently working on. I have to basically refo the entire thing. By Thursday.
And then, when I get home, Saxton leaves me a message, asking me if I’m up for a show Wednesday night.

We had practice tonight, and the consensus was that they would do it without me.
Which I didn’t mind.
But.
But what I did mind was that we’re also having a show on Thursday.
A show Franchina (our Bass) might not be able to make.
And the band was very very reluctant to play without him.

I know.

I know a keyboardist and a backup vocalist isn’t nearly as important as a bassist in a Rock band.
But it kinda hurt.
I didn’t get much practicing done tonight, they played really really loud, and I couldn’t hear myself through my headphones.
Finally, I decided to leave, and bid them farewell. I rode off listening to the echoes of Love Song for No One At All resounding behind me.
That kinda hurt too.
Oh well. Sacrifices for the band, I suppose.
It makes me even more reluctant to teach them Man in the Movies, though.
Maybe I’ll let that slide some more before I break it out.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten the Cd work done. Maybe it’s because I haven’t gotten the website up. Maybe it’s because I haven’t,,,,
Maybe it’s my own insecurities.
Maybe I’m already frustrated and need to get my mind on something else, like this project.

Anyhow, back to the questions.

Romance, I see romance as something wonderful. It’s what makes falling in love worth it. It’s akin in my mind to passion, except it’s got some extra zip of hormones in it. It’s being noble and sincere, it’s being caring and courteous, strong and sensitive. It’s the thing that true love (and consequently marriage) should never get enough of. That’s romance.

Next question, from Goals category. What place would you most like to visit?

Aloha!

So, last night I went to see Kill Bill.
Pagoda was going to practice, but Spam was really sick. He puked like 5 times, so we decided to review our tracks we recorded last week for levels, and invited Jess West, Jessamine, and their roomie whom I keep forgetting their name.
Anyhow, we reviewed them and wrote down comments to send to Echoes Recording to be fixed.
After that me, Jess, Jessamine, Sax and Mike went to this Autumn party happening in one of the apartments and had apple cider. Sarah Rocker, the hostess, was very very nice. I didn’t feel entirely comfortable with the rest of the crowd, either. Saxton got himself in a rather condescending conversation about the Smashing Pumpkins. Jess West and Sarah made me feel at home, though.
After that, we went to see Kill Bill.
It was slightly funny, very gory, and too long.
I found incongruity in watching that movie and going to a Christian College.
And I paid 5$ for it. Dumb.

Nina interviewed me for her class this afternoon. It went well, but seemed… staccatos. I’m not sure why. I don’t think she had thought about questions to ask me before we got there, so I wasn’t quite sure how much she was interested in it. I hope she has enough for her project.

Today, I sang in Gospel Choir. We sang down in Eisenhower Circle. We did well, and got the crowd moving a little bit even.

Nina and I went out to the Harrisburg Hilton tonight, we tried to get into see the Jazz concert, but they didn’t accept my ID. Instead, we sat out in the Lobby, just through the doors of the bar and listened to the music. We didn’t say much, but we talked about a few things. It was nice to just sit… but I’m still getting the feeling that something there that doesn’t quite fit.
Her friends served us her birthday dinner. I seemed to connect with her friends more than I did with her. I don’t know why. I don’t understand. I feel bad. Maybe she doesn’t feel entirely comfortable with me. Maybe I with her. I don’t know. I’m kinda tired of analyzing it.
It was a nice time, I enjoyed it.

And here I am. I need to do ceramics tomorrow. Like mad. I need to create 5 cylinders, and about 6 or 7 matching tumblers.

But, back to my question.

My favorite colour is Blue. But not any blue. Deep blue, like the space between the stars in a midnight winter sky. Deep blue, like the deep sea of the Pacific Ocean. Deep Blue, like the very center of a Sapphire jewel. That’s my favorite colour. 🙂

Next question; from the Faith category. What is the purpose of Romance?

Song playing: Jurassic 5 – Swing Set

Aloha!

Mesa doing ok now.
Back on track.
Recharged a bit. Spent some more time alone, mostly ripping around on the moped.

I took my laptop down to the library and found a nice warm nook to study in.
My initial thought was to go down just to find companionship… I study better if I’m around others who are studying.
There wasn’t a soul in the library, though, so I curled up by myself and wrote two papers. I did well, finally catching up in my Senior Seminar class.
Gave me more time to think.
It helped just to get out of the house. I think I harp too much on stuff when I sit in the house. It feels ingrown. I feel trapped, at the mercy of whatever my imagination brings me.

I stopped by Wilbur’s, but didn’t see anyone there either. Rafiki was also desolate. I don’t have any classes tomorrow, so I watched some TV. I never watch TV.

Thoughts: do I have any crushes anymore?
I don’t think so. I’m not sure they’re healthy anyways.
Friends are better. I started feeling like I had… obligations to the people I had crushes on. Weird. It’s unnatural. For me, anyways. I’m not tied down, why act like it?

Thoughts: this journal’s a tad selfish.
I think I’m going to ask a question every entry, just so I can find more about you guys. (hold me to it, too!! smack me if I forget!)
the questions will be from the Moment game I designed.
(some of you lurkers better start answering too 😉 )

So: first question, from the Appearance category:
Describe your favorite colour.

I’ll answer in my next journal entry.

Aloha.

Right.
So since 4 o’clock
I worked on this crap
Graphic
Project whose logic
though apparent
is twisted by a prof.
who doesn’t deserve to parent
a class of upandcoming
designers
I’m whining
whatever

So my computer crashed
Along with the entire project
Whoever designed Adobe
programs
needs a gram of brains
and add an autosave
though I shouldn’t complain
it only took me 2 feet
from a 6 foot grave

So I saw an indy rap group
Last night at wilburs’
with Nina Solanki
Whose 21st birthday
was today
what can I say
I still feel ill at ease
I feel hard to please
I feel like I’m pushing into something I should not be pushing into
I’ve been through
Too much pain
Too much rain
Too much of being dragged around with a ball and chain
Too much of this feels the same
She feels for me
But I just want to be friends
And trying to draw the line could bring apocalyptic ends
I contend
I could be a little more willing to bend
A little more open and then
I’d just hide the fact
This irreversible pact
Is something that’s taking me back
But there’s something missing
Something slipping
Something not gripping

I don’t feel like I’m in love

There, I said it.
There, I meant it.
I misrepresent
Myself, like I’m a schizophreniac
Maybe an emotional maniac
Regardless
I’m peaceless
Ripping up an emotion seamless
Ever since I saw Caroline in that green dress
I’ve been unsure
Of what I want
Of even what I need
I feel it’s like greed
Trying to fit my personality
By personalities I read
but I seem to mislead
Creating tracks of seeds
growing friendships
deeper than even I as sower could see
Do you see?
Do you really think a man like I could believe
In true love when I’ve been smashed
Trashed
In a heap that could be mistaken
as a Kamikazi crash
Blast
there I go again
thinking about life again
over analyzing again
I wish it would just end
again.

Song playing: Ah Ha – Take On Me

I’m feeling a little better.
I’m starting to realize I’ve slipped back into not being content as single. I’m not sure where I stumbled, but it could have been something as simple as the craving for a real hug. Or maybe hugs I gave, I’m not sure.

I’m trying to do a little more introspection, and finding out how I can work around this deep sorrow.
I’ve been ripping myself up, and it’s not good.

Nina and I are still finding out about each other, so no need to worry about that. In any case, we have fundamental differences for plans after graduation. She turning out to be a very good friend, regardless about how we may really feel.

Inya just wants to be friends, so no need to worry about that. And even if she doesn’t, it doesn’t matter. Either way, I don’t need to stress myself about it until anything is for sure anyways. There is no need to volunteer how I feel, because I don’t know for sure.

Caroline. Caroline I need to write to. That’s it. It doesn’t need to be spectacular, just simply how she’s doing.

I shouldn’t be worrying myself about it, and I should not try to rush anything simply for my own selfish desires. I need to be happy with myself.

Pagoda recorded this weekend, we’ve got 9 songs ready for a CD. It went really well, I played really well too. It was really tedious, and I was tired of being indoors after the whole ordeal, but it was worth it. We really sound like a full, well-put together band now. I need to make sure everything is ship-shape for the CD cover to put in my part.

I am still feeling a bit of competition from Franchina (our bassist), especially from the other members of the band. I don’t feel comfortable enough around him, I guess. I’m working on creating a solid image for the band, and Lox suggested I get Franchina to help. I said I’d be fine. As much work as I have to do, the Band imagery (website, t-shirts, CDs) are something I’ve been working on very very hard, and I want to get it done just the way I like it. I think I’d be more open to doing future projects with him together, but he’s not going to jump right in the middle of this.

On the other hand, I really bonded with Franchina the rest of the time during the recording.

Been listening to a lot of techno & dance music lately, I find that it keeps me active and my spirits high. Also I’ve been tearing around on my Moped. It’s kinda good when you’re frustrated, because the speed of the thing forces you to cry. It feels good.

I have a lot of work to get back to. but the journal helps. I’m not going to stop writing it.